| 8/17/2010 9:54:43 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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marniusmaximus
Housatonic, MA
age: 36
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I am requesting opinions on a recent exchange between a guy and a girl. It think it will generate a variety of responses and I am quite curious to know yours. Sorry its a bit long, but it could be fun to chat about to get some conversation going other than the usual. Here's the scenario:
Guy and girl start chatting online, on the phone too. 3-5 hour conversations that get deeper and deeper into everything - goals, values, desires, relationships, histories, you get the picture. Goes on for about three weeks. In fact a strong sexual desire has been acknowledged as well as a heart to heart connection. Both parties are open to a potential relationship and agree it is best to postpone acting on sexual attraction until they get to know each other much better. So just before they are about to meet in person, guy calls girl and says (1) if we start dating, I can only afford 240 minutes a month on my cell phone plan so we will have to instant message each other mostly. (2) Girl is aware that guy has no vehicle and lives over an hour away, but guy then says: I really don't think I'll be able to come to you very often.
That's the scenario. Intelligent and compassionate girl responds and says, "I'm concerned that you really won't be available for a relationship and availability is very important to me if we are going to get close and open up to each other. I have to think this over because I don't want to set myself up to be resentful that you can't talk or visit me, especially when I need you."
Guy gets fuming mad and says that girl is placing "conditions" on the potential relationship. He says her answer is "typical" and that if she "cuts and runs" because of this, he will become bitter and cynical because it is "women like you" that do this to a man. He says she is judging him on materialistic criteria and circumstances and not on who he really is.
Girl tries to explain to guy that she is not rejecting him, just needs a bit of space to think it through. Guy is angry and offensive. Girl gets off the phone and sends guy an e-mail telling him how hurtful his words were, how she will not stand for that kind of treatment, to lose her phone number, and to go **** himself.
Pick a question:
1. Should girl have reacted differently?
2. Do you think this guy's opinion has more merit then she realizes?
3. Do you think men in general feel this way, that women are judging them on their circumstances?
4. Should a man expect a woman to invest in something if he can hardly call or come visit her?
5. Was guy's behavior warranted or was it immature and inconsiderate?
6. If you were in that situation, would you have reacted the same way or differently, and if so, how?
7. Should this guy be taught a lesson by a more honorable and understanding man?
8. Do you think this girl is missing something here?
Your opinion is appreciated and will help me grow as a person.
Thanks! Marney
Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
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| 8/17/2010 10:00:05 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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petron
Garland, TX
age: 49
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you dodged a painfully short relationship, in my opinion
he seems controlling and manipulative
however, i always wonder how the other side of the story would be portrayed.
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| 8/17/2010 10:00:13 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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sodbuster1969
Woodstock, VA
age: 41
|
I started reading your thread and my face fell off. I want the abbreviated version. My advice??? Go to a shoe sale.
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| 8/17/2010 10:01:21 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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arkansasnman
Fayetteville, AR
age: 47
|
Everyone's good at the getting to liking each other part.
Most people suck at the commitment part.
You're going to be told a lot that, "He's just not that into you"......which may be true, but the real pearl is that he's very likely unable to commit to anyone.
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| 8/17/2010 10:02:42 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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qnofmycstle
Tempe, AZ
age: 36 online now!
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Well I'm not a man...but I'll offer up my opinion on it...
I think she dodged a bullet.... She was trying to explain her feelings on the matter and instead of acknowledging how she felt...he became extremely defensive and hurtful in his choice of words....
It was a sign of what's to be expected down the road....it was all about him and he completely disregarded her feelings on the matter...
She should be thankful she found out sooner rather than later....
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| 8/17/2010 10:04:40 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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chinonyc
Brooklyn, NY
age: 33
|
1. Should girl have reacted differently?
2. Do you think this guy's opinion has more merit then she realizes?
3. Do you think men in general feel this way, that women are judging them on their circumstances?
4. Should a man expect a woman to invest in something if he can hardly call or come visit her?
5. Was guy's behavior warranted or was it immature and inconsiderate?
6. If you were in that situation, would you have reacted the same way or differently, and if so, how?
7. Should this guy be taught a lesson by a more honorable and understanding man?
8. Do you think this girl is missing something here?
Your opinion is appreciated and will help me grow as a person.
Thanks! Marney
I can answer 4 and 5 right now. If he's not ready to show any more commitment than she is seeking then he should not expect her to "carry on more than her end" of the potential relationship. His attitude and behavior is totally unwarranted and is best described as classless and pathetic. If I was in his shoes, I would have either taken it nice and slow and progress with it as much as I can or just have a respectful conversation and say to her that he's not ready for that big of a step and move on. There was really no need for him to scream his head off and acting the way that he did.
Don't teach him any sort of lesson. Be thankful that he showed his true character when he did. Now you don't have to worry so much about what kind of boyfriend he might have become.
[Edited 8/17/2010 10:07:00 AM ]
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| 8/17/2010 10:05:20 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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s810fuq
Phoenix, AZ
age: 34 online now!
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Pick a question:
1. Should girl have reacted differently? It seems she was up front about her concerns, his reaction is not her responsibility.
2. Do you think this guy's opinion has more merit then she realizes? For him, sure it does. It is not in her power to manage his opinions.
3. Do you think men in general feel this way, that women are judging them on their circumstances? I think people in general judge others by their circumstances, whether most will admit it or not.
4. Should a man expect a woman to invest in something if he can hardly call or come visit her? I don't think a man or woman should expect anything too extravagant until something real has formed.
5. Was guy's behavior warranted or was it immature and inconsiderate? That depends on your point of view. To him it seems he felt attacked, to you it wasn't acceptable. If a lady acted that way to me, I'd cut my losses there.
6. If you were in that situation, would you have reacted the same way or differently, and if so, how? I'm up front about what my life is and what I can/will or cannot/will not do...either it's accepted or not. No hard feelings.
7. Should this guy be taught a lesson by a more honorable and understanding man? This guy should figure out his own life and go from there.
8. Do you think this girl is missing something here? I think she is dwelling on it too much. Some things work, some don't. Move on.
[Edited 8/17/2010 10:06:42 AM ]
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| 8/17/2010 10:12:33 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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kanaday
Cushing, OK
age: 53
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Marney, there are conditions on everything..Conditions are necessesary for everything..If children don't pick up their toys we put them up or throw some away to set conditions of resposibility for them..When you don't turn that term paper in in college you don't pass that class..There are phone plans that are cheaper to get than what he is using with unlimited mins. after 9 pm...When i didn,t have a car or couldn't drive i paid all the costs of a woman to come and see me..What does he spend his money on, eating out or other un-nessasary things..The question is is she a priority to him..We always put our time and effort and resources in things we value the most..He should not be mad at her at all, he should be seeking ways to to find a way..Where there is a will, there is usually a way..An hour is not that far away, i've done it endless times..
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| 8/17/2010 10:13:48 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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rso75
Hemet, CA
age: 34
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I don't understand why SOME of you women try dating a guy who has no way of transporting himself to you.
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| 8/17/2010 10:14:35 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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turtledove4u
York, PA
age: 46
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Obviously, he was disappointed. He wanted you to do all the "doing"...and come to him. In the adult world...folks have transportantion or the means to get a rental.
As previously said, you have dodged a bullet. NOW, don't back down when he tries to contact you...and he will. Because it/he will suck you in for a second act.
Be strong and move forward sister...and {{hug}} because I know no matter what you typed you still miss him. It will pass...promise 
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| 8/17/2010 10:18:37 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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sodbuster1969
Woodstock, VA
age: 41
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<-----thinks turtledove is a good and decent man.
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| 8/17/2010 10:22:14 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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trish2010
Burley, ID
age: 38
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darlin keep on moving on. agree with most ya dodged it! good luck 
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| 8/17/2010 10:26:03 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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turtledove4u
York, PA
age: 46
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<-----thinks turtledove is a good and decent man.
I am a good and decent woMAN! 
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| 8/17/2010 10:26:49 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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kanaday
Cushing, OK
age: 53
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Well I'm not a man...but I'll offer up my opinion on it...
I think she dodged a bullet.... She was trying to explain her feelings on the matter and instead of acknowledging how she felt...he became extremely defensive and hurtful in his choice of words....
It was a sign of what's to be expected down the road....it was all about him and he completely disregarded her feelings on the matter...
She should be thankful she found out sooner rather than later....
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| 8/17/2010 10:43:55 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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kanaday
Cushing, OK
age: 53
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I am a good and decent woMAN!
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| 8/17/2010 10:45:42 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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matchbox20
Ft Mitchell, KY
age: 44
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Well, your 36 and attractive. I understand material needs not being overly important. BUT, why pursue a guy an hour away whom has no car, limited time on the phone? Cut your losses is a great idea, let him do whatever he wants with his.
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| 8/17/2010 10:51:25 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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kanaday
Cushing, OK
age: 53
|
Well I'm not a man...but I'll offer up my opinion on it...
I think she dodged a bullet.... She was trying to explain her feelings on the matter and instead of acknowledging how she felt...he became extremely defensive and hurtful in his choice of words....
It was a sign of what's to be expected down the road....it was all about him and he completely disregarded her feelings on the matter...
She should be thankful she found out sooner rather than later....
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| 8/17/2010 10:53:10 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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qnofmycstle
Tempe, AZ
age: 36 online now!
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Exactly...
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| 8/17/2010 11:05:15 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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claudius5
Petaluma, CA
age: 60
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You both have different needs and while it may be enticing, eventually one or the other of you will be dissatisfied with the arrangement. His not being understanding of your feelings speaks volumes about his ability to be in a relationship and to compare you to all women is disingenuous at best. A relationship should be about each giving to it and not one person doing all the work. You need to think about what is best for you and go from there. I wish you well.
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| 8/17/2010 11:07:02 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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rlm68
Mesa, AZ
age: 41
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with all of these threads going on about bad emails and what do they mean and since i date strictly by those i meet first time encounters...does this much stupid shit really take place doing the dating scene online..? if so, then why are you still considering it..? sorry, i just dont get it..
if i get bit in the a** i dont wait around so it can happen again to me thats idiotic..
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| 8/17/2010 11:14:32 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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abreathaway
Tulsa, OK
age: 59
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rlm...with all these distances that are represented in the online dating world...emails, texts and phone conversations are sometimes all we have!
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| 8/17/2010 11:20:46 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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rlm68
Mesa, AZ
age: 41
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rlm...with all these distances that are represented in the online dating world...emails, texts and phone conversations are sometimes all we have!
must be tough living in the world of the unknown then. assuming they are truthful and not playing you. i cant do it or could its a platform just setting you up to crash atleast from my point of view. i cant make it ..make sense to me is all.
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| 8/17/2010 11:50:54 AM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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turtledove4u
York, PA
age: 46
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Nice picture Dove..
Thanks Hun....{{blush}}
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| 8/17/2010 12:38:07 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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grneydsnglmale
Grand Junction, CO
age: 52
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(sings) I see your true colors shinin through
I see your true colors, that's why I loathe you...(or something like that.)
Seems to me he wanted something that fit him, not both. You are better off without him. Or anyone with that kind of attitude.
[Edited 8/17/2010 12:38:32 PM ]
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| 8/17/2010 12:38:50 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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75scott
Colorado Springs, CO
age: 35 online now!
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I think she handled it just fine. She made a boundary of her's clear and stuck by it.
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| 8/17/2010 12:57:14 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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lovethelake17
Henderson, NV
age: 51
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OK, so up until he told you that he couldn't afford to talk much on the phone and couldn't afford to see you as often as you'd both like, it was fine?
When you expressed your understandable misgivings, he became defensive?
See, I would have to think that he also has misgivings about his situation and is maybe a little embarrassed about it. He's probably had some bad experiences in regard to his diminished financial state, and you were just the straw who broke the camel's back.
I think he reacted very strongly and maybe it is because he's controlling and overwrought, and maybe he's just depressed and ashamed.
So he overreacted and was upset and angry at what he saw, I imagine, as just another person judging him for his let's hope temporary position. Then you compounded it by becoming angry, too, and told him to f' off.
So I'd say let things cool down for a bit, and allow both of you some time to think.
And then maybe figure out if it was all just embarrassment and shame talking or if he really has a problem and it is that you dodged a bullet.
My question to you, though, could you have gone to him more easily than he to you...or at least more often than he could?
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| 8/17/2010 3:58:38 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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marniusmaximus
Housatonic, MA
age: 36
|
Wow. This was a great idea. You have all given me what I expected - a variety of responses. I suppose this wouldn't have mattered so much to me had I not felt a strong connection to this guy. I am a pretty intelligent and intense girl and I spoke in conversations with this guy at a extremely deep level which I am not accustomed to. Somehow my words seemed to be coming from a different place inside me - like my soul - and mind you I am NOT a spiritual person by any means. We just touched on some real stuff, not the surface stuff I am used to with most of my dates in the last two years.
So as I was getting to know him before this debacle - the intense communication stirred in me the possibility of love which I have not experienced in probably 12 years. In fact, I would say I forgot that it even existed or at least I have started to believe that deep genuine and heart racing love is not possible. Too many obstacles in the world. Not to say I am settling. I am not. Its just that I tend to be a realist, ya know?
I know too from my studies in neuropsyche that sensory memory is the most powerful and thus has the greatest effect on us. That explains why a person's voice - even on the phone - can send shivers down your spine. And how a smell can stir memories of someone from 20 years ago.
Thanks to all for the input. I do agree that I did the right thing - especially the right thing for me which was not to tolerate hurtful behavior. I was actually willing to travel to him no problem and honestly, him being piss poor was no big deal until he made it apparent that it would influence our burgeoning relationship so much. Ugh. Live and learn...
All I have to say is thank goodness for german beer tonight.
Thanks for listening and for sharing your truth...
Gotta go. Marney
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| 8/17/2010 4:02:38 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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chinonyc
Brooklyn, NY
age: 33
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You're very much welcome, Marney. You don't need to let some guy that you barely know ruin or cause complications to your life. You should be with someone who desires you for you regardless of the circumstances behind it. 
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| 8/17/2010 5:04:49 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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ladyeden
Waynesville, MO
age: 50 online now!
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Not a man, but...
For most adults an hours drive would not ordinarily be a barrier to a relationship.
That's assuming that the burden is not borne solely by one.
Here's a thought...
He had time and motivation to be your smooth wooer BECAUSE of his situation.
He may be upset against his situation OR because he thought he had you in the bag.
To consider, a person that is complacent and content to allow another to bear all the burden for them rather than pony up to fix thier own situation is showing a user's mentality. Challanges happen in every life. Character is how we deal with them. Any person that accepts/expects others to carry them are not adults. His temper tantrum, attempt to guilt and manipulate was simply more evidence that as much as you thought you connected - you were being suckered in. I'm with those that feel you dodged a bullet. Users and loosers come in both genders.
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| 8/17/2010 5:13:54 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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really_dude
Mesquite, TX
age: 54
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Guy and girl start chatting online, on the phone too. 3-5 hour conversations that get deeper and deeper into everything - goals, values, desires, relationships, histories, you get the picture. Goes on for about three weeks.
#8. The girl missed something here....Men that have a job do not spend 3-5 hrs a night on the phone for 3 wks...even if they can afford the minutes.
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| 8/17/2010 5:17:53 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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honestami
Ravenna, OH
age: 54
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 So You Fall For A Guy That Has No Car,can only afford 240 minutes a month on cell???????,,,lives an hour away and you want to know who is right or wrong???? Holy Crap, This gets stranger every day!
[Edited 8/17/2010 5:18:13 PM ]
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| 8/17/2010 5:34:40 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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th6231
Point Pleasant Beach, NJ
age: 62
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The stages of relationship development were about normal---the next steps were also "painfully" normal--in that you found out there were ISSUES and PROBLEMS connected with trying to take this relationship to a higher step. Its a "series of steps" in the development of ANY relationship--and problems can arise at any one of these steps. Yours arose when they did and they are evidently insurmountable and disTasteful. Thank your lucky stars that you were exposed to HIS behavior "abnormalities"--EARLY. Some people do not discover a problem for months or even years into a relationship. In my opinion--a partner would have to be an EXTRAORDINARY person for ME to have to make concessions and be overly accepting. Little or no way of NORMALLY getting around-(vehicle or license)--very limited or NO communications---distance issues--- and obviously terrible interpersonal relationship skills--these would be a "big red flag" and I would have to end it immediately. As you have found out,It takes time to complete the DISCOVERY PHASE---so that part of your story is normal--the rest just demonstrated that this man was not going to work out. It's No big deal--lots and lots of people go through this in their life. If there are "problems" in the beginning--its only going to be BAD as time goes on. I (ME) am NOT that desperate! Your next attempt may go better--or be even worse--there are no guarantees in life--we all have to keep trying. NEVER lower your standards--and be alert for any signs of PROBLEMS.
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| 8/17/2010 6:03:34 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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dullhooks
Berlin, CT
age: 48
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To me it sounds like he started backpeddleing just before they were going to meet in person. How could one think those conditions wouldn't send someone running. Typical internet dating game, Cut your losses and keep searching.
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| 8/17/2010 6:09:39 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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stobil
Gallatin, TN
age: 30
|
I am requesting opinions on a recent exchange between a guy and a girl. It think it will generate a variety of responses and I am quite curious to know yours. Sorry its a bit long, but it could be fun to chat about to get some conversation going other than the usual. Here's the scenario:
Guy and girl start chatting online, on the phone too. 3-5 hour conversations that get deeper and deeper into everything - goals, values, desires, relationships, histories, you get the picture. Goes on for about three weeks. In fact a strong sexual desire has been acknowledged as well as a heart to heart connection. Both parties are open to a potential relationship and agree it is best to postpone acting on sexual attraction until they get to know each other much better. So just before they are about to meet in person, guy calls girl and says (1) if we start dating, I can only afford 240 minutes a month on my cell phone plan so we will have to instant message each other mostly. (2) Girl is aware that guy has no vehicle and lives over an hour away, but guy then says: I really don't think I'll be able to come to you very often.
That's the scenario. Intelligent and compassionate girl responds and says, "I'm concerned that you really won't be available for a relationship and availability is very important to me if we are going to get close and open up to each other. I have to think this over because I don't want to set myself up to be resentful that you can't talk or visit me, especially when I need you."
Guy gets fuming mad and says that girl is placing "conditions" on the potential relationship. He says her answer is "typical" and that if she "cuts and runs" because of this, he will become bitter and cynical because it is "women like you" that do this to a man. He says she is judging him on materialistic criteria and circumstances and not on who he really is.
Girl tries to explain to guy that she is not rejecting him, just needs a bit of space to think it through. Guy is angry and offensive. Girl gets off the phone and sends guy an e-mail telling him how hurtful his words were, how she will not stand for that kind of treatment, to lose her phone number, and to go **** himself.
Pick a question:
1. Should girl have reacted differently?
2. Do you think this guy's opinion has more merit then she realizes?
3. Do you think men in general feel this way, that women are judging them on their circumstances?
4. Should a man expect a woman to invest in something if he can hardly call or come visit her?
5. Was guy's behavior warranted or was it immature and inconsiderate?
6. If you were in that situation, would you have reacted the same way or differently, and if so, how?
7. Should this guy be taught a lesson by a more honorable and understanding man?
8. Do you think this girl is missing something here?
Your opinion is appreciated and will help me grow as a person.
Thanks! Marney
I just wonder why you would settle for a guy that had no vehicle. I mean it says you are 36, and I'm assuming he's at least close to that. I could get it if you lived in Washington D.C. where lots of people don't have cars and take the subway. But if that's not the case, how far is he going to go in life if in his late 30s he can't drive anywhere? I think you should be glad this isn't happening.
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| 8/17/2010 6:14:06 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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crzyblubttrfly
Fort Smith, AR
age: 51
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See how he made his inadquency your issue. His unavailablity should have been brought up much earlier. Thats a case in point of why you shouldn't sign up for long phone relationships before you see if you even want to engage in one at all with them!!
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| 8/17/2010 6:24:33 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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bludim
Las Vegas, NV
age: 29
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I was talking to him for about a week and then we hit it off then when we meet up it was over in a heart beat y men y?
1st like always I got to know him as well he got to know me. Then I was talking about thing that happen on a camping trip and he was talking about his campring trip. Good right... Right
2nd so he want to meet I yes ya then I got scard and then he understand so we exchange # 's start txt about family, ect..
last thing and he offer coffee and we meet up and we eat he drink coffee then I was I just talk a littlw and drop my toast. As he was talking about amy stuff I got it I just don't go out much so I really didn't get everything he was saying then we was support to have a bbq then it was over ( which I new it) I just want to know what did I do wrong?
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| 8/17/2010 6:29:03 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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mischiefmanaged
Bellevue, WA
age: 40
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1. Should girl have reacted differently? No.
2. Do you think this guy's opinion has more merit then she realizes? No.
3. Do you think men in general feel this way, that women are judging them on their circumstances? Well, yes. But everyone judges how a person Manages their circumstances. At least I hope they judge the managing part.
4. Should a man expect a woman to invest in something if he can hardly call or come visit her? it should be 50/50 on the time. She makes an effort to visit him for a day/night, he reciprocates.
5. Was guy's behavior warranted or was it immature and inconsiderate? It's just the maturity level he is at. immature if you must label it.
6. If you were in that situation, would you have reacted the same way or differently, and if so, how?
I would tell the angry party that they are angry b/c (list evidence) and they won't be thinking clearly- we can finish the conversation when they've calmed down.
7. Should this guy be taught a lesson by a more honorable and understanding man?
answer-what are you implying? He's only going to learn in his own way at his own pace. I wouldn't pretend he'd learn anything from anyone.
8. Do you think this girl is missing something here? Nope.
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| 8/17/2010 6:31:00 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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throwback19
Sullivan, OH
age: 40 online now!
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You did right in telling that chump to take a hike and bludim, I really don't know what you said lol.
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| 8/17/2010 6:33:29 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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thebestman
Alpharetta, GA
age: 36
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you dodged a painfully short relationship, in my opinion
he seems controlling and manipulative
however, i always wonder how the other side of the story would be portrayed.
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| 8/17/2010 6:38:59 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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tammyc333
Urbandale, IA
age: 44 online now!
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I'm going to focus on the phone. The two peeps obviously had lengthy conversations for three weeks or so before this key discussion.. It sounds like he may have racked up some pretty hefty phone bills doing this and felt he needed to communicate this without being too specific about it breaking his wallet...ego and all. Secondly..how deep could they really have gotten if they waited until the llth hour to mention the specifics of how they would actually get together? They were already talking about upcoming sex..but not who was going to where? I dunno. Sometimes people can have some great convos without it really having much longevity. It doesn't mean it wasn't great at the time..but in the end.. that's all it was.. some fun conversation.
I don't think either person was horribly wrong persay.. I think it was simply different communication styles and differing sensitivies specific to each person. He was only being honest.. she doesn't want to be doing all the traveling. But she also knew he didn't have a car.. so he didn't hide that. don't know if the bus was an option or not..he got upset..maybe his ego... she got upset at him being upset.. sounds more like the reality of life got in the way of the fantasy ... it sometimes happens that way.
It's close...but based on the limited information.. I would say that she was wrong for holding what she already knew against him... maybe they should have addressed the distance thing.. first. But at least the two of them enjoyed conversation with each other for three weeks.
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| 8/17/2010 6:58:45 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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marniusmaximus
Housatonic, MA
age: 36
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"His temper tantrum, attempt to guilt and manipulate was simply more evidence that as much as you thought you connected - you were being suckered in."
Yeah, that was it and I am so glad you pointed out the attempt to guilt me. I suppose I tend to be overly compassionate by nature of what I do for a living and my incredibly strong motivation for helping others. As a mental health professional working with the severely mentally ill, I am pretty used to being patient, sincere and open-minded.
My problem lies with two things - the first is his lack of willingness to try to see my perspective or to solve the problem rather than jump down my throat when I pointed it out. People who do not try to solve their problems become my problem. Yuck. The second thing is I cannot and will not be with a man - or a friend for that matter - that does not have a kind heart. I am just too caring for that and any kind of hurtful words show a general disrespect for fellow human beings.
I am an optimist, not an idealist. If a guy is a good person, a decent man, caring and considerate and honorable, yes, I would do some extra traveling and be creative about our dates so it would not make him feel bad that he is in this financial position. He is a late blooming college student trying to find his way into becoming a writer. I am a practicing fine artist who gets it since I spent time not working to get my Masters.
However, I never would put my shit on someone else. Being a man means taking action, demonstrating self respect and respect for women, usually a consequence of honoring one's mother in life. In my nine years of marriage, my ex-husband never said anything as hurtful as this guy did...I was shocked!
I have often explained to some who think I am overly compassionate or too easy on people, that I feel better when I look in the mirror for my nonjudgmental acceptance of others' plights in life and personal difficulties. BUT, A BIG BUT, I do have boundaries, won't accept mean behavior or unfair fighting and I remain committed to my strength and well-being in life. Caring for myself is unshakable since I cannot be an effective human being if I don't.
To those who I think I should not have even considered it from the get go knowing he doesn't have a car, I imagined he'd find a way to take a bus like any normal adult. I also imagined that our phone calls would not remain 3-5 hours once we started spending actual time together. But if it got to the next level, I would want a phone call pretty much everyday and I don't think that is abnormal or irrational.
I hope you can see why I tried to make it work initally before he got out of hand.
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| 8/17/2010 7:12:30 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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marniusmaximus
Housatonic, MA
age: 36
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Tammy, yours is really the first perspective that I got it wrong here.
Its interesting to ponder, but I can't help repeat that I wasn't holding it against him. But I was thinking to myself...how the hell is this going to work?
He got mad that I asked for a bit of time to consider if we should go much further because I had assumed he was going to make much more effort to participate in the potential relationship by way of our great phone style. It seemed initally that he had plenty of time to talk in the evenings and never told me that his cell plan was a problem. He was using someone else's land line the whole time and actually come to think of it, he told me he wasn't using his cell because he didn't get reception at the place he stayed on for the summer as a farm hand.
Liar too? I am thinking of a word that rhymes with stick.
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| 8/17/2010 7:15:56 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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giovani_billini
Havelock, NC
age: 44 online now!
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She dodged a very potential abusive relationship.
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| 8/17/2010 7:33:23 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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tammyc333
Urbandale, IA
age: 44 online now!
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Tammy, yours is really the first perspective that I got it wrong here.
Its interesting to ponder, but I can't help repeat that I wasn't holding it against him. But I was thinking to myself...how the hell is this going to work?
He got mad that I asked for a bit of time to consider if we should go much further because I had assumed he was going to make much more effort to participate in the potential relationship by way of our great phone style. It seemed initally that he had plenty of time to talk in the evenings and never told me that his cell plan was a problem. He was using someone else's land line the whole time and actually come to think of it, he told me he wasn't using his cell because he didn't get reception at the place he stayed on for the summer as a farm hand.
Liar too? I am thinking of a word that rhymes with stick.
I can see your point, marnie. Please don't misunderstand..you sound like a lovely person. I get that you presumed he would make more of an effort. I'm a woman.. I would think that too! I would expect him to be a man about it. I get what you're saying completely. and him getting upset about you wanting to think about it. I get that too. ..I'm just saying that my interpretation of your post was that it sounded like he maybe felt led on (NOT THAT HE WAS)..that you knew from the start that he didn't have a car and in HIS mind he was probably believing that it was ok with you...it sounds like the both of you were making presumptions.. he maybe thought you were ok to do the traveling, and you thought he'd make more of an effort..but the actual conversation about it didn't take place until the end and then you were both surprised by one another's presumptions. I'll grant that he prob shouldn't have flown off the handle..but I also get that he could have been embarassed about his circumstances (see..now I'm the one presuming  . but in the end marnes..can I call you "marnes"?  .. in the end ya just gotta follow your gut. I'm just one stranger online.. what do I know? I'm obviously in the minority, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I would feel the same way.. I would be upset that he hadn't manned up. But from the outside looking in..I dunno.. it looks different. best wishes
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| 8/17/2010 7:36:57 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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leftfooted
West Covina, CA
age: 51
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Sorry its a bit long, but it could be fun to chat about to get some conversation going other than the usual.
This is the usual....
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| 8/17/2010 7:39:35 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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cowboyupphx
Prescott, AZ
age: 44
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This is why I keep PHONE/TEXT/ Emails, to the very minimum...it's meet and greet or it's - IT, but then again I aint Decent or Good
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| 8/17/2010 8:02:20 PM |
Hurtful or helpful? Need advice from good & decent men! |
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snurf
Jacksonville, FL
age: 90
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You hurt his feelings. Sounds like the two of you had something special going. Maybe he thought you were "the one". Then suddenly he felt rejected, thus he responded with anger. Anger is the usual emotion when one is rejected.
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