Joke of the day 721

7/16/2009 4:11:25 AM	Joke of the day
whitehawk Eugene, OR age: 55	When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an ahole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ahole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an ahole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'ahole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ahole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ahole (I had h is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ahole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an ahole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two aholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called ahole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an ahole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ahole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, ahole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, ahole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two aholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
7/17/2009 7:58:09 AM	Joke of the day
whitehawk Eugene, OR age: 55	Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No crap, really? Ya think? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ----------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ---------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ---------------- --------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! *********************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ***************************************** And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?
7/31/2009 8:31:34 PM	Joke of the day
bser4u Lemoore, CA age: 53	An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
8/5/2009 7:56:48 AM	Joke of the day
trndude Eugene, OR age: 41	A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?" "About a gallon"
8/7/2009 8:21:00 AM	Joke of the day
bser4u Lemoore, CA age: 53	Michael Jackson, upon arriving at the pearly gates, discovered that he was once again black. Dismayed, he looked beyond the pearly gates and asked what could be done to bring his whiteness back? Suddenly a little cloud appeared, and out of the cloud there was a poof ................. "HI! BILLY MAYS HERE ....., WITH OXYCLEAN!"
8/13/2009 4:34:21 PM	Joke of the day
whitehawk Eugene, OR age: 55	A recent AARP study has determined that there are actually seven (7) kinds of sex..... The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere.....even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway.....you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court........and screws you in front of everyone! And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. This is when you get a little from time-to-time.......but not enough to live on.
8/13/2009 4:36:46 PM	Joke of the day
aginghippy2008 Beaverton, OR age: 63	Okay ... I read each and every word ... for a change!
8/13/2009 4:39:24 PM	Joke of the day
denbroni Portland, OR age: 31	Quote from bser4u: Michael Jackson, upon arriving at the pearly gates, discovered that he was once again black. Dismayed, he looked beyond the pearly gates and asked what could be done to bring his whiteness back? Suddenly a little cloud appeared, and out of the cloud there was a poof ................. "HI! BILLY MAYS HERE ....., WITH OXYCLEAN!" FUNNY!!!
8/13/2009 4:54:11 PM	Joke of the day
denbroni Portland, OR age: 31	Ok this is the story of little Bobby and Mrs. Jackson Little Bobby goes to school one day and his teacher Mrs.Jackson has put a math problem on the board. the problem is as follows... " Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire. If you shoot 1, how many are left." Another student in the class named Sally raises her hand and says, "Mrs.Jackson if you shoot one bird down then there would be 2 left." That is correct says Mrs.Jackson. Little Bobby thinks about that for a moment and says, "Wait a minute Mrs. Jackson, if you shoot one bird downn the other 2 are going to fly away." Mrs.Jackson responds " well thats not quite the answer I'm looking for but I like the way your thinking." This just pisses Bobby off so he thinks for another minute and says. "Ok Mrs.Jackson I got a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. One of them is sucking, one is licking and one is using a spoon. Which one of the women are married?" Mrs. Jackson thinks for awile and finally responds with. "I dont know the one sucking." Bobby stands up and yells " NA B*TCH ITS THE ONE WITH THE WEDDING RING, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOUR THINKING!!!!" [Edited 8/13/2009 4:55:49 PM PST]
8/13/2009 4:58:02 PM	Joke of the day
aginghippy2008 Beaverton, OR age: 63
8/13/2009 5:18:09 PM	Joke of the day
jjp85 Portland, OR age: 23	hahaha nice.

megapersonals com login

skipthegames