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Forums: Groups: 40's: Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry
2/17/2008 11:28:39 AM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

smilin_bob
Broadway, VA
age: 47

 Within our age group, most of us have had time to experience Compatibility and Chemistry in long term relationships. I am defining Compatibility as the mental side (communication, intelligence, trust, emotions, stability, comfort, etc). The Chemistry side is the physical side (physical appearance, sensuality, sexuality).

If you are seeking just friendship, there has to be Compatibility but not necessarily any Chemistry.

If you are seeking a romantic encounter (sexual in nature), there has to be chemistry, but not necessarily any compatibility.

My question is this: If you are seeking a Long Term Relationship:
Do you have magical balance or formula for both Compatibility and Chemistry?
Do you seek one or the other first?
Do they have to be balanced?
If there is an imbalance towards one or the other, when do you realize a LTR will not be viable?

Thank you for your thoughts on this!
~smiles~
2/17/2008 11:38:28 AM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

yoolenspeegl
Laurel, MD
age: 47 online now!

 good questions...and, not to be corny but i believe those are the $64,000 questions...

for me, it would start with compatibility. but if the chemistry doesn't develop, there's not a chance for me. i tried that with my ex-husband..nice guy. just weren't meant for each other.

it was heartbreaking to find that out. we spent 12 years together. i gave it a good try.

but in talking with my friends, it think we all struggle with these same issues.

i'll just keep learning and trying i reckon'....

)
Yool
2/17/2008 11:50:58 AM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

smilin_bob
Broadway, VA
age: 47

 Yool, So you are stating in your relationship, you had an imbalance.. high Compatibility with low Chemistry. If the two had been equalized (more balanced), do you think the relationship could have survived?

Thank you for your response!
2/17/2008 11:59:43 AM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

yoolenspeegl
Laurel, MD
age: 47 online now!

 hard to say, because the relationship changed as all relationships do.but the question is -- did it change because there was no chemistry? or for other reasons? i don't know.

although, i do think that partly it had something to do with my in-laws being like mother teresa married to general patton. that did put a strain on the marriage...lol!

that's a whole 'nother story...
2/17/2008 12:22:37 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

garnetlady
Cincinnati, OH
age: 48

 In my marriage I beleive it started at about 50/50 on compatibility/chemistry. As time moved on it fell quite short on the compatibility level thus losing the chemistry level.

Friendships you need compatibility.

For a romantic encounter only, you only need chemistry.

Long term relationships I think require both and should be just about equal. You can start out with compatibility and chemistry grows because you become more endeared with that person. I hope this makes sense.
2/17/2008 12:35:27 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

smilin_bob
Broadway, VA
age: 47

 GarnetLady,
Yes, it does make sense. You know the balance is important. If one seems to drop, the other will suffer, thus affecting the entire relationship.
Thank you for your input!
~smiles~
2/17/2008 12:53:20 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

snuggleup2you
Peabody, MA
age: 48

 Sometimes compatibility and chemistry just " happens" No formula, more like fate. I met someone a while back that was soooo not my type,but I accepted a second date,just to give things a fair shot,still,I felt no butterflies,attraction etc.I'm the type of girl who has a tough time telling the person " I'm not interested" cause I always fear hurting their feelings ( with the exception of the married man who just e-mailed me ).Anyway, he called several times we talked for awhile, he made me laugh,so I accepted a 3rd date..Long story short after being w/ him for a few months,I fell madly in love, and tried to makes sense of that, concidering I'd have bet my right arm I'd never be attracted to him ! For those of you wondering what happened..distance,and the fact that he never had a child,was becoming a problem. The rest is history
2/17/2008 1:02:33 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

smilin_bob
Broadway, VA
age: 47

 SnuggleUp, It sounds like it took a while to discover the Compatibility - some dates, then some phone conversations. I assume the Chemistry is there also.

I am glad "it just happened" for you! I wish you continued success!
Thank you for your reply!
~smiles~
2/17/2008 1:13:55 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

snuggleup2you
Peabody, MA
age: 48

 SmilinBob, Thanks for the vote of confidence, but the " continued success" you speak of...was discontinued LOL
2/17/2008 3:42:01 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

dgh
Moose Jaw, SK
age: 44

 That is a great question and there are a few answers
First you say our age group so I will address that, I think that at this stage in life we look at things different as we have been down the block and know what we want and the traps and snares that are out there so we enter into relationships from a different point of view.

There has to compatibility first as you will not even move forward to see if there is chemistry
Yes we may be more accepting of some traits that the other has but if they do not fit the majority of what we are looking for you will not let it move forward

So you get past that and then chemistry steps into play, and if there is no chemistry there will be no long term relationship as only chemistry will allow us to move ahead as you know it is fairimons’ that drives us and if the mix is wrong it will not work. Yes you can be in that relationship but is settling or accepting but not really love.

There is a content change of balance in all relationships some day the mixes of fairimons is perfect and things could not get better but on other days you can hardly be in a conversation with a mate, that is the imbalance, not that dislike your mate it just that things are not clicking
2/17/2008 5:05:47 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

chiwawa
Carleton Place, ON
age: 46

 Well 15 years ago I thought we had compatibility communication, intelligence, trust, emotions, stability, comfort, etc., and the chemistry was there but weak and not automatically. I thought it would eventually happen/grow unfortunately it never did and some of the compatibility started to fade too (ie. trust).

So I would say that it is important to have a good balance in both and not one sided and hope the other side grows on you eventually...it is not going to happen, and if it did to someone then congratulations to them.

Sorry to have stayed so long in a marriage that was going no-where, now I have to start over but will not do the same mistake again.
2/17/2008 5:20:37 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

ret1058
Westerville, OH
age: 49

 I believe that there has to be a good balance between the two. I do know that if one is significantly higher or lower than the other....it won't work...for me. I have to have both.

Initially, compatibility is the most important. I have found that chemistry can happen over time. For example, if a man is not typically the type of man I find attractive (I typically like "rugged" looking...not clean shaven guys)...but the compatibility is there...if I get to know him....it is possible for the chemistry to come. He becomes more attractive to me over time, as I get to know him.

So...I used to think that it had to be "instant chemistry"...now, I'm not so sure that isn't just "lust". lol So...I'm not so quick to dismiss a relationship because the chemistry isn't there...yet. Sometimes, it takes time to really get to know the person.

Something that dgh said... about the constant change of balance in a relationship...I hadn't really thought about that...but that's true.

I have been in relationships where the balance swung both ways.
a. strong compatibility but low chemistry......I can't handle that
b. strong chemistry but low compatibility in one area or another....I really notice
this one if communication or intelligence is lacking in my partner...I need
someone who communicates well and who stimulates me intellectually
2/17/2008 6:10:52 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

smilin_bob
Broadway, VA
age: 47

 Dgh, Good points! You have to feel the compatibility before you go building the chemistry.

Chiwawa, You have a good point also that there has to be some sort of balance.

Ret, I like your points in saying that your approach is different now. You are not so quick to dismiss.

All very interesting points!
Thank you for your opinions! This is a great discussion!
~smiles~
2/17/2008 6:15:54 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

telula
Orangeburg, NY
age: 40

 Compatibility comes first, as in friendship which I think is most important in any relationship. Chemistry could come later with the relationship as it grows.
2/17/2008 6:28:35 PM Long Term Relationships: Compatibility and Chemistry  

origsyn2
Great Falls, MT
age: 47

 I think you need to have both compatibility and chemistry.

If you are compatible but have no chemistry you may have found a best friend but not a mate. If you have chemisty but are not compatible, someone is sure to get hurt. The chemistry does not have to be instant, once you are attracted to the person ie personality, sense of humor, goals, life priorities....you may develop chemistry. Like baking bread, you have to wait for the chemical reaction of the yeast before you bake the bread or you ruin the batch. It just doesn't rise correctly.

As to when you know a LTR is not viable, that is different based on the people involved it needs to be done on a one on one situation.

I don't know if you can understand what I'm saying but it sounded right in my head

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