| 5/13/2009 6:58:17 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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wolffdream
Billerica, MA
age: 59
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ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. ...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head c*cked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HE$%!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HE%$!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
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| 5/13/2009 7:25:09 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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3season
Quincy, MA
age: 46
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That was hysterical Wolf!!!
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| 5/13/2009 7:29:45 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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jdgshines
North Chelmsford, MA
age: 50
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LOL!!!!! That was hysterical. I have to wonder though, why in the context of a gift? Reminds me of my first xmas as a wife. I had approached my 'then' darling husband about having a stocking waiting in the morning. Even gave him ideas. Christmas morning rolls around. With great anticipation, we approach our stockings. His.... stuffed to the hilt, with a pile all around it. I'm questioning whether he didn't have time to put anything in mine yet. Not the case........ Inside was a durable hard rubber knife for me to ........ ready for this......... carry around for protection. I should have known then, we came from two different planets.
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| 5/13/2009 7:03:14 PM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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wolffdream
Billerica, MA
age: 59
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You mean he didnt try it out on himself ahead of time?????????
I see the guys are not laughing to hard on this one. Or maybe they just dont have the patience to read it all..
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| 5/14/2009 2:25:25 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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heatman69
East Providence, RI
age: 62
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Where do you find these articals?
This is a good one. there are some real idiots out there.
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| 5/14/2009 4:51:00 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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myway1952
Carver, MA
age: 58
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this is way too funny. I sent it on to my co workers. Laughed so hard still laughing great one 
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| 5/14/2009 6:54:43 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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zubin
Middleboro, MA
age: 59
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I read that article a few years ago and LAUGHED till I cried LOL  )
What some nuts do when they have nothing to do lol.
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| 5/14/2009 9:21:25 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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heatuup
Fall River, MA
age: 47
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Thas was soooooooooooooo funny....
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| 5/14/2009 12:52:47 PM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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elizabeth710
Dracut, MA
age: 57
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That is a riot!! Had to let my co-workers read this and we are all still in histerics. Tooooooooooooooo Funny!
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| 5/14/2009 1:52:35 PM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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vladtheimpaler
Northampton, MA
age: 51
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And WHAT is SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT ? I would have done the exact same thing ! How else would you know if it worked or not ? You people amaze me with your warped senses of humor ! My GOD, what is wrong with you ? You now, it's a about product reliability and quality control, don't you get it ? Jeeeeez !
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| 5/14/2009 2:35:53 PM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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wolffdream
Billerica, MA
age: 59
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Well Vlad,now we know exactly who to call for all pre-testing of our new electronic gadgets.
I have some electronics you can come check out... tee hee
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| 5/15/2009 7:54:35 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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jdgshines
North Chelmsford, MA
age: 50
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Well Vlad,now we know exactly who to call for all pre-testing of our new electronic gadgets.
I have some electronics you can come check out... tee hee
Becareful what you wish for................ lol
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| 5/15/2009 9:49:29 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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blondblu89
Greenfield, MA
age: 57
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And WHAT is SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT ? I would have done the exact same thing ! How else would you know if it worked or not ? You people amaze me with your warped senses of humor ! My GOD, what is wrong with you ? You now, it's a about product reliability and quality control, don't you get it ? Jeeeeez !
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| 5/15/2009 10:59:46 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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myway1952
Carver, MA
age: 58
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testing is one thing but on yourself when there was a perfectly good cat sitting near by.
Ok cat lovers don't get mad at me be it is true tell me you would zap yourself before the cat I DON"T THINK SO!!!! 
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| 5/15/2009 11:20:54 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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wolffdream
Billerica, MA
age: 59
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Testing on men has its flaws... they tend to have a very low pain threshold...
Results will vary but be unreliable for the most part.
Personally, I kind of like a little spark once in a while so Im not one to test the products either...
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| 5/15/2009 11:21:32 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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cook53
Stoneham, MA
age: 54
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| 5/15/2009 11:29:42 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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wolffdream
Billerica, MA
age: 59
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Cook.... have you bitten your tongue off yet???
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| 5/15/2009 11:49:54 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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cook53
Stoneham, MA
age: 54
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Be afraid, be VERY afraid...
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| 5/15/2009 1:19:54 PM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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3season
Quincy, MA
age: 46
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On a cat?? I luvs ya girl but you are one sick puppy!!!
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| 5/15/2009 7:42:52 PM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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cook53
Stoneham, MA
age: 54
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I agree !!!
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| 5/17/2009 9:52:06 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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blondblu89
Greenfield, MA
age: 57
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Now whats wrong with experimenting on Cats???
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| 5/17/2009 10:21:38 AM |
Only a Man Would Attempt This |
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wolffdream
Billerica, MA
age: 59
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Now leave the sweet pussies alone.. better to give a good jolt to a c*ck ..
 umm I mean rooster, they are not as cute and cuddly.....
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