What can we realistically expect from men?

7/20/2008 2:08:36 AM	What can we realistically expect from men?
mmaru Erie, PA age: 24	I have little to no dating experience, but right now I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy. We've been off and on for a bit over a year, and I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I'm just expecting too much, or if maybe it's time to part ways. I've been making plans to move in with him next April, and it seems like ever since this was decided, he just doesn't care anymore. We go days at a time without talking, or when I do send him a message, he doesn't respond. He used to tell me that he loves me almost every night before I'd go to bed, and now I'm lucky if he bothers to even say goodnight. I had some cookies delivered to his house when he hurt his hand, and I have yet to hear him say thank you for that. Last time I sent a package, instead of thanking me for it, he complained that the cookies I'd packed had gotten moldy by the time they got to him, and completely disregarded the rest of the non-perishables I'd packed which wouldn't have been damaged by this. It's frustrating because he's not a complete jerk at all. When we first started 'dating,' he'd panic if I didn't sign on every day and talk to him. We used to have webcams set up so we could see each other while we talked... nothing dirty or anything, just would be able to look at one another. He once sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses with a teddy bear just because he felt like it, and sometimes he sends me pictures of himself even though I know how much he hates getting his picture taken. He's also a great friend even when he isn't my boyfriend, which is a much appreciated quality. He's the only person I know that has managed to talk me down when I start freaking out, and he's been extremely patient with me when I've had doubts and worries. I'm not sure if it's just because guys and girls are so different, but I wonder if I'm being too demanding, expecting him to be this perfect fantasy guy, or if maybe we weren't meant to be after all. Guys can't be expected to be sensitive to the same things as women, but when is the line crossed?
7/20/2008 5:24:01 AM	What can we realistically expect from men?
maxlite777 Louisville, KY age: 60	One of the biggest mistakes I've made over the years is taking over the role of persuer...Might I make a suggestion? Back-off and let this gentleman have the reins again...When we women take the Role of the aggressor we take away the role of the man and the Man becomes lazy and uninterested...Let him have the "Game" back again. Sometimes our gifts and the little things of appreciation seemes like a contest as to who can be the best...This can be overwhelming for some men and can make them feel like they can't compete. Sit back and let this Man be a Man. "Enjoy"! I'm Still Learning, Good Luck Maxlite
7/20/2008 11:01:37 AM	What can we realistically expect from men?
skipjoe Tulare, SD age: 51	If I did not know better, I would have thought I just came across a note I may have written many years ago. I hope you learn faster than I did. There are so many things that could be happening that it would take a huge book to explore all the possibilities. I used to give all kinds of excuses for a man that would act like he wanted me until I made a commitment, and then he would turn into ... or should I just say that he simply quit acting like he cared about me. I would ask myself exactly the same questions you are. Far as expecting too much -- what are you willing to settle for? Why settle unless you actually are unrealistic? Do you have a real, live role model you want for yourself or are you only relying on fantasy? Yes, guys are not the same as girls -- they usually are less complicated. I learned the hard way that if he acts like he is no longer that into you, it probably is because he is no longer that into you. I also learned the following and hope you may find something useful to you: Some people are jerks and know that they have to be nice for a while to get their power over another person's emotions. Some people crave the rush they get from "falling in love," and that desire can only be maintained by going from person to person. Some people just like the chase -- like a dog after a rabbit. Some people want to be committed, but are very afraid when it is reality so they hurt others while trying to protect themselves. Some people have had a very poor childhood and have an unhealthy idea of what a committed relationship is. I even just recently learned that I may be only attracted to men that are NOT able to commit in a healthy way because it gives ME! a feeling similar to a gambler who is "hooked on the desire to see if it is going to pay off if I do this again even if it usually has not in the past and most likely will not again." Hope you do not think his actions would change if you knew the reason he is acting this way? His actions will only change if he chooses to change them. Obviously, he has chosen to change from a man who is willing to show he cares to one who does not show he cares. Understanding the why helps curiousity, but it will not make him change back to a person who acts like he cares. You have to choose what is best for YOU because you have no control over his actions. You can ask him to go to counselling with you to help you through your pain. However, this request does not mean he will act differently -- he might even turn on you in anger for the suggestion. From what I understand, the best approach to this type of situation is to let him know how you feel once and then quit trying to explain, TRY to stop thinking about the many reasons why he may be acting this way, remind yourself that your desires are real to you even if they may seem unrealistic to others, focus on the fact that you deserve better treatment than to be totally ignored, continue with your life by doing things YOU can do WITHOUT him that you enjoy, get feedback from people you trust including professionals, allow yourself some time to adjust to the idea that he may not be the person for you, and then follow your heart. Since you mentioned that you are new to dating, be warned that your heart might be willing to hurt for unhealthy reasons. Also be warned that people may call YOU names even though all you are trying to do is protect yourself. Bottom line -- the only way to be able to experience great joy is to be willing to feel great pain, and the pain may be you closing one door so others can open. If none of this information helps, please remember you are not alone in this type of situation.
7/20/2008 5:15:25 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
alicekathleen Fresno, CA age: 63	I agree with the lady from Louisville. NO MORE packages. I am just like you, very much a giver. Stand back. Don't ignore him, but be your own woman. Please make sure you have other passions besides this man. He does not want to be adored, or rather, he does, but only when he feels like it. I believe you when you say he is a fine person. But now, he does not want to just sit around staring into your eyes. Do not take it to heart. Be yourself, but not needy, and not sticky (I am very sentimental, so I am talking to both of us!). Do not count the comments that hurt you. Take the high ground, and please, read, go to movies, travel, see friends, take a class. Do not pour all of your essence into this man. Do not play cat and mouse, just pursue your interests, keep him informed, and don't hang on to his every word or reaction.
7/20/2008 8:06:04 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
jazminx Mount Airy, GA age: 41	Quote from mmaru: I have little to no dating experience, but right now I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy. We've been off and on for a bit over a year, and I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I'm just expecting too much, or if maybe it's time to part ways. I've been making plans to move in with him next April, and it seems like ever since this was decided, he just doesn't care anymore. We go days at a time without talking, or when I do send him a message, he doesn't respond. He used to tell me that he loves me almost every night before I'd go to bed, and now I'm lucky if he bothers to even say goodnight. I had some cookies delivered to his house when he hurt his hand, and I have yet to hear him say thank you for that. Last time I sent a package, instead of thanking me for it, he complained that the cookies I'd packed had gotten moldy by the time they got to him, and completely disregarded the rest of the non-perishables I'd packed which wouldn't have been damaged by this. It's frustrating because he's not a complete jerk at all. When we first started 'dating,' he'd panic if I didn't sign on every day and talk to him. We used to have webcams set up so we could see each other while we talked... nothing dirty or anything, just would be able to look at one another. He once sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses with a teddy bear just because he felt like it, and sometimes he sends me pictures of himself even though I know how much he hates getting his picture taken. He's also a great friend even when he isn't my boyfriend, which is a much appreciated quality. He's the only person I know that has managed to talk me down when I start freaking out, and he's been extremely patient with me when I've had doubts and worries. I'm not sure if it's just because guys and girls are so different, but I wonder if I'm being too demanding, expecting him to be this perfect fantasy guy, or if maybe we weren't meant to be after all. Guys can't be expected to be sensitive to the same things as women, but when is the line crossed? well without knowing the entire story, all i can suppose is when a guy starts to lessen his attention it can mean he met someone else or maybe he just realized he was coming on too strong. or maybe he just got tired of waiting for you. for men out of sight can be out of mind
7/24/2008 11:35:59 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
duluthlover Hutchinson, MN age: 33	Quote from mmaru: I have little to no dating experience, but right now I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy. We've been off and on for a bit over a year, and I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I'm just expecting too much, or if maybe it's time to part ways. I've been making plans to move in with him next April, and it seems like ever since this was decided, he just doesn't care anymore. We go days at a time without talking, or when I do send him a message, he doesn't respond. He used to tell me that he loves me almost every night before I'd go to bed, and now I'm lucky if he bothers to even say goodnight. I had some cookies delivered to his house when he hurt his hand, and I have yet to hear him say thank you for that. Last time I sent a package, instead of thanking me for it, he complained that the cookies I'd packed had gotten moldy by the time they got to him, and completely disregarded the rest of the non-perishables I'd packed which wouldn't have been damaged by this. It's frustrating because he's not a complete jerk at all. When we first started 'dating,' he'd panic if I didn't sign on every day and talk to him. We used to have webcams set up so we could see each other while we talked... nothing dirty or anything, just would be able to look at one another. He once sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses with a teddy bear just because he felt like it, and sometimes he sends me pictures of himself even though I know how much he hates getting his picture taken. He's also a great friend even when he isn't my boyfriend, which is a much appreciated quality. He's the only person I know that has managed to talk me down when I start freaking out, and he's been extremely patient with me when I've had doubts and worries. I'm not sure if it's just because guys and girls are so different, but I wonder if I'm being too demanding, expecting him to be this perfect fantasy guy, or if maybe we weren't meant to be after all. Guys can't be expected to be sensitive to the same things as women, but when is the line crossed? RED FLAG!!!!!! Don't do it! Please don't do it! You may not regret it now but you will later.
8/22/2008 8:23:41 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
widow_hatingit Eastlake, OH age: 59	Quote from skipjoe: I also learned the following and hope you may find something useful to you: Some people are jerks and know that they have to be nice for a while to get their power over another person's emotions. Some people crave the rush they get from "falling in love," and that desire can only be maintained by going from person to person. Some people just like the chase -- like a dog after a rabbit. Some people want to be committed, but are very afraid when it is reality so they hurt others while trying to protect themselves. Some people have had a very poor childhood and have an unhealthy idea of what a committed relationship is. I even just recently learned that I may be only attracted to men that are NOT able to commit in a healthy way because it gives ME! a feeling similar to a gambler who is "hooked on the desire to see if it is going to pay off if I do this again even if it usually has not in the past and most likely will not again." >>>>>> Best answer!! U asked for advice, I have not seen one post telling u it is a great idea! Dance like no one is looking, and ask yourself, If money weren't a problem, would your answer be the same?? This rolly coster ride will only get worse, he isn't into you, end it now! Best Wishes, BB
8/28/2008 12:09:09 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
irparis39 New York, NY age: 49	Why would think this is a quality guy that you've been on and off with? Why would you even consider moving in with him? He's not into you. Stop the packages, stop the Florence Nightingale effect, that only works during a war and stop thinking that this is the only man who can be with you. You're a beautiful girl, there will be others. You don't have to take crumbs. Its leaving you unsatisfy. I don't do long distance, do you know why? Because after awhile I lose interest in making the effort to bond with someone so far away. There are too many men around here for me to go into the import/export business, for it to be worth my while. I need someone to date, for exactly that purpose, so that I won't uproot myself and move in with someone I barely know. No matter how much you cam/email/phone/text...you really don't know someone unless their in your face. Find someone closer to home. This boy isn't being mindful and his stewardship duties stuck. Paris
8/28/2008 12:20:59 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
southerngal10 Sevierville, TN age: 49	It's not what you want or need, your heart may think so, ... is it better to be in this or alone? You say you haven't had much dating experience thus you're afraid to let go. Girl, let go, I'm sorry it hurts you but sweetie, he isn't the man you thought he was.. sounds like > as always, in the first part you put up all the "great" traits that will catch someone, just be yourself and the right one will come along. Suggestion: you are 24- live life girl, try dating, get more experience, and more confidence in you. You are a beautiful young lady and in the end it will be worth it, you will find your guy, good luck, please , please don't move in with this guy. HE doesn't deserve you.
8/29/2008 9:18:02 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
debbins Bremen, OH age: 53	i'm finding that most of the guys nowadays only want short term relationships with absolutely no commitment whatsoever. when things start to get serious to the point where you may move in together, they get skiddish and want out cause they don't want to get trapped into the relationship. if he truely loves you, he'll want to be with you, not try to avoid you once you start to take the relationship to the next level. guys don't like change.............they live their lives like a fine tuned daily routine and don't want it changed. it may take him quite some time to convince himself that this would be good. just ask him if he's scared and let him know that you are too cause it's not only a change for him, but a big change for you as well. maybe it will help him know you aren't trying to make him change his life, just offering a chance for maybe you both to have a better life together. debbins
9/1/2008 5:39:39 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
lefty74 Cincinnati, OH age: 34	A honest job,no probation,own place no warrants is that too much
9/1/2008 8:22:13 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
ari37 Miami, FL age: 23	Realistically we shouldn't expect anything from men (in my opinion)...to prevent heartaches and dissapointments so... Just live ur life and make sure u're doing everything possible to enjoy it.
9/6/2008 1:56:49 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
luvamy Monte Vista, CO age: 30	Honestly, Ladies. I have no Damn clue what to expect from men. I know what, I want but.... Lets Get Real. Not gonna happen. [Edited 9/6/2008 1:57:12 PM]
9/6/2008 3:30:39 PM	What can we realistically expect from men?
mmaru Erie, PA age: 24	I think that we often expect (or at least want) a connection with a man that is emotional as well as physical, intellectual, everything. But let's face it: guys do not talk about their feelings. They do not analyze things the way we do. When they say one thing, they usually mean one thing and not ten things like we do. I know I and my sister have both had frustrations with our menfolk because we want them to be more emotionally open and such, and I wonder if that's fair to even get upset when that area is lacking or if it's just not the way guys are built. When I think about the sort of relationship I want in my future life partner, I know it often starts with the thought that he should be my best friend. Yet all of my best friends have been women, we talk like women, we think like women, we share like women. Is it fair to expect a guy to fill that standard?

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