Unbelievable Personal Ad Moments Caught In Type

Personal ads have been a part of American life since they first appeared in newspapers in the late 18th century. As populations became more migratory, they increased proportionally. Newspapers of the 19th century, such as The Boston Pilot, carried ads for mail-order brides, missing persons, magical elixirs and just about anything else an advertiser was willing to buy space for.

In this computer age, personal ads have proliferated the Internet as well as newspapers. Here then are a few to pique your interest and tickle your funny bone.

"Submissive male seeks dominant female with extensive knowledge of knots."

"SWM into chainsaws and hockey masks seeks like-minded SWF. No weirdos, please."

"JELLO BOY-SWM who likes to slowly fold canned fruit into Jell-O, seeks female partner for distinctly American activities. Dirty pigeons need not respond. Teleclub Ext. 40485"

And from Box 1234 at The Boston Phoenix comes:

"SWM seeks 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me."

It would seem that "weird" truly is in the eye of the beholder. For the more esoteric among us, consider the following ads:

"BABY BIRD / Fed up with water-sports? Constrained by traditional dominant- submissive roles? Try a more nurturing role: feed me like a baby pelican! Both sexes welcome. I supply the raw herring; you bring the big strap-on beak. No weirdos."

"I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes."


These ads coming up have no category to speak of, for they are what most non-asylum residents would refer to as "over the top":

"SWM, old, fat, balding, many disgusting habits seeks SWF with money. Send pictures of your house, car, RV. This could be your lucky day."

"Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly, chronic, and a complete liar seeks total opposite."

"Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks."

It takes all kinds of people to make a world. Still, are we ready for more who may think along some of these lines? Doesn’t it make you wonder (and possibly shudder) at the thought of what some of them might consider weird?

Sleep well.


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