Joke of the day

6/4/2010 4:52:43 PM	Joke of the day
dpd1998 Elyria, OH age: 53	The Bridge A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
6/7/2010 5:46:03 PM	Joke of the day
papylindo2 Cincinnati, OH age: 33	well i dont like golf but i like you lets f,,,,
6/7/2010 6:01:49 PM	Joke of the day
nobs4u Mansfield, OH age: 49	A couple are telling their single friend about their new sex therapist,Dr.Wong.She tells them she has not had sex in more than 5 years.They highly reccommend the Dr.but say "He IS oriental,and his methods MAY seem strange,but the results are excellent." The single friend goes to see the doc,he tells her to strip,and get on the floor on her hands and knees,she does,the doc says to her"now,you craw acwoss the floor away from me,now you turn and craw acwoss the floor facing me"She does and Dr. Wong says "oh,bad,very bad,you have Ed Zachary disease""Ed Zachary disease"!?!?she cries,"what is it and can it be cured""Do not know of cure,you see,you face look ed zachary like-a you ass"
6/7/2010 11:48:43 PM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49
6/9/2010 8:04:48 AM	Joke of the day
cookinwho Shelley, ID age: 47	Hey y'all . . . Heard ya missed me!! Yea, like the plague . . . Dear Lord, So far today I’m doing all right, I’ve not gossiped, lost my temper, Been greedy, grumpy, nasty, self indulgent. I haven’t whinged, cursed or eaten any chocolate. However, I’m going to get out of bed in a few Minutes, And I will need a lot of help after that. Amen
6/9/2010 9:22:24 AM	Joke of the day
lilgrimmy Zanesville, OH age: 20	a man asked his wife to go to the store to get him some smokes.she comes back with bugalar an says here roll your own.well a week goes by and the woman asked her husband to go to the store and get her some tampons.he comes back with cotton ball and super glue and says now you can roll your own. [Edited 6/9/2010 9:22:58 AM ]
6/9/2010 9:47:09 PM	Joke of the day
derby420 West College Corner, IN age: 43	Before: MENtal Illness,MENstrual Cramps,MENtal Breakdown,MENopause,GUYnecologist, and when a Women has Real Problems,It's a HIStorectomy! Ever Notice how ALL of Womens Problems Start With MEN. BEHIND EVERY B*TCH THERES A MAN THAT MADE HER THAT WAY!! WOMEN has MAN in it. ....MRS. has MR. in it...FEMALE has MALE in it...SHE has HE in it.No Wonder Men Always Want to be Inside Women! Men Were Born Between the Legs of a Women, and Yet Men Spend Their Whole Lifes TRYING to get Back Beween the Legs of a Women. WHY???? BECAUSES THERES IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!! [Edited 6/9/2010 9:48:00 PM ]
6/9/2010 10:09:13 PM	Joke of the day
hellokitty701 Lorain, OH age: 40
6/10/2010 12:51:37 AM	Joke of the day
chaotica Newbury, OH age: 45	apparently we're not in Kansas anymore
6/10/2010 4:01:39 PM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49	This is what happens when BP spills coffee
6/10/2010 6:00:06 PM	Joke of the day
smilingbob63 Barberton, OH age: 46	oooooooooookkayyyy here we go A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,when a little girl on her new shiney bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike" the cop said."Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes sir", the little girl said,"he sure did!"The cop looked the bike over and handed the little girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,"Give this to your dad,and next year,tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!"The young girl looked up at the cop and said,"Nice horse you have there did Santa bring it to you?" Playing along with the little girl,he chuckled and answered,"Yes, he sure did!"The little girl looked up at the cop and said:""Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top!"
6/10/2010 6:03:39 PM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	ahh come on...not a little girl...geez
6/11/2010 1:23:08 PM	Joke of the day
derby420 West College Corner, IN age: 43	A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. ... See More 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'
6/27/2010 8:32:27 AM	Joke of the day
nobs4u Mansfield, OH age: 49	A young man is walking down the street,trailing a length of chicken wire.Old man on rocker on porch says"What ya got there boy?"Boy says,"Chicken wire,gonna catch some chickens!"Old man says,"You dont CATCH chickens with chicken wire,ya put 'em in it AFTER ya catch 'em"Shakes his head laughing.Coupla hours later the boy comes by dragging the chicken wire with about 10 chickens wrapped up in it.The old fella gawks but says nothing. Next day the boy is walking by with a roll of duct tape,old man says"What ya got there boy?" Boy says"Duck tape ,gonna catch me some ducks."Old man says"It aint "duck"tape ,it's DUCT tape,and ya cant catch ducks with it no how!"Coupla hours later the boy walks by again with 7or 8 ducks wrapped up in his tape.The old feller gawks,says nothing. The next day the boy has something in his hand the old fella cant quite see,he says"What ya got there today,boy?"The boy says"Some p*ssy willow branches"The old fella thinks for a second and says"Wait up!Let me get my hat!"...
6/27/2010 2:14:47 PM	Joke of the day
widow_hatingit Eastlake, OH age: 61	Power of the Badge DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE"
6/28/2010 12:25:35 PM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." "What are the three tests?" asks the man "Gotta pay first." So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar. "OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." "Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!" The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs. He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. "NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?" [Edited 6/28/2010 12:26:05 PM ]
7/1/2010 9:20:20 PM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49	- It's n0t what y0u think
7/5/2010 9:51:11 AM	Joke of the day
nobs4u Mansfield, OH age: 49	Ok,this is REALLY old ,but,I think it's hilarious,(I know,ONLY ME!);What is better than roses on your piano? Tulips on yer organ! Ahhh,ha,ha,ha!I love it!
7/5/2010 1:48:28 PM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	....yea only you nobs
7/5/2010 7:42:51 PM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49	If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!!! - -
7/5/2010 7:48:55 PM	Joke of the day
nobs4u Mansfield, OH age: 49	I like that Phina(Yer good people ,too!)
7/5/2010 8:47:36 PM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	May I have your attention please...Phina has lost her zeros..I repeat, Phina has lost her zeros
7/5/2010 9:22:27 PM	Joke of the day
redford2go Canal Fulton, OH age: 65
7/5/2010 9:36:11 PM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	Well I thought it was a pretty important fact
7/6/2010 4:21:50 AM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49	Quote from musclecarmania: May I have your attention please...Phina has lost her zeros..I repeat, Phina has lost her zeros - I wish - I used a pen p0int in the keyb0ard f0r that 0ne (t00 much w0rk) 0h . . . and atleast I haven't l0st my marbles, well atleast n0t all the time -
7/6/2010 5:12:43 AM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49	- - Tiger has t0 pay plenty f0r his div0rce ! Guess the game 0f g0lf "sp0ns0rs" aren't the 0nly 0ne's that kn0w . . . when they play y0u pay ! HA HA HA HA HA - G0 ELAN !
7/6/2010 6:16:54 AM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	Quote from phina1: - I wish - I used a pen p0int in the keyb0ard f0r that 0ne (t00 much w0rk) 0h . . . and atleast I haven't l0st my marbles, well atleast n0t all the time - Now that there was just mean
7/10/2010 5:42:12 AM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49	- - True st0ry . . . n0t sure why this mem0ry just flashed acr0ss my mind, but it had me laughing all 0ver again. F0r a number 0f years in the mid 90's - I w0rked f0r what they called at the time, 0ne 0f the t0p five acc0unting firms. M0st empl0yees were stuffy/sn0bby/kn0w it all's wh0 I t0 j0ke with t0 see their "real" side - t0 ease it up a bit I just had t0 - - the stress was killing me ! #1 - After a "b0wling f0r $$$" benefit f0r a cause the team went t0 celebrate at 0ne 0f the acc0unting firms partners h0mes. While chatting with the int0xicated partner I c0uldn't help but say: Phil, were the sh0es y0u traded t0day f0r the b0wling sh0es y0ur currently wearing/t00k h0me y0ur s0uvenir f0r the day ? After stating it in a t0tally c0mp0sed state, I s0 hard I was crying. He 0f c0urse, but sw0re me t0 secrecy that I w0uldn't tell ANY0NE ! [Edited 7/10/2010 5:51:00 AM ]
7/11/2010 7:27:56 AM	Joke of the day
lucas510 Wadsworth, OH age: 26
7/11/2010 11:35:34 AM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules" (thought this really showed our differences, men and women) Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. [Edited 7/11/2010 11:36:54 AM ]
7/12/2010 6:53:07 AM	Joke of the day
laighsalot Independence, KY age: 48	A man is late for work and speeding down the road. When he comes to a bridge. Speeding across the bridge he notices a cop with a radar gun. The cop pulls him over and says where you going in such a hurry. The man replies: " too work". What do you do asks the cop. The man says I'm a rectum stretcher. Whats that the cop asks. Well I stick two fingers in a rectum and stretch it out to six feet. Six feet, What the hell do you do with a six foot a**hole. The man replies, " put him at the end of a bridge with a radar gun.
7/12/2010 8:20:51 PM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	How do you get holy water?? You boil the hell out of it!!
7/13/2010 9:10:39 PM	Joke of the day
nobs4u Mansfield, OH age: 49	A rabbi decides to visit the world ,so off he goes on his excursion.He visits some REMOTE places and one in particular was,well,particular,to say the least.It was a little village,surrounded by mountains,inhabited by a small tribe of people,and I mean small,3 foot tall was the tallest amongst them,they called themselves TRIDS.He was quite fascinated with them,and they him.One fine day he noticed a group of Trids climbing the hillside,when a giant appeared and promptly kicked them all back down!This infuriated the rabbi and he asked the Trids about it and they said"Oh,the giant does that ALL the time."The next day ,again, a group of Trids attempted to climb the hillside when the giant appeared and kicked them all back down it!The rabbi just happened to be with them at the time and said to the giant(who wasnt THAT much bigger than the rabbi)"Hey!You!Giant!Why dont you pick on someone your own size?Why dont you kick ME!?!"the giant says...(ya ready for this?....ya sure?...last chance to move on....dont say I didnt warn ya!) anyway, the giant says to the rabbi,"HA!Silly rabbi,kicks are for Trids!".....sorry,sorry,I couldnt help myself....
7/14/2010 12:13:06 AM	Joke of the day
phina1 Walton, KY age: 49
7/14/2010 8:14:06 AM	Joke of the day
musclecarmania Franklin, OH age: 51	Phina, the dog shopping was soooooo cute!!

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