diamonddanrandy
Tampa, FL
41, joined Jan. 2009
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Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate Valentine's Day.
Posted: 2/9/2009 4:57:30 PM
Once upon a time, in a land not-so-far-away, there was a man named St. Valentine. He was an ambitious dude, a true entrepreneur, who found himself a little down on the luck, and was looking for work. While perusing the Sunday paper’s Help Wanted Ad’s he found one ad that piqued his interest, it read:
"Conglomerate greeting card company looking for excuse to rip off the American people. Want to convince them to give 'holiday' themed cards. Need holiday ideas. Pay based on experience. Apply in person, no phone calls please."
“I can do that,” St. Valentine said to himself. So he got on his white diaper pants, grabbed his bow and arrow and headed off to the card company to pitch his “holiday” theme, complete with hearts, glitter, and a plethora of pink and red.
Valentine’s Day, my favorite corporate consumer holiday! And I know what you’re thinking, “She’s just a bitter single girl who hates Valentine’s Day.” Well, let me tell you, you are SO right! But I feel the same way when I am in a couple. The question for me is not “What’s wrong with Valentine’s Day,” but “What’s right with it?” So, here they are, the top 10 reasons that I hate Valentine’s Day:
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Reason 1: Single vs. Relationship
Let’s get it over and talk about it, most people don’t like Valentine’s Day because they’re single. And it’s true, when your single Valentine’s Day can make you feel broken. As if there is something eternally wrong with you for not having true love on the day painted pink on the calendar. But if you’re in a relationship there is a can be an impeding sense of pressure as well. Valentine’s Day presents, the pressure causes a overwhelming sentiment that you’re future happiness rests on the selection of the perfect pink, red, or possible gold gift. And with the busy lives we all lead these days, who needs heart themed pressure?
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Reason 2: St. Valentine?
There is a date on the calendar named after him signifying love and devotion, people propose and get married on this day of bliss, heck Hallmark and chocolate companies make a killing on this day; and nobody even knows who this St. Valentine dude is! “The history of Valentine’s Day – and its patron saint – is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a moth of romance. St Valentine’s Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.” For all we know, he was a criminal lover who stole the hearts of women, a Don Juan of his time.
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Reason 3: The Gifts
Do you really need, or even want, another set of stuffed pink kissing dogs with hearts on their butts? I mean really, where are you going to put them? And a box of chocolates? That’s not going help you lose the 5 pounds you put on at Christmas. The mass marketing of cheep and pointless gifts to validate a sentiment of caring just seems ridiculous! If you love me, and want to do something nice, don’t buy me a monkey in chains that sings an Elvis Presley song. Cook me dinner and do the dishes, or take me to get my favorite desert, or rent that chick flick I really wanted to see and you know you’re going to hate. Do something because you want to, not because you have to. And please pass on the candy heart bouquet, sold for 10.99 at the local drug store!
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Reason 4: The Cards
They don’t make an ‘I-don’t-know-if-we’re-meant-to-be-I’ve-only-known-you-a-week’ card. If they did, I might change my mind about Valentine’s Day. I would also like to request a ‘I’m-a-Stalker’ card and an ‘I’m-only-giving-this-because-I-want-something-in-return’ card, I think those would be huge sellers! According to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines. 25%! Just think of the trees we could save if we eliminated Valentines Day.
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Reason 5: Chalk Hearts
You know what I’m referring too. The goofy little box of hearts that taste like sidewalk chalk with white confessions of love embossed on their florescent bodies. “Be Mine,” “I’m Yours,” “You’re Sweet,” and “Love.” Love? Do you really even like someone if you’re giving them chalk to eat? I would prefer an “It’s not you, it’s me” chalk heart, or a “We need to talk” heart. They seem more appropriate.
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Reason 6: Cupid’s Creepy!
A small boy in a diaper flying around shooting people with arrows? This dose not make me want to snuggle, it’s just creepy! What’s next, an old man in a red suit sliding down chimneys… oh… wait… But seriously, the whole idea of some pudgy progeny of Aphrodite shooting arrows at my heart, with the intention of construing a long and lasting relationship, it’s a little frightening.
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Reason 7: Roses Die
Is the shelling out of $49.95 for twelve fragrant sticks with (insert color here) petals, which will be dead in a week, and I will have to feel guilty over throwing away, really a sign of true love? Or should I take it as a showing of your feelings of our relationship, wilting and dieing quickly? Overpriced and overrated, need I say more?
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Reason 8: Halloween is a way better holiday
It is. You can’t argue with a holiday that does not exclude any group of people, requires strangers to give you candy, and allows people to free their inner child and dress up! So, if we start requiring couples to dress in matching diapers and pass out chocolate to single people, I may change my mind on Valentine’s Day, until then…
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Reason 9: Sappy love songs make me ill
The first few notes of “I Will Always Love You” can cause such an intense need to vomit that I find myself running for the nearest toilet while my skin starts to tingle and I break out in a rash. And who really wants to hear Celine Dion sing while Leo Decaprio sinks into the ocean? Kenny G will never be listed as one of my favorite artists, and I may be accused of having no soul, but sappy love songs make me ill.
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Reason 10: Love should be every day, not just one day a year
I have no snarky comments for this, it is what it is. Love should be every day. Not celebrated because the creepy diaper man says it’s time. And that’s my whole point, Valentines Day really is a mass marketed collection of pointless gifts that you are going to look at in two weeks and wonder which corner of your room you can hide it in, or simply throw it away. So, if you’re going to celebrate Singles Awareness Day, please make a memory, don’t buy a pointless, pressure filled, going to the landfill present.
What are the reasons you dislike, or like, Valentine’s Day?
Rock on.
CHEERS (DIAMOND DANDY RANDY)     
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