sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
|
Merry Christmas to all as I share this with everyone for some laughs but excuse Karen please, she's not Italian!!!
Italian Christmas Eve
A Italian friend writes to me...
I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house
on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an
Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and
pear trees.....I was wrong!
I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation.
"I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my
folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me."She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you.""Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that.
Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me.
What more could I want?
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas
Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason for
living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every
minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women
live for.
I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of
women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean.
She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I
have ever seen on a human being!
I brought her anyway.
7 p.m. -- we arrive.
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the
other guests to show up.
During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like cheeseburger on the
barbecue determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.
My father is equally observant.
He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being!"
7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.
Zio Giovanni walks in with my Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted gifts.
We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically
composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, anchovies
and cheese....no meat of course.
When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points
to the anchovies with a look of disgust.. ..
"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.
"I don't like fish, Karen announces to one and all as 67 other
varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next
room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross.
Things are getting uncomfortable.
Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve.
Karen says, "Knockwurst."
My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest,
temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?"
My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.
None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.
8:00 p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table.
Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter
and ketchup.
My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen.
I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry
Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.
"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a
bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm
going to throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her.
"It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."
My mother considers the situation, then nods.
As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder.
"Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three
weeks." "Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her,
she'll poison you."
8:30 p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are
always three times larger than the plants they hold.
All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for
Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.
"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen
makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. "Dear,
you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters
the dining room, a wine glass flies o ver her head, and smashes against
the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."
More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of
scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother
winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women
you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.
Zia Maria does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that
all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her
chest. My Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.
10:00 pm. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around . A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When
Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a
cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.
Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on
Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says.
Time passes and believe it or not, everyone is laughing and smiling and
filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder,
laughs and says,
"Get this b*tch out of my house."
Sounds fine to me.
THE END
---- If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know Italians!!! 
|
sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
|
you're telling me no one feels sorry for Karen or is this mom Marie the mom from Everyone Knows Rraymond--
|
thepkk
Springfield, MO
age: 52 online now!
|
That was a good one. I bet Karent looks a bit like this. 
|
leila123
Liberty Hill, TX
age: 59
|
Sorprano... that was pretty funny. Wishing you a very Texas Merry Christmas... Leila.
|
elfiegirl
Venice, FL
age: 53 online now!
|
Saaaaayyy Paula! Where did you find that "future"
picture of me??? Hahahahahahahaha!
I am not Italian, but I love Italian food! Yum!
Sounds like your family sure enjoyed themselves sorprano!  
Too funny!!!!
When the family gathered around the table at Christmas
dinner, it was all laughs and cutting up and you could barely
hear yourself think! But what fun we had! Sure miss those days!
[Edited 12/23/2007 12:44:00 PM]
|
judi35
Madisonville, KY
age: 58 online now!
|
|
cmed68
Poquoson, VA
age: 63
|
Soprano, nobody can ever accuse you of not having a sense of humor. The closest I ever came to an Italien ChrIstmas was briefly stopping buy a friend's house on Christmas Day in Cicero, IL. His mother was busy in the kitchen but upbeat and friendly. His grandfather who was from the old country, a very dignified looking man with a well groomed moustache, held up a bottle of whiskey, said something in Italien, and grinned from ear-to-ear. Unfortunately I could not stay long and had to return home to my family. This was in 1968. Maybe if I am lucky I might some day get the opportunity to share Christmas with an Italien family. I derive much enjoyment to share with various ethnic groups in their celebration of Christmas. In more recent times Christmas has had a Polish flavor for me. (Wife is Polish).
|
sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
|
another thing--i never had an equal chance when i dated Jewish women when i was younger--and actually invited a jewish woman to a chritmas eve with me and she had fun--hardest thing otherwise was for their dad to allow me any closer with their princess...why i always asked myself..
hey anyone ever meet a mother-in-law like Marie Barone on Everyone Loves Raymond--
[Edited 12/23/2007 2:26:03 PM]
|
29tootsie
Brightwaters, NY
age: 59
|
Well Soprano....I gotta tell you you made my night...that was really - really funny! thanks for the day or evening brightner!
|
sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
|
tootsie: thanks and nice to meet you--happy i made your day
|
shell523
Port Byron, IL
age: 53
|
Did this really happen?? I feel for you and your poor mom. I have not been to an italian christmas but have been to someones home that cooked some serious Italian food and it was awsome but fish was not involved either. All pasta dishes and till today when I eat egg plant parmasean I still think of that night.
|
sorprano
Wayne, NJ
age: 55
|
it was a joke but haven't you heard o fpeople that do not like italian food--there's always a Karen and always an italian mother-in-law that loves her son more--esp if you watch everyone loves raymond --Marie Barone --pricless esp for many laughs
|