| 7/10/2007 9:00:05 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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pickyeater
Bloomfield, KY
age: 51
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The Story of Job.
...and Job sent out a plea to God, "God, why have you forsaken me with pestilence and drought, and fevers and sores, pain and hard times? Why God? Why do you do this to me?
And God replied, "Theres just something about you that pisses me off!!"
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| 7/13/2007 9:08:35 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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hobokengirl
Metuchen, NJ
age: 64
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LMAO!
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| 7/14/2007 4:58:57 AM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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catyia25
Bronx, NY
age: 38
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She lay in her hospital bed, every inhale slow and cherished as she patiently waited for death to embrace her. Her mother relentlessly by her side. Pale, hungry, weak and helpless as she vehemently witnessed the slow death of her little girl. She grips her mothers hand, squeezes it tightly. Mommie, will the angels guide me in the afterlife. How will I know what path to take, which way to turn, what direction to follow. Kissing her forhead gently, holding back tears in her eyes the mother responds............
"Shhhhh, my child!! Your father may hear you, and if it's directions you seek, you'll never get to heaven"...........................
Catyia
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| 7/14/2007 5:18:29 AM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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catyia25
Bronx, NY
age: 38
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I am in turmoil, I seek salvation in The Lord. I feel hopeless and afraid, therefore I seek comfort in God's love.
Me: (kneeling and humbled) "In the name of The Father, the Son, and The Holy Ghost"......
God: "the sign of the cross is made with the right hand my child"
Me: Ummmm, guess that's pretty bad huh??
God: No, I've heard you recite the 12 Commandments....(giggling)
Catyia
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| 7/16/2007 11:39:02 AM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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hobokengirl
Metuchen, NJ
age: 64
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Song: "PRIEST" --- by Stephen Lynch, my favorite GENIUS
deep in prayer my cross to wear
i kneel upon the floor
temptations of a catholic priest aren't easy to ignore
but i can not control myself
he rips my soul apart
for one small sheep among my flock has
stolen the shepherd's heart
altar boy, altar boy
confess your sins to me
you will find the grace of god
inside my rectory
sunday mass or bible class
i catch him in my view
i close my eyes but there he lies
spread eagle on the pew
and when i see him in that frock
my concience goes awry
i'll give him some communion wine thats
spiked with spanish fly
altar boy, altar boy
is it gonna be heaven or hell
you can play my organ all night long
if you promise never to tell
our father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
i could dress him up like the pope and then i'd...
oh dear god, the shame no no no
lead us not into temptation
deliver us from sin
we could pretend that he was jesus christ
and i was mary magdalene
altar boy, altar boy
confess your sins to me
you will find the grace of god
inside my rectory
oh altar boy, oh altar boy
confess your sins to me
you will find the grace of god
inside my rec...tory
[Edited 7/16/2007 11:41:27 AM]
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| 7/16/2007 11:56:40 AM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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sahyriael
Bronx, NY
age: 38
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Me: God, let me please try again.......
Me: I know I'm not perfect. But as I kneel before you and call out to you, your words sing to me.
Me: It's angelic music, a choir of angels with melodies that captivate me echoing in my ears......
God: My child, that's my new iphone you were listening to...............Hold on, let me assign you a ringtone
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| 7/18/2007 2:28:28 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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wildgirl909456
Nassau, NY
age: 18
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A rich man going to heaven asked God if when he died he could bring some of his wealth with him. God said "well, its against regulations, but i will let you bring whatever you can fit in this suitcase." So before the man died he shoved 10 solid gold bricks into his suitcase. When he died he went up to heaven and saint Peter met him there. Peter then said "wait a minute, you cant bring that up here." The man explained what God had told him. Peter replied "ok, just let me check your suitcase before you go in". When peter saw what he brought peter exclaimed "What? What did you bring pavement for?"
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| 7/18/2007 2:40:17 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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loverboy2007
Edinburg, PA
age: 32
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A teenage boy asked his father to use the car...…his father replied…do you have a job to pay for the gas and insurance…..the son said no…his father said when you get a job….then ask…a couple weeks go by and the son goes to his dad and said no-one will hire me because I have long hair…his father said cut it….but the son thinking he could catch his dad who was a pastor came back with…I want to be more like Christ dad and he had long hair…his father paused and a large smile grew across the boys face thinking he stumped his dad….then his dad responded…yes son you’re right Jesus did have long hair and Jesus also walked everywhere he went.
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| 7/18/2007 3:02:47 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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sahyriael
Bronx, NY
age: 38
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Apple Jacks was strolling through the park when he heard a voice in the wind, "Apple,Apple".........
He thought it was the effects of still being hung over and kept walking. The voice once again called out to him, "Apple, Apple, I am the Lord and thy God. Follow thy voice and kneel before me on Holy ground".........Apple followed the voice and came upon a burning shrub. Apple took off his shoes and knelt down. "God, I didn't believe. I mean, I heard about a burning bush and saw a movie on it but I know now the truth. I am not worthy. I am humbled"......... God replied, "Go and spread my word. My children have grown disrespectful of me!" Apple rose to his feet, "yes lord, I will obey" turned around to walk away........He stopped and nervously started to check his clothing. He quickly turned around, leaned into the burning shrub and said..."Before you go, lemme light up my cig real quick!".....
Sahri
(no offense intended)
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| 7/18/2007 3:11:15 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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hollywoodhogan4
Mount Vernon, NY
age: 43
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one day there was a man walking in the wilderness. he kept on and on about how he didnt believe jesus existed one day jesus appeared to him in a dream and said why do you not believe in me and that i am the holy spirit, the father, the son, and the savior so the man said well i do not believe in you because i cannot see you..... jesus said you see me right now standing in front of you! how can you not see me, so the man said are you really the son where is god.... jesus said you are looking at the father and the son the light of the world anyone who follow me shall not walk in darknes but shall have the light of life
the man said wow you really do exist then, jesus said of coarse i exist DUH. i lived on the earth once died for everyones sins and will return to earth soon.... the man said when will you return my lord and jesus said just read and study the bible i am closer to all those who believe in me just read and study.... the man woke up from his dream
and realized jesus was real
HWH
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| 7/25/2007 12:59:03 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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hobokengirl
Metuchen, NJ
age: 64
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One day there was a man walking in the wilderness. He was a confirmed atheist.
As he walked along the side of a babbling brook, beneath the canopy of tree after tree, enjoying all of Mother Nature’s glories, he thought he heard the sound of footsteps behind him.
Turning around to look, he saw a huge bear walking a short distance behind him and gaining on him with every step.
The man began to run and the bear also began to run.
The man, now in fear for his very life, prayed: “Oh my God! Help me!”
Immediately the brook stood still, not a wisp of air blew through the tree tops, time stopped and the bear stopped running in mid-stride.
Then the clouds parted and God appeared to the stunned atheist.
God confronted the man, saying: “So how is it you can be an atheist when things are going well for you, but you call on me when things go awry?”
The atheist replied: “Lord, if you will only save my life from this bear, I promise you I will be religious from this day forward.”
God said: “Excellent! I will also convert this huge bear to religion as well.”
No sooner had God spoken these words, when the brook began once again to babble, the breezes stirred the forest canopy, and the bear once again bounded toward his kill.
The newly religious man ran for his life and finally came to a clearing that faced onto a cliff on three sides with the bear coming directly at him from the fourth side.
The man feared certain death! Suddenly, the enormous bear stopped directly before the frightened man, fell to his knees and prayed. Full of hope, the former atheist thanked God for teaching this bear religion.
These are the words that the bear prayed: “I thank you, Lord, for this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty.”
The moral of the story is: Not everyone who claims to have and live by a religion is redeemed from his natural instincts. Merely claiming and mouthing religious notions are all for naught if one harbors a killer’s instinct at heart and continues to act out one’s destroying lusts.
JMHO but I think my story better expresses religious reality. 
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| 7/25/2007 1:59:32 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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ks51
Santa Rosa, CA
age: 51
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lol thanks Hobo. We tend to take ourselves and beliefs too seriously sometimes.
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| 7/25/2007 8:35:34 PM |
The lighter side of religion... |
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hobokengirl
Metuchen, NJ
age: 64
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Thanks, ks!
We do indeed take ourselves too seriously! I love poking a few holes in traditions we hold dear -- not because they are real or true or valuable -- but simply because they are traditions! I'm the fiddler on the roof! 
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