sweetangel40
New South Wales
Australia
age: 40
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After a very long painful breakup I have now decided to break all ways of contact for good. However, my children (he's stepchildren) have an amazing love for him and still want contact as does he. Unfortunately he uses this as a pawn also to manipulate my mind..love and what i need to do ? I know i need to stop all forms of contact but this is difficult when he takes the kids out for the day..tryin hard to get my mind off him..constant reminder when they return  .........would be soo much easier if i could stop all contact alltogether
thanks Sweetangel
[Edited 1/13/2008 4:21:53 PM]
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cjbaker
Decatur, AL
age: 38
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That is just low down to use kids... I don't say nothing at all about their mom infront of them or ask them anything, unless she is seeing someone... then all I want to know is if they are mean or abusive to my kids. But that is the only thing about their life with their mom I want to know.
That is low of someone to use kids for any gain or to hurt the other. I wish you the best in your break up and hope everything goes fine for you.
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spiritwonder
Lions Head, ON
age: 59
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Sweetangel
Did your ex legally adopt the children? If so, then there should be some format that you can use to control the visitation.
If not, as much as the kids want to see him, you need to decide what is best for you and them within the big picture. Continued contact might well deprive them and you from something much greater for them and yourself both as a family unit and individually. You might decide that once a month or two have gone by, they will have a different perspective. Take the children into consideration, but don't let them be the controlling issue. You are the adult with the responsibility of their well-being overall.
The challenges of him wanting you back using the children as pawns is a form of child abuse. JMO
Best of luck! 
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mrcmore
Peekskill, NY
age: 35
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Not sure what he put you through...but, too bad you can't remain friends, if he can't except that...then you need to let him go.
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bucho154
Lamar, CO
age: 34
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How old are your children? How long have they lived with or known your ex, is he just using them as pons or do they have a long time bond with each other?
Break ups are always hard, they are especially hard for children if they have a bond with the other person.
I have two children with my ex and I took a long drawn ordeal in court for me to have my children with me every week.
I am very careful with this situation with my children and who I meet only because I have gone through this before with the break up with my ex. Not only do I have children with her, I have a stepdaughter that I love very much. My step daughter was 9 months when I started raising her. She was 6 when I left.
For the last three and a half years my ex let my stepdaughter spend every weekend with me.
But now my ex has broken off all contact with her because my ex is mad at me again.
This is not fair for my step daughter and only hurts her.
I have recently found out that my state has what is called right of bondage. I plan to file the papers with the court after this weekend so my ex can no longer hurt my stepdaughter.
[Edited 1/13/2008 7:27:51 PM]
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pwin_here_n_now
Annapolis, MD
age: 38
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Sweet:
there is alot of good advice for you here... tho keep in mind it is based on American Law... that being said you need to find out what the laws are on common law marrige, Bonding (with a step parent), etc. in Austraila are....
Now a days, you should be able to find some thing on line as to the laws of your country... If I recall correctly you were never married? If I am wrong please correct me. And being the the biological mother and primary caregiver you should have certain rights in decision making as to the wellfare of your children and your familial status...
Last thing I will say to you: Is children are resilent... they do develope bonds... but you will find they really are not just children "they are little human beings!" They have far more insight on a purity level sometimes, due to the fact that they have not been over socialized and tainted. And Deep down... that bond that you have with them, having carried and bore them into this world, is stronger than most! Realise that they will understand, "that just because he was wonderful with you (the children), he wasn't the same way with Mommy..."
Deep down - they only want mommy to happy! and loving towards them...
I know this. I went through this with a man who helped me in many ways... but in the end extended respect to my children and not me! And my children understand now. You are their rock.... continue to be so, and make the right decision for you & them, as a unit. He can be replaced..... Mommy can not....
P.win
[Edited 1/14/2008 5:54:07 PM]
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