| 12/15/2007 5:23:14 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
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The Man Who Loved Baked Beans--it may be long but great exercise if you read it all
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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| 12/15/2007 6:13:12 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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herefromminsk
Charlottesville, VA
age: 70
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That was unbelievable, I laughed so hard, that I think I disloated my back. You have a way with humor. I will remember that as I fall aseep.  
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| 12/16/2007 11:14:40 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
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if i was you minsk, i appreciate if i make you or anyone have a good laugh--don't get hurt but we should all lighten up on this board--my day sucked yesterday esp hearing i may be your hero--i don't want to be patronized and no one else should be at anyone's expense...hope you know what i mean...thanks
[Edited 12/16/2007 11:15:26 AM]
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| 12/16/2007 11:22:40 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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elfiegirl
Venice, FL
age: 53 online now!
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Oh my gosh how I HATE suprises!!!
Hahahahahah ROFLMAO!!! Too funny!!!
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| 12/16/2007 1:44:48 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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cmed68
Poquoson, VA
age: 63
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That's a good one Soprano. I see you are from Wayne. My wife is from Riverdale, NJ which I am sure you know is close to you.
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| 12/16/2007 2:06:18 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
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wow--that's real close as wayne is very large--many large new stores built there in Riverdale--expanded RT 23 north and south and there's no more circles there if you recall RT 23 was full of circles making driving at nite hard--happy you had a good laugh
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| 12/17/2007 9:00:54 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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herefromminsk
Charlottesville, VA
age: 70
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Well, It is lunch time, and I have a box lunch that contains amoung all things Baked Beans. Yum.
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| 12/18/2007 8:31:14 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
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well here is another:
A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African
black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis
and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black.
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| 12/19/2007 1:31:09 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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mrsmiles4444
Culpeper, VA
age: 51
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Sorprano you seize to amaze me. I'm actually rolling in my office chair, and everyone is wondering what's so funny. I love it when I keep them all in suspense, wondering if I'm in a good mood or not.
[Edited 12/19/2007 1:31:32 PM]
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| 12/19/2007 1:52:38 PM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
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smiles
--that's my point i mean to contribute--i say pretty soon as we age, this group will collectively receive a group discount on Dependsm that way at work we can pee in our pants and get up and act normal after that in the bathroom and just change our diapers--now i have a trade mark one about the devil food cake vs the angel food cake i've posted before but you can print this one out--lol...
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| 12/21/2007 9:50:00 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
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Old Man~~~
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old
man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peac*ck. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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| 12/21/2007 10:07:17 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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lorlie
Eugene, OR
age: 51 online now!
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Thanks for making my day!
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| 12/21/2007 11:48:12 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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herefromminsk
Charlottesville, VA
age: 70
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A fellow walks into a bar. There is a sign that says, Take my challange, and win a Hundred Dollars. The fellow says, what is the challange. The bartender says, First, you have to chug a lug a 2 quart bottle of Vodka, and keep it down, then, I have a 89 year old grandmother upstairs who needs sex bad, then I have a Rotwieller out back that needs taming. I, will take it, says the man. Well, he downs the Vodka, and after a few shakey minutes, is able to keep it down. He staggers out the door. A few minutes later you hear this dog going yipe, yipe, yipe, yipe, for the longest time. The fellow comes back in, and says, now where is this Dog you want tamed?. 
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| 12/22/2007 7:22:49 AM |
Beans and guess who's getting top billing |
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hodag
Little Suamico, WI
age: 54
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I work all day at hauling freight until I've had my fill, and after five I'm always found at Dotty's Bar and Grill.
I talk with all the local folks a couple hours more, and when I get home each evenin',
my darlin's at the door.
When I got home last evenin', about a half past ten, I found she wasn't wait'n, so I let myself on in.
I stumbled to the ice box to get myself a beer, and found the little note that said my darlin' isn't here!
There was a bathroom tissue paper letter hangin' on the wall, it said I can not take no more & you can have it all. I'm takin' what good sense I've got and I'm leavin' you behind, and you can take this letter and wipe me from your mind.
(got to give credit where credit is due, the above is a song. Bobby Bare recorded it on a tape called "Drunk & Crazy". It is even better to hear him sing it.
Bill
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