| 1/30/2008 11:35:06 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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william12354
Springfield, MO
age: 20
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Ok my names William and I can never seem to keep a relationship going nomatter how hard I try and trust me I really do try...Guess the best thing I can do is use my most recent X as a example no no this isnt an X bash I actually am useing her as an example. Figure I should tell you im 20 going on 40 and my parents tell me thats the biggest problem.
Ok I met a women named Jessie at work I was the boss at that time we worked together for quite sometime then I noticed she was comeing in with purple spots and nots and stuff on her forhead I didnt say anything for quite sometime because I was afraid I would get into trouble by my boss shes a women and Im a guy and I was her boss you know...well as time progressed we developed a bond anyway and I started hinting that I knew she was getting beat up but she wouldent admit it to me well finnaly a few nights go by and she calls me and says her boyfriend snatched her up by the throat and was gonna kill her if his mom hadent walked in well my parents didnt raise me the streets did so I told her im gonna stick a gun in his mouth and shes gonna do whatever she wants to him but then she asked my father to just go pick her up instead in order to avoid violence. So she comes to me with nothing but a ripped up shirt a pair of pants and shoes you know pretty much 1 set of clothes...as the months go by I end up spending over 2800 dollars on her Im just a dish washer I made about 850 an hour thats alotta money to me you know. She came to me with a low self asteem wouldent look me in the eyes you get the picture right? Well I stick up for her love her...Heck I got off work and would come home and rub her feet and her back every single night. cooked for her pretty much did everything to make her happy. Well eventually she starts comeing down sick....I find out its Hepititus B despite the fact I could only think of 2 ways to get it I stick close like we were married or something I continued doing what I was doing as if nothing happend except for I picked up extra reponsibilitys...doing laundry washing clothes...everything and takeing care of her...trust me you dont want to go through the horrors of takeing care of someone that comes down with HEP B...its...horrible even though shes out of my house now I still hear her pukeing next to me when im sleeping and in my dreams I see her dead body lieing next to me then I wake up..I would rather not talk about more of that part of the relationship. Imagine that anyday your kid or your spouse is gonna die thats how I felt. Anyway right in the middle of takeing care of her soon as she can stand she starts takeing off all the time and only around long enough to ask for money when she was around she got high and slept that was it. I didnt mind her hanging out with her friends fact most the time when I called to check on her while I was at work all I said was "are you ok?" and I even let her hold unto my cell phone...all of a sudden I get a note left on my bed telling me to back off or this would end up like all the other relationships...this chicks still wakeing up routinely pukeing and barely able to stand for the biggest part of the day. As time progressed she wanted less and less to do with me and she started treating me like I was just her sugar daddy. Eventually I started hearing that she was makeing me out to be like some kind of monster to all her friends she was telling them I was rapeing her and didnt love her...keep in mind you know Im still takeing care of this women and carrying her back to bed after she passes out from pukeing. Eventually I find out she's ben "hanging out" with her X and was eating Oxi cottons...same x that snatched her up. theres WAAY more detail that happend that trully screw'd with my head and crushed myself esteem but Im trying to tell the short story even though it dont seem like it. Eventually someone calls me up and says he wants me to read something I personally didnt know who he was but I came over to his house and he showed me some letters that Jessie had ben writeing to him for months...He wouldent admit it but im not stupid..he was sleeping with her..knowing she was with me. So...so far now shes sleeping with 2 dif guys but not with me...after the johndu's goes unless you know someone had Heb B you cannot tell otherwise she wasent telling them she had come down with a disease. By the time I found out with concrete proof she was cheating on me I thrived on the abuse she had put me through..besides for cheating on me she was EXTREMELY mentally abusive. And I was to far inlove with her to end it but I didnt have to worry about that. she eventually came to me said I was nothing but a rebound and she never loved me... even though this isnt my 1st serious relationship by far' this is the 1st women I had slept with...She knew I wasent the 1 who got her sick...I dont really get how anyone could do that to anyone..I can be heartless and you know I ben evil and I ben nice but jesus nothing like that had ever crossed my mind that anyone could possibly do that to someone...If I was that typ of human being I would kill myself..honestly. oh I was also trying to get us a house so she could get her 2 kids back. she was 25 and im 20.
SO. Im commited, I bring my girl up, ill support her, ill love her, ill never hit her, jessie pulled a gun on me..im 2nd degree red belt in akido and a boxer and I never touched her I love kids, Im open minded, anything I can possibly do to keep my girl I have always done but for some odd reason They always dump me and I dont know why! I was raised to believe women are out to get me but thats kindu childesh...on the other hand I can tell you im certainly becomeing more distanced as stuff like this happens. My friend tells me she was a fruit cake my dad and my bro tell me she was a user and some reason I keep running into these women nomatter what! I just dont get it. I pay attention to what women say they want out of a man and I become it but I still get dumped. Im 170 pounds Im lean mean and cuddly and I have always ben told I well be a great father. I cant seem to figure out what im doing wrong with women...I could really use some help.
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| 1/31/2008 6:00:57 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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ge0ge0
Tallahassee, FL
age: 41 online now!
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You seem like a nice guy and very naive to the ways of the world. Well for one you're picking the wrong ones. You can't expect a person to love you if she doesn't love and respect herself first. Probably the hardest thing to do is maintain a meaningful and long term relationship with a person with low self esteem. I'm not saying it's not possible but the person has to either come to the realization that they are the cause of their problems or seek professional help. From your story it seems like her behavior is very destructive and caused collateral damage to you.
[Edited 1/31/2008 6:03:16 AM]
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| 1/31/2008 7:02:42 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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craftygirl002
Tacoma, WA
age: 39
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I agree with ge0. You're definitely picking the wrong type of girl. It also sounds like you're more than a little smothering. I'm concerned that you say you figure out what they want and then become it. Don't change to be what someone else wants, just be yourself. Eventually you'll find the person who wants what you are. Since you only gave one example, it's impossible to see a pattern, but I can't help but wonder if you choose women you can 'rescue'.
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| 1/31/2008 9:04:05 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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william12354
Springfield, MO
age: 20
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I can somewhat understand you saying im smothering but if you understood I dont thank you would mind..normally I just go about my buisness but if someone I care about is in the thick of it I stick close I dont bail. So like lets say you became pregneant if you were with me you know I wouldent bail. But if things were normal go have fun do whatever just dont get hurt...You get what I mean? as in the changeing part..im not actually changeing im just open minded to me doing stuff my girl wants to do is just being involved. As being the rescue..hmm yes I can certainly see that. I help people whenever I can I was raised to take care of myself with noone nearby and it led to alot of things I wish it didnt so I try to help people just like me stay out of prison and have heart. but for the aiming for the wrong girl...cant really answere that..I dont usally aim to get with anyone. If we do we do if we dont we dont.
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| 1/31/2008 9:29:16 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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silver_rain1011
Springfield, VA
age: 22
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Wow... that's all I can say... That's quite a story... My first question to you is: Are you vaccinated for Hep B? If you aren't, you'd better start the series. It's too risky to be or have been parading around with someone who has a disease like that, regardless of how you feel about them.
My next question is: Why do you say you are/were in love with her? The way I read the story was she was brought to your house, beaten and frightened, seeking refuge from her abusive boyfriend. It seems to me like you've got the "Wounded Bird Syndrome" in how you choose your women. You may not specifically desire that individual, you desire to take care of someone who is in need of help. Any woman has the potential to be a crazy b*tch and use someone as a doormat, rich or poor, sick or healthy. But most of all, by wanting to care for someone, you are trying to fulfill your need to be needed. That's right, you absolutely need someone to NEED and be DEPENDENT on you. That is where your problem lies... and you probably have deeply rooted issues as to why you're like this that you should try to seek counseling about. Whatever your reasons, it's not a healthy relationship on either side.
This girl should not have come to you for the extended period of time that she did. This girl needed medical attention and serious psychiatric help that you CANNOT give her. Women who get into abusive relationships (and STAY in abusive relationships) make excuses for the men who beat them and tell themselves he really loves them and doesn't mean it. She needed counseling, not a new boyfriend! Because she's been abused in the past, she is LESS LIKELY to trust men in the future. So she takes what she can from them and emotionally (and sometimes physically) hurts them to give her a sense of "getting even".
I have friends who are exactly the same way as you, I have advised them to do exactly the same thing, but they won't or they say they will, try it for a little bit and as soon as the antagonist shows up again or needs something from them once more, they are back to their old, destructive habits. It is hard to help someone who will not do exactly what you say (I say, "Change your phone number and don't give her the new one", they say "No, she'll have a panic attack and hurt herself if she can't get in contact with me").
[Edited 1/31/2008 9:40:44 AM]
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| 1/31/2008 11:31:05 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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objection
Pulaski, TN
age: 24
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In truth, it sounds like you know what you need to do. Let it out, talk about it, move on, find someone that fits you and you fit her, and be merry.
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| 1/31/2008 7:41:24 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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william12354
Springfield, MO
age: 20
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As for the hep B I got tested and came up negative thank god. and im not quite sure what you mean by the wounded bird syndrome... As for the counsleing...im not disagreeing or makeing fun of you or anything but im not sure how you can obtain counsleing for women thats like askeing for a manual on how to raise kids... and as for her comeing back...well lets see here. Cant trust her as a friend so we cant be friends cant trust her as a girlfriend dont really wanna spend the rest of my life with someone like that anyway..hate to say it but as much crap as she put me through that I didnt mention if she was on fire I prolly wouldent piss on her. I have a good heart but I refuse to be the victim..that isnt being a good person thats just being ran over. hardest thing about dealing with her nowdays is...she made me out to be a monster to all my friends except 2 and she lives nearby..I gotta deal with her all the time when I go to a store or something. and I dont really see how you can say I didnt love her simply because she came to me for help....ofcourse I didnt at 1st but when your around someone constantly you tend to bond. and when she first came over she didnt do anything but the green..she cleaned cooked helped out with the bills she never acted shady as in it started getting where I would go pick her up at a parking lot or something instead of the house she was visiting. I mean..I was her boss then we would go home and at 1st neither one of us had anything better to do so we would go to the movies..get the picture? we litterly did everything together for quite sometime. Pretty much she got me wrapped around her finger the twisted me is what it seems to be. I have come to relise she thought I was just 1 of those dumb little virgins she thought she could whip and use with her @#!!$ when actually I cared about her. When I had come to the conclusion she wasent a fruit cake she was a user and there honestly was no heart in her I put on my boots and kicked her out..It got to where I just simply couldent be around her anymore. Felt like I was liveing with a wild anaconda..had to watch my back. She was stealing from me and my parents then talking crap to everyone about how abusive I was and all this other stuff but I gave her a month after we broke up to get a job and get out and she spent all of it partying. She had no intentions of getting a job because she thought I would still be her sugar daddy since I didnt kick her out like I should have and anyone would have told me to do.
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| 1/31/2008 7:57:23 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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pisceslady30
York, PA
age: 30
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You seem like a nice guy and they always finish last. Some women are just attracted to jerks. They are abused mentally physically or whatever and become numb. You honestly seem like a pushover. A lot of woman want a take charge kind of man ( not everyone).If she was using drugs that was more important to her than anything else. You seem like you may have a self esteem issue. It's not you it's them once you realize that you will be better off. You are the only person that can give other people power over you. Someday you will find someone that deserves you until then stop letting the use you.
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| 2/1/2008 1:24:36 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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silver_rain1011
Springfield, VA
age: 22
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The "Wounded Bird Syndrome" aka the "Florence Nightingale Effect" is where one person has a desire to nurse or take care of someone else because they themselves have a desire to feel needed.
Florence Nightingale was a nurse in the Crimean War. She cared for badly wounded soldiers, and fell in love with one of them (so the story goes).
"Wounded bird" if you think of it in literal terms. If there is a small bird on the ground that is obviously wounded, you will pick it up, take it home and try to nurse it back to health because the bird is completely dependent on you for survival (This is what I meant by "You NEED to be NEEDED" by someone/something. However, once the bird recovers (if it recovers) the situtation takes on a whole new problem...
I'm not saying you need counseling for women, I'm saying you've probably experienced something traumatic in your childhood that has sparked your Wounded Bird Syndrome, that is what you should seek counseling for. You can't be successful with the "right type" of women, instead of the "wounded bird" women, until you've sorted out your own internal demons.
[Edited 2/1/2008 1:29:05 PM]
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| 2/1/2008 1:51:21 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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sweetynikki
Canyon Country, CA
age: 23
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awwwww poor thing.....alright well here is my perspective on the situation....you seem like a great guy with a big heart and you genuinely care about others.....it's a very good quality and some like to take advantage of it( gotta realize that some people are just mean).....your ex has some serious mental issues....way before you ever came into the picture...your the type of guy that seems to always want to help people and will do everything you can.....it's nice to be supportive and be there.....but not to the point when you're the one taking care of their problems....you gotta realize u can't help eeryone....the only way someone can get back on there feet through a rough time is to learn to stand up on their own.....my advice to you is find a girl that is goal oriented and wants to do things with her life.....people with drive and motivation tend to have the self esteem.....you need to look for a girl you can share, learn, and experience life with not have to pick up the broken pieces of someones elses problems.....find a girl with no serious baggage
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| 2/3/2008 11:29:23 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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william12354
Springfield, MO
age: 20
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Ahh k. I understand the wounded bird thing now that you explain it that way...yes Im the typ to pick up a wounded bird but I call it picking a snake up off the ground cause I always get bit...and I dont necesarly pick up broken women and such im always there for them then they lead me to believe they love me for it. and to be honest there are LOTS of hurt women out there. but they are just simply normal in the society I was raised in jess "was" just a normal girl to me. and it isnt so much I always need to be needed im just simply next to my girls instead of somewhere infront or behind. I grew up by myself and it made me an animal. parents were stealing from me and everyone was out to get each other. Everyone doesent need someone but you could stick me in a cave and so long as I had my punching bag and food I wouldent really care...I personally believe thats kindu sick. It comes from noone being there for me growing up and being led to believe thats the way things were. I have come a long way since then and I fit in with society a lil better but I believe I wouldent of developed as many issues if I simply would of had someone nearby growing up. And yes I do believe I could use some counsleing..but theres a very long line. but besides for this...
You guys have actually helped alot. Pretty much I f*cked up. I was helping someone who didnt wanna help themselfs and I was giveing help that wouldent help anything I was just getting ran over. I got the wrong idea...Im personally open minded if you speak to me you would find me weird...I give off this impression in real life like im closed off to the world but in truth the people that know me know that I just simply filter everything. so I got the wrong idea...I figured since this chicks 5 years older then I am she was just simply going thru hard times and if I was there for her she "we" would have come out on top of it..together. I smacked me in the face when she broke up with me. I would honestly kill for anyone that did for me what I did for her. OK ladys..If you had an abusive boyfriend and this dude came picked you up replaced everything you had with his own money then bought more and THEN started working on getting a house so you could get your kids back while at the same time not expecting anything in return except for you to stick close..Would you break up with him?
Most of the stuff she was doing I didnt know for sure I just simply suspected until I ended up out of work for a week THEN I started seeing what all she was doing when I would normally be at work. Before that I went to work then came home not haveing a clue..all that was in my mind is I gotta make a liveing cause I got a girlfriend to support you know? and Im naturally paranoid I just simply dont act on it until something happens to spark my suspicions. After awhile I came to the relisation she was extremely possesive like for instance...I ben training for 2 years so I can fight pro...I would go out to train and she said it was childesh. she would take off and tell everyone Im on the bag again because she did something. Fighters fight...its what they do. She should be happy that I would get off work and hold up to my responsibilitys as a boyfriend and rub her back and stuff then be able to turn around and be strong usally for guys its 1 way or the other. She threw away all my music just simply because "she" didnt like it.
This list goes on and on...There isnt a computer big enough to put it down.
Long story short...according to you guys I ben helping women who I cant help and I ben getting with girls that really shouldent be with anyone except for a therapist. The reason why they dont care what I do for them in order to make them happy is because they feel that I owe it to them because there ex didnt do it for them...pretty much every guy is the same to them and they all look very similar to 1 of there ex's. There getting even with me because in there mind im there ex...there sick...they need help. Dont matter how good I am to them. A normal girl wouldent say im an ass for takeing charge and being strong where these girls always make me out to be a monster when I havent did anything. Normal girl would be down for me aiming to fight pro instead of trying to stop me and bring me down to there level. Im actually ok and so long as I do for a normal girl what I have done for my X's ill be fine...that sum it up bout right?
After answering that I also have another question..Is it normal for chicks to put everything before you? I mean like choose there x over you and stuff? cause I dont do that stuff x is an x for a reason I socalise with them but it takes alot to make me break with someone...Only thing that well make me break up with you is pretty much your acting shady..I dont care if your opinions are dif from mine or anything hell me and jes were haveing sex like once a month and I didnt much care. Way I have always felt girlfriend is borderline family.
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| 2/3/2008 12:54:13 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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katiescarlett72
Dallas, TX
age: 35
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I have a slightly less flattering view of this.
I call it "White Knight syndrome."
I've found that a lot of times, men who suffer from it subconsciously choose women who are broken, because they have such low self esteem, they don't feel that a healthy, emotionally stable, normal woman could possibly be interested enough to stay with them on a long term basis. Therefore, they find all the damaged goods they can and scoop them up one by one onto the backs of their horses, ride them off into the sunset, feed their own egos by "taking care of" the poor injured princess, and then are shocked and surprised when it turns out that their princess is actually a tramp who most likely brought a lot of her problems onto herself - and continues to do so in a never ending cycle.
Or, he does manage to "fix" her - one in a million times - and either he's so intimidated by the new her that he splits, or she does, because she doesn't need him anymore.
So, Mr. Knight straps on his armor, mounts his horse, and goes in search of the next jewel in the rough who just needs his attention and care in order to turn into the princess of his dreams. If she's broken, she can't leave him. If she's messed up, she won't care that he is too. If she can't take care of herself, then she'll need him to do it for her. If she's low as dirt, then there's not much to live up to.
IMO it's the same syndrome that causes women to choose boorish, abusive assholes one after another. We don't really LIKE bad boys. We just feel like they're a safer bet. If you're an unemployable, worthless piece of crap, then at least I can count on the fact that you'll always be MY unemployable, worthless piece of crap.
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| 2/3/2008 3:20:25 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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sweetynikki
Canyon Country, CA
age: 23
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in all honesty William I've been that girl in abusive relationships....came from a rough past and had low self esteem etc... i did have one of those really nice guys help me get out of that situation and help me through the hard times....in fact i left my abusive ex and dated him for a year...but reality was he was a rebound....i really shouldn't have dated him....i was having so many issues i should have been alone and focusing on myself not dragging him through them with me....i loved him for the support he gave me.....not so much for the relationship we had or the person he was....i began to realize only reason i was with him is because he just wanted to help me.....but i came to see that no matter how much he was at my side....it was me that had to learn to take care of myself.....i had that whole persona and idea to push people away as a way to protect myself from being vulnerable and getting hurt....and i pushed him away so much he cheated and the relationship ended.....so my advice for you would be to focus on yourself for awhile....do alot of reflection and thinking....i found counseling really helped me out.....but yeah if i had that guy that stepped into to "save" me from that situation I would have dumped him because after being treated like crap in a bad relationship to have someone seem too nice.....it is awkward and hard to really approach.....you can't truly accept ones love till you learn to love yourself.....my advice is focus on you, use this time to make and finish goals for yourself....don't depend on relationships
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| 2/3/2008 3:58:58 PM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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william12354
Springfield, MO
age: 20
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lol aint nothing gonna slow me down on my goals..I told her that to then all of a sudden I dont care simply because I didnt focuse all my time on her anymore. I told her I spend most my time working and training and she could either train with me or go find someone unenployed who didnt fight either. As for the knight in shineing armor...Im kindu in-between...I care but there was a point and time when noone could help me either so Im not that dumb. I just know there are good people out there and there are bad people out there..love and kindness is a virus...spread it...same with greed and hate. I have ben on both sides of the fence...both sides have green and brown grass and I know that. I stopped training during the time she was sick because for the 1st few weeks she was doing good to lay in bed...after that I resumed my routine with the knowledge that my chick was a fruit cake...I pretty much stopped loveing her after that but not entirely. I felt that if she did get help she would turn out to be a good girl then when I relised she was happy going from house to house getting high and her primary goal for men was to wrap them then twist them I started looking at her like the enemy because she was a snake liveing in my house...I gave her a month to fix her shit then I walked in and asked her if she needed bags for her clothes and a ride. The phone calls stopped when she caught on that I wasent as dumb as she thought and I was more aware of the shady bs and then she relised that the shady bs is what I was raised around. She continued trying to use me for bout 3 months after she was out...I finnaly informed her that I read all the letters she was sending to the other dude then explained to her how she played me like "the reason you wouldent look me in the eyes was to bait me into helping you when actually you were useing me" then I told her that everyone hangs out with there own kind like people that like heavy metal hang out with headbangers...well she was talking shit behind my back so therefor the people she was with were doing the same...they were telling me everything she was saying because they knew actually how "horrible and mean" I was to her. after she dumped me there was noone for her to turn to because they all seen what she did to me. She tries to use the guys and they just use her for a piece of
@!! then get rid of her. I personally still dont like it but she brought it unto herself she wants to keep that street mentality well thats where I was raised I can use the same stuff but atleast I just simply dont get involved instead of useing her like her peoples do. As for the focuse on myself instead of relationships thing...Im extremely distanced...I need to grow up on that...time to make friends have gfs and all that stuff. I have spent most my life working and training and stuff yea I got burned alot but it happens. The problem is "I dont relie" on anyone but myself I didnt even start trusting my parents or my brother or anyone tell like a year ago and my parents messed up but they also have done alot to fix it..Its my turn. I applie my work ethic's to everything...Loveing my parents isnt enough I need to improve...get the picture? I have come a long way since I was younger..if you met me you would be intimidated at first but then relise im actually pretty cool...You would never have a clue as to have the stuff I have done in my past unless I told you. Alot of the people I hang out with dont know im 20 they think im 25-35 like them.
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| 2/5/2008 10:49:45 AM |
Nomatter how hard I try cant seem to keep my girl's help pls! |
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william12354
Springfield, MO
age: 20
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Well...alrighty peoples thanks alot for your help...actually made me think now I feel dumb..I dunno why I didnt figure that out on my own...think its because im 20 and changeing for the best and most women my age are just now getting destructive...so it kept slipping my mind...I personally dont feel that I have ben through that much but I dunno. I know theres always someone worse off out there. women in my society are just now beggining what I have already gone through when in my mind I havent gone through that much so therefor they have already done the same. I have always ben told that im strong then what I believe..but I dont let stuff like that go to my head. I would be pleased to accept some advice but im kindu done with the knight in shineing armor thing.
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