mepods
Louisville, KY
age: 59
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I know that you’ve heard it before. Every relationship book out there will tell you the same thing. “Don’t be needy.” “Men don’t like needy women.” “Whatever you do, don’t appear desperate.”
You’re heard it time and time again, you know it’s true, but does anyone actually tell you how to do it?
Maybe you’ve tried to get over it by starting a new hobby, focusing on your career, scheduling regular nights out with the girls … but inside your heart you can still feel it.
That aching emptiness.
That longing to be kissed and held and loved.
That dreaded need for a man.
You can pour as many activities as you want into your day, but the only result will be that you escape from your own feelings.
Are You Drowning Out Your Neediness?
My friend Janet boasts that she doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t have time for one anyway. She’s the epitome of the successful, independent woman. She believes that the cure for neediness is “to fill up your life with meaningful activities.”
But when Janet doesn’t have anything to do – when she’s on vacation or has a weekend free – she falls apart. She can’t handle being alone with nothing to do.
That’s when the truth is revealed: the only reason that she can say that she doesn’t need a man is because she’s too busy to think about it.
It’s true that keeping yourself busy can be a useful stopgap measure to tide yourself over until you’re more emotionally in control, but it’s harmful over the long-term.
Keeping yourself so busy that you don’t have time to think about the lack of a man in your life is NOT a cure for neediness. It’s simply the perfect way to ensure that there will NEVER be any room in your life for a relationship.
Where Does Neediness Come From?
According to psychiatrist Mark Epstein, author of Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, one of the biggest reasons that his patients came to him was that they felt a sense of emptiness in their lives. Although these individuals may have led accomplished lives with strong social bonds and a high degree of self-confidence, they still felt a hollowness inside that nothing could fill.
"Neediness" is a bigger issue than folk wisdom suggests. Although friends or family members may tell you to "get over it" and develop your own life so that you don't depend on someone else so much, that answer is actually counterproductive.
What they're suggesting is that independence, a strong self-esteem, and a practical hardiness will keep you from feeling emotionally needy. They're wrong.
All that this advice will do is suppress your emotional needs so that you don't feel them. Or, if you do happen to feel emotionally needy, you'll feel guilty and horrified at yourself. You'll feel that you should be "better than that."
We all have emotional needs. And one of the reasons that we're attracted to the men we are is that we carry the hope of him fulfilling them.
How Can I Stop Neediness from Affecting My Relationships?
Having emotional needs is a bit different from displaying "neediness." A "needy" woman is excessive with her needs: she can't be alone, she needs her partner's permission to do anything, and she gets highly upset when her partner isn't able to give her the emotional intimacy that she craves.
The first step is to break the deep fear that's associated with not getting your need fulfilled.
For example, let's say that you go everywhere with your partner because you can't bear to be alone. All you know is that you find safe when you're with him, and when you're alone your heart starts to beat faster and you panic. What are you afraid of happening to you? What is it about being alone that terrifies you so much?
You should know by now that the best way to get over the fear of anything is to stop running from it, turn around, and look at it squarely. You must do the same thing with your emotional needs.
Consider involving a partner, family member, or counselor. Often others can see us better than we see ourselves. Even better, they can offer us the support needed to be able to acknowledge our needs to ourselves without shame or embarrassment.
The second step is to be able to accept the fact that your needs may not end up getting fulfilled.
Just as we must learn to accept that we live in an imperfect world, so must we learn to accept that it's okay if, say, we feel the need for intimacy that our partner can't give us at the moment. We don't have to act out when we don't get it.
Similarly, it's not always bad to feel needy: perhaps your neediness is actually a valuable message prompting you to reach out and connect with someone.
But as long as you avoid looking too closely at your needs, you will continue to display "neediness" in more and more obtrusive ways.
And if you think that you have no emotional needs, then you're not simply an independent woman who's achieved an admirable level of self-sufficiency. Rather, you're deceiving yourself.
Too many wonderful women bury their needs in order to serve those around them or as a knee-jerk reaction to being let down too many times.
Open for Dicussion
 \mepod
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foureverlove
Daytona Beach, FL
age: 43
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Im going to be myself . good or bad . not put on a show or pretend im not feeling someting i am.
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jennyann68
Clarksville, AR
age: 65
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I am the most independant and yet dependant Lady so send out mixed signals
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julymorning07
Saint James, MO
age: 55
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I'm in a relationship with someone that isn't a bit tactile. I'm just the opposite. So much so that I welcome a pinch on the butt once in a while, just for the connection, lol.
Alot of the time I want him to reach over and take my hand so bad I could scream. Once in awhile I sneak my hand under his making some lame excuse but it feels so awkward I immediately withdraw. The only thing I can get away with is giving him a look that says "kiss me", which works, but isn't all that satisfying because it doesn't last long enough.
I am STARVED for affection and have been surpressing so much I may explode one of these days.
I re-direct and consider the affection need fullfilled during sex. So, I have never 'said no', no matter how I felt. Hm, is this like having snacks withheld so as not to ruin your appetite for dinner?
As far as the neediness to be with him, (he's absolutely no planner whatsoever, with me, his kids, or his Father. The squeeky wheel gets greased when the weekend comes. In order to keep from going nuts waiting for him to figure out what he's doing, I started going to his place at the beginning of the weekend and stay til after he leaves for work on Monday.
Guess it works okay for him, he calls me to let me know as soon as he's off work. (his Friday hours vary). Forget about me trying to keep busy so as not to think about it, I used to get so worked up and distracted I couldn't function if I wanted to.
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utahgal1
Ogden, UT
age: 49
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Good thread, Mepod. I was JUST starting to reassess my intentions/feelings, etc. I AM starved but yet I'm stubborn to show my emotions..........again, thanks for this thread. R
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