How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?

7/6/2009 10:01:32 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
skipjoe Tulare, SD 59, joined Sep. 2007	The book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus indicates that men go into "caves" when they need to sort through their feelings etc. while women tend to want to be closer to the person they care about. How can a woman know if the man she cares about just needs to be in a cave to sort through his issues or if he is no longer interested in a relationship so he is using the woman for a past-time? From what the book mentions, the cave dwelling may take weeks. I would rather move on if the man would rather not have a relationship, but I do not want to throw away someone who just needs time. Some people will not be honest about their feelings. How can you tell? Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
7/6/2009 10:15:37 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
reknewd Bedford, TX 40, joined Jun. 2009	do what my most recent ex did... nag nag nag him until he comes out of the cave so you can talk and figure out what's up. no wait... i resented her for that. never mind.
7/6/2009 11:09:50 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
peteredout Valencia, CA 63, joined Mar. 2009	If your man requires weeks to sort through his feelings about you, (or anything else for that matter) then he's not very much in touch with his feelings to begin with. A two week disappearing act, to me, would be a sure sign the relationship is doomed. Man-cave time is for working out a problem. We guys don't really talk that much to our guy friends about our problems... and God knows you women won't let us keep girl friends (not girlfriends) that we can talk with... when you KNOW another woman's insight might very well help us. Anyway... back to the timing issue... assuming the poor schlub's left to work things out on his own... and assuming he hasn't caught you in bed with his brother, or sister - i.e. it's a normal type of problem... Man-cave time should be three day's max. After that, it's Wussie-cave time... the guy's avoiding you.
7/6/2009 11:30:30 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
avalondreams Poulsbo, WA 56, joined Jun. 2009	One thing I have noticed about men is that they think about things better while at work, at the gym or out and about doing other things. I have often been surprised when a man has come back to me and offered his thoughts about something I've said, and I thought he had blown me off. I think sometimes women can nag and nag and drive a man away. Many women don't know when to back off and be quiet. If women could learn when to back off sooner, men wouldn't disappear into their "caves" -- never to be seen or heard from again. The sooner I back off, the more likely a man will reappear. Man OR Woman, it never works to browbeat anyone. Leave the "door ajar", and the light on, so they can find their way home. I am not talking about extreme cases of "shutting down", just the ordinary "cave-dweller".
7/7/2009 3:13:37 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
awakeing Walled Lake, MI 43, joined Mar. 2008	I think he did explain cave time as the "rubber band" effect. Let him be and once he gets far enough away from you he'll "snap" back like a rubber band. I do think this only happens with emotionally immature men. I don't think emotionally strong and mature men need the pull/snap method in a relationship. It's always better to let a man go than to stay and keep working on things. That only leaves you tired and drained and him not liking you because you turned into a nag while doing the work he can't or won't.
7/7/2009 4:57:28 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
nek711 Mechanic Falls, ME 61, joined Jan. 2009	I'm a cave dweller, it's where I go to reload. After two, maybe three days I'm OK. But I've never entered the cave to settle a concern in a relationship. I do that before.
7/7/2009 5:16:08 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
fun2day4us Mentor, OH 52, joined May. 2009	I disagree with some of that..I am a lady that needs "time out" to sort through my feelings...I think all of us need to do that periodically~ If my sweetie needs time...though it may be hard for me because I am not struggling at the time...I think it can be beneficial to step back for a moment or two...or however long it may take~ If two people want to be together and one is having an issue with something but uncertain how to describe it or talk about it...give them their space .... the return may be very well worth it
7/7/2009 5:23:24 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
sea__1 Mesa, AZ 63, joined Jun. 2009	To a certain degree would I let him have his space....So he could use that space for any excuse anytime he wanted to???...I don't think so....we all get into a funk at times buttttttt..............Sea
7/7/2009 9:12:10 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
amore1969 Bronx, NY 46, joined Jun. 2009	Men are disconnected and live in caves.
7/7/2009 5:58:28 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
skipjoe Tulare, SD 59, joined Sep. 2007	Quote from peteredout: Man-cave time is for working out a problem. We guys don't really talk that much to our guy friends about our problems... and God knows you women won't let us keep girl friends (not girlfriends) that we can talk with... when you KNOW another woman's insight might very well help us. Sorry that your God knows us women won't let you keep girl friends that you can talk with. Actually, I prefer the man to be able to talk with whomever he feels a need to talk to. However, so far I find out that eventually talking becomes something else -- therefore, I totally understand why some women get so jealous. I have been told that I am too giving -- even by the men I try to be with. Sounds to me like I am also willing to give men too much time to decide if they want a relationship. At my age, time becomes more precious. I do not want to waste it on a player or someone who is so out of touch with himself that he may never know what he wants. Thanks for your input.
7/7/2009 7:26:14 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
wsprs0nthewind Powell, TN 51, joined Mar. 2009	I see myself going into a cave when I am facing adverse situations. I don't draw closer to people, I isolate from them.
7/7/2009 7:34:20 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
nunbttr Middletown, OH 69, joined Apr. 2008	I've been in this cave, by myself, for too damn long now. When I get out, I'm blowing up the entrance, so I can't get back in.
7/7/2009 9:36:31 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
cinthianna01 Goshen, IN 96, joined Mar. 2009	There isn't a way to tell. People are at the mercy of others if they permit themselves to be. There is no way any of us know what "he" is thinking, feeling or going through. That's just not possible. So, the only option available is to ask him, if he can't give you the answer you want or an answer at all...then, the ball is in your court and you have a choice to make.
7/8/2009 3:14:02 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
ironmuscle Santa Cruz, CA 40, joined Jun. 2008	Quote from avalondreams: One thing I have noticed about men is that they think about things better while at work, at the gym or out and about doing other things. I have often been surprised when a man has come back to me and offered his thoughts about something I've said, and I thought he had blown me off. I think sometimes women can nag and nag and drive a man away. Many women don't know when to back off and be quiet. If women could learn when to back off sooner, men wouldn't disappear into their "caves" -- never to be seen or heard from again. The sooner I back off, the more likely a man will reappear. Man OR Woman, it never works to browbeat anyone. Leave the "door ajar", and the light on, so they can find their way home. I am not talking about extreme cases of "shutting down", just the ordinary "cave-dweller". Good observation.....................I'm the same way. Depending on the situation, time at the gym, playing some pool, or a nice cruise in the Stang will give me the space and focus to give more thought to the situation. Some things will require more time. My ex wanted to discuss marriage one time and I needed A LOT of time to think about it............but she continued to pester me about it, eventually giving me an ultimatum.....................of course she didn't like my answer.
7/8/2009 3:57:00 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
th6231 Point Pleasant Beach, NJ 68, joined Jul. 2007	One of the biggest parts of a relationship is COMMUNICATIONS--In the beginning you BOTH should get a good idea about how much each of you will communicate about anything. If you pay attention, you usually will get an indication from the amount of chat--the spirit that the chat is given---eventually you should know if the person feels like talking--or just has other things on their mind. Men and women differ greatly on these issues---and it takes a while to learn tolerance and understanding about each other. Where a person's mind goes when it is preoccupied--might be called a cave--but it simply means that a person is thinking about something else and busy for a while. We all get busy--men AND women !! I think men also need to give some observation about their women--sometimes a woman may not feel like talking. If you cannot gauge the attention a person is giving--then you aren't looking properly. There is no DEFINITE answer to this--everyone is an individual--and the answers vary from person to person. If I have a bad day at work--and am just worn out physically and mentally--or I have a lot to think about--I may appreciate some quiet time---but YOU WILL KNOW when I am back and ready to communicate normally. There are so many facets to having a successful relationship. These little nuances are a part of it. [Edited 7/8/2009 3:57:40 AM ]
7/8/2009 8:07:37 AM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
tryagaindj68 Evansville, IN 47, joined Aug. 2008	While I'm not a guy, I used to hop in the car and fly around the loop (on the interstate going around San Antonio) until the exhilaration blew the anger out of my system. My then-boyfriend was spending far too much time online chatting with other women, but attempts at conversation led to him puffing up self-righteously and calling me insecure. He has since joined a church, so he has lots of people to hug and pat each other on the back for being such fine, upstanding members of society. Meanwhile, I'm staying busy with things (and people) that really matter. As for the cave...hey, we all need a release every now and then.
7/8/2009 6:48:31 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
flygirl11 Aberdeen, SD 57, joined Mar. 2009	Perhaps if you read another book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in Touch, this might put some light on your question. I starting reading this book 9 years ago and never finished it when I divorced my ex-husband, then just last week I picked it up and started from the beginning (not a very large literary read) and finished it within a couple of hours (only to be picked up now and again to refresh what is shared in it.) Hope that helps you, good luck in your endeavors!
7/8/2009 6:53:19 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
peteredout Valencia, CA 63, joined Mar. 2009	Quote from skipjoe: Sorry that your God knows us women won't let you keep girl friends that you can talk with. Actually, I prefer the man to be able to talk with whomever he feels a need to talk to. However, so far I find out that eventually talking becomes something else -- therefore, I totally understand why some women get so jealous. So you agree with me... but won't admit it. I literally STATE on my profile that I have friends who are women... jealous people need not apply. I have been told that I am too giving -- even by the men I try to be with. Sounds to me like I am also willing to give men too much time to decide if they want a relationship. At my age, time becomes more precious. I do not want to waste it on a player or someone who is so out of touch with himself that he may never know what he wants. Thanks for your input. Like I said, three days is plenty.
7/8/2009 8:30:36 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
skipjoe Tulare, SD 59, joined Sep. 2007	I can find a reason to agree with almost anyone -- I just have a hard time knowing when to let go. I'd like to think people over 40 are mature enough to stand up for what they beleive in and to say what they want regarding a relationship. I am so glad to hear others think more than a week is an indicator that the relationship is doomed. Right now, that is where I am at and was afraid of throwing away something that I thought would be good. Guess the other person did not have the same conclusion. I am OK with someone telling me to give him a definite amount of time to think and then extend that time if needed. However, that does not seem to be happening. I thought maybe I was expecting too much. If 3 days or so is enough time to just let someone think, evidently some men/women are not able to say what is on their mind. I hate guessing because I am not real good at it. I admire people who can be up front about what they want/need and are willing to explain why.
7/8/2009 8:45:15 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
julymorning07 Saint James, MO 63, joined Sep. 2007	Quote from skipjoe: I can find a reason to agree with almost anyone -- I just have a hard time knowing when to let go. I'd like to think people over 40 are mature enough to stand up for what they beleive in and to say what they want regarding a relationship. I am so glad to hear others think more than a week is an indicator that the relationship is doomed. Right now, that is where I am at and was afraid of throwing away something that I thought would be good. Guess the other person did not have the same conclusion. I am OK with someone telling me to give him a definite amount of time to think and then extend that time if needed. However, that does not seem to be happening. I thought maybe I was expecting too much. If 3 days or so is enough time to just let someone think, evidently some men/women are not able to say what is on their mind. I hate guessing because I am not real good at it. I admire people who can be up front about what they want/need and are willing to explain why. I'm with ya. I'm pretty open about that, which makes it frustrating when not only can HE not be up front, but can barely deal with me being that way. Sometimes I ask once. Rarely twice and then he can stay in his cave til he begins to suffocate and comes out on his own. Sometimes a few hours, sometimes days.
7/8/2009 9:22:36 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
mmilesg Lima, OH 38, joined Jun. 2009	I like this thread. Cool thread. Quote from nunbttr: I've been in this cave, by myself, for too damn long now. When I get out, I'm blowing up the entrance, so I can't get back in. : Now -that's- what I'm talking about!
7/8/2009 9:42:39 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
niceguy4tlc Winter Haven, FL 58, joined Aug. 2008	I guess everybody is an individual. I really think that its more of a "quiet time" thing than a total retreat. My ex would go months without acting like a wife and then suddenly be back in love with me. I did say that she's my EX, right?
7/8/2009 9:54:27 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
epona65808 Walnut Grove, MO 64, joined Jan. 2009	If someone withdraws into his/her "cave" it may have absolutely nothing to do with their SO. We need to know and believe this and leave them alone. Nagging, whining and complaining are not going to help anyone or anything. We simply need to assume, unless told differently, that the problem is not about us. If it is, deal with it. No nagging, whining or complaining allowed.
7/8/2009 9:57:57 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
singleflower El Paso, TX 38, joined Feb. 2008	niceguy4tlc yes you did mention, she was your EX. back to our topic, I think I agree with most of you. I also need some time to adjust my feelings, emotions and think my next step but I usually take 1DAY. I call it my OFF day like today took a shower but didn't leave my house for nothing....YUP NOTHING
7/8/2009 9:59:43 PM	How can you tell if a man is in "his cave" or disconnected?
seabiscuit1 Waterbury, CT 65, joined Apr. 2009	Do women have any understanding why men disconnect and go off to objectively think about a problem and a solution. It is to save ourselves. We know that whatever we say will be held against us for the rest of our lives.

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