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A LETTER TO MY CHILDREN
by knittinkitten at 12/15/2007 5:49:42 AM
A LETTER TO MY CHILDREN
All is well, and I expect to be around for quite
awhile. But, while I’m sure I’m in my “right mind”,
and my “Senior Moments” mainly consist of forgetting
which one of you I told something, thereby saddling
the other with a repeated report, I want to talk to
you about..later on…someday…..the what ifs and whens.
I write at this time because the aging of a parent can
bring great stress to all in the family. We don’t
plan it that way. As a matter of fact, we probably
never give it a thought, until it’s time to experience
it.
You both know how difficult it is for me to watch the
aging of my own mother, the dear, loving Grandmother
you knew so well before she went to live with Uncle Ed
in Hawaii.
So many things have changed. I learned the hard way,
that I was ill-equipped to deal with those changes,
and endured great stress as a result. I tried so hard
to do the “right thing”, but, what IS the “right
thing.?”
Hopefully, this note to you can ease some of the
burden and stress by helping you to be knowledgeable
about the aging of “ME.”
First and foremost, know that, as a caregiver, you
CANNOT possibly do EVERYTHING. You MUST ask for
help…. from relatives, doctors, professionals.
Keep YOURSELF healthy. Set limits and stick to them.
Distribute responsibilities. If I ask you to take me
to my medical appointments, have me make the
appointments at YOUR convenience. If you can’t work
it out, and I no longer drive, PUT ME IN A CAB.
Don’t give up your social life and good times. Seek
support groups, they’re full of helpful information.
Laugh and have fun. I enclose a copy of THE
CAREGIVERS’ BILL OF RIGHTS. Please read it. In
caring for my mom, I never thought of MY rights until
it began to affect my own health.
Be secure in the knowledge that you will undergo a
plethora of emotions…anger….irritation over the
intrusion into your life, extra paperwork for medical
and insurance needs…..it’s bad enough taking care of
your own. There will most likely be a general
disruption of your former lifestyle. But, if you plan
ahead, you can steer it in a less offensive direction.
You may experience embarrassment about my behavior in
public. But, that may be nothing new. (Maybe it’s
getting even with you for your behavior in your
youth?) If I seem to not be cooperating, speak to me.
Let me know your concerns.
I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that you are
both grown and parents yourselves and, that you no
longer “need” me……well, except when you need a
babysitter or, need me to collect my precious
grandchildren from the school bus or deliver them to
school, karate, ballet, gymnastics, drama club and
soccer, assist on field trips….feed the animals when
you’re away, bring the pony home when she gets loose,
remember to water the bean plant for the school
project, fix broken zippers, get the spots out of the
laundry, and mend the holes in the ripped pants with
Grandma’s special butterflies.
My Goodness, that list is quite extensive….guess I AM
still needed, wanted and loved, after all. Parts of
this letter appear to be tongue in cheek….they are.
But, the intent is serious and something I want you to
think about NOW….while I’m still relatively young,
healthy and active.
I want you to talk to me about any specifics you may
think of….it’s always MUCH easier to discuss these
things BEFORE it becomes necessary.
You may have to deal with the issues of my personal
care…unpleasant odors from inadequate personal
hygiene. I’m afraid it’s part of the “aging package”,
but if I don’t cooperate, you can always get wonderful
assistance and guidance from Caregiver Agencies whose
training and purpose is to advise you how to handle
this. You DO NOT have to live with this problem.
As this time, I certainly do NOT look forward to “the
home”, but I recognize that it may become necessary.
I don’t know how cooperative I will be at that time,
because it’s scary to leave everything familiar and go
somewhere away from those you love. It’s almost like
being put on a shelf, waiting to die. I will try to
be cooperative, but, if I’m not, and it is a
necessity, do it anyway. YOUR lives and health have
to be maintained.
My adjustments….wow, what a powerless feeling….I can
still do many of the things I have always done. But,
I move slower now, especially on cold, damp days. My
mind is still flexible even though sometimes my body
is not. I suspect that there are times when you have
thought of me as a stronger, wiser, more experienced
figure who provided support and guidance throughout
your life….well, at least throughout your life from
nursery school to high school.
But, don’t forget, during all those years I was very
busy training you for YOUR role as the stronger,
wiser, more experienced adults which you have so
beautifully become. HOWEVER, I reserve the right
FOREVER, to remind you to take your raincoat or put on
a sweater. (My “Mother Book”, Page 11.)
I may put up an argument now and then, but when I’m no
longer the stronger and wiser, I give you permission
to show me what you’ve learned from me. It won’t be
easy for me, but I really want to try. I do NOT want
to unduly complicate your lives. Remember how we
always used to sit down and “talk about it’? That
method still works, I’m sure.
And, remember always that I love you dearly.
Kisses, from your Mom
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