| 8/21/2008 12:22:26 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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way2easy2love
Oxford, AL
age: 33
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im curious to your answers when its all good people still cheat and have you ever cheated????????????
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| 8/21/2008 12:57:27 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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alagal
Athens, AL
age: 64
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I've never cheated in a relationship and never will!!!
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| 8/21/2008 2:52:06 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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stopntrafic
Hartselle, AL
age: 48
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Nope never cheated, I have been cheated on but as for why,,,, Well if you figure it out let me in on it!!! 
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| 8/21/2008 3:29:25 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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joy617
Scottsboro, AL
age: 46
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Never have, never will!
It's hard enough to find someone much less to jeopardize it for a few moments of what? Pleasure or excitement? I keep my passion within a relationship where it belongs.
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| 8/21/2008 4:42:30 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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tomfreebird
Brownsboro, AL
age: 56
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The relationship might have looked good from the outside, but must have been something wrong on the inside.
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| 8/21/2008 5:08:48 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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bamabob
Crane Hill, AL
age: 57
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Some cheat because they are afraid to get out of the relationship. Once it's over then they might have to fend for themselves. If I'd had a choice I'd NEVER had but one relationship in my whole life.
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| 8/21/2008 8:50:50 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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heartquest8
Decatur, AL
age: 59
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just about all people who cheat...do so out of fear or revenge...they either fear themselves, or having to fend for themselves as bamabob said...they want the stuff they cheat for but hate to lose the free ride ....the core of any relationship is integrity, even your relationship with yourself....no one can take your integrity unless you let them....and there can be no true pure love without it....there are relationship gurus out there with programs like "catch him and keep him" well who wants a trapped caught man...one day he will wake up and realize...and like the wild animal chew his leg off to be free....to cheat you have to lie, steal time and have little or no compassion.....not a productive way to live...and like the big karma out there...what goes around comes around....it will always come back to bite you....so if someone is cheating in a so called good relationship...maybe there needs to be a re-definition of the good relationship....
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| 8/25/2008 12:40:33 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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coppermare
Grady, AL
age: 49
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YES, I've cheated, NO, I'm not ashamed, nor feel guilt. I've taken care of that between me and the only one I need forgiveness from. AND NO not all cheating is out of revenge nor fear!! There should never be any cheating if the relationship is GOOD. Am I a GOOD person? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!
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| 8/27/2008 8:59:45 AM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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nico420
Brookwood, AL
age: 30
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YES, I've cheated, NO, I'm not ashamed, nor feel guilt. I've taken care of that between me and the only one I need forgiveness from. AND NO not all cheating is out of revenge nor fear!! There should never be any cheating if the relationship is GOOD. Am I a GOOD person? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!
I thought heartquest had a pretty good answer, but since your the only one here admitting to it, can you tell us why you did it?
My wife of ten years recently cheated on me, but granted it was not the normal sneaking around, I had given her the ultimatem to quit, or at least try to, using IV narcotics, or either leave-so she left and moved in with another junkie- now four months later she is crying to me that she is sorry and wants to come back home-she hates her life now and misses her familiy-I know her drug use effected her behavior and resulted in the affair-but still it happened and I don't know if I can truly forgive her-
any ideas or opinions-
Has anyone taken back a lover gone astray-if so how did that go?
I have told her she can come back, but thats just so she can get off of drugs and be a mom again to our son, I don't know if there will ever be a relationship again.
FWIW-our relationship was good, our lifestyle wasn't-but this still happened-I have made a major lifestyle change-if she can too does anyone think it could ever work out?
thnx
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| 8/27/2008 9:40:17 AM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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bamabob
Crane Hill, AL
age: 57
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I KNOW it CAN...but the likelihood is not much. It takes TWO. I have never used drugs but I know simply from my addiction to cigarettes how difficult it is to make that change. Any change takes conviction and commitment. I've seen lots of people attempt to make a whole new life and new person of themselves by getting involved in church. I'm one who does not agree with that but if it works then I'm all for it. Simply wanting and desiring a better life and better life style is the best start anyone could get. We all know some things are wrong and not in our best interest when we start them. I highly recommend you have a private conference with JOY617... this is her professional field. Open communication with each other is a huge key to any relationship being successful. It will never work unless you allow it to and it damn sure helps if you want it to. You have to be willing to forgive and to accept faults of each other and never to dwell on the past but look to every day as a new day and tomorrow as something beautiful that the two of you look forward to together.
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| 8/27/2008 9:53:54 AM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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musicnmore
Huntsville, AL
age: 48
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No such thing as cheating in a good relationship. If it's a good relationship, there won't be any cheating. Cheating is a sign and a result of a relationship that is not good.
JMO!
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| 8/27/2008 10:26:16 AM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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joy617
Scottsboro, AL
age: 46
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Randy, you did a good job yourself on Counseling. I have counseled many couples who struggled with infidelity in their marriage. I have seen more success when BOTH come to counseling and BOTH seek to work as a team to work out thier problems.
Motivation is the key to finding out the truth. What was her motivation for the affair? Is she willing to sit with you and have a "TRUTH TALK" (Trademark of New Beginnings Counseling Center, owner Jan aka Joy617).
"Truth Talk" is where the two of you and a third party, usually a Counselor sits down and you are allowed to tell anything you want to your spouse without the other responding immediately verbally, physically or else wise. (Mediator is a referee, sort of speaking.)
The Mediator or Counselor will direct the conversation so that both of you can "discuss" this situation rationally. Allow the cheating spouse to vent their Who, what, when, where, why of their affair. The victim spouse has to be willing to sit there and let the cheating spouse tell all they want to say on the subject without interruption.
I have a conversation "stress ball" that the one who has "the floor" holds while they are talking. If you are not holding the ball, you do not have the floor. You may not interrupt when someone is talking. When they are finished they will hand you the ball and you will have the floor to speak.
The rationale behind this is: when someone is confessing they will not hold back any thing IF they believe you are truly listening and they can tell their side of the story. If you interrupt them, they will block the truth and cover their tracks and become defensive. You will never know the REAL TRUTH to their story. So bottom line, shut up and learn.
It is not easy to listen to this. It is down right painful and hurting. Your Counselor should warn you ahead of time. Allow the spouse to finish thier side of the story regardless if you believe what they are saying or not. The victim spouse can take notes to remind them of key points of the conversation they want to discuss or question. Some counselors video tape the confession so they can play it back allowing the victim to repond to each statement.
Yes, it is perfectly appropriate to call the spouse a "Cheater" if this is what they have done. This is a positive expression of the pain felt by the other spouse. This is called "Fighting Fair" and gives the victim spouse the right to be hurt and express the pain the "cheating" spouse caused in the relationship. Taking ownership of actions is the motivation here. It is the beginning of the victim's right to be angry and hurt at their spouse in a positive way.
No one likes to face the truth and take responcibility for their actions or words. The label allows the spouse to admit they were wrong and own up to the pain they have caused their family.
The cheating spouse is allowed to tell their side of the story as long as they don't sugar coat and rationalize their actions. They must OWN thier actions and words and be the adult they should be. It is the Counselors job to keep the conversation on track.
Example: The cheater would say, "I cheated on you because... I didn't feel loved... You don't notice me... I wanted your attention and now I have it... Negative attention is better than NO attention... I am sorry I made you the victim. I was wrong and I want your forgiveness."
Clients have told me later, "When I had to admit that I was a cheater it was the hardest words my mouth has ever spoken. To hear myself say, 'I am a cheater. I hurt you.' was so difficult. Now I realize that my pain caused pain. We ae learning how to communicate in a more positive way, now. I did not want to admit my faults. I wanted to blame him/her for my cheating. Thanks for making me realize it was a choice I made!"
OWN and confess your faults. You can not blame others for your actions. You are to stand up and say, "It is my fault. I did it. I confess it was wrong... etc."
If I see that the cheater is pacifying me with their "confession" and only saying what they "think I want to hear". I make them write down their confession. The written word is black and white, unlike words that can go in one ear and out the other. It is eternal. It is truth to the ultimate. I put their confessions in their chart for future referance if needed. So far, I have never had a client to cheat again after a TRUTH TALK and written confession. They think out thier actions more clearly and make less mistakes.
Sometimes they will call me and say, "There's a new girl at work and I've noticed how she dresses and the way she looks at me and she is very friendly, touching my arm when she talks. Help me!"
I help them SEE what triggers their desire to have an affair. Then we make a list (black and white for a reality check) of what they should be aware of and what they should avoid.
They have to confess HOW they had the affair. "I used my daughter's time for girl scouts to see my lover. I dropped her off and then met my lover. It gave me an hour twice a week."
By disclosing their dirty little secrets it takes their weapon and ammunition away from them. It educated the victim to know what to look for in the future. The cheater loses thier stability to cheat and lie.
E-mail me if you need further information.
 Jan
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| 8/27/2008 12:33:43 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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bamabob
Crane Hill, AL
age: 57
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I don't mean to cloud things..but a couple of comments... talking ball is the same as the native american practice of using the talking stick. It prevents conflict in times of negotiations. In a relationship/marriage either there is no victim or both are victims (IMO). The one who steps out of the relationship is usually weak and therefore a victim of outside forces. The one who stays inside the relationship is the victim by losing the trust and honor of their mate. Both are victims because they lose the perfect future that would have laid ahead with an untarnished past. Some don't want to stay in a relationship that has an ugly past..that is where the acceptance is crucial. To go on to a new day and not let the past encumber your future and happiness both have to make themselves blind to the past or find a way to see it as a positive way to love and appreciate each other for their work to make the future and the relationship better than they ever had before and better than they could have imagined... we all want to live in perfect peace and harmony and a fairy tale world...but we're stuck with reality.
[Edited 8/27/2008 12:35:43 PM PST]
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| 8/27/2008 2:44:55 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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libilu
Winfield, AL
age: 64
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WOW!! Where were Joy and Bamabob when I found out my husband was cheating? I sure could have used your help. We were divorced over 26 years ago and I vowed I would never remarry and I haven't so far. Truth is that nothing would have saved that marriage since I didn't want to get married in the first place. That's the wrong way to go into a marriage.
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| 8/27/2008 2:52:16 PM |
why do people cheat in a good relationship |
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tomfreebird
Brownsboro, AL
age: 56
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Darn, Dr. BamaBob, great info from you and Joy.
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