Back To Blog Entries

Why I'm me... by pinkcrush01 at 11/28/2006 3:10:34 PM A few years ago I had a serious crisis about life. Not just my life, but life in general. I went into emotional shut down mode and became numb to basically every possible emotion a being can encounter. I had lost sense of love, happiness, sadness, pain and anger. I lost trust. Some might not think that trust is an emotion and in a sense, they are right. But for me, because I thought about it long and hard, trust is the platform of which my emotions come to transpire. I was in this stage of almost complete numbness for a long while, but it was a stage that allowed me to sit back and evaluate my life. It let me reflect upon not only the choices I had made that gotten me to this state, but also the negative impact that I had allowed others to have on my life and the goals that I set. It seemed as though I had also forgotten about responsibility. I would try to justify the wrong to make it sound right instead of learning from the wrong choices that I'd made. But this is how I began to regain my trust and respect for others...but not to ALL others that I had once trusted. Just a very very small amount. (I'm sure you few know who you are) As I sat back and mulled over life, I began to realize that no one really cares. Every single person that I had cared about in my entire life, up to that point...and I mean EVERY person (except my grandmother) I cared about has turned on a dime and forgotten what they meant to me. What their so called caring, love and trust really had meant to me. Every one from my very own parents to a person that I'd recently met. It's now a few years later and what I have experienced in life so far has made me exactly what I am. It has made me think the way that I do. But I don't feel bad for thinking how I do. I don't feel ashamed of who I am. I am content. I've gained back some emotion. I feel love once again, but only for those that understand what my love for them really means. I, once again, feel happiness, but not because some one has made me happy, but because I have made someone happy enough for them to want to make me happy. I have sensation of pain again, but not because of betrayal, but because "you" suffer from the unknown and because I love "you" and don't want to see "you" suffer ( "you" being the people that I once again love and trust). I have tried to leave sadness and anger from my life because it once led to depression and self-inflicted wounds. I do, however, understand that those two emotions are inevitable and I will experience them again. I know that I will embrace the day that they come back into my life. I will have a whole new understanding of what they can do for my well being, and I know that they can and will help me grow as a person. I try my best not be judgemental of a person, their feelings, or beliefs. I don't care anymore if you judge me. Go ahead and judge me if it makes your pride soar! I'm striving to become a good person. That has become my goal. I won't stop until I feel that it has been achieved.