| 11/11/2009 6:33:19 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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phxmark
Glendale, AZ
age: 42
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I unexpectedly lost my wife of 16 years on October 18, 2009. Three weeks of emotional turmoil as of this writing.
Reading many of the posts on here, I know I am not alone.
This has been very difficult for me.
I have friends that I can talk with. I miss her companionship and affection.
She was out of town visiting family when she passed on. This is the most difficult part, is that I did not get to give her one final hug. I hugged her just before she left back in June. She was supposed to be back in September. She had a serious fall before she was supposed to come home in September and said she was going to be home in October.
I know I will get through this eventually.
Does anyone that has gone through this have any advice that makes this a little easier?
Thank you all. I have read some of the posts and they are very good.
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| 11/11/2009 6:53:43 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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looking4_prince
Twin Falls, ID
age: 57
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I'm so sorry for your loss..Your cicumstances are terrible too..All I can say is one day at a time,and it will take many of them before it gets better..stay busy and lean on your friends and family..and we are always here if you need to talk...good luck..
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| 11/11/2009 8:20:54 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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librajason
Gateway, AR
age: 34
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damn dude. sorry to hear it.......lost my wife October of '06
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| 11/11/2009 10:01:17 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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connier
Nampa, ID
age: 62
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you are just starting on avery long and painful journey, so if at all possible please check and see if there is grief counseling available in your area. it truly does help. it really is early for you , so remember it takes one day at a time. and yes, come on here when you need to because we all understand what you are going thru. love and hugs
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| 11/12/2009 5:30:50 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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rocktrout
Washingtonville, PA
age: 45
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Come February 2010 will be 5 years after the auto accident, the only thing that has changed is my attitude and ability to cope with memories. Sadly in your situation, the pain is raw and grieving is fresh. Chances are you still have loved ones looking after you and asking about your well being. Therefore, you are supported and loved; do not make my mistake and throw up a front of strength and manliness. More so, do not place yourself into another relationship until your first anniversary; then test the waters with total honesty and consent of a therapist. Needless to say, keep your head on tight without chemical sedation, read plenty of books, embrace the love around you, write as much as you can one hour per day, and know that your life will change in ways you never imagined.
MOST IMPORTANT! DO NOT PLAY THE "WHAT IF?" GAME IN YOUR HEAD OR HEART. That game is merely mental masturbation and it will lead to severe depression.
Hopefully, this starts you on the road of recovery, healing, and positive change in life. Truly, grieving is a process that is unique for each individual; just like driving cross country. Simply enough, we all take a different route, but the destination is the same; we want to be back in the arms of the ones we love. Hence, make those healthy choices to be certain you arrive without excess baggage, dirt, or guilt.
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| 11/12/2009 7:10:35 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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cali1234
Exeter, CA
age: 61
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So very sorry...We are here for you.
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| 11/12/2009 6:04:09 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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auburngirl2u
Birmingham, AL
age: 46
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I'm very sorry. I lost my husband to cancer in 1999. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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| 11/13/2009 7:29:21 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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dragonrider31
Indianapolis, IN
age: 53
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I unexpectedly lost my wife of 16 years on October 18, 2009. Three weeks of emotional turmoil as of this writing.
Reading many of the posts on here, I know I am not alone.
This has been very difficult for me.
I have friends that I can talk with. I miss her companionship and affection.
She was out of town visiting family when she passed on. This is the most difficult part, is that I did not get to give her one final hug. I hugged her just before she left back in June. She was supposed to be back in September. She had a serious fall before she was supposed to come home in September and said she was going to be home in October.
I know I will get through this eventually.
Does anyone that has gone through this have any advice that makes this a little easier?
Thank you all. I have read some of the posts and they are very good.
First of all, I would like to send my condolences to you. It is hard to lose someone you have been with for many years. I lost my wife almost a year ago and I still think about her. Certain songs remind me of her all the time and I think about the times we would listen to these songs together. It brings back such good memories.
As for helping you cope with this, we all can help you here. We all have lost someone we loved and cherished. Just remember, we are here to help everyone who wants help and to deal with the loss of a loved one. Leave me a message if you wish and tell me how you are feeling.
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| 11/14/2009 11:38:52 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
age: 50
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I'm so sorry for your loss, phxmark. I'm so sorry you weren't able to be with her.
I don't know if any of us can really give you advice to make this easier. You just have to go through all the horrible steps it takes. You have to let the emotions wash over you and you have to let it take all the time it takes. But know that in the midst of all that, you are making your way through it.
But we do all understand, so whenever you need to, just reach out.
[Edited 11/14/2009 11:40:01 AM PST]
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| 11/14/2009 11:45:30 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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phxmark
Glendale, AZ
age: 42
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Thamks to everyone on this board.
I have read other posts, some similar to my situation.
I am in the process of seeking some counseling to help get me through this.
Again everyone, thanks and keep posting.
Sincerely and with love,
Mark
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| 11/14/2009 7:33:41 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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ravenhawk9
Saint George, UT
age: 49
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hi mark...sorry about your loss. please just keep in mind that you will make it and there is no correct way to do the greving process you just do the best you can. please email if you need 2 talk. my husband died 8 years ago ... i will pray 4 you....peace and luv debra
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| 11/20/2009 7:49:35 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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phxmark
Glendale, AZ
age: 42
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What do I do about Christmas???? It won't be the same without her. Totally lonely right now.
Some advice PLEASE???
[Edited 11/20/2009 7:51:12 PM PST]
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| 11/20/2009 8:42:34 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
age: 50
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I don't know what to tell you. I'm facing my first one without my husband, too.
Do you have family living with you or close by? Friends? I know that some people do nothing and see no one. And wait it out.
I can't do that, or won't. I have a child and I need to make it as normal as is possible under the circumstances.
Is there anywhere you can go to get away? Is doing that even possible?
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| 11/21/2009 12:00:35 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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chemical_xxx
Canadensis, PA
age: 33
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sorry to hear about your loss man. i lost my wife of 7 years on October 2nd 2008 which left me being a single father of 2 boys....all i can tell you is do not push yourself to deal with it or hurry to get "back to normal", that old normal is gone, you need to create a new normal....let yourself deal with it naturally, take as long as you need and expect very hard times here and there.
it is very difficult to start over and you MUST first bring yourself to deal with your loss before even thinking of trying to fill the void, it will just end in disaster...and also wouldnt be fair to the other person.
theres so much more i want to say but cant think right now, this really hits home for me. good luck bro, and take your time...dont try to live up to others expectations of when you should be done grieving.
as far as christmas goes....honor her memory exactly the way you both used to do together...if it means putting up the tree and all the decorations then do so....maybe her own special ornament on the tree....something she would love.....my wife used to be so big into doing the tree and everything, so every year for the kids i make it a point to do it up as best i can for her and them.
[Edited 11/21/2009 12:04:33 PM PST]
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| 11/21/2009 12:47:42 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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librajason
Gateway, AR
age: 34
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What do I do about Christmas???? It won't be the same without her. Totally lonely right now.
Some advice PLEASE???
I got no advice on that one.....personally, I'm gonna crawl in a bottle & stay there 'til the holidays are all over with....same as I have the last few years.
I know, I sound pathetic, but that's the way it is.
[Edited 11/21/2009 12:54:45 PM PST]
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| 11/21/2009 4:48:44 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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adams13
Dallas, GA
age: 63
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Phxmark ,I feel all your pain ,I lost my husband of 10 wonderful years suddenly ,9/27/2007,I was on a business trip ,He was going fishing ,I called no answer ,Just thought he got up earlier and left ,until his buddy called wanted to know where my love was ,I called a neighbor his truck was still there ,Called 911 . called my daughter , as I was driving home in a rush to get home 6 hours away , My daughter got to the house and I was talking with her as our friend grab her,I heard the worst scream in all my life I knew I had lost the love of my life . It was the worst .
It has been 2 years ,I work ,I come home and set it is like my life has come to a stop ,I keep trying . Christmas is coming up we will do the same this year we light his favorite candle in his honor . It is so hard to lose your love ones like you I was not there for my last hug, my last kiss,or my last goodbye ,on 9/26/2007 at 9:00pm I told him I loved and missed him so much .Not knowing it was my last time .I wish I could have been home .It was not suppose to be for me or you to be with our loved one .
We now have to figure out how to go on .Maybe we can help one another . Midge
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| 11/22/2009 7:24:22 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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andreasmom
Riverside, CA
age: 55 online now!
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phx you are not alone, we'll understand and we're here tohelp all that need it. Pat
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| 11/22/2009 7:43:19 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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rtwess
Marlton, NJ
age: 70
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Love of the lake - Hopefully you have family nearby to spend Christmas with if not there are a few things you can do. If there is no one you could always have Christmas dinner home or go out but after take them to a good movie. Depending on the ages will determine what type of movie. They have great movies for the holiday season. Of course you will have to make them realize they are in a new place now but that doesn't mean they can't enjoy things with you. Also entertaining them with games will help get their minds off their dad. It will still be with them but helps because you can't play scrabble or such and think of dad at the same time. It's a little reprieve. Though it will be tough you will have to be strong for them as you are the adult and they will look to you for help in this matter. My heart bleeds for you but you are not alone and they need to know they are not alone either. They have you and together you will do the best you can. My prayers are with you. Time will make it easier but you have to get thru this holiday first.
Rose 
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| 11/22/2009 11:23:27 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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phxmark
Glendale, AZ
age: 42
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My family is not as close as I would like to it to be, in either location or closeness.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE ALONE for the holidays!
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| 11/22/2009 5:05:58 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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letusing
Saint Paul, MN
age: 55
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Bless you my friend Bless and your family,my heart and my prayers go out to you!.
Loss is not easy!please give yourself permission to grieve,there is no time on any loss.
Thanks for listning sing!Bev  angel:: :
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| 11/22/2009 5:12:35 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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planelady
Newton, KS
age: 48
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im not sure what is the worse..immediate loss or watching someone die. im sorry for your loss and i will tell you from recent experience, you have to let yourself go thru the process. i was in a fog for at least 3 months, the fog clears eventually, everyone is different. Just breathe, get up and do what you need to do everyday.
Holidays..either go be with your family or go somewhere you have never been and breathe.
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| 11/23/2009 3:28:35 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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brownwilliams1
Denver, CO
age: 29 online now!
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sry
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| 11/23/2009 8:44:12 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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starfish273
Phoenix, AZ
age: 36
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Come February 2010 will be 5 years after the auto accident, the only thing that has changed is my attitude and ability to cope with memories. Sadly in your situation, the pain is raw and grieving is fresh. Chances are you still have loved ones looking after you and asking about your well being. Therefore, you are supported and loved; do not make my mistake and throw up a front of strength and manliness. More so, do not place yourself into another relationship until your first anniversary; then test the waters with total honesty and consent of a therapist. Needless to say, keep your head on tight without chemical sedation, read plenty of books, embrace the love around you, write as much as you can one hour per day, and know that your life will change in ways you never imagined.
MOST IMPORTANT! DO NOT PLAY THE "WHAT IF?" GAME IN YOUR HEAD OR HEART. That game is merely mental masturbation and it will lead to severe depression.
Hopefully, this starts you on the road of recovery, healing, and positive change in life. Truly, grieving is a process that is unique for each individual; just like driving cross country. Simply enough, we all take a different route, but the destination is the same; we want to be back in the arms of the ones we love. Hence, make those healthy choices to be certain you arrive without excess baggage, dirt, or guilt.
Fantastic advice and I "ditto" it all...and I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well rocktrout. I can't say I know what any of you that have been widowed (or lost a partner) feel like, but I lost my father suddenly in 2007 and we were very close. I am told by another friend that lost hers 18 years ago that you never forget 'the day' and that when you least expect it the feelings/emotions surface at fairly inopportune times (and they do). I know that time helps to heal an aching heart, but only if you allow that heart to feel it without restrictions. There are NO time limits so that is my best advice - don't ever put a time limit on grieving - don't think to yourself "oh, it's been a month I should be over this" and don't let others say that either. It is in those situations where many bury the feelings and don't move on emotionally and it's that baggage that resurfaces when you do finally try to "move on" into a new relationship.
Take you time...heed the advice of rocktrout (it's awesome) and keep those that care about you close. Do not seek the affections of another woman too soon or someone is going to get truly hurt.
All the best and in time you will remember the good memories of her with a smile and your heart will manage the aching a little better.
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| 11/23/2009 8:49:10 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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starfish273
Phoenix, AZ
age: 36
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sorry to hear about your loss man. i lost my wife of 7 years on October 2nd 2008 which left me being a single father of 2 boys....all i can tell you is do not push yourself to deal with it or hurry to get "back to normal", that old normal is gone, you need to create a new normal....let yourself deal with it naturally, take as long as you need and expect very hard times here and there.
it is very difficult to start over and you MUST first bring yourself to deal with your loss before even thinking of trying to fill the void, it will just end in disaster...and also wouldnt be fair to the other person.
theres so much more i want to say but cant think right now, this really hits home for me. good luck bro, and take your time...dont try to live up to others expectations of when you should be done grieving.
as far as christmas goes....honor her memory exactly the way you both used to do together...if it means putting up the tree and all the decorations then do so....maybe her own special ornament on the tree....something she would love.....my wife used to be so big into doing the tree and everything, so every year for the kids i make it a point to do it up as best i can for her and them.
More sound advice...and good for you that you push on through "for the kids", but you know what...I bet inside it's a little bit for you too.  I am sorry for your loss as well, but you have great advice and knowledge and I know you will get through all these trying times. All the best.
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| 11/24/2009 12:09:12 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
age: 50
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Thank you, Rtwess. Those are all great suggestions and I'm going to take your advice. We'll start some new traditions, the games and movies.
Because we're far from home and family, I also understand what you're facing, Phxmark. I guess it's something we have to get through.
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| 11/24/2009 8:33:34 AM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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carsonguy1951
Carson City, NV
age: 58
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I so wish there was some magic to make your pain go away.......if there is, I never found it. I lost Judy 16 months ago tomorrow.
I knew my wife was dying of cancer. We fought the battle and then lost. It was wonderful to have the opportunity to talk and say lots of "I love you's" but as it turned out, we thought she had a lot more time than she did. I wish I could have talked more. There was never going to have been enough time I think.
She was uncomfortable but not suffering with the cancer.
While I was there when she died with her family all around her in the hospital, it was still sudden....and unexpected.
I have taken great solace that she did not suffer through a prolonged period of wasting away. Even talking about this brings tears to my eyes....
I can't say it is better to have lost someone suddenly or to have watched as someone who was once strong and healthy slowly became weak and frail.....and known that the caner had won and the time short.
I think talking about how you feel is always good. I had my daughters to talk with. I had some very good e-friends to talk with. I think you can come here and talk as much as you want and everyone will understand......
Many well meaning people will say things that help them but don't help you. Please forgive them, they just don't know how to deal with your pain and grief any more than you do.
There are some good books on grief.... There are churches with bereavement groups..... There are councilors.....
Men tend to keep our feelings all bottled up inside.....my one bit of advice is to just let it out. Cry when you want to cry..... Never worry about what other's think or say.... Talk about missing her as much as you want..... Think about how she did not want to leave you.....
And again, come here as often as you like and share whatever you are feeling..... I suspect anyone who has posted on this thread would be happy to email with you....
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| 11/24/2009 7:50:51 PM |
Wife died unexpectedly |
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junie123456
Ocean View, DE
age: 55
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I'm so sorry for everyone's loss, I lost my husband on 3-25-03
it is very sad, Holidays are very hard even for me, I also lost
my daughter on 11-1-07 she was married with four children, I'll
put everyone in my prayers, it's just one day at a time,
junie
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