Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?

12/7/2010 8:08:07 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
daretobeyou Fishers, IN 34, joined Nov. 2010	I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
12/7/2010 8:10:42 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
jammil Valdosta, GA 31, joined Apr. 2010	You do realize down here that seems to be 50-66% of the women I've had contact down here with right? They're dateable, but I haven't had much long term success with them as of yet.
12/7/2010 8:17:59 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
nothereyoudont Albuquerque, NM 49, joined Jul. 2010	Sometimes I wonder if there are any attractive females who haven't been sexually abused as children/teens. Dating them is possible (like it's possible to wrestle with a grizzly bear), but recommended....not so much.
12/7/2010 8:22:25 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
morningowl67 Manchester, NH 47, joined Aug. 2010	Quote from daretobeyou: I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) I would, but at the same time, I understand why you are asking. A person must be prepared for it. If I went into a relationship not knowing they or their children were abused, that might cause issues. I am normally quite sensitive anyway, but what if I do something or say something that triggers that memory? If I know ahead of time, at least I have a better idea of how to carry myself around that person. I tend to be sarcastic and a joker sometimes, and I can inadvertently hurt their feelings. As a matter of fact, just emailing someone on here I did just that, I had good intentions, but what I said was not taken lightly. Never meant for that, but it happened. So, in a way, I guess I would potentially feel I have to walk on eggshells. If the attraction and circumstances are right though, I would date someone with that type of history as long as I am well informed.
12/7/2010 8:23:52 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
farmer959 Webster, KY 53, joined Oct. 2010	they are very dateable,,just takes time and trust and support on the part of the parnter involed,,,,,,,,
12/7/2010 8:28:37 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
s_pearl Cincinnati, OH 51, joined Sep. 2010	I was one of those victims. I prefer to call myself a survivor, though. Yes, I am dateable. Now. However, for years after the abuse I had a completely different view of the world in general and of men specifically. I wouldn't date a victim of abuse if sufficient time and counseling hadn't taken place. I would also want to be sure that this individual has demonstrated stability in their life before I would consider an intimate relationship, i.e. 'dating' (and I am not referencing sexual intimacy here). I would explore how they interact with relatives, co-workers, and friends. What does there social-spectrum consist of? If it would be a world of 'two' - him and I only - I would run away. I would also learn about specific habits that may be covering up unresolved issues related to the abuse...excesses in drinking, gambling, drug-use (prescribed or illegal), and believe it or not - sexual promiscuity. There's a lot more to look for and be aware of...must be a specific site that covers this topic exhaustively.... Hope this helps a little and I would be willing to provide more data via email if needed or desired.
12/7/2010 8:33:10 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
obi_rob Greenwood, IN 46, joined Sep. 2010	I think it would take an amazing amount of empathy and patience. But yes. They are eminently "datable". I also think that dating someone who's child had suffered abuse is possible. Again, stress on the empathy and patience... but moreover seeing as how it's not "your" child the communication should filter through the childs parent to establish guidelines. I would and I have dated people in both scenarios. It's not an easy thing. Fraught with frustration. The walls built up by both the mother and the daughter, unfortunately, proved to great for the relationship. Recovery from abuse of any sort can be made easier from open communication with a trusted companion. At some point or another anyhow... that timeline is different for everyone. Joy multiplies when it is shared among friends, but grief diminishes with every division.
12/7/2010 8:39:11 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
s_pearl Cincinnati, OH 51, joined Sep. 2010	Quote from buzzy1290: Mind 2 b dealt with at a later date is another issue but again if they dont communicate how they feel i feel it wont work Which is why it's important to learn about their 'other' relationships. Communication is a primary key with this topic. But one worth bringing up in conversations prior to meeting face to face, in my opinion. I have made it my personal responsibility to share this experience with potential dates for three primary reasons: 1) I want them to know it is something I can talk about, that I have moved beyond being a 'victim' and did so many years ago. 2) Another reason I share is because I want them to have the choice to decide to date me or not. I wouldn't want them to feel I deceived them by not telling them this important detail about my past. 3) Despite the fact that I moved forward in a healthy way - I still have an emotional response when I smell 'Old Spice' cologne. That was what the abuser wore. So I explore and learn whether or not a man wears this cologne before a first date.
12/7/2010 8:40:21 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
onnightwings Raleigh, NC 51, joined Dec. 2009	Quote from s_pearl: I wouldn't date a victim of abuse if sufficient time and counseling hadn't taken place. QFT; otherwise you are in for a very frustrating experience (for both of you).
12/7/2010 8:56:39 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
sassybabeee Henrico, VA 63, joined Nov. 2010	Children/adults who are sexually abused handle it in different ways. There are many cases never reported. And in a lot of cases one never discloses that infomation to anyone. Op If you deal with cases of abuse then your training should provide you with data on this topic. In almost every instance the victim feels they deserved it or they were motivated to comply out of fear of some horrible retaliation. Rape shield laws are in place for a reason. Watch Law and Order SVU A lot of insite there on how society views these issues on both side of the coin. And there is lots of reading material in magazines such as psycology today.
12/7/2010 8:57:20 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
sassy_sarah87 Beverly, NJ 27, joined Sep. 2010	It depends. If the woman refuses to let go and move past it and wants to continually play the role of victim she's going to find it very difficult to find a good man (or woman in the case of someone who is gay) If however she can get past the abuse and not try to make everyone else pay the price for the actions of her abuser then she should find it quite easy to be dateable. Don't get me wrong. Thank God I was never the victim of sexual abuse and I can only imagine what kind of emotional scars something like that leaves on the victim but there comes a time when one has to learn to get past all of that and not try to make everyone else pay the price for what the abuser did.
12/7/2010 9:23:33 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
jammil Valdosta, GA 31, joined Apr. 2010	I've often run into victims of sexual abuse and for the most part they seem pretty well adjusted. Unfortunately, you can't get to them all before the abuse happens.
12/7/2010 9:35:46 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
smiley1960x San Diego, CA 54, joined Mar. 2010	I've known women who had received sexual abuse and you couldn't tell, and I've known others who just couldn't let go of it. It depends on how the individual has dealt with it (or has not). The past is the past unless you keep sticking the present's nose in it. I don't like to date women with children so haven't much opinion on that angle; however this is mostly about not liking the Psycho Mommy aspects and an abused child would tend to make that even more of a deal, I expect.
12/7/2010 9:37:40 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
nothereyoudont Albuquerque, NM 49, joined Jul. 2010	When she tells you that she 'isn't sure she's not in love with him' (that would be her grandpa, the abuser...), it's time for you to run for the hills..... Sadly, a true story.
12/7/2010 10:05:48 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
blue450 Caldwell, NJ 59, joined Jun. 2009	One young woman I dated briefly was very uptight during sex (no Oral/only Missionary) later revealed her brother had abused here for years starting when she was young. Another woman a friend set me up on a blind date with revealed after our fourth date that she had been abused and was on meds. (something not mentioned by friend who set us up) . I had more to share but you don't take messages form my age group!
12/7/2010 10:09:12 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
jammil Valdosta, GA 31, joined Apr. 2010	Quote from blue450: One young woman I dated briefly was very uptight during sex (no Oral/only Missionary) later revealed her brother had abused here for years starting when she was young. Another woman a friend set me up on a blind date with revealed after our fourth date that she had been abused and was on meds. (something not mentioned by friend who set us up) . I had more to share but you don't take messages form my age group! Sir, surprisingly I've probably run across a similar number in just my relatively small experience. It's a sad thing to see what it's like to be second place to such abuse. I couldn't be there in time to stop it.
12/7/2010 12:02:06 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
bigequipment Indianapolis, IN 37, joined Aug. 2010	i am really not sure "why"...this question is posted? "as if"...any Real TRUTH, you could hold back a river such as The Nile, would be true. i think the best answer it varies and depends.. But a better question, i wonder, is are people worth our time or dating when they are "victims", without abuse..? when we play the blame game and victimise ourselves and our experience, we may be limiting ourselves for true divinty. as all experiences, good or bad, or illusionary experiences (& this world we we exist in temporaly is 99% illusionary... but we limit ourselves to gain access to the world of the spirit, god, or The Source ( call it what you will)... when we blame,... once we accept a certain amount or 100% frankly to get to the heart of the matter quickly, we take our EGo out of the equation. EGO is the divider , not provider.. our EGO seperates us from a greater role in the universe and the world of divine, spirit, God, The Source.. EGO is the world of metaphoric "Tree of Knowledge"... and our cosmic challenge-Dharma, has been and always will be to return to the Tree of Life(metaphoricaly)..love & compassion. so to my answer our my own question, yes they are worth it, even without real abuse... the illusionary "victumisation" individuals creat for themselves, can be nudged away with a little light, love, compassion, and reassurance from others that are living in the energy of the The Tree of Life... "Blessed are those Poor in SPirit"..(Jesus on The Mt, speech) explanation, its because they shall seek him, God, The SOurce, love , light, and compassion... the thirtsty man, finds the best sources of water after all.. Shanti, Shanti, Namaste, God Bless...
12/7/2010 12:10:36 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
bigequipment Indianapolis, IN 37, joined Aug. 2010	?"Take no offense.That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place - so transcend your ego and stay in peace." - Dr. Wayne Dyer
12/7/2010 12:34:26 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
bnk1972 East Hartford, CT 42, joined Dec. 2010	wow. this is an interresting topic. Some of the replies would be very comforting to a person that has walked that road, and some of the others would have them close up and become defensive. I know quite a few people that have expeiranced different levels of abuse, and for the most part, they do not want people to know right away. They would rather not say anything, as they are looked at differently, and people walk on egg shels around them, therefore making the victim feel even more uncomfortable. Some people do not know how difficult it is for a victim to devulge this kind of information to anyone, let alone someone they have either have already been intimate with, or plan to. It takes an incredible amount of trust, and the victim needs to know that the trust they have is genuine, not a pitty act. It is inevitable that the partner of the victim is going to feel akward, therefore making the victim feel akward when and if the secret comes out. The whole thing is a vicous circle. I do however give credit to all of the wonderful partners, and strong victims that have been honest. It's not easy for either of them. "You will never get to the smooth sandy beach, if you dont track through the painful rocks, and sharp painful shells first" [Edited 12/7/2010 12:37:02 PM ]
12/7/2010 1:03:40 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
ironmuscle Santa Cruz, CA 39, joined Jun. 2008	Quote from jammil: You do realize down here that seems to be 50-66% of the women I've had contact down here with right? They're dateable, but I haven't had much long term success with them as of yet. I agree...a lot of women have been sexually abused or molested. I think some handle it differently. It doesn't necessarily mean that it will impact the relationship in a big way.
12/7/2010 5:03:25 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
thatpizzaguy Lebanon, PA 37, joined Nov. 2010	My ex was a victim, Her older brother did it to her when she was younger. I think it made her sexual desires a little off kilter but it was fine by me. I don't think that it should really be a factor if you care for someone.
12/7/2010 5:35:25 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
gemini7025 Euclid, OH 69, joined Jul. 2010	There's also the victim (or you may call her or him survivor) who does not know for sure, if they are really a victim, but because of other things in there life, that came from it, was judged by other people, were told," you had to have been molested, as a child" and blocked, it out. Certain things may bother you like the color on the walls, a picture in a home from the pass, may have been a focus point, to get away from the reality, of what was happening. It's not real, it didn't happen, or did it and by who, and what did that person do. As a child, if you were told you aren't allowed to say NO to me, for any reason, and when you do you get slapped across the face, you learn not to say "NO", when in actuality, you should have been taught, to say No, when when someone, is touching you in appropriately, but you was afraid to, for fear of that hard slap in the face. So after you know you've been raped, you hesitate to tell, and when someone approaches you again and You get up the nerve to say"NO" and it is not heard, you accept, you learn to deal with it, and life goes on. It take's years, to learn you don't have to live this way, and you are a person and you have rights, to want or not want to do something. Yes, there dateable, but have they dealt with the pass, or is it still a very big, unmentionable, to a big extent, because it isn't heard or responded to correctly. This is a hard one, to read, to respond to, but I feel it is necessary. Does a victim, know real love, when they can have it? I hope so, and it has nothing to do with sex, it is a feeling that has developed, between two people, here and on the phone. My hopes is its real, and I am willing to wait to find out.
12/7/2010 5:46:58 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mindovermatter6 Waterford, MI 54, joined Nov. 2008	Wow! Today I just read about a 31 year old Doctor her in Michigan who was charged with sexually assulting a 13-month old toddler. The child is in critical condition in Childrens hospital in Detroit Michigan. They say it's not the child's fault, but once they are broken they can't help but feel bad, and dirty about themselves. I once met a very handsome race car driver who was sexually assulted by his brother as a child, and he grew up gay, and I wanted to make him go straight. I met another young lady who was also sexually abused by her older brother, and she fell in love with him? - Go figure..., he was the best she ever had - so she said. A lot of individuals will not admit to being sexually abused by a family member. I thought being molested by my own grandfather - (without penetration at age 8) was bad, but the one thing I just don't get - is why anyone would be sexaully interested in an infant or child, they may be cute, but they have no curves, chest, or anything sexually attractive - just innocents, that some perve I guess wants to be the first to mare! What the hell is going through these peoples head - like some prosecutor from Florida, wanted to pay for sex (with a cop's - undercover) young child. He shows up in Michigan and is busted! - FREEK!!!!!! Life wasen't easy for me..., my older sister used to let her guy friends frequent my room at age 11 and 12 while I laid sleeping, I wake and their hands would be in places they shouldn't be. And then one of my mothers friends tried... and I said I would scream, and he left. I told my mother, she through him out and he went to Cal and raped and killed a young girl - that girl could have been me! I met a guy, who was a champion boxer at his high school and started dating him because he would not let anyone mess with me anymore - he punched out a few - wow! No it's not our fault that perves want to take advantage of our vulnerability.... I do have a trust issue with some men, but I was with my ex husband for 17 years. I just don't like men who are too agressive or fast - and I do have trouble with the sex thing, I feel so guilty sometimes - like I shouldn't be having sex with anyone, and sometimes when I do, I cry.... because I believe if none of that stuff happened in my childhood, I would have waited for sex and marriage, and had a stable long lasting relationship. It's still seems that when a male makes me feel uncomfortable (due to any type of abuse - physical, emotional, psychological I just fight or flee, and it's always me who leaves. I am datable but is the guy I'm dating worthy of dating - I loath perves! But decent understanding men they are alright.
12/7/2010 5:48:23 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
dateable1 Berea, KY 49, joined Sep. 2009	I find this question to be disturbing to say the least. Someone who has been sexually abused is no less dateable than someone who has been physically, emotionally or otherwise abused. They are also no less dateable than someone who grew up in a healthy, loving enviroment. Anybody is dateable; especially if they have found a healthy means of dealing with their past issues.
12/7/2010 6:02:33 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
lasttimesearch Blanchester, OH 50, joined Nov. 2009	I agree with the last statement.....why ask this? Does someone have to keep discussing it, everyone has a past and no one walks through life unaffected....somehow on some level being a victim of someone else, I would say to the OP and anyone questioning "Would you rather be dating the ones that made them victims?" We learn, we heal, we love.....we are not defined by what was done to us or by who did what to us....we must define ourselves and others by what we do ....to ourselves and others....or we continue to be victimized over and over in our souls.
12/7/2010 6:19:18 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mindovermatter6 Waterford, MI 54, joined Nov. 2008	Quote from dateable1: I find this question to be disturbing to say the least. Someone who has been sexually abused is no less dateable than someone who has been physically, emotionally or otherwise abused. They are also no less dateable than someone who grew up in a healthy, loving enviroment. Anybody is dateable; especially if they have found a healthy means of dealing with their past issues. Very well said dateable1 - No one really knows someones past until they start dating them, and though my family have not been in my life for many years, and I don't have to really tell anyone about it, I just don't want them to be shocked by the news from someone else. I really think I'd rather date someone who has been abused and have found a better way of coping with it - like helping out the abused by becoming a speaker, a mentor, a councelor...., a elder and child abuse advocate...., then some one who comes from a family that abuses drugs, alcohol and other addictions.... Boy these sexual abusers makes it very tough for the rest of us...., who want to help people understand how abuse affect/effects a persons personality for life. I was a boy scout leader from 1st to 6th grade for my youngest son, I always told him he should love and respect all women, and if you can't just leave them alone! Now he says I don't want some stupid girl taking my hard earned money! Awe, thats his father talking! Well, while I was a scout leader the Catholic priest were being accused of awful things, so I had to take a class in Saving Gods Children - Yep at a Catholic church - and our father at our church was a very decent guy who was born on Christmas day, so becoming a Priest he said was his calling. When children talked and visited with this Preist a parent was always present, so no one could accuse him of fowl play. It's sad, it's sad, it's very sad! One sleeze ball in a community can make it so hard to trust those who really want to help our young, and a lot of people don't want to get involved with our young for that very reason - they don't want to be falsely accused - sad that happens too.
12/7/2010 6:42:21 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
earthygirl68 Atlanta, GA 46, joined Mar. 2010	Wait a minute, now. That's as valid a question as any, and the answer would be that it depends on how mentally damaged or scarred the survivor is. If they are ready to date, then yes. Some never get to that point.
12/7/2010 6:47:00 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
75scott Salt Lake City, UT 39, joined Mar. 2010	Yes. With the caveat that she has to be dealing with her past. Closed off and it won't work. Patience is an absolute must.
12/7/2010 6:49:32 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
earthygirl68 Atlanta, GA 46, joined Mar. 2010	Yes sir...patience and trust.
12/7/2010 7:02:47 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
dateable1 Berea, KY 49, joined Sep. 2009	Quote from earthygirl68: Wait a minute, now. That's as valid a question as any, and the answer would be that it depends on how mentally damaged or scarred the survivor is. If they are ready to date, then yes. Some never get to that point. Earthy - In my opinion, it's a valid question for any form of abuse. Not just abuse of a sexual nature. The same points can be made of any victim of any type of abuse. You're very right, some people are not able to get beyond being a victim and dealing with the emotional damage. My point was that all people are datable. Relationship material? - may be another story all together.
12/7/2010 7:27:19 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
milo1234 Jacksonville, FL 49, joined Aug. 2008	Why not. Sexual abuse does not make a women unstable or poor relationship material. There are many out there that were never sexually assaulted and unstable as heck and many that were not and are great adjusted people. If a woman is awesome she will be whether she has been assaulted or not. I'm not so sure about your use of those stats or what they mean. I assume the truth is that incest is the most common Sexual abuse not the MOST common abuse. Not so sure if research is your strong point. http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm08/cm08.pdf As in prior years, the greatest proportion of children were neglected. CPS investigations or assessments determined that: ¦ More than 70 percent (71.1%) of victims suffered neglect; ¦ More than 15 percent (16.1%) of the victims suffered physical abuse; ¦ Less than 10 percent (9.1%) of the victims suffered sexual abuse; ¦ Less than 10 percent (7.3%) of the victims suffered from psychological maltreatment; and ¦ A child may have suffered from multiple forms of maltreatment and was counted once for each maltreatment type.
12/7/2010 8:52:21 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mindovermatter6 Waterford, MI 54, joined Nov. 2008	Sexual Abuse Survivor - Is There Hope? If you are a sexual abuse survivor, you have survived a terrible ordeal and are perhaps looking for some understanding and some peace of mind. I do not have all the answers, but I am a sexual abuse survivor and I can identify with the feelings you are experiencing. I have finally found peace of mind and I would like to share with you some thoughts on how to overcome this unimaginable pain. Do you know why you're a survivor? Some may call it fate, survival of the fittest, mental or emotional fortitude, or divine intervention. What is it for you? Sexual Abuse Survivor - Accepting The Past Sexual abuse survival involves accepting the past abuse - facing the fact that it happened. No matter what type of sexual abuse (whether incest or a by stranger) or how tragic its consequences, acceptance of the past is vital. Accepting the past is an essential step toward not only surviving, but to overcoming. Examine your past, with a trained professional, if possible. Look at how you coped with the abuse while it was occurring. What were your thoughts? Did you feel anger, hatred, or melancholy? Did you blame yourself or perhaps feel guilty (or unclean)? Did you turn inward, living in your own world? Did you tell someone? Did that person ignore you? Did you ignore the abuse and hope it would go away? Did you pray to God and ask Him to intercede, but the abuse continued? How did you feel about yourself? About others? Were there trust issues? If so, with whom? Were there problems with authority? Were you distant and aloof, perhaps shy - struggling to communicate like other children? Or did you hide by being outgoing when you were really in a state of denial? Maybe you were afraid to turn inward and deal with the onslaught of feelings and thoughts. Maybe you just didn't know what to do or how you felt. Not surprisingly, what happened to us in the past is often carried into the present. Sexual Abuse Survivor - Living In The Present If you're a sexual abuse survivor, how are things going now? As a survivor myself (incest/homosexual activities by my grandfather), I confess that I struggle with the effects of sexual abuse - feelings of anger, hatred, sadness, guilt, and shame toward my abuser and indirectly toward myself. Sometimes these feelings and thoughts can get in the way, interfering with other relationships. As a sexual abuse survivor, do you experience similar feelings? Do you ever wonder why me, what did I ever do to deserve the abuse? If so, you are not alone. Unfortunately, these feelings and thoughts do not magically disappear. From personal experience and from talking with other adult survivors of sexual abuse, I've discovered we share and exhibit similar thoughts and feelings, yet struggle to find an outlet. As a survivor, I simply want to be heard and understood. I want someone I can identify with. I want to be told that I am okay. When a person has been abused sexually, thoughts like I'm not ok and I will never be okay seem to become ingrained in the psyche. In addition, there are often problems with self-acceptance, guilt, condemnation, feelings of never measuring up, and so on. Those feelings are incorrect. We are okay, and we can live a life of victory! A proactive approach to dealing with past abuse involves getting help and taking an introspective look at what happened. Tragically, many sexual abuse survivors choose to avoid help. The confusion of unresolved sexual abuse can lead some people to go from victim to perpetrator. Or the survivor learns to cope through self-abuse, like drugs and alcohol or develops an addiction to sex or pornography. Many abuse survivors believe they cannot get past what happened to them. If the abuse came from the same sex, this may unfortunately lead to later interaction with same sex. If the abuse was perpetrated by someone of the opposite sex, such as a father and daughter, the daughter often seeks to fill this void through promiscuity. She is really looking for love, and has learned that she will find it through sexual activity. Of course, she does not find love, but heartache and sometimes more abuse or even disease. These lies can only lead to shattered hearts and lives. If the need or void is not dealt with proactively, the abuse often survives in the survivor. Shadows of the abuse live on in various forms, because the abuse victim looks for satisfaction in the wrong ways or places. Having never known genuine love, the abuse survivor can only imitate love in return. Is there a way to overcome the past? I believe there is. Let's take a look at some possible solutions for healing sexual abuse. This was found on line....
12/7/2010 8:59:26 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
daniel143 Holbrook, MA 24, joined Dec. 2010	yes
12/7/2010 9:12:25 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
lisa_sweets Worcester, MA 46, joined Sep. 2010	Quote from daretobeyou: I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) its a challenge
12/7/2010 9:15:31 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
lisa_sweets Worcester, MA 46, joined Sep. 2010	Quote from daretobeyou: I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) I'm a survivor Its a challenge...not just for the HE in my life but for ME as well. Trust plays the key. With it, anything wonderful is possible.
12/7/2010 9:39:51 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
deelite101 Oakville, CA 53, joined Nov. 2010	15% abused sexually? Just like the gov. to get it wrong again! I can safely say out of all the woman that I have known, its got to be 70 to 80 %!!! The key is trust and not being pushy for what you want, always look to the others needs! This I have lived by, and the tragic crap that I have helped woman to "FLUSH" has not been without pain, but has been ever so enlighting about what woman have, will, and do, go thru in this life!
12/7/2010 9:42:59 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mustangwriter Boerne, TX 54, joined Nov. 2009	Dateable perhaps..... but not marriage material. I dated a girl years ago that had been kidnapped and raped. She went from nympho to don't touch me in a split second. Weird. But... she wasn't a child when this happened.
12/7/2010 9:43:37 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
micmac01979 Boulder, CO 35, joined Feb. 2010	Considering the sheer volume of people who have been (something like 40% of women by the time they're 18 years old?), I would bet that most men here have dated women who were sexually abused at some point, whether they know it or not. I know I have. My wife (now my ex) was a victim of rape years before we got married. It happens to more people than most folks would like to think.
12/7/2010 10:41:19 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
th6231 Point Pleasant Beach, NJ 67, joined Jul. 2007	A mature person can date and be understanding and patient. Millions of people who have been victimized, date and marry and go on with life---I suppose just as many DON'T and they suffer some agony that they cannot rid themselves of.
12/7/2010 10:50:12 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
rearrenge Vallejo, CA 34, joined Nov. 2010	Quote from s_pearl: I was one of those victims. I prefer to call myself a survivor, though. Yes, I am dateable. Now. However, for years after the abuse I had a completely different view of the world in general and of men specifically. I wouldn't date a victim of abuse if sufficient time and counseling hadn't taken place. I would also want to be sure that this individual has demonstrated stability in their life before I would consider an intimate relationship, i.e. 'dating' (and I am not referencing sexual intimacy here). I would explore how they interact with relatives, co-workers, and friends. What does there social-spectrum consist of? If it would be a world of 'two' - him and I only - I would run away. I would also learn about specific habits that may be covering up unresolved issues related to the abuse...excesses in drinking, gambling, drug-use (prescribed or illegal), and believe it or not - sexual promiscuity. There's a lot more to look for and be aware of...must be a specific site that covers this topic exhaustively.... Hope this helps a little and I would be willing to provide more data via email if needed or desired. It is such a great feedback thank you !!!!
12/7/2010 11:12:19 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
bbw47reader Frederick, MD 52, joined Jun. 2009	Quote from milo1234: Why not. Sexual abuse does not make a women unstable or poor relationship material. There are many out there that were never sexually assaulted and unstable as heck and many that were not and are great adjusted people. If a woman is awesome she will be whether she has been assaulted or not. I'm not so sure about your use of those stats or what they mean. I assume the truth is that incest is the most common Sexual abuse not the MOST common abuse. Not so sure if research is your strong point. http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm08/cm08.pdf As in prior years, the greatest proportion of children were neglected. CPS investigations or assessments determined that: ¦ More than 70 percent (71.1%) of victims suffered neglect; ¦ More than 15 percent (16.1%) of the victims suffered physical abuse; ¦ Less than 10 percent (9.1%) of the victims suffered sexual abuse; ¦ Less than 10 percent (7.3%) of the victims suffered from psychological maltreatment; and ¦ A child may have suffered from multiple forms of maltreatment and was counted once for each maltreatment type. Yes, but consider that that is out of CPS investigations. Neighbors and teachers and family members see and report neglect without the child having to tell. They don't see who sneaks into their bedroom at night.
12/7/2010 11:15:11 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mischiefmanaged Bellevue, WA 45, joined Jul. 2010	Quote from daretobeyou: Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable? This is tricky. A victim might think I'm being insensitive, but they're wrong. I wouldn't date a victim of sexual abuse. I would (and have) date a "survivor" though.
12/7/2010 11:20:47 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
somethingrare Abilene, TX 52, joined Jul. 2009	I think the only person to realy know the answer to that question is the victim themselves. Are they able to have a relationship without issues? Does the past affect their actions, reactions, choices or such? What does the victim do that might cause it to be an issue or a problem with the person they desire to be with? I don't understand why one's background in this area would be an issue to be honest. I've known women in my past that had things happen to them. I feel bad for them, but would have been willing to date them. I didn't because the ones I meet were a long time ago when I was married and I was always a faithful husband. And many of them did end up in relationships. I'd like to believe their lives turned out great. I never saw anything that would make them any different than other women. Though I will also say I have limited knowledge in this area. Just wouldn't see why it would be an issue to the man. I could see how the woman would be less trusting of men though. Heck I wouldn't blame such a woman if she hated men in general over such an ordeal. I did have one friend that said she didn't judge all men to be the same. That she learned to deal with what took place. She had a child due to the rape. She raised the child as her own, it wasn't the childs fault what the father had done and it was a gift to her all the same. I admired her courage and strength. Heck my "Ex" was more undatable than that woman. To bad I was married at the time I meet that other woman. So no, I would not find a problem in dating such a woman as long as it did not hinder the relationship she and I developed. I'd be more worried that I was "Undateable" in her eyes. LOL
12/8/2010 1:04:57 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
zoocitykitty Greensboro, NC 41, joined Sep. 2010	The problem with sexual abuse or any horrific abuse is that the victim of the abuse needs extensive therapy, otherwise they "can" continue the cycle of abuse and have mental issues that have an effect on their relationships. The majority of women and men in porn have had sexual abuse and same goes for strippers. These are not my thoughts, this is fact. I learned about this in several of my counseling classes and group therapy classes. Basically, some of those that have been sexually abused degrade themselves and feel they need to feel the pain over and over by allowing ones to use them for sex. They lack the ability to completely love someone without feeling the person they are with are too good for them, or rather that they are not worthy of anything good. Although these are facts, there are many abused individuals that can come to grips with their pain, see that they are not to blame and become true and wonderful individuals that would never do anything bad to another person, whether it be abuse or cheating to run from their pain. If I met someone that has been sexually abused, I would want to know they have no issues before getting into a serious relationship with them and even at that, the issues can come out later in the relationship.
12/8/2010 1:27:22 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mikey2k Miami, FL 49, joined Jun. 2008	Quote from morningowl67: I would, but at the same time, I understand why you are asking. A person must be prepared for it. If I went into a relationship not knowing they or their children were abused, that might cause issues. I am normally quite sensitive anyway, but what if I do something or say something that triggers that memory? If I know ahead of time, at least I have a better idea of how to carry myself around that person. I tend to be sarcastic and a joker sometimes, and I can inadvertently hurt their feelings. As a matter of fact, just emailing someone on here I did just that, I had good intentions, but what I said was not taken lightly. Never meant for that, but it happened. So, in a way, I guess I would potentially feel I have to walk on eggshells. If the attraction and circumstances are right though, I would date someone with that type of history as long as I am well informed. It is also very important that the person who was raped receives therapy, because rape is a heinous crime that leaves its victim bruised for lifetime otherwise. I have known some rape victims very closely and feel sad for them because they are unable to help themselves without therapy and some how in the society we reside in, going to a shrink is considered a bad medicine which I never understand why. IF THERE IS A WILL, THERE IS A WAY.
12/8/2010 2:01:31 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
milo1234 Jacksonville, FL 49, joined Aug. 2008	Quote from bbw47reader: Yes, but consider that that is out of CPS investigations. Neighbors and teachers and family members see and report neglect without the child having to tell. They don't see who sneaks into their bedroom at night. ------------- I understand BB that all SA and incest does not get reported and added to stats. Even less reported are incidents of physical abuse and emotional abuse and male victimhood because that often does not get reported either unless severe. I do understand that many females and men are sexually assaulted as children-more often by men. Anyone being sexually is one too many. that is for sure. However, 20 year old studies, of highly political and fundraising nature always require logical scrutiny. In the 60s and 70s the domestic violence mainstream pundits perpetuated beliefs that it was impossible for a women to abuse a man due to one sided surveys. Those still continue today as well.
12/8/2010 2:05:45 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
bbw47reader Frederick, MD 52, joined Jun. 2009	Oh, I'm aware.
12/8/2010 7:25:16 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mindovermatter6 Waterford, MI 54, joined Nov. 2008	I must say that I am a survivor of all kinds of childhood abuse, but I still find it hard to tolerate any forms of emotional or psychological abuse - why? Well, the physical abuse healed, but some scare tissue remains, and the sexual abuse well..., it left me fearing any kind of sexual intimacy - though I like it with some I feel comfortable with, it takes me a long time to warm up.... Its just that damn emotional and psychological abuse - damn I just don't want to associate with anyone - and now I'm called a loser..., a loner - go figure. Ive been disconnected from my own family for a very long time due to sexual, emotional and psychological abuse - and now my abusers are calling me, and wanting to associate with me - because they are alone, lonely, or are in need of financial or physical and emotional help - with their addictions - and I just don't want to help them - so now again I'm the bad gal. No one will ever know what these people have done to me! To say the least the trauma I experienced while with these so called loved ones and family members have left me with frightened memories - just knowing trouble always follows every time I have any association with them, I hold a feeling of being in constant danger around some of them. I've become aware that in order for an adult survivior to cope and deal with the pain that was caused by their childhood abuse and neglect - is to disconnect from the people who have harmed them, and it is very hard for one to recover from psychological and emotinal trauma and extraordinary stressful events that has shattered their sense of self their security and left them pretty much helpless and vurnerable - and thinking the whole world is a dangerous place. - Being overwhelmed and alone can be also very tramatic, even if their is not physical abuse! And there has alway been a hand full of people that I have known, associated with, and have loved who liked to pull those damn triggers! Through my teens I moved from one unsafe environment to the next, that were also filled with more sexaul, physical, verbal abuse and domestic violence - and if the trouble I've experienced at home wasent bad enough... I ran into my share of bullies at school and work that left those places unbearable to go to. I was sick of feeling sad and hopeless, sick of feeling guilty, ashamed and blamed for everything that when wrong in all my relationships - so I withdrawan, disconnected and grown numb, because the troubles at home made it very hard to function and work and establish a good satisfying relationship outside the home. Everytime I started to do something good and productive in my life they would come back and try to knock me down! Loving an addict is like loving an adult survivor of child abuse - you lose them over and over again - because they are still running away from all the pain! And with every failed relationship, I was left to recycle the same old shit over and over again. I just can tolerate any kind of psychological or emotioal abuse! So my abusers want me back - for what? It is very difficult to emotionally detach oneself from their abuser..., but you have to leave to live and keep your sanity and sense of self - you have to be on guard - to be able to disarm their ability to hurt you. Hey - love does not conquer all - when its distorted, twisted, abusive, sick and disfunctional - you can cry for help until you drown in your own tears - and no one want to help you for fear of being pulled down in your flood your fears. Continuing to help for the best from someone who consistently sets up up with pain and disillusionment is not good. The very person who claims to love you - is the very person who makes you feel helpless, powerless and incompetent, the one who blames you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship - is the very person who holds you responsible for caring for the family making them feel warm loved and comfortable - but to hell with you - you can no longer think of yourself for fear of not living up to your role, and being called not good enough. -Why do you want me around - if I'm not that good? These people are destructive and toxic because no matter what you do for them it will never be good enough. Note: they don't love you they just want to control and destroy your life. Minodovermatter
12/8/2010 7:43:57 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mindovermatter6 Waterford, MI 54, joined Nov. 2008	I fear getting close to anyone, because I don't want to posion inside me to spew out. I have a lot of regrets, and one of them is I think I became kind of like my emotional abusers..., and I don't want to hurt anyone in any way with my own pain. There has been a lot of people who have wanted to date me, but if I don't feel that love, understanding and respect - I don't want to associate with them. Its sad because, from me my offsprings thus suffered the same fate as well..., and I can't help them because I'm still broken. Will it ever end - we do need more programs for adult child abuse and domestic abuse surviviors!!!!!! Mindovermatter
12/8/2010 7:52:50 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
nothereyoudont Albuquerque, NM 49, joined Jul. 2010	How anyone can be 'turned on' by a child is beyond me also. Like the grandpa I mentioned, he apparently started paying nightly visits to the girl when she was 5. I met her at 19, and he hadn't stopped. 19 I get, 5 - WHAT THE????!!!!???? Must be something wrong deep inside the mind of such people, probably not fixable. Except with a bullet or a noose.
12/8/2010 7:53:51 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
couldbesmarter Bastrop, LA 39, joined Jul. 2010	have dated a few ladies that were sexually abused. ALL but one so far has shown to be a basket case. They jumped to man to man, without having respect for any of them. If I hadn't been done bad by them, I would feel sorry.
12/8/2010 9:20:21 AM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
almostkinky Alpharetta, GA 62, joined Nov. 2010	We are affected by our experiences, not defined by them. We are shaped but not cast in concrete by them. We are responsible for our futures and those in our past only have a say so if and when we let them Short answer is, Of course I would so long as they are not a victim, today and so long as they realize a person victimized them, not all people. Some people's damage is too great for even trained professionals to correct. At best they can help mitigate the damages. I do not look to take on a project but I NEVER hold ANYTHING int the past against a person as a date or S/O. Strength and desire overcome abuse, They do not overcome the past abuse for me, but for them.
12/8/2010 7:25:25 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
prettylipz4u197 Stroudsburg, PA 40, joined Dec. 2010	i was a victim of sexual abuse and i have dated after tat but it took 5 yrs.
12/8/2010 7:52:10 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
zorro2277 Bushnell, FL 79, joined Oct. 2010	Quote from daretobeyou: I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) You asked only if one of a a victim of incest is datebale. The answer must be yes. But if one accpect to have a normal relationship,from experience,I say NO. Unles the victim of such incest is totally cured,if that is possible. Simply because at every sexual contact every time she re-lives those damageing experinces of incest. The big question is how could a man know all that in advance,no lady would advertise,or disclose. Best advice is ,when you notice anything, that may be a red-flag,break off!!!
12/8/2010 8:09:14 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
zorro2277 Bushnell, FL 79, joined Oct. 2010	Quote from s_pearl: Which is why it's important to learn about their 'other' relationships. Communication is a primary key with this topic. But one worth bringing up in conversations prior to meeting face to face, in my opinion. I have made it my personal responsibility to share this experience with potential dates for three primary reasons: 1) I want them to know it is something I can talk about, that I have moved beyond being a 'victim' and did so many years ago. 2) Another reason I share is because I want them to have the choice to decide to date me or not. I wouldn't want them to feel I deceived them by not telling them this important detail about my past. 3) Despite the fact that I moved forward in a healthy way - I still have an emotional response when I smell 'Old Spice' cologne. That was what the abuser wore. So I explore and learn whether or not a man wears this cologne before a first date. When you can speack openly about the abuse (incest or whatever else) you demonstrate that you have made great advances overcoming the abuse you were victim of. Yet ,on the other hand, even the smell of a particular cologne seem to push you right back to that past,that still does controls you. Clearly you have not overcome even the slightest reminder of the abuse. So,if you meet a man that you really feel for,but he wears Old Spice,does that instantly kill the chance of developeing a true relationship ? How would you overcome that ?
12/8/2010 8:46:50 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
blyndndef Hampton, VA 36, joined Apr. 2010	Quote from daretobeyou: I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) It doesn't make them any less of a person. But depending the circumstances I prolly wouldnt date someone who allowed thier child to suffer such. It would just make me question thier ethics and parenting. Thats something like I said depending the circs. ButIt doesn't make them any less.
12/8/2010 9:17:55 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mcprex Marion, IN 38, joined Dec. 2008	I was married to a woman who was sexually abused as a kid. It didnt work out. She always used her abuse as an excuse for a lot of things including cheating. I told her that she needed to get counceling to help her through the issues she had. Told her she needed to work on herself before we could work on us. Well she refused and low and behold I'm divorced. Ive dated many girls and it seems like most of them have either been melested or raped. It has all been at a younger age. I think parents should step up to the plate and not let their teens date until they are a little older so this kind of thing doesn't happen. I understand you caant stop all cases but this would help put a big dent in it. I feel for any tyoe of abuse victim and worry to death about my little one for when she gets older. I know I'd casterate someone who would even try to do that to my daughter.
12/8/2010 9:42:21 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
mindovermatter6 Waterford, MI 54, joined Nov. 2008	blyndndef- I prolly wouldnt date someone who allowed thier child to suffer such. It would just make me question thier ethics and parenting. The abused is pretty much skewed..., this is a tough topic, my parents didn't sexually abuse me, but my father wasen't there to protect me so I blamed him for a long time - though he never touched me. Neither of my parents wanted to care for me - homeless and on the streets, I was in a car accident that put me in a comma - I woke for a moment and seen my parents arguing over me about who was going to care for me when I recovered, and I went back into a deep sleep - a 3 month comma. Dad was the lucky parent who got to take me home from the hospital. I didn't live with him more than 4 months when one morning, I was having cramps and I took to pills, and one was lodged in my throat. I was choking and he just sat there legs crossed reading the paper, and eating breakfast, drinking coffee. I fell to the floor, I couldn't breath, I couldn't breath. And he just sat there. My brother came in from school and seen me laying on the floor and I had my hands on my neck gasping - my brother saved my life. And he grabbed my father and asked "what the fk were you thinking old man! And hit him. Seems like the old man had a life insurance policy on me since I came out of the hospital...., he would have collected if I choked to death on those pills. A few days later I went to stay with some old friend, who introduced me to my daughters father withing a week of leaving home - and there I went into another abusive relationship! Gee some parents are aholes!
12/8/2010 9:45:05 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
sunleo Billings, MT 29, joined Jul. 2008	Quote from daretobeyou: I'm curious about this one. In my field of work, I handle cases with all different types of abuse and neglect. Did you know that sexual abuse/incest is the MOST common form of abuse involving children (Hays, 1990). So my question is how do you feel about dating a man or woman who's been a victim of sexual abuse? And would you ever date someone who's child suffered such abuse at one time? Why or why not? (And please keep this a polite discussion....it's a very serious topic but one I'd like feedback on) It would depand on what type of issues their are and how big the impacted they would have on the reationship. I wont date single mother.
12/8/2010 11:11:32 PM	Are victims of sexual abuse..dateable?
dbcooperlives Kokomo, IN 40, joined Mar. 2010	For some reason I seem to be a halfway house for abused women. I think it is because they know I wont judge them & I will let them deal with their problems as they feel ready to deal with them. It is alarming how many women are abused. It may seem like I am a player or I am running a game, but my girls come first & I take care of what they need. I am in a relationship with 5 girls right now, 3 have been severely sexually abused in ways I wont type,(I don't ever lie to any of them & to them I am a pitstop to a real relationship.) but I let them know we are friends & sex is not the reason for this relationship & They run things & I am just here to help. (Oddly it seems to work best if I am authoritative when I instruct them). Even worse, some girls I have known have been abuse different times in their lives ..like winning the lottery twice(The suck a** lottery). I have seen one girl battle with heroin, another use me as a verbal punching bag to raise her self esteem, one that only thinks sex is caring & now knows people care anyway. Some come off as whres & others come off as prudes or btches, but really...its a just a sad defense mechanism . I have been lucky with the ladys in my life & now I feel its time to give back. All it takes is to treat them like family & understand that you don't understand...you cant unless you where there & let them know you will always be there to help. So yes those girls are datable.....if your man enough.

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