| 6/21/2008 4:50:44 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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Wawawawa...recently sperated, Dec 07. Was married 18 years, three kids, got along great (so I thought). We own a construction business together and are both hard workers.
Long story short...he is also in the reserves 21+ years and has been deployed two times since 9/11, coming into another deployment.
Things were different after 2nd deployment. I think he's been through a lot. He has changes (very controlling) and I have changes (much more independent). Started having communication problems..he holds everything in.
Don't know what ent wrong. Take good care of myself and him, house is spotless, sex is great, kids are active in sports, all good kids (oldest 17M is testing the waters). Thought we had it all.
Started marriage counselling in Sept 07. Had a good friend who supported me all the way. Told me I could do better, don't let him boss you around, etc. Find out in December they were having an affair. Both deny it, but have more than enough proof.......so the question is, how long do you wait to date again? I really love him and love my kids. I loved being a family.
He says he wants to get back but does not want to talk about what happened. Just says how sorry he is and that is all he is going to say...then says nothing happened (they were just friends). Any advice?
[Edited 6/21/2008 4:54:28 PM PST]
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| 6/21/2008 5:04:29 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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selenah
Taunton, MA
age: 50
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First off , not too sure how to reply re: dating advice for you. Re: your almost ex spouse ,it sounds like he may have gone through alot in Iraq. I am a nurse in a veterans hospital and see this kind of thing all the time from retuning Iraqi vets... Control issues being one of them... followed by relationship difficulties among other things, such as PTSD, increased alcohol consumption etc. Sounds like he should seek some counseling in terms of what he went through on his deployments...that is if he wants it. As far as how long you should to wait to date , only you can answer that question... Good Luck.
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| 6/21/2008 5:11:15 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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Thank you Selena. It is hard because he is pretty high up there and insists that if he gets help, it will effect his advancement. I just don't get it. Have been so supportive to him through the whole thing. He has just shut me out. Doesn't have problem with alcohol...but is a workaholic like I have never seen. Just trying to avoid things I guess. He is a great person and father ( a fun father I should say), but he does not let them express how they feel about anything. If they are sad or hurt, they don't dare tell him.
I don't know why it is so hard for him to get help. He sees it as a weakness and tells me nothing is wrong with him
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| 6/21/2008 5:44:47 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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maniacmassager
Lawrence, MA
age: 43
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My rule of thumb is one day of mourning after a break up, then start dating the following day. 
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| 6/21/2008 5:47:32 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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I've had six months of mourning!
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| 6/21/2008 5:53:01 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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selenah
Taunton, MA
age: 50
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katie: what branch of the service may I ask? I see what you speak of in your post alot, avoidance is another one. how long has he been back this time?
These men think they will be ostracized for seeking help, from their comrades or higher ranking officials. Sad... there are going to be more and more stories like this I am afraid  A co-worker who is also a veteran and in his 50 's in the reserves just had a deployment to Iraq just before he was getting ready to rertire from his unit. He is an RN and worked at a medical clinic in Iraq. He came back changed too, he is doing well now and lectures for staff education about how the returning vet has to transition back into life here. Anyway , enough about him ... are you ready to date? if you are ...go for it.
[Edited 6/21/2008 6:04:04 PM PST]
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| 6/21/2008 5:58:42 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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Command Master Chief in Seabee Reserves. Another question, the next deployment is voluntary. (Evenb though he can retire, he is re-enlisting 2 months before they leave.
How can you risk losing your life, your business (he is self-employed and I ran it both times he went and had no clue what I was doing), your finances, your children's emotional well being, etc, when he has already done his time TWICE?? Is it a need to be a hero? They are all heroes in my eyes, but his commitment was to me and our children and not the military. The Reserves are so overtasked right now and it is no longer one wekend a month/2 weeks per year. It is non stop coming and going for training, constant emails to answer, conference calls, etc. I am heartbroken
[Edited 6/21/2008 6:03:17 PM PST]
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| 6/21/2008 6:01:54 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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selenah
Taunton, MA
age: 50
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quoteheader]Quote from maniacmassager: |
| 6/21/2008 6:03:44 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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wish it was that easy
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| 6/21/2008 6:08:18 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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selenah
Taunton, MA
age: 50
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18 years is alot to throw away, I am so sorry you are going through this. Hope you get the support you need from family/friends , on-line and off, it must be sooo hard. (hugs)
This is such a taxing war on our military ,all branches, plus reservists, with all the deployments. I am always happy to see them come away unscathed , both mentally and physically, but some are not all that strong mentally ... even though they profess to be. I have some WWII vets that still go to groups due to PTSD they suffered, ( it was called shell shock back then) more so with Korea, Vietanam and Iraq but you would be surprised how many WWII, and they have been going to groups with their "peers" for years, say "it saved their lives", because of the comradre of the group, and what they all went through.
Things will work out for you in time... !!!!
[Edited 6/21/2008 6:19:28 PM PST]
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| 6/21/2008 6:17:04 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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Thank you Selanah. Maybe I will try to find a Military support group in the area. There are many divorces in his battalion since 9/11, so I'm definately not the only one going through it. I just don't want to go through it!
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| 6/21/2008 6:20:44 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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selenah
Taunton, MA
age: 50
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You're welcome , glad to be of help , that is if I was?? There is actually a board on here somewhere for military ... I haven't been in there but did see one... good luck , e-mail anytime.
[Edited 6/21/2008 6:21:45 PM PST]
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| 6/21/2008 6:26:14 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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katie1218
Woburn, MA
age: 44
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You were a great help! It is different telling someone who is knowlegable about wwhat they have been through, as opposed to someone who has no idea.
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| 6/21/2008 7:51:21 PM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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maniacmassager
Lawrence, MA
age: 43
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You were a great help! It is different telling someone who is knowlegable about wwhat they have been through, as opposed to someone who has no idea.
No problem. im here to help!
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| 6/22/2008 6:43:26 AM |
Recently seperated...need advice |
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billericachick2
Billerica, MA
age: 38
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Katie,
I am a disable veteran and spend a lot of time talking to veterans who have come back from the war. It's usally the spouce at home who couldn't take it, and strays from the marriage. A lot of them together seek counceling, and the vets seek indivdual counceling. It effected all, didn't matter on the ranking. Some are inlisted and some are officers.
My nephew is heading over there in August. He is just turning 21 in Sept. My other Nephew who is in the Naval Acadamy is going into his senior year is heading to Spain to relieve others so they can go to Irac. My prayers are with all men and woman on active duty. They are amazing......I never new that when I was in....
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.....You can pull through this what ever the outcome is......You sound like a strong woman.......
Karen
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