| 11/28/2007 11:43:11 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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libra75
Garfield, AR
age: 33
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If anyone's got any suggestions..I need to hear em' & so do a lot of other people. Some people in this world have lost the only person in existence that they really NEEDED. Some have moved on, & made new lives. But there are some that are literally so devastated that they can no longer function normally in society...they're not insane, or dimented....but destroyed..in every conceivable way by the loss of thier husband, or in my case, my wife. I would like it if EVERYONE would pitch in to this & help to support each other......Because this, to me, is the greatest loss that anyone could endure.....
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| 11/29/2007 7:27:39 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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cottagebithec
Utica, NY
age: 60
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libra... you are so right about enduring "the greatest loss"
I've talked about this before here in this group, but the first Christmas without my husband was tortuous. It was difficult, but I went to a "Coping with the Holidays" presentation presented by Hospice and that saved my life!
I learned that I didn't have to explain to anyone how I would "celebrate" the holiday... that I needed to figure out for myself what I could endure and what I would stay away from.
I did not put up a Christmas Tree... that made a statement to all my friends and family.
I wanted them to know and remember, I lost him. Their lives were still the same. They would never understand this loss. No one can unless they have experienced it.
I did not cook for my family's Christmas Eve... grieving takes so much of your energy.
I couldn't look at those ornaments we bought each other.
I couldn't go into the Men's Dept. of my favorite store
I resented the families and couples that were still whole
I resented any woman "complaining about their husbands" (never liked this about some women... but it made me so angry at them now)
I would leave people's homes and go outside and cry... because the simplest things reminded me of him.
I went to the cemetery frequently... I talked to him.
Christmas Eve was the worst. I've always felt such great joy when "we" would leave the house together... look up at the night sky... and count our blessings. That Christmas Eve the joyful feeling welled up in me as I looked at the sky and at the same time I felt the excruciating pain of having had a part of my body severed from me forever.
I did feel joy that season...when I was preparing a wreath for him, I thought about what he would like and I did it the way he would have liked it. So, I was able to give him my gift that year. I use to take my lawn chair to the cemetery and just "be there". For some reason that comforted me. Many people can't do this and others think it is morbid. That's ok. It just worked, for me, for a little while.
The points I'm trying to make with all this is to do what you feel you can handle and allow yourself this. To not let anyone "take your grief away" by telling you to move on or saying things that are cliche (about death) and we hate hearing.
This year will be "our" 3rd Christmas apart.
I wish for you peace with your memories and maybe an opportunity to talk about those memories, if you can, you may not be able to. What others think of what you choose to do or not do does not matter. You matter, give yourself permission to matter.
I do hope others respond to your thread on this... we can ALL use the insights.
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| 11/29/2007 8:18:25 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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andre7
Plainfield, NJ
age: 30
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i've never been married but my dad passed away two years ago they summed it up to wrong place wrong time i just wanna say that it was one of the hardest times for my mom and that without the suppourt of your family and your kids it's damn near difficult so don't be afraid to talk to us if u did have kids during the time of your marriage if not just don't forget that your family is their for a reason and even thought they may not understand the extent of your pain don't shut us out we're here for you for as long as u need.
[Edited 11/29/2007 8:22:18 PM]
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| 11/29/2007 11:33:04 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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annazzassi
Newport News, VA
age: 57
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Like you, that first Christmas without my beloved (last year) was so very painful. The pain of loss is there every day but seems magnified during the holidays. He loved Christmas - it was his favorite time of year and he always made it special for us. We had one very treasured tradition that he started on our first Christmas together as man and wife. We would save back one small present for each other to exchange at midnight on Christmas night - it was never anything big - just small gifts that we shared when it was just the two of us together. That special time together is what I miss more than anything. What I did last year at midnight was talk to him as if he were here and told him all about the day - what happened at his family's and what happened at mine, how much I missed him and wished that he could have been here to share in the day.
In some respects my situation and frame of mind may be a bit different from some. My husband was very ill the last 4 years of his life, he was bedridden most of the time and unable to get out much. I took care of him those years and we grew closer than we had ever been. About 9 months before he died we found out that he had terminal cancer. He suffered so much during those years from the cancer and the other health issues he had. I pictured in my mind that Christmas last year was the best Christmas he had ever had because he was with the One whose birth we celebrate - what peace and joy that brought to me.
But up until that realization I too could not put up a Christmas Tree, I did not cook, I did not go out looking at all the lights and decorations (one friend who thought they were doing something nice for me surprised me by trying to take me out to look but I broke down in tears because WE always did that during the holidays), I too resent men and women who complain about their spouses and their children and sometimes just want to shout at them "Be thankful and grateful that your loved one is still here with you because life can change in the blink of an eye and they might not be here tomorrow"
This year will be easier because I know where he is and I know he too will be celebrating - we will just not be together for it. I am getting to the point where I have good memories returning - I don't just remember that bad that was so fresh in my mind.
May peace and joy visit you this Christmas season and descend upon your heart like a dove. Blessings to all this Christmas.
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| 11/30/2007 12:28:24 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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lotsafuninpa
Tioga, PA
age: 67
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My big problem is----I've lost so many in such a short time,but this year for some reason it is really tearing me apart---piece by piece---
I know they are all in heaven enjoying their holiday,but it still seems to tear me apart.
I tried to decorate outside and in---I did it,but I have no joy in any of them.
I went to the cemetery and raked all the leaves--Had my hubby's new wreath--but my daughters
was the wrong one--it was a lighted wreath--ooo--my.
I don't know how to get through this--I feel like I'm going batty.
I have my mom w/ my sister buried on top of her.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Next is my daughter~~~~~~~then my hubby.all right together----I could literally kick those headstones until they fall over--guess i'm really mad because they left me.--sorry------
CRYING BIG PUDDLE OF TEARS RIGHT NOW--SAY A PRAYER FOR ME---HUGS--pAT.
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| 11/30/2007 1:50:25 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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butterfly58
Arcadia, MO
age: 59
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Well let's see what my thoughts are on this since I lost my husband in February/2007
It's been an ever changing year for me and these holidays are really the pits. Before he died we talked at great lengths as to how I was going to go on with a life without him. Told me to lock him away in my heart and find someone to make me laugh and be happy as I was with him. The place I live is the only place that we shared together and I know I need to move on from here--get rid of his dogs and the constant memory of him. But as a tribute to him I'm trying desperately to make it through the winter and holidays here but I'm not that sure that I can. Thought I found the one who could bring that happiness but he has his own demons to slay. I guess I'm at the point of being angry he died and so miserable with finances. That's irrational I know but I lock myself away in this house and do my grieving in private. Since I'm not a very religious person that doesn't help a lot besides I'm a little angry with HIM right now for allowing me to care so much only to take him away so soon. Always been a very independent self controlled person that handles everything logically but this has stopped me cold and no, I'm not handling it well. SSShhh! Don't tell my family though because they think I'm doing so well with everything!!
Meanwhile I chat with everyone/meet with crazy @ss guys with so many hangups of their own/deal with the scammers/married guys and the ones that are so set in their ways that couldn't be in a real relationship if their life depended on it. Guess I should count myself lucky to have so many opportunities when I hear somebody else's story on here. Things could always be worse but for now I honesty don't know how that can be.
Enough of this!!! Follow my own advice---BE HAPPY--LAUGH--AND MOVE ON!! Easier said than done!!!!! As I keep reminding myself I AM A SURVIVOR!!! AND I WILL SURVIVE THIS!!
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| 11/30/2007 4:04:51 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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wrexall9
Canyon, TX
age: 47
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I have been there and feel your pain.
I have cried your tears.
There is no easy fix, you simply have to find the good parts of your loss and move on.
It made me a stronger person and set me in my own ways. I don't do a lot of the things we used to do and I have been a "third wheel" so many times I can't even count, but it is part of who I am and who I will always be.
Keep a song in your heart and a smile on your face and know you will always be together.
That is the glue that's kept me together all these years.
Happy Holidays! and may the Lord always shine his light in your soul.
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| 11/30/2007 9:46:06 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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cottagebithec
Utica, NY
age: 60
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Libra,
As you have seen everyone who has talked to you here, knows your pain. We can't take it away for you, just as no one can take ours, but we've let you know ,in our way, that we do understand your pain.
I believe it helps all of us who have written here too. It can help a great deal to "write" about your feelings... whether the feeling is anger, heartbreak, loneliness, longing, resentment, jealousy, indecision, rejection, other peoples inability to understand, coping and even wanting to die yourself, if YOU can write those feelings down in a type of journal, to be seen only by you... it WILL help you!
I used a notebook I had laying around the house... and I thought I wouldn't be able to put "it" into words. I had never kept a journal. What I did was look at the blank page and started writing... "Dear, Dear, Charlie..." The pages are tear stained and the notebook is a little tattered now. I would run to get it when I felt that overwhelming sadness. I wrote about anything and everything. Sometimes talking to him and other times just trying to express what I couldn't confide in anyone else and the feelings I thought were inexpressible.
I hope this makes some sense to you and I'm sorry it is so long, but I wanted to try and describe this to you as a tool for you, especially now.
I still have the notebook. I will destroy it someday, but for now I still need it. He was my great love and when the pain became so difficult, I would start writing. It didn't have to be grammatically correct, no [spellcheck] available, no sentence structure... just the feelings put into words. Sometimes an incident with the family that upset me and I wanted to tell him about it, what would he do about replacing the furnace and the flood in the basement that first year? You will surprise yourself with how the words start to flow.
When I didn't "need" to write I wouldn't. When the time that passed between those writings became more distant, I would start from the beginning page and read. I saw myself healing then suffering then healing again. It gave me a picture of my journey through this and to see that I was slowly getting stronger and well. Because, my dear Libra, we are "ill" with great suffering through this.
I wrote to him when I started dating, when my three new grandchildren were born, when I turned 60 and didn't like it. I will write again... about the holidays, about how much I love him and miss him in my life.
Please try this.
your friend, cottage
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| 11/30/2007 11:21:42 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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libra75
Garfield, AR
age: 33
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I WILL try....I want you all to know that I do appreciate your comments, suggestions, etc...i feel so much about this subject but cant put it all down......
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| 12/1/2007 5:48:23 AM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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aprilviolet
New Milford, CT
age: 59
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My husband had been gone only a few months when I spent my first Christmas without him. I did put up a tree but I hung a picture ornament of the two of us on the tree. The picture was taken on the Christmas morning we had just announced our engagement to my parents. My daughter put her father's picture in a heart peace frame that she had made in college. The kids did their best to support me. We had to grieve separately after his service in August as both my kids had to go back to PA right after. My daughter was starting her junior year at college and my son had to go back to work to keep his job. Christmas was a chance to spend some time remembering together. Marc has been gone seven years now. I still miss him on the holidays but things are better than they were. However this may be the first Christmas morning I wake up without anyone around and that will be hard. I should see the kids in the afternoon though but I miss things the way they were.
Aprilviolet
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| 12/2/2007 11:53:46 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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waterspirit
Olympia, WA
age: 53
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Do you ever dream that it's all ok your life is normal..he's in the other room or on the phone and you wake up. Alone again...and another bad day begins. I hate this time of year. I want to just skip it. Is there somewhere that doesn't celebrate this season? If I could just be there a few hours it would help.
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| 12/3/2007 11:03:02 AM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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libraryliz
Martinsville, VA
age: 58
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Yes it is hard. You hang on by a thread sometimes. If I can make it thru work and get home where I can let go. Driving and dancing helped with my grief. Music does soothe me tremendously. It takes time. I will have to write some more later.
But I have been the hostess with the mostest. Crying in private. "I'm doing all right," I say with my hostess smile.
Today is 2 years. I have to go get in the van and drive some or crank up the radio and dance. Talk with you later.
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| 12/4/2007 2:58:38 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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libraryliz
Martinsville, VA
age: 58
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better today. thanks.
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| 12/4/2007 5:57:51 PM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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libra75
Garfield, AR
age: 33
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Waterspirit....I wake up..every day..& the first thought on my mind when I see emptiness beside me is " where is Lydia, where did she go?" Then I finally realize....& I begin every day w/ 20 minutes of crying..............
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| 12/5/2007 5:55:47 AM |
Getting through the holidays w/o your spouse........... |
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61sunshine
North Augusta, SC
age: 62
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This will be the third Christmas without Jim. The past two I, like Liz, I put on my hostess smile and pretended all was right with the world. I won't do that this year. Have even given some thought to going off somewhere by myself and let the day pass quietly. Christmas is doublely hard for me having had my first husband die on Christmas Eve 1994 and Jim dieing the 28 of Dec. 2004. I spent Christmas 2004 at his bedside watching him die and praying for God not to take him on Christmas. He gave us 3 more days. There is nothing that makes it easier. They say time heals but Ed has been gone 13 years and I still miss him. After all, he was the father of my children and we had a wonderful life together.
Just hang in there.
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