How do I explain this?

3/13/2008 8:07:16 PM	How do I explain this?
asl_1965 Frederick, MD age: 42	Tonight my daugther who is 9 called me in tears and was hysterical. She doesn't understand why her mom and I have separated and getting divorced. She no longer wants to live with her mom even though we agreed to that in custody hearings. She wants me to go to the judge and ask him if she could come live with me. My daughter is my life, and it just rips my heart out every time she calls me and tells me that she is just totally miserable without the ability to see me every day. This damn divorce is hurting me more with losing my kids that the damn Ex....I couldn't care less if she (the Ex) was hit by a train or a bus. But I miss my kids so much, and they just don't know or understand why I am no longer there. How do I explain to my daughter that it wasn't my idea or intention to leave, have her mother move her new boyfriend in, and basically abandon the family?? this is killing me.
3/13/2008 9:45:28 PM	How do I explain this?
mosplace Boulder City, NV age: 46	divorce is always hardest on the kids. When she turns 13 she can go to court and tell the judge she wants to live with you until then just keep reassuring her that she can call anytime she wants and that you will always be there for her. At her young age "daddys girl" can not understand what is going on. Most important do not make mommy look bad just dont talk about her unless your daughter brings it up, DO, however try to find out why she hates living with mom so badly. For more time with them My ex set up counsling during the week it helped in that the kids got help understanding and he got to see them more!!!!!
3/14/2008 7:37:52 AM	How do I explain this?
whalemstr Corning, CA age: 50	It's extremely hard on the kids. Mine get tears every Monday when I drop them off at school. They hate the snake she married - they know he was the cause of the divorce. Only thing you can do now is make sure you are there when they need you and there when you have them. If anyone had ever made my children cry as much as she has - I would have beat the living chit out of them - but you can't do that to thier mother. I went through the same thing with the courts. The kids even went in and told them they wanted to live with me. The LADY doing the interviews said it was obvious that I had coached them!!!! Lying beeotch! I always told my children to tell the truth and to say what you want! Nothing else! Made damn sure I did not influence them. They told what they wanted and told the truth and still because she is a woman she got them during the week. She finally after two years decided she wanted to have them on a weekend so the day before Christmas I get a letter from the courts! I beat her lawyer 4 times in court!! lol - Cost her a ton of money and me nothing! My kids are having to deal with watching mom sell the property that gramma and grampa had told everyone - it was going to be the kids when they were gone. Well, they are gone and she is selling the place! Do your best to be happy and daddy when you have yours! I am with mine 24/7 every single day I have them. Including when it used to be three weeks on and one off during the summers. During her one week - she would pawn them off on everyone else she could find! I'm disabled and still managed to spend all the weeks with my kids - except once in a blue moon when I felt really, really bad. Sucks, I know, but you can do it - lot's of us are and have made it - remember your children come first! Lot's of hugs and kisses! Don't forget - they help a ton! Good luck, dan
3/14/2008 8:27:57 AM	How do I explain this?
ladynwaiting_47 Philadelphia, PA age: 47	I would like to second what's been said here. I work with children and can tell you honestly that they understand way more than you think, so always be honest but respectful. Find a way to state the problems in a nonaccusatory way. The children are not part of the conflict and shouldn't be told things in a way that would make them feel differently about the other parent. Usually, the more you degrade the other parent the more you will push that child to feel the need to defend them and away from you. Someone has to show them how to be a rational being and the one who does will come out on top in the end. Letting her know you love her by your words and actions does more than you know. But keep in mind that kids are kids and don't be minipulated, which is a child's only power sometimes. Help them to understand and give her a calendar with all your time already marked and little sayings written throughout reminding her you are thinking of her. Send her cards in the mail, how cool is it to get something fun in the mail! Put an IOU for icecream or a book, or anything you like in it. Little things though, because you don't want to 'buy' her affection. Record reading her favorite stories on a tape or cd so she can listen to you and read along before she goes to bed. Call her up once in awhile just to say "Hi, whatchya doing?" Let her have a friend do things with both of you sometimes so it is like a 'normal' family. Go to school functions, stop in and have lunch with her at school for no reason. You wouldn't believe how much this thrills kids at that age. Most of all, hang in there and focus on the good. Try to remind yourself that without the ex you wouldn't have the child/ren that is the light of your world.
3/14/2008 4:24:39 PM	How do I explain this?
easygoin68 Crawford, NE age: 39	I also agree with what everyone has posted. I would suggest that you check your states laws about recording phone conversations. I was able to here, and it saved my butt big time. As everyone knows children are not able to understand the complex emotions, or understand them. Remember that your daughter is still a woman, just a smaller package. It pays to shut up and let her vent. She already knows who she feels secure with, and who she trusts. Nurture that, and your kids will come running to you. Be a better parent, and you will get your kids. Just like I'm getting mine, earn them. The court system is stacked against you, it's your best shot. best of luck to you
3/14/2008 11:19:47 PM	How do I explain this?
jayem Hay Springs, NE age: 63	It's tough! My children struggled, and are still struggling, with the consequences of divorce. It happens when they come "home" for the holidays and when there are special events in their lives, such as, college graduation and weddings. There is help in DivorceCare for Kids. These are sessions led by trained adults and designed to help children of divorced parents. Personally, I am only familiar with the availability of such. Some have already said not to berate your ex in front of your children, although it is tempting. You should be respectful of your ex. Afterall, your children are trying to grasp how to respect both of you. The social consequences of divorce cost families, schools, hospitals, lawmen, government big bucks not to mention the lost productivity of the divorcees. I'm sure you would agree with the quote, "I hate divorce!"
3/15/2008 8:54:49 AM	How do I explain this?
scottoliver Hermann, MO age: 47	Maybe you should change where your little girl lives if you have a stable home without all the drama of a Gf and so forth. Or you could see about getting back with your "X" which i'm sure isn't an option you or her want. Hire someone to push her from the train like in the movie?? Good luck..
3/15/2008 6:57:17 PM	How do I explain this?
divorceddadof2 Vernal, UT age: 37	the best thing you can do in my opinion is spend as much time with your kids as possible. live near them, and always be there for them.She just sad because she got the crappy end of the stick in the whole deal. no matter whos fault it is. encouage your kids not to make the same mistakes. there is nothing you can do to make it ok, just be there when your kids need you, and whatever you do don't ever bad talk the ex. that will come back to bite you someday. Just be the best dad you can be, and always keep your kids needs ahead of your own. good luck friend. take it from somebody whos been there. My girls are almost grown, and they still love me. yours will too!!
3/16/2008 10:26:10 AM	How do I explain this?
asl_1965 Frederick, MD age: 42	Thanks everyone for the kind and wise words. I greatly appreciate the advice!
3/18/2008 9:30:42 PM	How do I explain this?
fryyyy North Kingstown, RI age: 48 online now!	You need to explain to your kids that you love them, that life is not fair. That your relationship did not work out, it's no ones fault especially not theirs. That their mother loves them.. their father loves them. You need to tell them that it breaks your heart that they are unhappy, that they can help you by being happy themselves. They have to live with one of you and if they lived with you they'd be losing their mother. Switching parents is not a solution. You need to ask your kids for permission to be happy in life. And happiness is not with your x. Shield your children from your pain.. that's very important.. because if you hurt they hurt. Your pain should be something they dont see. Just see them when you can.. do what you can to spark their imagination. Take them places where they learn and grow. Spend as much time with them as you can. Show them you can be happy.. and they can too. Do nothing to make their life more miserable, ie bashing the mother. You have to put your feelings for the x aside for your kids sake.. think of her as some stranger that loves your kids as much as you do.. and provides the best.. most extensive.. cheapest babysitting on the planet. And be secure in the fact that they are with someone that loves them as much as you do. I'm probably a better dad now.. than i ever was when i lived with them. good luck
3/19/2008 6:09:22 PM	How do I explain this?
jenjet61 Owosso, MI age: 47	I feel for you. My daughter was only 8 when we left her dad. She blames me for the divorce and is just now at age 12 starting to understand why I left her controlling overbearing dad who was cheating on me. It is so hard on kids, they do not have the maturity or objective eye to see things how they really are. Unfortunately, no matter what kind of parent you are, they love both of their parents and do not always see the faults. Just hang in there, give it time and be understanding and communicate with your daughter. Let her know it is NOT HER fault and you both love her no matter what. A parent's love is unconditional and the children need to know that. They learn from watching us, be a good example be caring and patient and you will both be fine in time. Kids heal quicker than we do. Just be there for her during hard times. Good luck and God Bless. Don't be afraid to pray together and show her that you are not perfect and are hurting too.
3/20/2008 6:11:20 PM	How do I explain this?
lin37 Comstock Park, MI age: 37	maybe you should take her to see a child phychologist. that might make the adjustment easier for you and her. Sometimes people like that have the best words and methods.

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