| 6/28/2008 10:38:28 AM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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goodheart2
Aiea, HI
age: 54
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I find that women in general are more perceptive and look for more qualities in men other than good looks, trust, responsible, caring, loving, affectionate, respect, a communicator, able to provide monetarily, and a person with mutual interest and compatibility. Are there anymore? Give some thought to your past relationships and why it did not work or look at some of the problems that have risen in your present relationship. At the same time look at relationships that did work...why did it work?...what made it special? I realize it takes two people working together to sustain a healthy long-term relationship...but I would like to get women's perspective in how they see, feel and believe are factors important to them individually.
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| 6/29/2008 4:49:49 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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1mauibabe1
Lahaina, HI
age: 52
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Just adding to your list..
sense of hummer, ability to comprimise!
In a perfect world there would be a perfect man and a perfect woman..... BUT we do not live in a perfect world so the ability to bend and not make the other break. Compramise is a big one for me. To be all about us not just all about me...
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| 6/29/2008 5:47:43 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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ohialehua
Volcano, HI
age: 58
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ooooohh, I like Mauibabe's answer, so true. I'll add that honesty is huge. I think we all want to trust someone. Once the trust is broken, it can never be glued back together. Maybe forgiven, never forgotten.
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| 6/29/2008 5:59:05 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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goodheart2
Aiea, HI
age: 54
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Thanks 1Mauibabe1...compromise and humor are important. Others that maybe of importance are: patience, understanding, a listener, and good temperament (certainly don't want a physical and/or mental abuser). Do you agree? A friend mentioned "common sense"...but I didn't think it was of ultimate importance...would help but not necessarily will make or break a relationship. I remember a past girlfriend who was terrific...and one of the things I loved about her was that she did not always have common sense...it made life interesting and humorous at the same time. It worked for me...not sure if it will do for others...guess depends how a person view or approach things in life. What about being thoughtful, having a mutual way, method or understanding of resolving conflicts (i.e. during the heat of an argument and not wanting it to escalate to the point of saying or doing things that will be regretable, to take a "time out", walk away, agree to disagree,etc.)? What about having similar goals in life?
Anyone else want to voice their thoughts?
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| 6/29/2008 6:02:01 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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goodheart2
Aiea, HI
age: 54
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You are right Ohialehua...trust is important...once that trust is broken, it makes it that more much difficult sustaining a healthy relationship. Thanks Ohialehua!
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| 6/29/2008 6:27:04 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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ohialehua
Volcano, HI
age: 58
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Ah, Goodheart -
You rang a bell with your talk of resolving issues & time outs. When my partner was alive, & we first met, I HATED his approach to this. His approach was "let's make an appointment to talk" when we are not angry, hungry, tired, or sick. I had to get over my model of "let's resolve it right now"  . I came to realize the wisdom of his model. In 14 years of being together we never had the memory of an angry word or name calling on either side. Wow. We could be crabby (& for both of us that meant - okay they need their space today) & we still had upsets, but they were resolved (or not! agree to disagree!) with both of our dignities intact & genuine respect by discussing the issue when neither of us was seeing red. I could never go back to the yelling, daggar to the heart fights approach. Again, those kind of "resolutions" to an issue might be possible to forgive, but you can never forget the kind of insults that one who knows you best can deliver!
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| 6/29/2008 7:46:15 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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goodheart2
Aiea, HI
age: 54
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Well said Ohialehua...your partner was a wise man and a good role model...I am sorry to hear of his passing, and I'm sure he is very missed. Thank you for sharing!
When you think about it, the conflict resolution technique displayed by your partner is a valuable skill that can be used in almost all aspect of your life that deals with people...and helps you personally by minimizing the stress and drama.
In the early 1980's I was fortunate to be among a select few to be trained as a mediator in conflict resolution here at the University of Hawaii-Manoa. It became a pilot program under former Mayor Frank Fasi in which we, as mediators, mediated disputes (child custody visitation, various disputes (i.e. between neighbors, people in troubled or break-up type relationships, businesses, gangs, etc) and disagreements in areas convenient for the parties...usually somewhere in their neighborhood such as using a room at the library, the YMCA/YWCA, Park & Recreation facilities, State and/or City offices, or anywhere mutually convenient/agreed by the disputing parties). With Mayor Fasi's full support, the pilot program worked with the Police Dept., various City & State agencies including the Neighborhood Boards, the Prosecuting Attorneys' Office and the State of Hawaii Courts. The mediator unlike a judge or arbitrator does not determine who is right or wrong, and instead help the parties reach an agreement they can live and/or abide by. Generally speaking, the mediator listens to the disputing parties individually in private and later together to explore areas of common interests, differences, etc. and explore possible resolutions satisfactory to each party in reaching an agreement both can abide. If no agreement is reached, the parties can still pursue their dispute in Court. But the process is still helpful in bridging the communication and getting a better understanding of each other's position to the problem. Other mediation programs were borne from this pilot program...including what was then know as the Makiki Mediation Center, mediation/dispute resolution used by Family Court, and for-a-fee dispute resolution private agencies like the Dispute Resolution Center of Hawaii. Very valuable life skills...this is something I have been advocating for our school system to teach students in conflict resolution. I think if you give kids the tools and/or some knowledge as to how to handle disputes / conflicts and try to reach/resolve them amicably (win-win situation instead of using the court's adversarial system whereby one part wins and the other loses...sometimes create more animosity especially when the disputing parties live in the same or close proximity to one another and/or have to deal and/or live with the situation regardless.
Sorry, I rambled on and on. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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| 6/30/2008 12:24:11 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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1mauibabe1
Lahaina, HI
age: 52
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You both are soooo very right about the way to deal with conflict. In my 20 year marriage I would want to DEAL with it NOW. Sometime when my late husband would tell me to simmer down and we'll talk about it, It would just tick me off more. We had some real blow up fights... After he died, the first memories I found easy to let go of were those fights. We had so much more good times to hold on too. I learned from that to give space and take space. But to add to the calm down and then talk I feel I need to add that one does have to talk. In my last relationship he didn't like conflict and when I felt things slipping away I would ask him whats going on. He would say "we need to talk but not right now" or "later" well He felt that he needed to figure things out by himself and we never talked. He decided that we were done. Then he would decide that he wanted to make things right and go back and forth like that.... We need to talk "later"... You just don't get it do you.... I want to make things right... we need to talk...........
I never knew what was going on he left me trying to figure out on my own what was bugging him.... of course that led to my active imagination going in many different ways.... I started noticing subtle things like he had an extra toothbrush, toothpaste, mouth wash and cologne in his truck.... The hotel would call the apartment looking for him..(he said he was going home to take a nap several hrs ago and of course he never did come to OUR home for his nap). He is the Exec Cheff for the resturante there.
I agree that space to cool off is needed but one needs to know what the other is thinking.... what the problem or situation is. There needs to be a level of communication. Once the trust is broken it is hard to go back. Whether the betrayal is real or just implied it is damaged. And yes I am pretty sure My intuition was right.
Much more was found. On the computer and stuff.
[Edited 6/30/2008 12:27:14 PM]
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| 6/30/2008 12:32:05 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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1mauibabe1
Lahaina, HI
age: 52
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Just adding... to what you both have said thisis where compramise steps in. If I know what is going on weather it is something at work or his kids or us then I can give the space. But the other person needs to compramise and let me in for just a bit.
Add being able to understand what being intradepent means and being able to grow to that level.
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| 6/30/2008 9:26:38 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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goodheart2
Aiea, HI
age: 54
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Mauibabe: I understand how you felt and experienced something similar. I agree with you...MUTUAL COMMUNICATION...is a key factor. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on the matter!
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| 6/30/2008 9:47:23 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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ohialehua
Volcano, HI
age: 58
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oh yes, definitely Mauibabe - that appointment to talk MUST be kept. Or else it is just avoidance. It needs to be in the next day or two.
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| 6/30/2008 10:04:30 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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goodheart2
Aiea, HI
age: 54
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Going further with the COMMUNICATION bit...as much as possible...and as long as there is no physical/mental harm or danger involved...I think the communication should be done in person preferrably. In a past serious relationship of three years , I remember being "dumped" via email...she refused to discuss it or go for counseling...ironically, she was a social worker by profession who dealt with family/relationship problems as part of her work...but in her private life, she preferred to avoid conflicts and felt the less communication the better...I had a difficult time understanding that one...I was devastated...took me over a year to recover from that one...if any of you decide you want out in a relationship...please make it an effort to do it in person in a public area with people nearby...or at least by phone...again, as long you feel your safety is not in jeopardy. Just my two cents on the matter.....
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| 7/1/2008 1:21:52 AM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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katfish
Lahaina, HI
age: 54
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Just adding to your list..
sense of hummer, ability to comprimise!
In a perfect world there would be a perfect man and a perfect woman..... BUT we do not live in a perfect world so the ability to bend and not make the other break. Compramise is a big one for me. To be all about us not just all about me...
Yes Maui B. I quess I just have to keep waiting for the perfect world... If I could be with the perfect man well ??????????????????? I just can't see that so many men have let me down  
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| 7/5/2008 9:21:12 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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just_me_smiley
Honolulu, HI
age: 46
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Hi everyone!
I guess I have to agree with all of you! I am looking for someone who does not throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble...I need someone who is willing to talk about things, even though the truth may hurt at first...It is the TRUTH and no one can judge another for telling the truth!
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| 7/5/2008 10:33:24 PM |
What do women look for in a man to sustain a healthy relationship? |
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1mauibabe1
Lahaina, HI
age: 52
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well put just_smiley
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