| 11/6/2007 12:01:34 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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cottagebithec
Utica, NY
age: 60 online now!
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Hello 50+... need some advice and counsel. I posted this in the widowers group and thought some of you would give me your thoughts... men, please don't hesitate, I need your point of view.
Met a man this past Spring. Dated through the summer... six months...didn't really see one another more that twice a month. The fourth time I saw him he was quite amorous, but I couldn't go there... although I was very attracted to him and liked him a lot.
I know I was having difficulty because of my husband's memory and I know myself, I have to be in a stable, caring relationship to become intimate... just needed more time to get to know him... but he kept his distance emotionally.
We had some of the same interests and that is what we would do on our dates. He never approached me like that after I had refused him. He did tell me in the beginning he wasn't looking for a relationship and that I was different from woman he had met online (whatever that means). After 6 months... I felt I was ready to take the plunge with him and he backed away... telling me he did not want to "hurt, abuse or take advantage" of me . He again told me he wasn't looking for a relationship. I felt rejected.
We have not seen each other since, but I think about him all the time and feel regretful that it didn't go any further. He is 68 years old and a well educated man. Although he didn't express it openly... I saw a compassion and warmth in his eyes and by the way he treated others in my presence that was very attractive to me.
Somehow it seems worse than loosing my husband, because HE is still HERE. Should I forget about him and the chance of being together again? How do I get rid of the "what ifs" in my head. The experience has left me feeling vulnerable and insecure... which isn't like me.
Give me your best shot...  
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| 11/6/2007 12:09:50 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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agent05949
Greenville, MI
age: 56
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Cottage,
I get a sense that you "walk the straight and narrow" so I suspect this thread took a lot on your part to write. If my perception is wrong I apologize. With very limited exposure to you, and obviously just a paragraph or more of content, I suspect you've done the right thing for yourself. Particularly KNOWING that the gentleman didn't want " a relationship". It (your behavior) would be consistent with your values and your life experiences. I applaud you.
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| 11/6/2007 12:10:41 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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lawvixen
Oldsmar, FL
age: 54 online now!
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He was ready for intimacy after 4 dates, and you weren't. I think both of you gave up too soon after that, with men being more primal in that aspect. Contact him and ask if he wants a a relationship with you. Second chances at our age is what it is all about...
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| 11/6/2007 12:23:06 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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cottagebithec
Utica, NY
age: 60 online now!
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law... I don't have the nerve to do it... feeling rejected, vulnerable yada,yada,yada...
Agent... tx for your perception... you are right.
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| 11/6/2007 12:28:05 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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phucq
Panama City, FL
age: 65
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For once I agree with Agent. Men usually mean what they say, so if he said he doesn't want a relationship, then that's probably true. Some women say one thing and mean another, so some men hang on thinking the woman will come around. When you stuck to your guns, that convinced him that you mean exactly what you say, so he moved on.
I know it's hard to take a chance on missing an opportunity at happiness when we get older, because fewer chances come along, But, if this man was interested in having a real relationship with you, then you wouldn't be able to scare him off that easily. It's better for you to find out what he wants now than later, after you've made an emotional investment in an attachment that's not going where you want it to go. I advise you to move on; you have much to offer, and when the right man comes along, he will value you for the very traits that caused this one to leave.
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| 11/6/2007 12:33:23 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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lawvixen
Oldsmar, FL
age: 54 online now!
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In case you haven't noticed...I have the "balls" to call him. Want me to ask on your behalf? Get up the nerve, gal, and go for it..otherwise you will be wondering the "what if" for the next five years..
Also, you are questioning what he meant by some "other" women online? Most are looking for a relationship right out of the shoot, so in you he found someone different in wanting to take things slowly. Sounds to me he really appreciated it, then got scared because he was starting to have feelings for you. I bet he is still "wondering" about you and the what ifs. One of you has to make another attempt or all may be lost, all because of pride.
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| 11/6/2007 12:42:39 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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cottagebithec
Utica, NY
age: 60 online now!
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law... I know you've got em... I had them once too... just can't find them right now... I love your style... and yes, pride is 
Want you for a sister 
Phucg... tx, I received the very same advice from my sisters (four of them)... just in denial, I guess.
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| 11/6/2007 12:59:21 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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phucq
Panama City, FL
age: 65
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Just remember, his inability to make a commitment is HIS problem, it has nothing to do with you. If he had not been attracted to your mind and body then he would not have dated you for six months. It was only when you wanted to take it to the next level, that he backed away. That clearly indicates that this is all about what he wants; or to be more accurate, it's about what he does not want, which is commitment. This is not a reflection on your attractiveness as a woman. You were not rejected, your desire for commitment is what he rejected. Many older men want the benefits of a relationship, without the responsibilities.
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| 11/6/2007 12:59:32 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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lawvixen
Oldsmar, FL
age: 54 online now!
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I guarantee you from now on, for the next year or two, you will be comparing all the new men you meet to "him". I say this because you are not yet over "him". It isn't fair to the new men, because the comparisons will be there in the back of your mind.
You were even comparing "him" to your late husband. Human nature...It will just take time and patience, but eventually and hopefully you will find Mr. Right For You.
[Edited 11/6/2007 1:00:56 PM]
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| 11/6/2007 1:06:01 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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phucq
Panama City, FL
age: 65
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Lawvixen, your photo is hot, but I wish you would put up a picture without those damn
sun glasses, because many of us would like to see your beautiful eyes.
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| 11/6/2007 1:15:43 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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lawvixen
Oldsmar, FL
age: 54 online now!
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phuc, please, this thread is about cottage....to comment about me visit the Vixen Fan Club thread~~~~~~~
[Edited 11/6/2007 1:38:28 PM]
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| 11/6/2007 1:19:23 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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phucq
Panama City, FL
age: 65
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You are totally right, but since I caught you on-line I just had to get that out, because I've wanted to say it for the longest time. I'm a charter member of the fan club!
If Cottage was wearing sun glasses, I'd say the same thing to her.
[Edited 11/6/2007 1:21:03 PM]
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| 11/6/2007 1:30:51 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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copterdriver
Saint Matthews, SC
age: 55 online now!
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Not knowing you personally or how long you've been single it's hard to form a valid opinion. If you've been single for a few years and you're "over" your husband it could be time for you to find someone and it sounds like you may be in that place now. I agree with agent and ph about the intentions he may have but we are not in a position to really know what he wants from you.
Common interests are hard to find sometimes, especially if yours are not mainstream.
I would at least give him a call with the pretense of being friendly to see where he is in his current relationships. He may have found someone and you can let it go, or like Vix said, he may be kicking himself daily, and wishing he could fix it somehow. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Take a chance and just be friendly. It may be just what you are looking for or you may confirm the fact that he isn't interested in anything but a casual relationship "with benefits."
The what if's can be replaced by focusing on the search for a new mate.... just takes time like any realtionship gone south. Don't look back... your life is still ahead of ya...
Us old guys can be stubborn sometimes too. 
JMO
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| 11/6/2007 1:35:41 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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trublu5ft2
Columbia, TN
age: 50 online now!
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" What ifs" can turn into regrets very easily. To ease your own mind.. and perhaps to get a conclusion to all of this, I think you should call him. Lay all the cards on the table. He might have had a change of heart which would be great for you! But if not... than at least you can accept it as a fact and move on.
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| 11/6/2007 1:35:53 PM |
Dear Ann Landers.... HELP !!! |
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cottagebithec
Utica, NY
age: 60 online now!
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phucg... enough about me... let's talk about me.
Thank you... wise men here... and law, you are right... that is what I do now... compare all the other men to him 
[Edited 11/6/2007 1:38:56 PM]
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