Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?

2/17/2008 3:54:12 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
dottyparker Knoxville, TN age: 46	Met a fellow during Christmas week on line. By his profile, he was in his early 50's, divorced, had grown children, and was available. The chatter and banter were the most stimulating I've experienced--this man is smart, funny, knowledgeable, sexy, and insightful. We met the second week in January--and he was older by at least 10 years than his profile, but he was still the person with whom I'd been chatting and continued to be. Really funny--which I think requires the earlier mentioned characteristics. But I started to do what I always do when I'm taken with someone--completely open up, call multiple times a day, be available at a moment's notice, not care about the future. Suddenly dawned on me (again--hello) that he was less and less responsive. And all the guys who I didn't respond to, or responded to erratically, generally with the message that I'm not that interested, are, on Valentine's Day, sending me cards, flowers, sweet messages--and he is silent until 8 p.m. that evening, when he apologizes and says he was tied up, that I should be angry. In that short of a time, obviously, nothing had become either committed or monogamous, and I had no right to complain, but my heart hurt--you know that tightness in your throat that happens when you have no way out. We were to get together this weekend, but I called it off--because all I could see was a way to pain. Obviously more details would help--but this post is already long. I guess the questions are: 1. Do you have to play games? In other words, my experience has long been that those men to whom I'm least responsive are the most insistent; those to whom I give over, and am not just speaking sexually, but also romantically, emotionally, and intellectually, back off within some time frame, but usually by a year or two. Is it necessary, in the old phrase, to let him chase you until you catch him? 2. And I don't think anyone can answer this one--but what are the secrets of attraction? There's another fellow I met in roughly the same timeframe, who is younger, more attractive, settled, steady, and in a loving relationship with his family, and who would really like to move to a committed relationship. This other fellow failed all the above tests--he is a liar (which comes I think out of insecurity), he's far older than ought would recommend (although there were Jane Kenyon and Donald Hall...), yet he grabbed my heart in one fell swoop. How do you make a list and stick to it, which is the smartest thing to do if you are seeking someone for the long haul? 3. So maybe the question is, "how does one contain one's heart?" Any answers will be appreciated.
2/17/2008 4:04:02 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
nah12 Huntsville, AL age: 52	here is an article you might want to read: Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners....... http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080212/sc_livescience/whyperfectdatesmakelousypartners
2/17/2008 4:17:39 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
dottyparker Knoxville, TN age: 46	Thanks for the link. That may help. Maybe I've been attracted to self-monitors. It actually makes a great deal of sense in this situation. Many thanks.
2/17/2008 4:41:54 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
sitkarains Sitka, AK age: 47 online now!	which is the smartest thing to do if you are seeking someone for the long haul? I am not sure if this is the smartest thing But I do know I use these sets of guidelines.When I am seeking a date. I begin as I am going to continue. I expect him to also. Honesty is Paramount to me. I need a person that can communicate with me. I look for those things.
2/17/2008 5:02:19 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
nah12 Huntsville, AL age: 52	you're welcome Dotty.........good luck!
2/17/2008 5:14:05 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
dottyparker Knoxville, TN age: 46	Am not sure I understand the answer to the list question--is it that if someone is dishonest you can write them off? How? Is it an inner strength? May be that's what I'm lacking. When I first figured out how much this fellow misrepresented, my reaction was not to see him anymore. Yet I kept reading what he'd written and thinking about our interaction, and it seemed as if the words didn't matter, as in the poem by Ransom, the Equilibrists--that who he was came through so much more clearly in his words than in the facts. Perhaps that's naive. It's what I used to do in my 20's, then married for 14 years, now dating again--maybe just reverting to type. So has it happened? You've dated someone and found that they've lied about fundamental aspects of who they are and you've walked away? How? In anger, pity, self-preservation? Thanks.
2/17/2008 5:20:41 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
chimike Chicago, IL age: 56 online now!	I had a situation where someone I met after communicating on line & on the phone for a couple of months said some things that contradicted some things she'd said earlier. I let it go, they weren't major things. Later on she ended up going back with some guy she'd been with before and gave me the story why and said 'I've never lied to you'. All of a sudden I thought, well, you did, but now I'm not sure how much you lied about. SO - hell, this doesn't answer your question, does it? So, I'll say 'I don't know how to date successfully!"
2/17/2008 5:22:15 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
chimike Chicago, IL age: 56 online now!	Maybe some things are more easily overlooked than others...maybe that's what I was trying to say!
2/17/2008 5:29:41 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
skypoetone Lincolnshire United Kingdom age: 56 online now!	YES... Honesty is my priority too and I want that more than anything in my life... I really don't see it being a tall order. After all, why play games with someone you really want to have a relationship with? It's not fair on them and it makes you look like a fool. That's how I bought my children up and it's what makes me proud of them... they never lie to me if I ask them anything - not saying they're perfect, but damn near close in my eyes... that's what I want from a prospective partner too - all the way.
2/17/2008 5:35:49 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
dottyparker Knoxville, TN age: 46	And I admire that position, enormously. And think the old words, the ones I was raised with, such as honor, loyalty, and respect, however abstract, still resonate, and are attributes that an individual, a company, and a country should value and follow. Am talking about the heart, though, that lonely hunter--and wondering how one says, you don't meet my standards even if you have my heart. How does one stop caring because one cares for a liar? Finally, one will, I guess, so perhaps I'm being circular. It's just that once the heart gets involved, seems that reason takes a back seat, which is how the songs, the movies, and our gut tells it should be. How, then, do logic and the values by which one lives overcome that?
2/17/2008 5:42:54 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
forestrose Calgary, AB age: 55	Dotty; pls take this just as mho. To fall that quickly may well be infatuation, coupled with great hope that this is the one. I think Love takes more time to develop. Also, making a list, a person should meet many of the criteria, obviously it isn't likely someone will meet all. The ones you should ditch pretty quick are ones that violate your values, such as honesty, trust, respect, etc. I bet that guy was married. And was the younger one just not exciting enough, but perhaps a good guy? Know yourself and what you are attracted to, because maybe your list is what you "think" it should be, but in reality, You may want the chase yourself.
2/17/2008 5:44:08 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
alex_192 Sarasota, FL age: 55 online now!	a liar always a liar a cheater always a cheater you have to decide if you want to pursue a relatiosnhip because there is a physical atraction or you want to build a life term loving relationsihp
2/17/2008 5:48:20 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
dottyparker Knoxville, TN age: 46	Absolutely, you're right, it was infatuation. No question about it. Of course, from where else does love spring but infatuation--Laura and Beatrice never spoke, and yet we have Dante and Plutarch. Still, am looking to get it right this time--neither not love someone nor cause someone else pain. And I think that the younger guy just wasn't smart enough. Finally. He's a great guy--but need someone to whom the poets and politics, the novels and the novel are challenging and interesting. Thank you for your honest opinion. Trying to avoid trap doors that I fell through in my youth, and stumbled upon again this early in the new experiment.
2/17/2008 5:52:19 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
chimike Chicago, IL age: 56 online now!	HAH - read that article - great! I knew it! I'm a terrible date but great in a relationship! I knew there was a reason I didn't like dating...of course, this doesn't explain two failed marriages but I have grown from those. OK, girls, now you know it...I'm the perfect partner! Line up!
2/17/2008 6:21:12 PM	Dating Successfully--What Are the Answers?
dottyparker Knoxville, TN age: 46	Of course, Dante and Plutarch were lonely men, wandering around, dreaming about some woman they'd never met ... so maybe not the idea. Great poetry, lousy lives. Better good poetry and a great life, I would think. What I'm hearing from people is that you can set absolute standards--if someone lies to you about something significant, you end the relationship, no matter what your emotions are, or that the emotion of being lied to trumps the romantic affection you feel. Is that right? It is, a bit, like having a list--a simple one, maybe: just "no liars." Maybe that's the answer--something I need to take into the repertoire. Thanks all for your kind and considered responses. You rock.

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