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Sleepy, tired and alone.
by just_ct at 11/27/2009 1:17:48 AM
Late night ramblings. Read or don't. It doesn't really matter.
So so tired of being alone. So tired of loving and not being loved. Of not being special to anyone. Tired of not having anyone to hold and be with. Tired of making myself available and getting nothing but rejection in return.
Tired of not having anyone around that gets that happy gleam in their eye when they look at me. Tired of cooking all my own meals and eating alone. Tired of going places by myself and watching all the happy couples walking by that have found each other.
I'm tired of this aching, empty hole inside me that just gets bigger and bigger each day. Tired of the pain and tightness in my throat when i think of another day spent by myself. Tired of the dull, numb, detached feeling that I have to force my brain to shift into each morning just to function without screaming my head off in frustration.
I'm tired of not being in trouble with someone special and having them get mad at me. I'm tired of constantly reaching out only to see the object of my attention walk the other way.
Why can't I be like other people and just be happy with my lot in life? Look at the brighter side of being single and enjoy it? Why does being alone like this grate and gnaw on me so? Many men dream of having a life like this, being able to do what they want, when they want. So why doesn't it make me happy like it would them?
I profess to think that God has forgotten and forsaken me. Yet each day I pray to him to be sent the one person I was meant to be with. And each night I rage my disappointment onto that very same God. Knowing that he/it/they have forgotten me yet again. Knowing that they have never listened or cared. Cursing my own stupidity for bothering with this hypocritical religious merry-go-round yet again.
God I feel so completely stupid most of the time. For believing that having a degree would somehow make things better or easier. For actually thinking that I have a chance to find someone and be loved. For allowing myself to hope for companionship, for allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable time after time.
What happened to the days that I was bulletproof and could live endlessly by myself without a second thought? What happened to that guy? I think I miss him. I think I need him.
I'm tired of having no one to share life with. No one to celebrate the achievements or to help lighten the bad times. I'm so so tired of carrying all of the load all by myself and having no one to talk too. No one who cares enough to ask or enough interest to realize that I'm not as independent and bulletproof as I appear.
I feel so empty inside all of the time. Like part of me has been torn out and missing. Like I'll never be whole again. I'm tired of feeling like crying and knowing that I'll never allow myself to ever give anyone the satisfaction of making those tears actually fall. Not God, not life, not anyone or anything.
I'm tired of just feeling sad and alone all the time. Tired of maintaining this carefree, happy, facade. I'm tired of the bars, the parties, the vacations, the endless parade of meaningless dates with meaningless women.
Why do I keep letting myself hope for something better and more meaningful? Some people would kill to be me and have the gifts I've been given. This isn't the first time I've been single, why isn't this kind of life enough for me now? Why do I long so to just give up and be done with it all? Why can't I just be happy again like I was years ago?
Why do I let myself sit here and pathetically type out this letter? This is no one's burden but my own. No one else cares. No one else can let themselves get involved enough to care.
Is that the answer? That being with me is just too much of a challenge? That I'm just too much work to expect anyone to bother with? That people see who and what I am and just move on to something easier? Safer? Someone that’s less effort?
I'm tired of watching movies alone. I'm tired of missing my son and being a part time dad. I'm sickened by the part of me that finds joy and entertainment in the misfortunes of my ex(Thank God they are many because it's a lot cheaper than cable). I'm tired of being so f**ked up and needy. I'm tired of being unable to sleep. I'm tired of laughing at my own jokes. I'm tired of having too much sense, stubbornness, and pride to just say screw it and end it all.
I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of my closest emotional companion being a damn cat that won't even let you pick it up. I'm tired of wondering what having that cat around says about me as a person in general.
I hate the fact that I'd consider going back to get my masters just to have something to do. To have some intellectual interaction with people. Isn't it all supposed to be about improving myself or my place in life or something?
God I'm so tired of feeling pathetic. So so tired of feeling useless... Unwanted. I'm tired of hunting, of needing, of wanting and wishing. I'm tired of the endless introductions, first dates, trying to impress.
I'm tired of everyone I know trying to hook me up with their friends. I'm tired of knowing that all the good and wonderful people are already taken. I'm tired of knowing that I'm not wonderful enough to be included in that group of people. I'm tired of being in limbo and having no hint of what direction to take. I'm tired of the lights off tower bridge shining in my window. I’m tired of talking in incomplete sentences.
Where does it all end up? Is this all there is?
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