Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.

3/11/2008 5:20:51 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
wonderfull5357 Johnstown, PA age: 48	I have a 16 yr old, all A student. She wanted to go to Germany to visit friend. I caught her lying I told her no,if I can't trust her here, I won't be able to trust her there. Plus the idea of a 16 yr old girl traveling to Germany by herself, gives me chills. She in turn said she can't stand me, wanted to move in with her father, or alcoholic brother. After much insults to me, we talked. She said she just wanted to hurt me. She WON, begin time on that one. I begged her not to move, I need her, and love her so very much. She now says she wants to live with me. I admit I spend quite a bit of money and time on her. Love her dearly, maybe overtly. (Single parent, last child at home). Today I went through her bookbag and found notes where she was saying goodbye to her friends, and leaving her money to another friend. Not sure if these were suppose to be sucide notes, or just good bye notes to friends if she was going to move. I really feel she has absolute control of me now. A friend told me she just wrote those notes because she was mad.Not sure how to handle all of the drama. Please give me your opnion. I am at the point that if I correct her, she might leave, or do something dumb. I have strongly suggested therapy, NO WAY!!!! Thank you in advance. WALKING ON EGG SHELLS
3/11/2008 8:44:26 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
lazarous67 San Jacinto, CA age: 41	1st mistake was to let her think that it would be ok for her to go to germany alone. i wouldnt even let my son go alone. 2nd. when she said she wanted to go live with her father, you should have said fine go, but under no sercumstances should she be allowed at an alcoholics house brother or not. it wouldnt take her long to realize that her father was either too easy going, or way too hard to live with. if your situation is a good one with a couple of bumps now and then she will realize this and come home. about the notes, that really hard to say without reading them for myself, but if i had to venture a guess, i would say that unless she is a manic depressive, that she is trying to pull your strings, do not fall for it. now ask yourself some tough questions, how good of a parent are you really? do you let your daughter get her way more often then not? is she doing drugs, or drinking with her friends? do you hold her accountable for her actions? she may be an a student, but do you praise her for doing so good? these are not questions to which you need to answer me, ask them of yourself. do not lie to yourself because it could possibly mean your daughters life.
3/12/2008 11:26:56 AM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
wonderfull5357 Johnstown, PA age: 48	Hello, Thank you for caring, and taking your time to answer my question. You have asked some in depth questions that has made me dig deep within myself. I do feel I am a very involved, loving Mom. Oh no, here comes the however; I am lax on her rules, and the boundaries I set. She is a great person, "A" student, very caring. She has changed drastically since turning 16. I have asked my friends, and family their opinions on my parenting skills. Census says, I give in to my daughter, because I feel guilty that her father, and brother has not much to do with us. I also; will be alone when she graduates high school next year and goes to college. I know I will handle this. But, other mothers have told me how very painful it is. I do keep busy with friends, work, gym and my daughter now. I guess within me, I will feel unlovable living alone. I am not saying this is right, I am saying this is gut level honest. I do want my daughter to succeed, and open her wings and fly. This is the reason that I am reaching out to other parent's and asking for their experiences. Thank you again, Jean
3/12/2008 3:48:50 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
katiescarlett72 Dallas, TX age: 35	I can totally relate to this. My daughter is in 8th grade. Throughout her 7th grade year, living with me, she would constantly threaten to move to her dad's house when she didn't like the rules at mine. I hated the idea because like you, I couldn't imagine my house or daily life without her in them. We rocked on that way for months and it was awful. Finally in August last year, she said it one too many times and I had had it with being emotionally blackmailed. I picked up the phone, called her dad and told him to come get her. We had already told her that if she did move, it would be at minimum for the entire school year; we were not going to install revolving doors so she could go back and forth whenever things got too tough where she was. I felt a horrible sense of loss and grief after she left. I felt like I'd failed as a mother, that she liked her dad better, etc. Then one day I came home from work and realized that the peace and quiet in my house was kind of nice. I got to spend time with just my sons, and that was fun too. For the first time in years, I had time to myself, because my daughter had been a black hole that ate up all my time, energy, money, emotions, for so long. I hadn't even realized it while it was going on. It took exactly five weeks for her to declare that she'd made a horrible mistake and HAD to come back home, but we've stuck to our guns and made her finish out the school year at her dad's. It's given me time to step back and regain some equilibrium in my relationship with her, and some balance in my life as a whole. It sounds to me like you have the tail wagging the dog, and you're going to have to correct that. You can't let a 16 year old run the show. I can't tell you that it will be fun, because it won't. It's going to be insanely painful and hard. But IMO, you really have to let go of your need to keep her happy, close by and liking you, and draw a line in the sand. If that means letting her go live with her dad for a semester or a year, then that may be what you have to do. It may mean actually throwing her out if she won't adhere to your rules. I wouldn't "strongly suggest" therapy, I would tell her to get in the car or start packing. It sucks. There's nothing on earth more hurtful than having your child look at you like you are their worst enemy. But you as the adult know that you have to be her parent first and her friend second. [Edited 3/12/2008 3:50:39 PM]
3/12/2008 5:25:58 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
rosebud8992 Roanoke Rapids, NC age: 42	WOW!!I can totally relate. I have at 19 year old and a 15 year old and both know more than I as all teenagers do. About 4 years ago my oldest threaten me with moving to her dads so I packed her clothes for her and sent her on her way, shedded crocodile tears for 3 days before she called and wanted to come home, from that day to present she has never threaten me with "DAD". Sometimes we just have to let them go and find out for themselves that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
3/13/2008 1:56:51 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
stormygrl Longmont, CO age: 41	I could only wish her Dad was a part of her life........there are times when I would love to send her to live with him or at least go visit him. I'm learning that you have to be consistent with everything you do and say or it will come back and bite you hard in the ass. Yeah like Katie said if she wants to go live with her Dad then let her but make it be for a set amount of time...no back and forth every week stuff. My daughter will be 13 at the end of April so I'm sure that I have much fun to look forward to. They grow up so much faster than I did.....it's such a tough job. God Bless us all.
3/13/2008 4:23:09 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
kathy5311 Jackson, GA age: 39	Wonderful, The best advise I can give to you is to tell you to remember that you know your daughter better than anyone else. My oldest son and I went through some really tough stuff that I (or he) would never wish on another teenager and parent. It was four years of pure HELL! One of the hardest things for me to deal with during that time was that everyone else seemed to think that they would know exactly what to do in our situation. And 9 times out of 10, whatever it is that they would have done, was NOT what I was doing to handle the situation. Remember, YOU are her mother - no one else.... trust yourself to know what's best for her. If YOU think that she's too young to make the trip to Germany, then case closed, she's too young. If YOU think she's suicidal, then treat her as if she were, seek couseling ASAP.... if YOU think she's just trying to get your attention... then give her the attention that she NEEDS... (which is different from attention she wants). If you do seek counseling, make sure that the counselor is qualified to treat your daughter. The wrong counselor can do more damage than you may be prepared to deal with. When things were at their absolute worst in our home, I continued to see something deep inside my son that was very honorable and full of integrity. No one else saw that. Only me. I stayed stressed. I was disapointed in his behavior more often than not.. but I was there, by his side, helping him put himself back together... encouraging him... helping him figure out a "Plan B". I pray that I never have to go through anything like that ever again, but if I do.... I'd do things exactly the same. That doesn't mean that my method would be right for everyone.... it was just the right method for me and my son. Anyway, bottom line..... You're the mother.... not her... not anyone else. I don't know if you're a Christian or not... but I am... and I believe that God gave me each of my children because I was the absolute best choice for a mother for my children. (Sometimes I really suck at the whole parenting thing, so I think my kids would REALLY be screwed up if they weren't with me... 'cause you know, I'm the best!) I have a three good parenting books to suggest to you, "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" by Jim Fay. "The Strong Willed Child" and "Parenting Isn't for Cowards" both by James C. Dobson. My favorite is "Parenting Isn't for Cowards." These books helped me learn to be a strong parent who does not have to "walk on egg shells." Feel free to email me. I've been there.... egg shells and all! Kathy
3/14/2008 11:20:23 AM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
foxy_woman_49 Omaha, NE age: 49	Its so hard ..breaks our hearts.. My oldest son pulled a lot to and went to live with his father for just a school year. He's been in major trouble ever since. Youre damned if you do and damned if you dont.
3/15/2008 7:10:29 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
wonderfull5357 Johnstown, PA age: 48	Hi, I read your letter twice, slowly. It really hit home when I read about trying to make her my friend. BINGO That is exactly what I am doing. Trying to keep her near, liking me, and being friends.I really will concentrate on this bit of wisdom. Thank you for your great letter, and your care. Jean
3/15/2008 7:13:08 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
wonderfull5357 Johnstown, PA age: 48	HI, As I work on my boundaries with my daughter, I will keep your letter and experience in mind. I will need to start with small steps, and progress to the point she needs me to be. Thank you Jean
3/15/2008 7:16:54 PM	Need help dealing with raising my teen daughter, please help.
wonderfull5357 Johnstown, PA age: 48	Thank you for replying to my post. Yes, they do grow up quickly. I know I did not treat, or speak to my parents as so many of the teens do today. I do believe, my quilt, and giving into my daughter's whims enticed the situation. I need to make her my daughter again, and not my friend. Thanks, Jean

mega personsls

mega personal meet now