After everyone is gone

8/20/2008 10:05:43 AM	After everyone is gone
mystic_heart Stateline, NV age: 55	Hi All, I am not sure if this has been brought up before, and but I would like to know if others have felt the same way. It has been 14 months since I lost my husband to cancer. I have not dated and pretty much spend most of my time with my dog and in my home after work. I do go and see my parents as often as I can, but they live in another state. The thing is that when I go there or when someone comes and visits me, I enjoy the visit, but it is like I can't wait to be alone once again, and when I am alone it is like missing my husband all over. Then the tears come. I get the same feelings when I go out with friends and then I come home. When do these feelings leave????? Please don't get me wrong, I am not lonely. I talked to my ex-husband last month and he said he was lonely, (he hasn't remarried), I told him I am alone, but not lonely, I really don't mind living alone, I have things that keep me busy. But I also know it would be nice to have someone to do things with, you know like dining out, going to concerts, things like that. I have started realizing that there are a lot of places that one can go alone and it is fine. I know my husband would not want me to be alone for the rest of my life as he loved me more than life itself and the love we shared was something I never thought I would find, it felt like a once in a lifetime deal. There are times when I think it is time to get back out in the world, but as others have stated that when they do start dating they feel like they are cheating on their departed spouse. I have read the forums here and there has been a lot of good advice given by people who have gone though the same feelings as I have, but I have not seen about the feelings I stated above. So please any thoughts would be welcomed... And one other thing??? Why can't they make stuff for one person? Like bread and such...
8/21/2008 10:40:57 AM	After everyone is gone
jazzmin1951 Kansas City, MO age: 57	14 months is not nearly long enough to expect not to have these feelings that I believe are VERY normal ! And..no one grieves the same...so it's difficult to actually put a time on it. I went through very much the same thing...being "alone" gave me the privacy to grieve however the heck I wanted too...whether it be crying...or kicking the door frame to my bathroom door in the middle of a panic attack..and breaking my TOE in the process !!! I actually craved my 'alone' time...I guess that's why I looked so okay on the outside to those around me. I even got in my car and drove from Kansas City to the Colorado border eating powdered sugar donuts...drinking COKE and crying almost all of the way !!! Turned around the next morning and came back!!! After talking to other recent widowed individuals...I came to realize I really wasn't crazy...that they had done some pretty strange things as well. I too had things that kept me busy...but I still needed those times to get angry...cry...scream (without being heard)...or whatever it was I felt would just ...make it better !!! All of the nutty things I did...were done within the first 24 months after he died...and then it was like I walked out of a fog. [Edited 8/21/2008 10:41:25 AM]
8/21/2008 1:08:22 PM	After everyone is gone
mystic_heart Stateline, NV age: 55	Thank you so much for your reply, I guess everyone does things different and it brings me comfort to know that what I do is okay and I am not going crazy. But one thing you said is so true, that those around me really don't know what I feel, but that is okay. And I know I will be okay also, and really don't expect to put a time frame on anything. I just take one day at a time. I haven't broken my toes yet... but I thought I had broken my hand and for the same reasons as you. Thank God that I have my dog to keep me busy also. Anyway thank you once again. D
9/1/2008 9:46:00 PM	After everyone is gone
harleygrammy Glendale, AZ age: 54	Hi I also lost my husband,but 18 months ago to cancer. We were married for 32 years. All I do is work, play with my dogs, and see my daughter and her family as often as I can. I love spending time with my grand kids but sometimes you need some adult conversation. I ride my harley for therapy but it just doesn't seem the same with out my riding partner. Every where I go, we had been there before together. It is so difficult but one good thing I realized is that I am finally getting to know ME! My whole life revolved around taking care of the house and kids and my husband. Not complaining because that was the life I chose. I did not choose to be alone at 54 years old and didn't know how to be alone. But I learned how to use power tools for home repairs and even maintain the pool and my harley. I don't like it but I do it because I found out people tend to more take advantage of a widow than help. So I got to know me and as much as I think I would like to be with another man, when the opportunity comes up I am just not interested. How messed up is that?
9/2/2008 9:37:18 AM	After everyone is gone
luckylouie42 Cedar Grove, WV age: 66 online now!	dear mystic heart; My wife died 15 yrs ago. and i went thru the same feelings as you, guilt, hurrying back home, and no one there. It finally set in on me that there was no point in hurrying back home, because no one is there, I did not change a thing in my wifes room, or put her clothes away for 6 mo. And when i finally done those things, I got to where i could deal with her death better. and come to realize that she was never coming back. and i started dating a few times, some were disasters, some were ok, and some were good. But I think you have to make a real effort to go on. Not forget your husband, but learn to live with him being gone forever. No one can replace your husband, no person can be replaced, because we are all diff. I dated people who were a lot diff. than my wife. and looked diff., i was not looking for another one like her. I think that would be too spooky. and just keep bringing up old memories. I am not an expert on this subject, but I have survived for 15 yrs. just try to find someone you like, and that is friendly to you. good luck leo aka Luckylouie42
9/2/2008 12:51:11 PM	After everyone is gone
newlady2 Goldsboro, NC age: 71 online now!	Mystic, all you are going through - I think we have all been there done that.I used to feel guilty if I even laughed at a TV show!! I had to get over that. Going shopping for groceries , then I would hurry , rush home to an empty house!!.. Friends in real time tease me, asking why I dont have a boy friend .Well the answer is simple really.. I don't know how to start a conversation going with a man.. I really dont!!By that I mean, I can't play games. I am just me..Mine Died almost four years ago on New years day! I told myself last NY "this year is my turn to start living" I stopped thinking of him so much and more of myself... Yes I still ponder now and then, but my life must go on, and I help others so that helps me too. Take care..Dont rush!
9/2/2008 5:27:23 PM	After everyone is gone
3crosses El Paso, TX age: 51	Harleygrammy and mysticheart-I know exactly what you all are going thru. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago. I (like you all) go to work (which is the only thing that keeps me sane) come home to an empty house (except for my little dogs). I do not live in the same town as my family and I haven't many friends here...yet. I'm doing ok, except for the weekends and holidays. Even tho I long for someone to just be there, I expect my solitude. I have tried to do the things that need to be done and just keep going. Thats all I can do right now. I know I will move to another place next year, but right now, I feel safe right here. Its harder than anything I have ever done in my life, but I know what he would want for me. Just to be happy-however that may turn out. I have a motto I think about when I get down: I may not have gotten to live with my true love for the rest of MY life-but he lived with HIS true love for the rest of his life" I know he loved me until the day he died. Blessings to you both. "A Soldier's Mom" (I have a son deployed)
9/2/2008 8:54:05 PM	After everyone is gone
mystic_heart Stateline, NV age: 55	Thank you so much for all of your replies and kind words. That is why I like this forum, There are people who understand and give each other support. I am starting to get out, just haven't dated yet. I think I am at that place where it would be nice to have someone to do things with. I just don't want to find someone that can not understand what it is to lose someone. As long as they do not expect me to forget, things will be great. I know I will never replace my husband, but I do know that there are some wonderful men out there, and I think of my life now as starting a new chapter, who knows maybe someday I will find another special person. But if I don't that is okay to. I know I will survive and I know that I will always have set backs. But that is okay, maybe it is whats making me stronger. But I still just take one day at a time. Thanks again to all, I wish each of you luck in finding what you want in life. 3crosses...my heart goes out to you and I wish your son a safe return. My son went to Iraq and I was blessed that he returned in one peace. My prayers are with you and to all that are serving our country. [Edited 9/2/2008 8:55:55 PM]
9/3/2008 1:51:56 PM	After everyone is gone
travelpal Arlington, VA age: 62	Dear Mystic - I have been where you are and at times I feel like I am right back at the beginning. I lost my husband of 41 years two years ago and at times the wound is so fresh and new that my heart hurts all over again. I feel as if I have come out of the fog and I am adjusting to the new me but I very much want the old happy me back again. I often wonder if I will ever find the person I hope to spend the rest of my life with but right now I am not sure and I am not sure that it really matters. I am beginning to concentrate on healing me before I worry about finding a companion. You are on no timetable to get through or get better and I too felt like I have been in a fog since his death, at time the sun breaks through but then the clouds come back again. I've adjusted to living alone but I hate the empty house when I come home at night. What I would give for that hug at the door in the evening just one more time! Eveyone tells me it takes time but no one can tell me how much time. In the meantime I keep myself busy, still working a full time job and busying myself with the house, yard and friends. I don't mean to ramble but there are no rules for getting over the loss of a loved one, it is a journey we all must make for ourselves. I think this website is a great place to meet friends and express yourself. I hope I have been helpful to you and reassured you that you are not alone and we are all here for you. I agree that the stores need to package for 1 person I am confident that there are a lot of us out there. I have found Trader Joe's to be very helpful in shopping for one. [Edited 9/3/2008 1:52:33 PM]
9/3/2008 9:18:44 PM	After everyone is gone
mystic_heart Stateline, NV age: 55	Dear Travelpal. Thank you so much for you kind words. I could not imagine losing someone after 41 years, and how rough it must of and is for you. My heart goes out to you. My husband and I were only together for 5 1/2 years, married for 4 of them. But so much of our time was spent together, we even worked at the same place, where when you saw one of us the other was near by and it was like I never was really happy until I met him. Like two peas in a pot as the saying goes. I didn't even like to spend that much time with my ex. I do have more days that are good then bad, but it is strange how sometimes something will just set me off and the tears will come. I have been told by so many others that things like that will happen, and it is okay to have those feeling. But I do think of the great life we had and I can smile at the memories we made. And memories are something that can never be taken away from any of us. As you said there are a lot of great people here that knows just what many of us feel and have felt, so it helps sometimes to chat and to read about it. And the wonderful replies are a great comfort, to have a feeling that I am not alone is beyond what any words can say. Thank you so much. And also thank you about the info on Trader Joe's. There is one not to far from me, I will have to check it out. D
9/18/2008 4:36:44 AM	After everyone is gone
daylily09 Springtown, TX age: 60	Hi Mystic Heart My husband died 09/20/03 We were married almost 19 years We had both been married 2 times before I believe what they say about "3rd times the charm" because he was my true soul mate The one God meant for me to be with for whatever time we had We had both passed that childhood stage of fighting and yelling and all that stupid stuff He was not a doctor going man but, my sister and I convinced him to go because he had some things that did not look good on his arms with blood work they found he had diabetes. Anyway, he wound up having 2 major stokes that partially paralyzed him. When he died, my sister was there with me and his sister and brother-in-law, all at my house and friends kept coming over. I had been at the hospital from the day we took him in until the day he died. My sister and the others would go home and come back, but I never left him. After he died I went home just wanting to get a shirt of his that was on the back of a chair and hold it and lay down. But, the shirt was gone. My sister-in-law had washed it! Now my real mind would have be glad things were neat and clean, but the me that came home from that hospital did not have a real mind. I screamed at her, threw a fit and went to the room slamming the door when I got there. The next several days were hell because people came coming to the house, we had the memorial, and people still kept coming. I wanted everybody to go--including my beloved sister and sister-in-law and brother-in-law. I just wanted everyone gone. Finally after about 8 days, my sis, said she was going to leave and that maybe sis-in-law would take the hint. 2 more days went by and they got up saying they had to get back home. I was never so happy as I was right at that moment. I felt mean, and I felt guilty, but so very relieved. It has been 5 years ago this coming Saturday, and I still just want to be alone sometimes. I moved further north to where my sister lives and I have yet to get out and go to any functions except the ones I was forced to attend because of my business. I still cry some days. I miss him so very much. We were so close we knew what each other was going to say before they said it. I hate being alone now, but, I still feel guilty sometimes when I think about getting back out there. 14 months is such a very short time seems to me to think you should be expecting things to be back to normal. Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. Take your time Sweetie and let your heart guide you. You will know when it is time for you to begin moving on. As far as making stuff for one---it would probably not be profitable for them--and you know it is all about profit. However, I have noticed they have started coming out with a few things like Hamburger Helpers! LOL
9/19/2008 7:33:34 AM	After everyone is gone
maur9100 Worcester, MA age: 60	Hi everyone,alot of good comments about starting over.It's not easy at all.I lost my wife 5 years ago,i still love her and always will.we were together for 30 years,so she will always be in my heart and mind.We all deal with it in different ways i guess.We just have to figiure out the best way to deal with it.I am dating now and have met some very nice ladies.I have no intention of ever getting married again.I have found that i like my private time at home now,i look forward to it,sound kinda crazy i guess.I guess we juat have to make up our mind and say it's time to move on,that what i did and it has worked out well for me.it takes time, and they say it's gets better with time.I have found it does to a certain point.I know i will be with my wife again some day,but right now it's my time and i have to move on where ever it may take me,only time will tell.i wish you well and hope you choose to move on with your life.hugs to all that posted. Mauirce
9/25/2008 9:10:30 PM	After everyone is gone
mystic_heart Stateline, NV age: 55	This is to all of you who answered this post for all of your kind words and your thoughts on this post. I am so glad that even though this is a dating site that we have forums for people who have lost someone. I think we help each other through our difficult times. Thanks again Mystic [Edited 9/25/2008 9:10:46 PM]

do any hookup sites work

megapersonal com login