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| 9/5/2008 8:06:35 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
sincerity
Woodbridge, NJ
age: 48
|
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries, where several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And , yes, Linda is a blonde.
This actually really did happen...but it is too funny  Sin
|
| 9/6/2008 3:51:38 AM |
I have a joke! |
|
snigowy
Forked River, NJ
age: 61
|
Just took this one out of the chat room........
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double
> dose of Viagra.
>
> The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double
> dose.
>
> "Why not?' asked the man.
>
> "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor.
>
> "But I need it really bad" said the man.
>
> "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the
> doctor.
>
> The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on
> Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is
> coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a
> double dose."
>
> The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll
> give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so
> that I can check you to see if there are any side
> effects."
>
> On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a
> sling.
>
> The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
>
> The man said, "No one showed up."
|
| 9/7/2008 9:15:48 AM |
I have a joke! |
|
goddess4no1
Belleville, NJ
age: 41
|
A cat is chasing a rooster around the barnyard...
when they come upon a puddle of water the rooster jumps out of the way in just the right moment...
The cat falls in and is drenched...
the rooster cant stop laughing.....
Moral to the story...
A c*ck loves a wet p*ssy!
|
| 9/7/2008 7:03:02 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
everbero
Jersey City, NJ
age: 23
|
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
> perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
> second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
> mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
> had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in
> the ICU.
>
>
>
> The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
> she'd be there as soon as possible.
>
> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
> best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
> before heading to the hospital.
>
> She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
> cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last
> shop. She was jubilant.
>
> Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
> hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
> condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
> finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
> While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
> husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well
> you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
> shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round
> the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
>
> The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
>
> The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
> dead. What did you buy?'
Women are definitely evil
|
| 9/7/2008 7:04:13 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
everbero
Jersey City, NJ
age: 23
|
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
> perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
> second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
> mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
> had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in
> the ICU.
>
>
>
> The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
> she'd be there as soon as possible.
>
> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
> best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
> before heading to the hospital.
>
> She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
> cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last
> shop. She was jubilant.
>
> Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
> hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
> condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
> finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
> While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
> husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well
> you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
> shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round
> the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
>
> The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
>
> The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's
> dead. What did you buy?'
|
| 9/7/2008 7:32:06 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
th6231
Point Pleasant Beach, NJ
age: 61
|
A man was looking to buy Viagra for the first time--he asked the druggist..." Can I get it over the counter""?? the druggist told him..."Yes--about 10 minutes after you take the pill" 
|
| 9/9/2008 11:23:27 AM |
I have a joke! |
|
laceylady146
Lanoka Harbor, NJ
age: 57
|
An Indian and a Pollock got married and they lived in their TPee along side a babbling brook......9 months later they had a baby......Know what they named the kid?
Running Dumb F..K! 
|
| 9/10/2008 4:13:25 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
sincerity
Woodbridge, NJ
age: 48
|
ITALIAN FIREFIGHTERS
One dark night in the small town of Totowa, NewJersey, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.....
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to rescue the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Paterson, New Jersey, Volunteer Fire Department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Paterson old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The TV reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella." said Chief Pasquale DeLuccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "De fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!".
|
| 9/10/2008 4:18:08 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
sincerity
Woodbridge, NJ
age: 48
|
I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me ... itwas her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went braless.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate..... She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
|
| 9/11/2008 8:44:33 AM |
I have a joke! |
|
chicaboom58
North Bergen, NJ
age: 59 online now!
|
A Blonde in the Casino
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand Euros
(Eu.20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely
nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come
on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I
WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes
and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
*********** MORAL OF THE STORY ************
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
ROFLMAO.......This one is a keeper
|
| 9/13/2008 2:00:33 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
onbrightside
Bellmawr, NJ
age: 49
|
What do you call a virgin on a water bed???
A cherry float
[Edited 9/13/2008 2:10:44 PM]
|
| 9/13/2008 2:13:31 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
onbrightside
Bellmawr, NJ
age: 49
|
What do you call an intelligent,
good looking, sensitive man?
A Rumor
|
| 9/13/2008 2:15:19 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
onbrightside
Bellmawr, NJ
age: 49
|
Why is ther no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enought to go on the good rides.
|
| 9/13/2008 2:17:30 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
onbrightside
Bellmawr, NJ
age: 49
|
What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
|
| 9/13/2008 2:21:28 PM |
I have a joke! |
|
onbrightside
Bellmawr, NJ
age: 49
|
How do you make five pounds of fat look?
Give it a nipple
|
|