Joke Of The Day 16

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7/18/2008 7:11:05 AM	Joke Of The Day
simply_me2 Keene, NH age: 26	A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband." The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?" The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday." The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
7/18/2008 7:13:50 AM	Joke Of The Day
simply_me2 Keene, NH age: 26	Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny: "What's that?" Tina: "A condom." Sunny: "Where'd you get it?" Tina: "You can get them at any chemist" The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. "Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
7/18/2008 11:49:56 AM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47
7/18/2008 10:36:19 PM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47	A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
7/20/2008 8:28:28 AM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47	An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson. The old man looks at his son and asks... "Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?" The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?" The old man gets up and says "wait right here." About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible. The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says: " Ok, here's how it works... If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk. If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler. If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher." The baby stares at the items for a moment. He then reaches out and grabs all three items. The old man shouts... "HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"
7/20/2008 4:13:41 PM	Joke Of The Day
nhjewelrylady Lebanon, NH age: 55	An elderly farmer.....Farmer John on a Moped, Looking about 100 years old, dressed up in his flannel shirt, suspenderes, jeans and work boots, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old farmer....Farmer John, looks over at the sleek shiny black car. Farmer John asks, "What kind of car ya got there Sonny?" The Doctor replies, " A Ferrarie GTO. It cost a half a million dollars!" "Thats a lot of money," says Farmer John "Why's it cost so much darn money anyway?" The doctor says "Cause this car can do up to 320 mph". States the doctor proudly. Farmer John sitting on his moped asks, "Mind if I take a look inside there Sonny?" "No problem", replies the doctor. So Farmer John pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back down on his moped, Farmer John says, "Thats a pretty nice car, all right......but I'll stick with my moped thanks!" Just than the light changes color, so the doctor decides to show Farmer John just what the car is capable of. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reaches 160 mph. Suddendly the doctor notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOOSSSHHHH! Something whips past him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph....then, up ahead of him, he see's that it's Farmer John on his moped!!! Amazed that the moped could pass his super fast Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes that moped at 275 mph. The doctor is feeling pretty darn good until he looks in his rear view mirror and see's Farmer John on that moped gaining on him once again!!! Astounded by the speed of Farmer John and his moped, he floors the gas pedal and takes his Farrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not even 10 seconds later, he see's the moped bearing down on him once again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing the doctor can do about it!!! Suddenly....Farmer John and the moped plowed right into the back of the Ferrari....demolishing it's rear end! The doctor stops and quickly jumps out and unbelievably Farmer John is STILL ALIVE! The doctor runs up to a banged up Farmer John and says, "I'm a doctor...is there anything I can do for you?" Old Farmer John looks up at the doctor and whispers, "UNHOOK MY SUSPENDERS FOR YOUR SIDE VIEW MIRROR!!!" [Edited 7/20/2008 4:16:41 PM]
7/22/2008 4:36:26 AM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47	One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?" George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…" Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she’s lying on her back?" George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"
7/23/2008 6:52:01 AM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47	TEN HUSBANDS A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin. What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! "But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
7/24/2008 7:30:12 AM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47	I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
7/24/2008 11:01:41 PM	Joke Of The Day
dazed1961 Manchester, NH age: 47	So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows." He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." The wife grabs the farmer's penis and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."
7/25/2008 3:20:38 AM	Joke Of The Day
simply_me2 Keene, NH age: 26	Quote from dazed1961: So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows." He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." The wife grabs the farmer's penis and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

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