| 10/12/2007 8:59:31 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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blessedbe101
North Tonawanda, NY
age: 22
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In the past couple years, I have been talking to this one person that I have met offline.
Let me introduce myself first, my name is sarah...and I'm kind of new to this site, but anybody who could help me would be great.
There is this guy:
we are the same age
we live an hour away from each other
he has no car
he has no money
he has no job.
what he thinks about me:
he thinks he's my soul mate
he thinks were going to get married one day.
he thinks that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives.
I've never felt the same way for him as he is for me.
I've helped him through his life, i pushed him to the limit, i bought him food, got him a job, got him medicade for doctors and pyschitrist(however you spell that lol)
I helped him get out of foster home, I helped by driving him all over the place for appointments.
He says he loves me, but I don't love him.
I've helped him out,and I see our relationship as a mother to son relationship...me being the mother and him being the son... but we really don't have a relationship, I see us as just friends.
How many times do you have to tell a person, that you are not interested in them and just want to be friends? i've told him 5 different times, but he just doesn't want to give up, and gets on his knees and pleads me to stay together.
would you feel guilty, searching for other people to hang out with or to try to find a serious relationship when this is happening?
How do you gain a relationship out of what I just described? Its all very confusing.
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| 10/12/2007 9:04:47 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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cutencuddls
Hopewell, VA
age: 38
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You have been his "savior" so he has fallen in love with you. No, I would not feel guilty going on with my life, but then again, women tend to feel guilty anytime someone they care about is hurt by something they say or do no matter how honest it is.
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| 10/12/2007 9:09:34 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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boomer420s
Plains, MT
age: 25
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Drop him. Just drop him.
Sounds to me like he is a bum. It is not hard to get a job.
McDonald's hires anybody.
If you tell him you want to be friends, and he doesn't comply, that is the first sign of him wanting to control you.
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| 10/12/2007 9:13:31 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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dg1260
Galion, OH
age: 46
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Sarah!
Welcome!
I guess you need to be careful. You have nurtured this person and I think that is great. I think you have to hold firm as you really don't want that kind of future with him. Please be careful. I don't know this guy, but seeing how he is quite dependent on you and you've been a big part of his life, he may do something stupid when he really understands no means no.
Be safe.
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| 10/12/2007 9:24:38 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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boomer420s
Plains, MT
age: 25
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I agree.
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| 10/12/2007 9:30:56 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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tex4806
Anderson, IN
age: 59
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Sarah, call the local Army recruiter and give the recruiter the name and phone number to your friend. If he has "Co-dependency," needs then the Army will help him.
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| 10/12/2007 9:52:11 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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nicrkitty36
Lake Worth, FL
age: 36
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sometimes its hard to let go.....but it is time.....he maybe needy...but you must live your own life......you care for him but you are not in love with him.....let go...gently...but let go.....YOU deserve more.....been there done that.....good luck girl...
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| 10/12/2007 10:03:00 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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theviking
Dahlonega, GA
age: 54
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I have been in a past relationship where it started out that we were independent and in love to one being where she was totally dependent on me for her survival...I loved her as a friend, but was not in-love anymore...because of my caring heart, I didn't kick her to the curb when the chips were down...yes I do have a heart for those less fortunate
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| 10/13/2007 3:16:03 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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gawd
Appleton, WI
age: 53
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I agree with Tex totally..there are codependent issues..
no job
no money
no car
and he relies on you and your doing him a disservice by allowing it
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| 10/13/2007 7:11:49 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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telula
Orangeburg, NY
age: 40
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I think you answered your own question, you don't feel the same. Being upfront and honest is always to best policy, you have a HUGE heart and God blessed you with such, but don't settle for something you don't want wholeheartedly. If you want just friendship let it be that and nothing more. Follow your heart.
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| 10/13/2007 7:42:26 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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exfirefighter
Inverness, FL
age: 55
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Run as fast as you can!
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| 10/13/2007 8:20:15 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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blessedbe101
North Tonawanda, NY
age: 22
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i've been his friend, i've done everything for him, and I'm finally moving on with my life right now. I got a full time job recently and that will be taking me away for a lot of time. I kind of figured slowly, but surely...i am disintegrating the relationship where I do not see him at all and just talk on the phone once in a while. once I go away to school and everything, to get my bachelors degree, I think he will get the point. i mean yes, in a way i feel guilty, but in a way I don't...because my job is done, I helped him get everything that he wants... but the thing that exists is that his dad is an alcolohic and suprisingly, he went to rehab and hes much better. but the mere fact, that i have to yell kick and scream more then i have to, to get my point across is getting very tiring. Thanks for your advice, it really helps!!!
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| 10/13/2007 8:21:06 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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blessedbe101
North Tonawanda, NY
age: 22
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thanks I appreciate your help 
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| 10/13/2007 8:25:39 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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mag11
New Port Richey, FL
age: 38 online now!
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Sarah I always liked that name lol. Anyways,If you dont want to date this guy or your not in love with him{whichI'm sure you can do alot better}YOU HAVE TO CUT THE TIES NOW!!! Forget it this guy doesnt seem like he wants to change anyways. Good Luck. Mike
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| 10/13/2007 8:28:22 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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telula
Orangeburg, NY
age: 40
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Congrats on you getting your life together. Relationships shouldn't be draining !
You have nothing to feel guilty about....you did waaay more than a lot of people would have done for anyone ! You have a good heart and will be rewarded for it sometime soon, guaranteed ! LOL
We all have to put ourselves first from time to time, don't feel guilty !
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| 10/13/2007 8:36:31 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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holdinpanama
Panama City, FL
age: 44
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you said its mother and son relationship well you have put him in a direction to where he should be able to take of himself.I think you have been a true friend to this person or is it that you felt sorry for him either way you did something that alot of people would have said fend for yourself and kicked him to the curve.you may have to quit talking to him all together.I just worry about your safety and hope that you have some form of protection.If he doesn't want to here what you are saying and finally realizes that you want nothing to do with him he might fly off the handle.Keep your guard up at all times.just be careful.
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| 10/13/2007 10:24:37 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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onlyforyou44
Helena, MT
age: 62 online now!
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Sarah: You are a beautiful young lady, dont wasit you life on a loser. Trust me your life will pass fast enough, so go out and find someone that can give you a happy and secure life. BUT TAKE IT SLOW and make sure he's the one. 
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| 10/13/2007 12:04:15 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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53lady
Jacksonville, FL
age: 53
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Welcome to DH and "Hi" Sarah!
I agree with everyone, you have done your best, no need to feel guilty at all.
We are curious though, are you worried at all, if this man, out of deperation to "keep" you, could "snap" and hurt you??? If you have any feelings along these lines, do be careful, and maybe try to have other friends watch out for you, to insure your safety.
Good luck in your education and your future! 
NBS JMO
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| 10/13/2007 8:26:35 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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blessedbe101
North Tonawanda, NY
age: 22
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It's not him that i'm worried about, ok well maybe a little bit... but I know that some people have quite the tendency to inherit or go after their fathers footsteps so to speak. like his dad was an alcoholic, my so called "friend" used to drink a little bit, but he doesnt do that anymore. its his dad that kind of scares me. ;( because he used to be an alcoholic and he has this thing where he thinks that me and him will be together forever. when thats not the case. im glad for your concern, a couple of my friends are like stop helping him stop hanging out with him. and actually now that I finally got a new job and a new life, turning over the leaf so to speak... im ready for bigger and better challenges in life and to move on. so kind of in a way. slowly... but surely, im easing off the situation and eventually once i go back to school, like i said before I will be moving out of my house and into much bigger things and meet new people. its like riding a bike for the first time, i'm nervous. but I know that it will be for the best...and if he keeps on hounding me after that...then ill probably call the police or something. I guess I just felt like I had to do something, I know sometimes I can be toooo nice, but sometimes i can be a b*tch too everybodys like that though in the world. but everybody has their different sides to them. so yes, to answer a couple of questions, I am nervous .. and wow, yes i am writing a lot here..jeepers. lol but I think I finally have a handle on the situation, and I know what the next step must be. i don't want to be a b*tch or anything and just stop calling him and the whole enchilada...but what else can i do? i tried breaking it off 5 different times!!! I think that would have been enough
[Edited 10/13/2007 8:28:28 PM]
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| 10/13/2007 10:19:20 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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nonickname49
Belchertown, MA
age: 57
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Its one thing to help someone, but he needs to learn to help himself and
you have done all you can and actually to do more would simply make unable
to care for himself
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| 10/14/2007 12:44:22 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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littlelilly2
Sturgeon Bay, WI
age: 46
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Sounds like you are soul mates on a friendship level.Ive also known men whom Ive helped out & its become a confusion to them that I could be so kind with out being in love with them. Puts a real strain on the freindship when you are always trying to not mislead them! All you can really do is tell him that and hope he can handle it or loose your friendship entirely. Best of luck kind soul! ~Lilly~
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| 10/14/2007 1:18:33 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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yankeeluvspeach
Athens, GA
age: 28
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welcome to DHU blessed I posted a poem on my blog (under the title "a lesson for everyone" or somthing like that. )in my profile that might be worth printing out and reminding yourself of from time to time. I agree with Lilly. I've got a friend that is a woman I've known since highschool. She is the one I run to when I really need to get something off my chest and vice versa. We are platonic soul mates. Initially she had a crush on me, but I wasn't attracted to her, so I told her that I just wanted to be friends and hoped she could respect that. She was smart enough to not jeopardize the relationship in order to fit it into what she wanted it to be. She's married now and her husband is a great guy. Loves her like she deserves. If for some reason, this guy feels you pulling away and does start getting too clingy, my suggestion would be to get a third party involved, (i.e. shrink, mutual friend) as when you've made it clear to him, albeit gently, in front of another person, that you care about him, but not in the way he wants, he has no choice but to acknowledge that. If it does come to that, make sure this is done in a very controlled environment and not necessarily a public place. Addictions can as you seem to be hinting at, morph sources. His Dad's poison may be booze, his might be unhealthy dependant relationships. He's moving in the right direction towards healthiness or what they call good mental hygene, but needs to make sure he doesn't get tripped up in something else. Remind him that he's made some good choices but that he has more work to do. Wish himself and you best of luck from anonymous people off the web. Sounds like he's had a hard road to start but you gave him a fighting chance. Now it's his turn to take up the reins. Also realize that there might be a risk for yourself, of searching out or at least selecting so called "needy" people. It's ok to help people, but we all deserve a healthy partner. Absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.
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| 10/14/2007 1:26:58 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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mishkabacci
Duncansville, PA
age: 42
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definitely not a healthy relationship...if he tries to be persistant you may need to let go and let him fend for himself... you need to push him out of your nest...
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| 10/14/2007 1:28:19 AM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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smilingguy76
Denver, CO
age: 49
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Your situation sounds very simple....move on unless you want to be the "mom" in that relationship!
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| 10/14/2007 8:09:39 PM |
questioning relationship!?!?!? help |
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blessedbe101
North Tonawanda, NY
age: 22
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well, i can tell you one thing. im not giving up and im really going to try to get a handle on this situation. and if that doesn't work. then im going to have to bring it to the next level. by bringing a counselor with me or a good friend with me and try to make them understand where im coming from.
But recently,
I had called him and his dad picked up the phone. He started talking to me and telling me that he loves me as a person and told me that if he was my age that he would try to keep me hostage so to speak and never let go. that kind of scares me you know? man im getting shivers just thinking about it.
But he told me that he needed to talk to me in person. he needed to talk to me and mike. and im a little bit nervous. because he was telling me on the phone, that he was sick, and he made it seem like he was going to have a heart attack and die or something. but i think that he is just saying that for a sympathy trip.
He wants me to "take care" of mike for him. he wants me to move into the house with him, when im thinking in my head hell NO. but seriously, im not going down to that place alone for crap. im always going to bring somebody with me.
This situation is getting to dirty for my liking and I am hoping to end this once and for all this week. pray for me people please pray. even if your not the religous type...give me some sign of hope that i can end this nonsense.
Again, Thank you for all the advice that you have been giving me.
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