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Guys Keep A Lookout
by rosesandsmiles at 8/11/2009 9:01:16 AM
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in.  I
certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was!
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part,
but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever! I
look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is
hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and
body (Don't you dare laugh.) . This is very rude! I have tried screaming at
her, but she just screams back.
The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once
in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose
change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't
want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go
to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!
I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady
is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that
money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn't the only thing I think she is
stealing.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like
ice cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth,
but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I
suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is
tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like
going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so
they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find
anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read
it.  And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my
TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has
done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the
knob and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting
into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away,
applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open
the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try
something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and
monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits,
plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any more troublesome, she proved me wrong.
She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license,
and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of
me!
I think she has a twin brother. I hope he never finds out where YOU live
Just in case, better keep your doors locked.
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