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What has six legs and loves ants?
by dandruff at 4/14/2014 10:11:01 AM
Three uncles, sorry...
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A woman in her 50's visited her doctor.
by dandruff at 4/13/2014 10:02:16 AM
A woman in her 50's visited her doctor. She was really down. "Doc", she says, "I dont know what to do, my husband is just not interested in sex anymore, he's having a hard time getting an erectio...
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A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week.
by dandruff at 4/12/2014 8:01:58 PM
He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food. He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty. The waiter comes ...
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A dietitian
by dandruff at 4/11/2014 3:26:32 PM
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erod...
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Little Johnny
by dandruff at 4/10/2014 2:59:54 PM
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on her shoulder and said "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades - somebody is going...
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I don't mean
by dandruff at 4/9/2014 5:01:25 PM
I don't mean to get all mushy and sentimental... but I've never said this to anyone before: oggie boogie ich ich, skibobble de do wap, ziggy zam zoooooooooo! Really, I've never said that before :...
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Two medical students
by dandruff at 4/8/2014 7:56:19 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure ...
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There is more money
by dandruff at 4/7/2014 9:01:30 PM
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erection...
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Anger Management:
by dandruff at 4/5/2014 4:09:39 PM
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.
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How do you catch an elephant
by dandruff at 4/4/2014 1:34:17 PM
How do you catch an elephant with a pit full of ash surrounded by peas? You wait for the elephant to take a pea and kick him in the ash. sorry...
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I was having trouble sleeping,
by dandruff at 4/3/2014 1:20:36 PM
so my doctor suggested alcohol, I said "will that help me sleep"? He said "no, but you wont mind being awake." sorry...
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A blonde took a check into a bank to cash it.
by dandruff at 4/2/2014 4:56:11 PM
As she stood before the teller who was examining the check, the teller said, "Can you identify yourself?" The blonde took a mirror out of her purse, glanced at it, and with relief said, "Yes, it's ...
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A guy goes to see his doctor...
by dandruff at 4/1/2014 2:04:03 PM
A guy goes to see his doctor and says "doctor i keep thinking i'm a cowboy" doctor says "How long have you been feeling this way" the guy says "about a yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa"
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Yuh don't get built like this overnight...!
by dandruff at 3/31/2014 7:33:07 PM
It takes years of neglect
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A husband and wife had four boys.
by dandruff at 3/30/2014 2:08:00 PM
The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on ...
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Job Application
by dandruff at 3/29/2014 2:23:02 PM
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiti...
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A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish.
by dandruff at 3/28/2014 12:33:54 PM
He was sitting in is boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up...
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A man...
by dandruff at 3/27/2014 7:45:00 PM
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn...
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best way to drown a blonde?
by dandruff at 3/26/2014 4:53:34 PM
...scratch and sniff sticker on bottom of a pool, sorry...
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After a drink...
by dandruff at 3/24/2014 9:19:44 AM
After a drink Paddy says to Murphy 'If I shag your missus and she has a kid will that make us family?' Murphy says 'No mate, that'll make us even!'
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Two guy's
by dandruff at 3/23/2014 11:43:27 AM
Two guy's where discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied "I'm not sure, what was her name mai...
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I just broke up with a guy
by dandruff at 3/22/2014 11:32:17 AM
"I just broke up with a guy. We broke up for religious reasons. He failed to worship me." - Thea Vidale, female comic on "Last Comic Standing" Q: What happens when your ex's divorce lawyer takes V...
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Why did the blonde...
by dandruff at 3/20/2014 12:12:46 PM
Why did the blonde keep an empty milk bottle in her fridge? In case someone wanted their coffee black. (no offence to blonds)
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Why did tigger...
by dandruff at 3/19/2014 12:54:33 PM
Why did tigger have his head down the toilet? he was looking for pooh! sorry...
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2 cows...
by dandruff at 3/18/2014 10:00:59 AM
2 cows in a field one cow says "mmmoooooooo". The other cow says "I knew you'd say that".
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My dog's a blacksmith.
by dandruff at 3/17/2014 1:00:57 PM
Every time we open the front door she makes a bolt for it.
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Michael Jackson
by dandruff at 3/16/2014 6:45:07 PM
Michael Jackson was spotted at a JC Penny's recently... he heard the boys' pants were...half off.
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I like a girl
by dandruff at 3/15/2014 7:30:02 PM
I like a girl with a head on her shoulders... because I don't like necks
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A woman is hurriedly shopping...
by dandruff at 3/14/2014 8:40:39 PM
A woman is hurriedly shopping when she sees a man trying to discipline 6 children. She asks him, "are all those kids yours?" The man looks at her , shrugs and says,"naw. I work in a condom factory...
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There is a knock on St. Peter's door.
by dandruff at 3/12/2014 8:24:26 PM
He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens ...
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
by dandruff at 3/12/2014 2:31:18 PM
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here, sorry...
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Did you hear about the guy...
by dandruff at 3/11/2014 2:32:43 PM
Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls? He left no tern unstoned, sorry...
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Conversation between doctor and patient:
by dandruff at 3/10/2014 9:09:08 PM
Doctor: "Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?" Patient: "Yes. " Doctor: "So has your asthma disappeared completely? " Patient: "No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have."...
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I, if elected,
by dandruff at 3/9/2014 6:49:07 PM
I, if elected, will do away with day light savings and replace it with Day Savings Time, wake up one Monday morning and push the calendar back to Friday night. Had enough? Vote for Druff, you could do...
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Wear short sleeves!
by dandruff at 3/8/2014 11:43:40 AM
Support your right to bare arms! sorry...
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Last time I went skating...
by dandruff at 3/7/2014 1:35:07 PM
Last time I went skating I had a little problem with my rental skates, somebody went and put wheels on 'em You might say I skated for hours on end...
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Ever try to throw out a garbage can?
by dandruff at 3/6/2014 4:39:19 PM
They won't take it! I even tried posting a sign that read "please take this", they took the sign!
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The following...
by dandruff at 3/5/2014 8:30:12 PM
The following is based on a truly ridiculous story, only the names have been changed to protect the absurd. So here I yam, minding my own business, when some woman was (I guess) flirting with me. I wa...
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Ronald Reagan
by dandruff at 3/4/2014 10:21:07 AM
Ronald Reagan was asked to pray at a banquet for WW2 vets, after he started praying ex president carter interrupted and said "Mr. Reagan, we can't hear you!" Reagan looked up and replied with "Mr. Car...
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Albert Einstein
by dandruff at 3/3/2014 1:46:35 PM
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-c...
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I mixed onions with beans...
by dandruff at 3/2/2014 12:06:09 PM
now I got tear gas! sorry...
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hate being interrupted during prayer,
by dandruff at 2/28/2014 3:11:02 PM
there's something about putting God on hold...
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A wayward goat
by dandruff at 2/27/2014 1:58:10 PM
A wayward goat wandered into a Carl's Jr. restaurant Wed. in Mira Loma, CA...Before being corralled by the Riverside County S.D. the goat approached the counter and requested a "Kids" meal, sorry...::...
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What kind of bees produce milk?
by dandruff at 2/26/2014 5:12:46 PM
Boo-Bees! sorry...
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I always take my salary to the bank...
by dandruff at 2/25/2014 2:49:53 PM
It's too little to go by itself
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KISS
by dandruff at 2/24/2014 8:18:33 PM
I remember when KISS took off their make up, I was shocked, it was my family...
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There are these animals...
by dandruff at 2/23/2014 3:40:05 PM
There are these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night... * The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent." * The duck says 'Just put it on my bill...
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I wish...
by dandruff at 2/22/2014 10:41:48 PM
I wish there was a button to control the intelligence level of programs on my TV. There's one labelled "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work
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My friends and I had a drinking game...
by dandruff at 2/21/2014 3:21:54 PM
Three of us would pass around a fifth of Jack Daniels til it was gone, one of us would get up to get another fifth and the other two would try to guess which one left
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Mail was a little wet this morning,
by dandruff at 2/20/2014 9:20:57 PM
Mail was a little wet this morning, must've been postage dew. sorry...
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What am I doing wrong?
by dandruff at 2/20/2014 2:32:38 PM
I bought a 20oz bottle of Diet Coke, unscrewed the cap and it said "please try again", so I screwed it back on and it still said "please try again" I tried it again and again and again and it still sa...
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Well...
by dandruff at 2/19/2014 2:34:26 PM
Well, it's with a heavy heart that I announce my last grandparents' death, RIP grandma. 2/22/2-2/19/14 [img]https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/p526x296/1619190_10152220368708560_1088...
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I'm in like...
by dandruff at 1/2/2014 5:36:28 PM
[img]https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/1504016_10153671833355077_2023349995_n.jpg[/img]
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um...what am I eating?
by dandruff at 11/13/2013 3:11:17 PM
"Processed cheese food"? Is the stuff so bad they have to include the word "food" so you'll know it's safe to eat? Ah, I see, Dog food, cat food, fish food, CHEESE FOOD! This is what cheese eats! That...
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relying obamascare
by dandruff at 11/12/2013 3:07:21 AM
relying obamascare is like throwing a toaster in the bath whilst you're drowning...
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How many college football players
by dandruff at 11/11/2013 5:48:01 PM
How many college football players does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't know, but they got an A in the class.
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I went into a lesbian pub by mistake.
by dandruff at 11/10/2013 7:41:26 PM
I noticed straight away that it was a real tough place. Even the pool table had no balls.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly...
by dandruff at 11/9/2013 3:23:22 PM
I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' -Rodney Dangerfield
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Had...
by dandruff at 11/6/2013 9:54:10 PM
Had Yoko Ono married Don Ho she'd be Yo Ho? Has she married Sonny Bono she'd be Yoko Ono-Bono? Had she married Yoko Zuna she'd be Yoko Yoko Ono-Zuna? If she had married Apolo Ohno she'd be Yoko Ono Oh...
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My cat was stolen,
by dandruff at 11/5/2013 5:42:46 PM
I'm guessing it was the neighborhood purr snatcher, sorry...
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If electricity comes from electrons…
by dandruff at 11/3/2013 9:15:34 PM
does that mean that morality comes from morons?
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What do you get
by dandruff at 8/30/2013 1:46:35 PM
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway. Sorry...
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My dog disappeared!
by dandruff at 8/15/2013 11:32:21 PM
Last time I saw her I was vacuuming, didn't think anything was wrong, she always hides from the vacuum but this time she's gone, My uncle came over with a mag light searched every square foot of my ho...
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If you vote...
by dandruff at 7/29/2013 2:40:02 AM
"If you vote for somebody just because some rock star says to then you deserve whatever you get" -Alice Cooper (Vincent Furnier)
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The perfect man
by dandruff at 7/24/2013 2:17:01 PM
The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father...
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I broke up with my GF for religious reasons,
by dandruff at 7/24/2013 12:41:51 PM
I broke up with my GF for religious reasons, I'm Pentecostal and she's satan...
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A doctor made it his regular habit...
by dandruff at 7/19/2013 2:52:51 PM
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have his drink waiting at 5.03 pm. One afternoo...
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faith looks up
by dandruff at 7/9/2013 3:37:36 PM
THE BUZZARD: If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feetby 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner.. The reason is that a buz...
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A beautiful girl was...
by dandruff at 7/7/2013 2:35:26 PM
A beautiful girl was minding her own business at a restaurant when she was approached by a stranger who said "what do you say to a little ass, baby?" She said "hi, little ass!"
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America's birthday
by dandruff at 7/5/2013 11:35:26 AM
America's birthday is the 4th of July but she collects her presents on April 15...
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And I, if elected...
by dandruff at 7/3/2013 4:08:26 PM
And I, if elected, will find a way to satisfy both left minded and right minded people. Abortion will still be legal but there will be a 10 month waiting list that your name cannot be placed on the l...
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And I, if elected...
by dandruff at 7/2/2013 3:01:00 PM
And I, if elected, will cut all taxes to 10%, if the Church can get by on a tithe, why can't Uncle Sam? Had enough? Vote for Druff, Dan Druff for president, you could do worse and many times, you did!
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And I, if elected,
by dandruff at 7/1/2013 3:55:01 PM
And I, if elected, will instill the $5 law, you catch somebody doing something stupid, they owe you $5, example, you say "I've lost my car keys," moron asks "where'd you lose them?" He owes you $5 (an...
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A young bride was scouring the aisles
by dandruff at 6/30/2013 6:09:43 PM
A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her. "Can I help you find somethin...
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So, I gots a 20 oz bottle of diet coke
by dandruff at 6/24/2013 2:10:32 PM
So, I gots a 20 oz bottle of diet coke, opened it and it read "please try again", so I screwed the cap back on and tried again, it still read "please try again"! I kept screwing it on like a zillion t...
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Kids letters to God
by dandruff at 6/20/2013 8:46:08 PM
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda 2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for...
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I remember when
by dandruff at 6/17/2013 8:48:33 PM
I remember when I brought home a note from my 3rd grade teacher, it said "Dan is trying ...very trying."
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An answer
by dandruff at 6/16/2013 4:21:58 PM
An answer that will satisfy even the strictest college professor, what's the most powerful nation on earth? Determination.
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I saw a man
by dandruff at 6/14/2013 7:45:09 PM
I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill. I thought, "He's pushing his luck." These are getting worse...
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Are blue jeans
by dandruff at 6/13/2013 9:38:54 PM
Are blue jeans really just depressed chromosomes? Sorry...
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How do yuh sneak up on a celery?
by dandruff at 6/12/2013 2:06:12 PM
yuh stalk, sorry...
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Yuh know what
by dandruff at 6/11/2013 8:29:07 PM
Yuh know what waking up at 5am has in common with a pig's tail? There both twirly (too early? sometimes I tell 'em just for myself)
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Mind if I horn in...?
by dandruff at 6/9/2013 3:19:07 PM
For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're g...
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A family of mice
by dandruff at 6/8/2013 5:17:47 PM
A family of mice were suddenly attacked by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped infront and said, "Bow-Wow!" The cat ran away and family was Safe. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that...
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My grandfather always said,
by dandruff at 6/6/2013 4:54:39 PM
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
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If I was on Wheel Of Fortune
by dandruff at 6/1/2013 1:29:20 AM
If I was on Wheel Of Fortune and made it to the bonus round, I'd pick a G as in gnat, a K as in knife and a P as in pneumonia, for a vowel, I'd pick an A as in aye-aye, if I had a wild card and Pat Sa...
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OK, this was a weird dream.
by dandruff at 5/31/2013 5:02:47 PM
Last night I dreamt I was on an episode of The Big Bang Theory, where I feeling tired and we we're given our sleeping arrangments which Seldon was put in charge. I went to pray but kept getting interr...
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Ha, cheese...
by dandruff at 5/30/2013 10:25:48 PM
Just put a load in the dishwasher and started it, then I saw a lot of other dishes that could've gone that were still in the sink.
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I had a huge argument
by dandruff at 5/28/2013 5:18:33 PM
I had a huge argument with the manager of my local Pappa-John's restaurant. I gave him a pizza my mind! sorry...
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There's only 1 reason
by dandruff at 5/24/2013 4:04:27 PM
There's only 1 reason we're all here tonight... Gravity, sorry.
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killer whales
by dandruff at 5/23/2013 4:18:33 PM
If killer whales sing as other whales do, do they have an orca-stra?
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I compose music in bed...
by dandruff at 5/22/2013 9:58:04 PM
I call it "sheet music", sorry...
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l like to
by dandruff at 5/22/2013 3:12:00 AM
l like to sing in the bath tub, I call it a soap opera, sorry...
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I don't mean
by dandruff at 5/21/2013 4:30:43 PM
I don't mean to get all mushy and sentimental but I've never said this to anyone before: oggie boogie ich ich, skibobble de do wap, ziggy zam zooooooooooooooo! Really, I've never said that before::ido...
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I saw a couple
by dandruff at 5/20/2013 7:51:22 PM
I saw a couple makin' out at a restaurant, looked like a couple of carp going after a piece of food! 
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The following...
by dandruff at 5/20/2013 12:33:26 PM
The following is based on a truly ridiculous story, only the names have been changed to protect the absurd. So, here I yam, at my dad's house and I gots my pit bull of course. My mom was in the bathro...
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The followiing
by dandruff at 5/19/2013 5:56:21 PM
The followiing is based on a truly rediculous story, only the names hane been changed to protect the ludicuous. So here I yam, in Ar, driving passed a corn chip manufacturing plant that ran of solor e...
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I remember when KISS took off their make up
by dandruff at 5/17/2013 10:06:41 PM
I remember when KISS took off their make up, I was shocked, it was my family...
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Last night...
by dandruff at 5/17/2013 4:39:27 PM
Last night a burgler broke into my house, all he got was practice... in reality, he'd get a couple of .38s in his chest
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ruff...
by dandruff at 5/16/2013 9:25:14 PM
[img]https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/376868_10151473611761997_2089993054_n.jpg[/img]
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Be alert!
by dandruff at 5/15/2013 12:17:20 AM
The world needs more lerts, sorry...
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I was having trouble sleeping
by dandruff at 5/14/2013 5:40:46 PM
I was having trouble sleeping, so my doctor suggested alcohol. I said "will that help me sleep"? He said "no, but you wont mind being awake."
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STAY ALERT! They walk among us...
by dandruff at 5/13/2013 8:26:50 AM
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece as well. She said...
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Mother's Day is the biggest scam...!
by dandruff at 5/12/2013 3:16:33 PM
People have been calling me "mother" all my life, where are they now? Happy Mother's Day, everyone
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Whats the difference
by dandruff at 5/11/2013 3:56:21 PM
Whats the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi Doo, sorry...
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
by dandruff at 5/9/2013 9:04:59 PM
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of wor...
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Puppy Size
by dandruff at 5/5/2013 9:05:14 PM
"She keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the woman told the volunteer. "What is it she ke...
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*New Pledge of Allegiance*
by dandruff at 5/3/2013 10:20:13 AM
(don't know or care who wrote this, I just think it's a cool poem) NEW School prayer: Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Fin...
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Son: "What are we having for dinner, mum..?"
by dandruff at 5/2/2013 8:37:13 PM
Mum: "Wookie steak, son" Son: "What's like?" Mum: "It's a little chewy". Sorry...
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yanno I got kicked outta the fourth grade?
by dandruff at 5/1/2013 4:06:08 PM
Teacher said "you've got to raise your hand to go to the bathroom", I said "no you don't, watch!"
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The cops just came by my house
by dandruff at 4/30/2013 5:03:46 PM
The cops just came by my house and said my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them that was a lie, my dog can't ride a bike.
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I just finished paying my taxes
by dandruff at 4/28/2013 5:10:21 PM
I just finished paying my taxes, now I'm income-pooped, sorry...
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A party was organised for a crowd of toad-stools...
by dandruff at 4/27/2013 2:32:10 PM
It was very crowded, but they were all happy.... There wasn't mush-room, but they didn't mind because they were all such fungi's. (I'm sorry. That last one was in spore taste)
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Several women appeared in court,
by dandruff at 4/26/2013 10:49:13 AM
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, decreed, "I'll hear the oldes...
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A vampire walks into a bar,
by dandruff at 4/25/2013 5:47:36 PM
A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here," sorry...::idontknow:...
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News is coming
by dandruff at 4/24/2013 4:43:18 PM
News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey. Police are organizing a sting operation to catch them...
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Not boasting
by dandruff at 4/23/2013 4:02:55 PM
Not boasting, but cashiers are always checking me out, sorry...
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Only a lawyer
by dandruff at 4/22/2013 3:09:50 PM
Only a lawyer can write a 20,000 page document and call it a brief
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Politics
by dandruff at 4/21/2013 4:20:51 PM
'Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"'. -Author unknown “We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.” - Will Ro...
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Do you think it's time
by dandruff at 4/20/2013 8:15:03 PM
Do you think it's time to take down the Christmas tree?
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Q:Why do people become bakers?
by dandruff at 4/19/2013 5:19:05 PM
A:Because they knead the dough! sorry...
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That Claudia Schiffer
by dandruff at 4/16/2013 2:34:34 PM
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains", sorry...
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If you get shot with a bow,
by dandruff at 4/14/2013 8:21:49 AM
If you get shot with a bow, would you have an 'arrowing experience? Could it be said that you axed for it? Of course, that's not a knife thing to say, and I don't want any quarrels with you, so I'll s...
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I've been wanting
by dandruff at 4/13/2013 2:55:33 PM
I've been wanting to buy a new World Atlas, but can't fine one anywhere. Apparently the printers are waiting to see if they need to include North Korea.
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Last night a friend asked me
by dandruff at 4/12/2013 12:01:13 PM
Last night a friend asked me "Why do you always listen to old Beatles records" I said "Its because they haven't made any new ones
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A doctor made it his regular habit
by dandruff at 4/11/2013 8:57:24 PM
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have his drink waiting at 5.03 pm. One afternoo...
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After weeks of floating adrift in a tiny boat,
by dandruff at 4/10/2013 11:29:29 AM
After weeks of floating adrift in a tiny boat, two men are forlornly watching the sea for signs of a ship. All of a sudden, a huge hand- at least 10 metres across- emerges from the water near the boat...
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The company nurse told me I was too heavy,
by dandruff at 4/9/2013 11:43:51 AM
so I applied for thick leave, sorry...
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I once knew
by dandruff at 4/8/2013 4:26:09 PM
I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas, sorry...
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Two podiatrists
by dandruff at 4/6/2013 3:48:35 PM
Two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street. They were arch enemies, sorry...
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And the pilot
by dandruff at 4/5/2013 3:29:46 PM
And the pilot who went on sick leave, because he had the flew... sorry
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Everyone knows
by dandruff at 4/4/2013 9:28:07 PM
Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words, that's because of the auction-ears. And it's still the one place where you can still get something for nodding, Though of course you do have to st...
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How do Eskimos make love?
by dandruff at 4/3/2013 9:07:57 PM
They just rub noses and the little boogers just fall out! sorry...
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When we'd go out
by dandruff at 4/3/2013 2:37:10 AM
When we'd go out my ex would order asparagus and leave the server the tips
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saw a dermatologist
by dandruff at 4/2/2013 4:39:30 PM
saw a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises, sorry...
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How do you
by dandruff at 4/1/2013 2:45:09 PM
How do you train a platoon of elite dentists in the army? You give them a drill instructor. these are getting worse...
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Wear short sleeves!
by dandruff at 3/31/2013 2:03:14 PM
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! sorry...
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So I got in an arguement
by dandruff at 3/30/2013 5:19:02 PM
So I got in an arguement with the manager of the local Sav-A-Lot and could get nowhere, so what I did was I took an empty box of Cocoa Puffs, filled it with rabbit droppings and took it to Sav-A-Lot ...
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Remember,
by dandruff at 3/29/2013 8:35:30 PM
Remember, the bigger they are, the harder they hit...
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First cat:
by dandruff at 3/29/2013 8:43:20 AM
First cat: "How did you get on in the milk-drinking competition?" Second cat: "I won by six laps." Sorry...
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I asked for a pitcher full of beer...
by dandruff at 3/28/2013 4:03:50 PM
So he brought me a drunk baseball player, sorry...
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In the winter
by dandruff at 3/27/2013 4:47:42 PM
In the winter my dog wears only his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants, sorry...
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Did you hear,
by dandruff at 3/26/2013 3:54:56 PM
Did you hear, the guy who thought up "Grey Poupon" mustard is getting a university named in his honour? It's gonna be called Poupon U, sorry...
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Did ya hear
by dandruff at 3/25/2013 8:55:42 PM
Did ya hear that the breweries are payin $5 a piece for rabbits? They need the hops, sorry...
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mah filthy sweat sock,
by dandruff at 3/25/2013 5:37:27 AM
mah filthy sweat sock, my sweaty t shirt, my pants with a nasty mud on it! I love to talk dirty, don't you?
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I'm gonna donate
by dandruff at 3/24/2013 7:50:49 PM
I'm gonna donate a bushel of apples and a case of Tab cola to the local Morman church, that way they can be the Morman Tab & Apple choir, sorry...
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Why is a teddy bear always full?
by dandruff at 3/23/2013 4:10:21 PM
Because it's stuffed, sorry...
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Helen Keller
by dandruff at 3/22/2013 8:48:54 PM
The best & most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – They must be felt with the heart. ~Helen Keller
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I went to a seafood disco last week
by dandruff at 3/21/2013 4:28:42 PM
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel, sorry...
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We bought a new microwave
by dandruff at 3/20/2013 9:19:28 PM
We bought a new microwave but I think we got ripped off. I keep pushing the popcorn button but nothing comes out.
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The psychic down the road went out of business...
by dandruff at 3/20/2013 3:24:20 PM
She should've known
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Hollywood
by dandruff at 3/19/2013 5:32:49 PM
Hollywood shoots too many films and not enough actors...
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So here I yam
by dandruff at 3/18/2013 9:54:41 PM
So here I yam, at the local Goodwill, I found the perfect pair of jeans, perfect fit, design and everything, only $3, so I bought it. It wasn't til I'd brought it home that it occured to me-these were...
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The early bird catches the worm,
by dandruff at 3/18/2013 2:40:49 PM
The early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in and settle for sausage and eggs...
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Yuh know what I can't figger out?
by dandruff at 3/17/2013 9:57:56 AM
How can they're be a movie called "The Neverending Story Part 2?" Where does it begin if the other one never ends?"
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Aw, man...
by dandruff at 3/16/2013 3:01:50 PM
[img]http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-eatdrink002.gif[/img] Aw, man, third cursor this week
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There was once a handyman
by dandruff at 3/15/2013 9:53:36 PM
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blu...
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I have flabby thighs,
by dandruff at 3/14/2013 2:30:25 PM
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I wish
by dandruff at 3/13/2013 3:18:22 PM
I wish there was a button to control the intelligence level of programs on my TV. There's one labelled "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
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The Mona Lisa
by dandruff at 3/12/2013 5:08:37 PM
The Mona Lisa was brought up in court on charges of murder, but it turned out that she'd been framed, sorry...
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Anybody else a chucklehead?
by dandruff at 3/11/2013 7:53:43 PM
Just tried to log in here with my aol password.
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I was driving
by dandruff at 3/10/2013 9:13:56 PM
I was driving through cleveland's second district the other day when I got pulled over by a cop. He asked "do you know why I pulled you over?" I said "cuz you're lonly and you've never been with a big...
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Man, what a restaurant that was!
by dandruff at 3/8/2013 9:41:19 PM
Man, what a restaurant that was! The water waiter gave us water, the butter waiter gave us butter, the head waiter gave us-that was quite a restaurant!
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Remember these two?
by dandruff at 3/8/2013 11:31:45 AM
Lou Costello: You shoud've seen me Abbot, first I said "David Copperfield", then I said "A Tale Of Two Cities", then I said "Great Expectations", then- Bud Abbot:Well, what were you doing? Lou Cos...
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I heard...
by dandruff at 3/6/2013 10:19:44 PM
I heard that Boston Market and Marathon gas have merged creating the Boston Marathon, sorry...
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I hear...
by dandruff at 3/6/2013 4:19:01 PM
I hear the Outback's gonna merge with the Roadhouse, they're gonna be called The Backroad Outhouse, sorry...
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Yanno,
by dandruff at 3/5/2013 8:29:29 PM
Yanno, I'm so careful to take the metal or tin foil off of whatevr I'm gonna put in the microwave but so careless when it comes to putting the freshly nuked food in my mouth...
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I’ve always been a student of history,
by dandruff at 3/4/2013 5:53:48 PM
I’ve always been a student of history, but I didn’t know this. CONDOM HISTORY: Interesting piece of history! In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine...
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If...
by dandruff at 3/4/2013 3:18:27 PM
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Never throw cigar butts in urinals!
by dandruff at 3/3/2013 2:14:10 PM
They get soggy and are hard to light, sorry...
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What kind of disease do parakeet's get?
by dandruff at 3/2/2013 1:55:53 PM
Chirpies, it's a canarilial disease and there's no tweetment! sorry...
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When I'm bored I like to...
by dandruff at 3/1/2013 8:21:22 PM
hang out at the local airport and stagger around with a half a fifth of vodka... ...dressed like a pilot.
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Sometimes when I'm bored,
by dandruff at 3/1/2013 12:37:32 PM
Sometimes when I'm bored, I'll make spaghetti just to PASTA time away. Now that's using my noodle. ...sorry
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Our local Catholic church
by dandruff at 2/28/2013 7:20:49 AM
Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it mass transit, sorry...
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If
by dandruff at 2/27/2013 9:49:22 PM
If I was on Wheel Of Fortune and made it to the bonus round, I pick a G as in gnat, a K as in knife and a P as in phone, for a vowel, I'd take an A as in aye aye. If Pat Sajak hasn't killed me and I h...
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if
by dandruff at 2/26/2013 3:14:18 PM
if Dracula is killed, and then brought back to life, has he been re-vamped? Sorry...
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When I was a little rat,
by dandruff at 2/25/2013 5:52:39 PM
When I was a little rat, mom couldn't afford a slip 'n slide, so she just hosed down the sidewalk and let us play. It bacame slippery after the first 4 or 5 kids! Sorry...
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When you write copy...
by dandruff at 2/25/2013 1:11:48 PM
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write ri...
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Ohio means "beautiful",
by dandruff at 2/24/2013 3:17:38 PM
Ohio means "beautiful", cleveland, evidently means "not", we've got a lake out the that looks Eerie, sorry...
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I once knew
by dandruff at 2/23/2013 8:05:41 PM
I once knew a poet who would start writing his poetry immediately when he got up in the morning. You could say that he went from bed to verse, sorry...
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skating
by dandruff at 2/22/2013 8:35:26 PM
Last time I went skating I had a little problem with my rental skates, somebody went and put wheels on 'em. You might say I skated for hours on end...
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Yanno,
by dandruff at 2/21/2013 9:32:03 PM
Yanno, people always tell me "you'll find your wife when you're not looking", when's that? What, is she gonna break in while I'm asleep?
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On a diet?
by dandruff at 2/21/2013 4:59:39 PM
Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there, sorry...
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Ever try to throw out a garbage can?
by dandruff at 2/20/2013 9:30:45 PM
They won't take it! I even put out a sign that read "please take this", they took the sign!
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The following
by dandruff at 2/20/2013 3:34:16 PM
The following is based on a truely ridiculous story, only the names have been changed to protect the absurb. So here I yam, minding my own business, when some woman was (I guess) flirting with me. I w...
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How do yuh sneak up on a celery?
by dandruff at 2/19/2013 9:24:34 PM
Yuh stalk![img]http://i.tfster.com/cache/msp163.photobucket.com/albums/t316/wistfulvista/icons/laughing-smiley-007.gif[/img]
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Had...
by dandruff at 2/16/2013 8:24:15 PM
Yoko Ono married Don Ho she'd be Yo Ho? Has she married Sonny Bono she'd be Yoko Ono-Bono? Had she had married Apolo Ohno she'd be Yoko Ono-Ohno? Had she married Yoko Zuna she'd be Yoko Yoko Ono-Zuna?...
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Look, it's Spring...!
by dandruff at 3/19/2012 11:29:35 PM
[img]http://i.tfster.com/i45/5/3/20/tfs_46c38491faf8.jpg[/img]
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?2B or not 2B,
by dandruff at 3/19/2012 6:59:27 PM
which is my apartment? -Shakespeare when he was drunk! sorry...
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If Snoop Doggy Dogg
by dandruff at 3/18/2012 9:32:11 AM
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, would he be Snoop Doggie Dogg-Pooh?
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Some people tell all they know...
by dandruff at 3/17/2012 11:29:23 AM
others a great deal more
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I haven't slept for ten days,
by dandruff at 3/17/2012 12:38:30 AM
because that would be too long. -Mitch Hedberg
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I heard
by dandruff at 3/15/2012 2:39:45 PM
I heard if yuh lick a certain type of frog you'll get high. I think if you lick a frog you're high enough
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What do you get
by dandruff at 3/14/2012 6:37:18 PM
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi!
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A severed foot
by dandruff at 3/14/2012 11:08:23 AM
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. -Mitch Hedberg
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We painted our floor with luminous paint.
by dandruff at 3/13/2012 3:12:29 PM
So now the florescent what it used to be. No?
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Is a hippopotamus
by dandruff at 3/13/2012 6:25:37 AM
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? -Mitch Hedberg
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*Investment opportunity*
by dandruff at 3/12/2012 12:49:14 PM
Gonna feed my sheep a high iron diet and make a killing on steel wool! Who's in...?[img]http://bestsmileys.com/thumbs/7.gif[/img]
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A man was charged
by dandruff at 3/11/2012 6:36:00 PM
A man was charged with stealing ducks from a local pond in a small English village. When in court, the judge asked how he pleaded. He replied 'Not guilty Mallard'! Yeah, that was bad...
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