| 5/29/2008 4:55:44 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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second_chances
Chillicothe, OH
age: 41
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Ran into my brother in law today at the store. I surprised myself with how it made me feel afterwards. He's my ex's brother, who I haven't seen in a very long time.
Long story short - my ex had an affair and left my daughter in I in '05. He hasn't picked our daughter up one time, nor called me to simply ask if she's okay. None of his family has anything to do with her either.
A realization hit me today - well, it's been hitting me a lot lately - that I came so fiercely independent to take care of myself and my daughter, I never took the time to grieve for what I lost. It's almost like I blocked out my pain to put on a front that I was tough and could deal with anything. In reality, it put a wedge between my daughter and I because I became almost hard - I was the only parent in her life, and she was angry so I got the brunt of it all. I went back to college, worked 45-50 hour weeks and even though I thought I had focus, I never fully healed from the pain I had been dealt.
When I saw my brother in law today, it brought back so many memories. How I used to have a home in the country, a husband, a sense of belonging...I had a good life. I was a wife and mother who loved her family. My father-in-law and I were like best friends.....but how in the world does an entire family shun a child the way they have my daughter? That's a question I don't think I'll ever answer and I'm tired of trying to understand it. Knowing how they are now makes me really question them when I thought things were good.
But just that old, familiar feeling of 'what used to be' - oh my God - just really got to me.
No matter how you look at it, divorce sucks. It's made me question so much. I see how much I've missed out on, yet at the same time I was dealt a deck of cards that had to be shuffled. And no matter how hard I want to find reason, there never will be. I did what I had to do at the time and I hope one day my daughter will fully understand that one day. I sacrificed a lot over the past 3 years - and I love her to death - I'm just tired of feeling the guilt. He leaves - and I took on mountains of guilt. Add to that the stresses of bills and day to day life and I sometimes wonder how I'm here today.
It's taken me a while to see that I'm allowed to have fun - my daughter might get angry and look hard at me, but she needs to realize she's not a jealous boyfriend - I'm a better person when I'm happy and I haven't been happy in a while. Coming closer every day, but still working on it. And to do that, I need to keep making moves to do just that. Things shouldn't be so serious all the time........right? 
Sorry for the book - just wanted to get this out. Thanks for listening.
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| 5/29/2008 5:01:05 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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magtag
East York, ON
age: 41
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It sounds like you're doing some serious reflection and healing right now. You're well on your way to finding that happiness...the real GREAT kind...that comes from within one's self. Good for you! And keep at it, you'll get there! 
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| 5/29/2008 5:26:09 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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wileyguy
Wilkes Barre, PA
age: 37
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some things we will never know the answers to.you're definitely on the right track though.nobody ever said it would be easy.it makes us who we are today.huggss
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| 5/29/2008 5:39:27 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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hugsnlaughter
McKeesport, PA
age: 48 online now!
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I think you are definitely right on track, he left you, you have nothing to feel guilty about, in fact quite the opposite of being able to pull yourself up for you and your child. It's sad too that when there is a divorce, families take sides and forget that they are giving up possible daughter in law and grandchild over an issue that did not even concern them. They may come to regret that in the future.
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| 5/29/2008 5:47:04 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
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That's heavy man.
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| 5/29/2008 5:51:04 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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second_chances
Chillicothe, OH
age: 41
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Thanks for responding.
I guess that the comforts of marriage still stay with me. I can honestly say I do NOT miss the man - but the feelings of having someone in my life that I'm committed to.
All the old familiar stuff creeps back on occasion. I've tried to portray the tough woman that needs nobody, but I really do.
I miss the pride that goes into just simply saying the word 'husband'.
I like the line in that movie 'Under the Tuscan Sun' where she says you think divorce is going to kill you - but it doesn't. Just feels that way. But sometimes what even hurts more is realizing how you handled it - how you could have done things differently.
And honestly - I know I have some regrets - but I would never want to trade places with my ex. Nor his family. One day it's going to hit him what he's done - according to him, he feels it already - but that's a kind of regret I couldn't live with.
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| 5/29/2008 5:58:07 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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katsclown
Palm City, FL
age: 45
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well said and hits home for me.
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| 5/29/2008 6:06:37 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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shylywilling
Medford, OR
age: 47
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Remember that your daughter is going through the trauma also. Perhaps you can strengthen the bond between the two of you with a mutual grieving ceremony. Could be anything, like a dinner out together, but just make it a point to acknowledge a shared mutual trauma that you would like to also share healing from, together. Good luck and time might even provide a man friend to make it a partnership of three plus again.
[Edited 5/29/2008 6:10:15 PM]
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| 5/29/2008 6:12:17 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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usakindatheart
Overton, TX
age: 47
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you think that is bad... i do not know how old your daughter is, but daughters grow up, and that umbilical struggle between mother and daughter is ripping and ripping... and one of the things daughters do to get sympathy , is contact dear old dad, and he than comes back into the picture. and takes daughter (usually buys her lots of stuff, could also be car and college), and they go off into the sunset, with super great bonding...
and the mom who sacrificed all those years. well you are forgotten, given great sympathy about your emotional condition, that x and daughter has come up with over nite, and patted like a dog, you must humor her, she is just emotional, life is tough for her, crap one liners, that your daughter would of never thought up on her own, but
when dear old x, explains his..... reason for leaving you.... rebellious daughter believes his garbage, and then she takes it all to another level... and you are left holding the memories of many dirty diapers and butt, and rocking sleepy fussy feverish baby. Memories of always being the one to school functions, and getting her ready in morning, and holding her and loving her and kissing her boo boo's and fears away, telling her she is beautiful and she can grow up to be anything....
does she remember anything.... just barely.....
yea yea you gotta love the x's....
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| 5/29/2008 6:20:47 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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sircharles60
Wiltshire
United Kingdom
age: 60
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I will never understand how a man or a woman can leave their child/children and not want to still be a part of their lives. In my case my wife left 4 months after my son was born, I returned to my married quarters (I was in the forces) to find my son in his cot, no nappy, covered in faeces and a note explaining that our first child was not mine (stillborn) and that she was returning to the father of that child. My son and I never saw her again. It took me some time to get rid of the bitterness I can tell you. You sound like you are doing a great job and your daughter will eventually realise that she has a mother that really loves her.
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| 5/29/2008 6:29:59 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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maximumsun
Cumming, GA
age: 34
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I don't think you are being completely honest with yourself. I think your bother inlaw reminded you of your ex. You miss him. You believed that things should be different in your life especially with your ex and daughter. You want things the way they should have been and it hurts because things are in shambles. I'm not going to tell you its a terrible thing that he did without his side of the story - I've learned my lesson. Men don't just leave which seems contrary to a womans belief. We are very reluctant to say why we go.
Why do you think he did what he did?
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| 5/29/2008 6:32:26 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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shelly38
Slate Hill, NY
age: 38
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I feel your pain - I've been there.
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| 5/29/2008 6:37:01 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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drumrman
Belmont, MA
age: 43 online now!
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second.....
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| 5/29/2008 6:40:39 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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second_chances
Chillicothe, OH
age: 41
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Why do I think he did what he did? I'll give you his exact words..he was stupid.
But you know what? He may have done what he did...cheat on me - but how does that excuse his forgetting he has a child? Time comes a man has to be a man - grow a set and take care of his children. He's never done that yet. He may feel shame, but he willingly chose his path. So if he was man enough to cheat and leave, he could have damn well found the same kind of manpower to be a single father to his child.
And no - I do not miss the jerk. What I feel is like I had the choice made for me in the fact he cheated. I was in a competition and didn't even know it. There is no excuse for his actions. None whatsoever. But looking aside from the cheating - what has him being a father have to do with any of this? Being that he's such a coward and hides from his own kid tells me he at least knows his actions were deplorable.
And I'm being totally honest with myself because I was in the marriage. You were not. I'm honest in the fact that I miss the idea of marriage....but not the man. Never the man. I miss what I thought he was but never will be again. Again...the idea - not the man. 2 very different things.
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| 5/29/2008 6:48:39 PM |
Memories That Hit You Out of Nowhere |
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second_chances
Chillicothe, OH
age: 41
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Hi Drum!
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