| 2/18/2009 2:09:27 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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achange
Oak Forest, IL
36, joined Feb. 2009
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If you get into a relationship with a person who previously has kids and over time develop a bond with those children, is it right after a break-up to still interact or/and communicate with them?
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| 2/18/2009 2:13:22 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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bryneyes0104
Milwaukee, WI
41, joined Dec. 2008
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That is entirely up to everyone involved. After my last divorce, I've keep contact and allow his daughter to come over and spend the night at my house. She and my daughters are friends and I of course still love her..she's a child! But, of course, that only works if everyone involved agrees.
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| 2/18/2009 2:15:14 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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nightwings
Gainesville, FL
50, joined Jan. 2009
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Yep, I'm still tight w/ 'my' boy 6 years after the breakup....of course, I'm still tight w/ the mom too. Give it time to level out & just tell the kids you're there for them & that you love them. It'll be cool if you are.
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| 2/18/2009 2:20:22 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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followurdreams2
Ridgeland, MS
47, joined Dec. 2008
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I think it would be good for the kids to keep in contact with them as long as everyone can be civil about it and it's done for the right reasons. Definitely no negativity should be shown toward the partner that you ended the relationship with, just keep it positive. And by all means don't do it to try to keep tabs on the former partner either.
[Edited 2/18/2009 2:20:55 PM ]
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| 2/18/2009 2:42:43 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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saphyrefaery13
Greenbrier, TN
40, joined Feb. 2009
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Maybe I misunderstood but I thought you said the kids were not yours. I think it is a bad idea if you are not going to stay involved. The kids and mother need to move on if you are not going to be a part of their life. I think it would be setting them up for hurt if you continue to tease them but this is JMO.
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| 2/18/2009 2:46:55 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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slowhand31
South Pittsburg, TN
38, joined Dec. 2008
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Maybe I misunderstood but I thought you said the kids were not yours. I think it is a bad idea if you are not going to stay involved. The kids and mother need to move on if you are not going to be a part of their life. I think it would be setting them up for hurt if you continue to tease them but this is JMO.
It's a tease at all. I was in a situation where I was with a woman for over 8 years... She had a son from a previous relationship, who was only 7 when I met him. I love that boy as though he were my own. I know how hard it is to make the choice to either try to maintain a relationship with kids that aren't yours, or to cut the ties. Sure it might not ideal, but you can't help who you love, your kid or not, a bond does develope.
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| 2/18/2009 2:52:04 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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evileddy
Ottawa, ON
43, joined Jan. 2008
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Hell no.. I don't talk to them during the relationship.
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| 2/18/2009 3:14:25 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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808_sm
Honolulu, HI
48, joined Mar. 2008
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If the kids are young, I would slowly cut ties with them, within let say a three month period. Now if we are talking about a teenage boy, (if a girl, stay clear away), but if the child is teenage boy(s), then I would mentor him as a big brother if everyone involved was okay with it. Ball games, fishing, surfing, any activity a boy would be interested in. But all my visits would be for specific events. I couldn't see myself just picking him up just to hang out. Unless the mother needed me to watch him, while she went on vacation or something.
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| 2/18/2009 4:14:11 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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awakeing
Walled Lake, MI
43, joined Mar. 2008
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I honestly don't have any advice to offer because I haven't been
in a relationship since their dad. My dating as of yet hasn't led
to anyone even meeting my boys or daughter.
Personally I'm scared of something like that. They already lost
their dad...well sort of...I hope you can understand what I am saying.
I know my son craves having a man around and he'd love to have a guy
to guy stuff with so as a mentor that would be awesome. So many young
men are starving for male guidance into manhood.
My fear is the loss. How painful it would be to lose another man in
his life. I'm just as torn as you.
One part of me says yes the child deserves love and a relationship of his
own even when you don't love the mother. The other part of me says No.
It's really not a wise thing to start.
Just the other day my new neighbor was leaving in his uniform and my
son (I know dying for a hero) asks him are in you in the Air force?
The guy said No I'm in the Army, and you (called him by his name)
need to put your coat back on.
Well my son comes running into the house crying telling how cool it
was that a "hero" knew his name with tears just streaming down his face.
Just be a responsible man with whatever you choose by being honest
that you are willing to either maintain that relationship for life
or if you know you can't walk away now and don't break the kid's heart
even more.
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| 2/18/2009 4:16:20 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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bry11ca
Irving, TX
51, joined Feb. 2008
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It doesn;t sound like a good idea to me. 
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| 2/18/2009 4:18:03 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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father2be
Meriden, CT
51, joined Jan. 2009
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NO! It's completely inappropriate. Move on!
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| 2/18/2009 4:25:50 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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honestami
Ravenna, OH
60, joined Dec. 2008
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Children don't ask to become involved with their parents partners,,it happens though. Sometimes they are glad when the breakup happens and other times they are more affected than the adults. I would say if the children were truly emotionaly attached and the two partners were adults,it would be a good thing for them to stay in eachothers lifes and to know they are not at fault for the breakup...
[Edited 2/18/2009 4:48:50 PM ]
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| 2/18/2009 4:35:07 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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lilmissala1957
Hartselle, AL
58, joined Dec. 2008
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I had a step daughter once and I am going to tell you it didn't bother me that the dad and I were splitting but it nearly killed me to leave that girl. It was not a situation where I could keep in contact. He already had another girlfriend and moved it with her right away. So it was supposedly best for me to let her try to bond with that future step mom.
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| 2/18/2009 5:25:10 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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hsprin
Savannah, MO
40, joined Jan. 2009
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I don't see a problem with it. It all depends on the people and the relationship. Also the age of the children I think too.
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| 2/18/2009 5:32:12 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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jesse72
Livingston, MT
43, joined Nov. 2008
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NO!!! Just creates problems.
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| 2/18/2009 5:35:33 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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122750again
Sioux Falls, SD
65, joined Dec. 2008
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Depends on the kids, how old they are when you came into their lives, how old they are when you exitSometimes you are better off just exiting and never look back
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| 2/18/2009 5:54:06 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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ladyeden
Waynesville, MO
56, joined Apr. 2008
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Would think it would depend on how thier legal parent felt about it.
Certainly wouldn't think it would be a good idea on the sly.
Let the parent know if you would welcome continued contact - they won't know what you want or are open to either if it's not discussed.
Children are people too. They do get attached, form bonds beyond blood.
Arbitrarily shutting doors on those feeling just because of a breakup might not be the best way to go - but it's the parent's ultimate say in the matter.
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| 2/18/2009 6:49:59 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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barbaraajo
Reston, VA
59, joined Jul. 2008
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That depends on the situation.....
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| 2/19/2009 9:03:42 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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nunbttr
Middletown, OH
69, joined Apr. 2008
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That depends on the situation.....
I'm willing to leave it up to the kids. My exes older daughter just called to let me know she is pregnant. Anything she needs, that I can help with, it's hers. And I told her that.
Her brother is still in high school. I miss the Hell out of him. His mom's new bf doesn't want him talking to me. (insecure) But, if he calls, and needs help, I'm there. And everyone else can f**k off. It's between me and him.
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| 2/19/2009 9:30:07 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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katrinasq
Mena, AR
47, joined Jul. 2008
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I think it depends on several things, the first of which is the desire of you and the kids to keep in touch. The ex would have to agree and be ok with it. The other parent, new s/o is irrelevent. This issue is between you, the kids, and the ex. Now, if spending time with the kids is causing more drama about the breakup, etc, that's not healthy, and you should move on, but if all the adults behave as adults, I don't see why it would be a problem, especially if the kids are older and you lived with them or spent a significant amount of time with them.
I have a friend that married a lady with a son that lived with them. He never had any kids himself, and was very close to the boy for several years. After they divorced, she wouldn't let him see the boy, and he was devestated. He said it was like the boy had died in a car accident to him. He truly grieved the loss, and I imagine the boy did, too.
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| 2/19/2009 10:17:05 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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maryg2
Philadelphia, PA
46, joined Oct. 2008
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nope, my ex doesnt allow for me to have contact w/his son anymore and its pretty sad when we spent 9 yrs together and its like that. i would still have liked to say hi to his son and just be cordial and courteous. but u have to know the way my ex thinks and acts and it would be understood. and we had a very bad bitter break-up so needless to say it laid a foundation of how things were to be.
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| 2/19/2009 10:24:42 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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lil_hillbilly
Soddy Daisy, TN
51, joined Jul. 2008
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Absolutely YES....My ex-husband dropped off his kids(by his ex) with me ...as he left to go and Die w/ 19 brain tumors...I later had to fight their mom ....But I won FULL CUSTODY!!!! Love the kids !!!  Do what is right!!!!
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| 2/21/2009 8:15:05 AM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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ilvstlrs2
New Church, VA
44, joined Feb. 2009
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It really depends on the age of the kids, the length of time the relationship lasted, and the feelings of the parties involved. There's no set answer. I've seen a situation where a man kept a close relationship with a child for many years after the relationship with the mother was over.
The first man I got serious with after I split up with my kids' dad became very close with my kids. We were together for 3 years, lived together for 1 year, he was really good with them and they adored him. After he left (for another woman), the kids were so distraught I had them seeing a counselor for a while. At his (the guy, not the therapist)request, I let him come by and see the kids once in a while. They would get really excited to see him, but after he left they'd cry as if he had just left us all over again. It was horrible. I allowed it to continue for as long as their therapist said it was helping them. As soon as she said they didn't need it anymore, I cut off contact. He was upset, but I had to do what was best for the kids.
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| 2/21/2009 8:59:43 AM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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msbevzie
Oregon, OH
52, joined Aug. 2008
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I honestly don't have any advice to offer because I haven't been
in a relationship since their dad. My dating as of yet hasn't led
to anyone even meeting my boys or daughter.
Personally I'm scared of something like that. They already lost
their dad...well sort of...I hope you can understand what I am saying.
I know my son craves having a man around and he'd love to have a guy
to guy stuff with so as a mentor that would be awesome. So many young
men are starving for male guidance into manhood.
My fear is the loss. How painful it would be to lose another man in
his life. I'm just as torn as you.
One part of me says yes the child deserves love and a relationship of his
own even when you don't love the mother. The other part of me says No.
It's really not a wise thing to start.
Just the other day my new neighbor was leaving in his uniform and my
son (I know dying for a hero) asks him are in you in the Air force?
The guy said No I'm in the Army, and you (called him by his name)
need to put your coat back on.
Well my son comes running into the house crying telling how cool it
was that a "hero" knew his name with tears just streaming down his face.
Just be a responsible man with whatever you choose by being honest
that you are willing to either maintain that relationship for life
or if you know you can't walk away now and don't break the kid's heart
even more.
AWWWW I read this and it just gave me goosebumps!
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| 2/21/2009 9:10:17 AM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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ilvstlrs2
New Church, VA
44, joined Feb. 2009
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I honestly don't have any advice to offer because I haven't been
in a relationship since their dad. My dating as of yet hasn't led
to anyone even meeting my boys or daughter.
Personally I'm scared of something like that. They already lost
their dad...well sort of...I hope you can understand what I am saying.
I know my son craves having a man around and he'd love to have a guy
to guy stuff with so as a mentor that would be awesome. So many young
men are starving for male guidance into manhood.
My fear is the loss. How painful it would be to lose another man in
his life. I'm just as torn as you.
One part of me says yes the child deserves love and a relationship of his
own even when you don't love the mother. The other part of me says No.
It's really not a wise thing to start.
Just the other day my new neighbor was leaving in his uniform and my
son (I know dying for a hero) asks him are in you in the Air force?
The guy said No I'm in the Army, and you (called him by his name)
need to put your coat back on.
Well my son comes running into the house crying telling how cool it
was that a "hero" knew his name with tears just streaming down his face.
Just be a responsible man with whatever you choose by being honest
that you are willing to either maintain that relationship for life
or if you know you can't walk away now and don't break the kid's heart
even more.
Sounds like something my boy would do, too. He actually asked me to get a boyfriend so he could have a dad! Talk about breaking my heart! (And pressure!)
[Edited 2/21/2009 9:10:55 AM ]
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| 2/21/2009 9:20:11 AM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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devildog1965
Lexington, SC
50, joined Mar. 2008
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I think it depends on the brake-up.
A few years ago I broke up with someone do to her addiction, and she had a son, hadn't seen him in 7years and ya know he still called me dad.. Man talk about pulling at your heart strings..
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| 2/21/2009 11:47:34 AM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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foxy_woman_49
Omaha, NE
57, joined Nov. 2007
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why would you not..no excuse
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| 2/21/2009 11:50:41 AM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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foxy_woman_49
Omaha, NE
57, joined Nov. 2007
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Sounds like something my boy would do, too. He actually asked me to get a boyfriend so he could have a dad! Talk about breaking my heart! (And pressure!)
happens every time...heart breaking...I've 3 boys
went through that with my oldest son..makes ya cry
I know I have more tears to shed when this happens again as it will
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| 2/21/2009 2:29:14 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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katrinasq
Mena, AR
47, joined Jul. 2008
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My son's best friend is 14, and has had it rough most of his life. His biological mom is a welfare mom with 7 kids, 2 of which are grown. His dad did not think the baby was his when she was pregnant and they broke up because she cheated so much. He only found out that he was the dad for sure because DHS required the FOUR potential dad's take DNA tests so they could collect support, but the mom created drama to keep him from having much contact with him. Eventually, her drinking and drug use got her kids placed in foster care. When dad found out, he and his wife took steps to get full custody, and have had him the last 3 years. The biological mom can have no contact with any of the minors by court order, and he calls the step mom "mom". The dad and step mom just divorced, and the dad moved 2 hours away with my son's friend. Turns out that the dad is an alcoholic, and was occasionally, but regularly abusive to the step mom. He seems to be using his son to try and get her back now by saying he is cutting off all ties with her, and that includes not letting her see the boy anymore, saying it's best for everyone to have a fresh start.
I disagree. I think if the kids want to have a relationship with a former step parent, and here's the important part, if the person is a positive influence on the child they should be allowed to spend time together, especially if they live fairly close. Obviusly, if there was abuse, alcoholism, drug use, etc, a clean break is best. In the case above, that is not the case. There are just too many people that use their kids as weapons against their exes. I thank God that my ex and I are not that way.
[Edited 2/21/2009 2:30:05 PM ]
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| 2/21/2009 4:47:52 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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linkitty
Bozeman, MT
60, joined Sep. 2008
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It really does depend on the situation, my step daughter is 18 years old now, lives with her mother in MA, her father lives here in MT with his new girlfriend. I have stayed in touch with Kris, and she's going to come visit me this summer. I think I'm the only person that's ever shown her love and respect. It's a sad situation, but when it comes to her, yes she's always welcome in my life. 
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| 2/21/2009 4:56:13 PM |
But the kids aren't yours...do you still talk after break-up? |
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atouchoftink
Palmetto, GA
60, joined Jan. 2009
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I personally don't think it's right. I was in that situation for 6 months and decided it wasn't working out but her father quickly let me know if I didn't click with him I couldn't click with her... So I'm not clicking with either... A lot of people use their children as pawns in a game...
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