The lighter side of religion...

6/27/2007 10:59:24 AM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	The Lord's Prayer "Our Father Who Art In Heaven." YES? Don't interrupt me. I'm praying. BUT -- YOU CALLED ME !! Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. "Our Father who art in heaven." THERE -- YOU DID IT AGAIN! Did what? CALLED ME. YOU SAID, "OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN" WELL HERE I AM. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty. WELL, ALL RIGHT. GO ON. Okay, "Hallowed be Thy name.." HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? By what? BY "HALLOWED BE THY NAME?" It means, it means ... good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean? IT MEANS HONORED, HOLY, WONDERFUL. Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what "hallowed" meant before. Thanks. "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? Sure, why not? WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT? Doing? Why, nothing, I guess. I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know. YES, I KNOW; BUT, HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU? Well, I go to church. THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BAD TEMPER? YOU'VE REALLY GOT A PROBLEM THERE, YOU KNOW. AND THEN THERE'S THE WAY YOU SPEND YOUR MONEY -- ALL ON YOURSELF. AND WHAT ABOUT THE KIND OF BOOKS YOU READ? Now hold on just a minute! Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church! EXCUSE ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR "MY WILL TO BE DONE." IF THAT IS TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAVE TO START WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR IT. LIKE YOU -- FOR EXAMPLE. Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others. SO COULD I. I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I would like to, you know, be really free. GOOD. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WE'LL WORK TOGETHER -- YOU AND ME. I'M PROUD OF YOU. Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need to finish my prayer. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. "Give us this day, our daily bread." YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE BREAD. YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT AS IT IS. Hey, wait a minute! What is this? Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups. PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING. YOU JUST MIGHT GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR. REMEMBER, YOU CALLED ME -- AND HERE I AM. IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW. KEEP PRAYING. ..pause... WELL, GO ON. I'm scared to. SCARED? OF WHAT? I know what you'll say TRY ME. "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us." WHAT ABOUT CAROL? See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her! BUT -- YOUR PRAYER -- WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRAYER? I didn't -- mean it. WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST. BUT, IT'S QUITE A LOAD CARRYING AROUND ALL THAT BITTERNESS AND RESENTMENT ISN'T IT? Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born. NO, YOU WON'T FEEL ANY BETTER. YOU'LL FEEL WORSE. REVENGE ISN'T SWEET. YOU KNOW HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE -- WELL, I CAN CHANGE THAT. You can? How? FORGIVE CAROL. THEN,I'LL FORGIVE YOU; AND THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE CAROL'S PROBLEM -- NOT YOURS. YOU WILL HAVE SETTLED THE PROBLEM AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED. Oh, you know, you're right. You always are. And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You..., (sigh). All right...all right... I forgive her. THERE NOW! WONDERFUL! HOW DO YOU FEEL? Hmmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all! In fact, I feel pretty great! You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight. I haven't been getting much rest, you know. YEAH, I KNOW. BUT, YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH YOUR PRAYER ARE YOU? GO ON. Oh, all right. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." GOOD! GOOD! I'LL DO THAT. JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE TEMPTED. What do you mean by that? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Yeah. I know OKAY. GO AHEAD. FINISH YOUR PRAYER. "For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen." DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY -- WHAT WOULD REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY? No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you now. I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you. I can see now how great that would be. So, tell me ..how do I make you happy? YOU JUST DID!
6/27/2007 6:49:45 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	Forrest Gump Dies The day finally arrived, Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest asks the Gatekeeper “Why?” St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind ... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "it’s Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
6/27/2007 8:23:02 PM	The lighter side of religion...
texashi Las Vegas, NV age: 55	Here she goes again..........HAHAHAHAHA! HOBO YOU ARE MY HERO!
6/27/2007 8:25:21 PM	The lighter side of religion...
texashi Las Vegas, NV age: 55	HI Hobo.....Honey you gotta do something for me! Please!! I want to borrow this and put it in an email to everyone on my list! May I? The Lord's Prayer is just great. I know so many people who would just love this. I shall await your permission with bated breath. Your Pal, Shi
6/27/2007 9:59:04 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	My very dear Shi, once it's out there, it's out there and wheresoever it goes next is up to the beholder. You have my permission at all times, especially as I didn't write most things! I'm the queen of copy and paste! Hugs to you, Kiddo!
6/27/2007 9:59:30 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who was alone at death with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country, and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothing like that before. Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Shit'."
6/27/2007 10:05:38 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank goodness," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
6/28/2007 12:27:05 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	WHAT IF GOD HAD AN ANSWERING MACHINE? I have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part of the modern world. But I've often wondered --- what if God decided to install an answering machine? Imagine praying, then hearing this: "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please press 1 to continue in English. Press 2 for a request. Press 3 for a thanksgiving. Press 4 to complain. For all other inquiries, press 5." So I press 2 and I hear: "We're sorry. Due to heavier than expected volume we are unable to make a connection with God; please try again later. Your business is important to us." What if God used the familiar excuse: "All of the angels are helping other souls right now. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received." Can you imagine these kinds of recorded responses as you call on God in prayer: "To find out how many angels dance on the head of a pin, press 5." "If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6." "To find out if your relative is here , enter the date they departed and listen for the list that follows." "To confirm your reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6." "To find out what your pastor is doing at the moment, press 7." "If you want to know what I think of American politics, don't press anything. Hang up and listen for laughter." "For the answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, or where Noah's Ark is... wait till you get here!" "Our computers indicate you've called once today, already. Please hang up immediately." "This office is closed for the weekend. Please call Monday."
6/28/2007 12:45:12 PM	The lighter side of religion...
kls51 Santa Rosa, CA age: 51	Hobo...gotta tell you how much I love your posts. This is great stuff! Thanks.
6/28/2007 3:39:09 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	Why, thank you, kls51! I love them, too, and that's why I post them! "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
6/29/2007 11:52:09 AM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God." 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7/7/2007 1:10:09 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
7/7/2007 6:43:16 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband: “You can have her shipped back home at a cost of $5,000 dollars, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150 dollars.” The man told him he would just rather have her shipped home. The undertaker asked him: “Why would you spend $5,000 dollars to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to bury her here and it would only cost $150 dollars?" The man replied: “A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and in three days he rose again from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
7/8/2007 7:06:03 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	Catholic Horses One day while Mitch was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, he noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winni ngs and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rite.
7/8/2007 7:09:26 PM	The lighter side of religion...
hobokengirl Metuchen, NJ age: 64	KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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