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Dating site for those with chronic diseases...
by kevinbarry at 2/12/2010 7:29:22 PM


Sexploration — By Brian Alexander

Most of us do not have a chronic disease but for those who do or those who have friends who do, this article might be of value.

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35247848/ns/health-sexual_health/ns/health-sexual_health/

Lovesick: Hooking up over a shared disease. One online entrepreneur believes he has the answer to Valentine’s Day loneliness for people living with chronic diseases: match them up with someone with the same condition. But how much enduring love can a shared health condition really provide?

By Brian Alexander
msnbc.com contributor


An Internet entrepreneur named Ricky Durham believes he has the answer to Valentine’s Day loneliness for people living with chronic diseases or health conditions: match them up with other people who either have the same conditions or are, for some reason, looking for a lover who has them.

Desire a bipolar date? An irritable bowel romance? A herpetic lover? A fling with a fellow Tourette Syndrome sufferer? Durham’s Prescription4Love.com promises to match you up.

Other special interest dating sites have sprung up based on mutual health issues, especially STDs. Some sites offer a twist by also promising to match parties interested in, say, amputee devotion.

On the surface, seeking out a fellow sufferer makes sense. But a romance can be tough to keep going even for the fittest lovers. How much enduring love can a shared health condition provide?

“I’m starting to think that I am going to have to settle down with someone who has a chronic illness, too,” wrote one poster on a Crohn’s Disease message board. Crohn’s is an inflammatory bowel disorder often diagnosed in young people. It can lead to frequent abdominal pain and diarrhea and, in severe cases, necessitate removal of part of the colon or small intestine and the wearing of a colostomy or ileostomy bag. “I feel like a fraud presenting myself as someone who isn’t significantly affected by chronic illness, but who wants to date someone who is ill a large part of the time?”

“I’m in the same boat,” another board member replied. “I’m almost thinking of trolling the hospital wards for young, single men with a flare up!”

Dr. Suzanne Miller, a clinical psychologist and director of behavioral medicine at Philadelphia’s Fox Chase Cancer Center, understands the drive.

“Finding somebody similar to you in terms of having that personal disease history, understanding what it means to you psychologically and physically,” can have a very comforting effect, she said, just like any other shared experience can grease the wheels of bonding. A shared disease can bridge a very big gap most other people don’t face, she said, namely “what for you has become a new normal but for everybody else is very abnormal.”

For Thomas Grogan, a 44-year-old forensic document examiner in Charlotte, N.C., "cancer changed my outlook, and my priorities." As a seven-year survivor of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, "I view things differently now," said Grogan. Since his illness he joined Cisforcupid.com, a site for cancer survivors.

The logistics of navigating a fledgling relationship is another motivation, Grogan said. "At what point do you tell somebody you are a cancer survivor? I have had the experience of going out on dates, it gets to the third or fourth date and looks like something might develop, and I tell this person and they disappear."

Talking to fellow cancer patients and comparing diagnoses, though, is easy. "The disease is just understood and accepted," said Grogan.

While some people may see a former cancer patient as "damaged goods," having something as painful, personal and potentially embarrassing as a bowel condition can present even more of a challenge in the romance department.

Kelly McGregor, a 31-year-old San Jose, California college student and colitis (another inflammatory bowel disease) sufferer nearly gave up on relationships altogether. How could she explain that she might have to go to the bathroom 20 times a day, or that she might be incontinent in bed or might have a skin rash? After a surgery that removed most of her colon, she wore a bag for a time before a series of reconstructive surgeries created what is known as a “J-pouch,” a kind of internal bag.

She had a boyfriend when she was diagnosed “and he was loving and supportive, but I was very embarrassed. It did not matter to him, but I did not want to look at the pouch. I wanted it covered up. We were intimate very infrequently, and after we split up, I wasn’t with anyone for the next two or three years. I could not accept it myself, how could anybody else? It was repulsive to me. I did not put myself out there.”

She finally did find a new love, and some comfort, with a man who had Crohn’s. They were happy for about a year, largely because they were comfortable with each other. Then it fell apart.

“I think the downfall for us, with us both being so ill, was the self-isolation,” she said. “That wasn’t good. I originally thought that nobody would truly understand what I am going through and this [new relationship] would be wonderful, and 80 percent of that was true. But then we started to kind of snap at each other and start fights. After awhile, you start to kind of feed off each other and use the illness as an excuse.”

Rose-colored glasses
Her experience did not surprise Miller, the psychologist at Fox Chase. Often people with long-term health conditions are so pleased to simply find somebody they like who understands the inconveniences and challenges, she said, that “there is a very strong risk of overlooking things you should not overlook.”

Cancer survivors, diabetics, people with psychological disorders — anybody dealing with a chronic condition — can come to see that condition as the main thing in their lives. “Your sense of self is so wrapped up in your physical condition that becomes the main barrier to connecting with others. It becomes your new identity," said Miller. "But it is just one piece of your overall personality and your needs.”

The other person may have the same issue you’re facing, but is he or she an extrovert while you are an introvert? Messy while you are neat? A planner while you are spontaneous? We are more than our diseases.

Imagine the possible financial consequences of, say, two bi-polar people with a penchant for big spending during manic phases falling in love. Genetics are also a consideration. Many long-term conditions like depression, some cancers, Crohn’s, some auto-immune diseases and others, can involve inherited genetic risk. The children of two parents who both have Crohn’s, for example, have a greatly elevated risk of having an inflammatory bowel disease themselves.

None of which is to say that people who happen to have the same chronic health concern shouldn’t fall in love, necessarily, just that matchmaking based on disease is no panacea.

So if this Valentine’s Day prompts you to sign up for a dating Web site, you might want to mention your work, family, your “I Love Your Lucy” addiction, your antipathy for Lady Gaga and your preference for the feel of petroleum-based fabrics during sex. Talking about your latest lab results can wait.

Brian Alexander is the author of the book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction," now in paperback.


Comments
jennyann71



2/12/2010 7:31:33 PM

I love lady Gaga ,,,She thinks outside the box and I should think one needsz to be the dr to take care of the one that is ill.

kevinbarry
2/12/2010 7:32:57 PM

???? Jenny ????
jennyann71



2/12/2010 7:36:31 PM

Yes""""""darlin?

kevinbarry
2/12/2010 8:09:00 PM

Jenny - I cannot understand the Lady Gaga reference and how it relates to this blog. Help!!
pretty_moonpa



2/12/2010 8:27:28 PM

Kevin...the last sentence of your blog mentions lady gaga....so yes jennys post does relate....did you copy and paste and not read your blog
mehrob



2/12/2010 8:40:33 PM

Lady GaGa Storms
utahgal1



2/12/2010 8:54:03 PM

lol
texangelfire



2/12/2010 9:12:13 PM

Kevin I guess choice is always a good thing but I can see a lot of pit falls. Then again if only a few match up happily. It makes it all worth it.
mehrob



2/12/2010 10:52:30 PM

But where do the idiots go to meet their own kind?
potpie71



2/12/2010 11:48:34 PM

Interesting blog, indeed...and I feel compelled to comment, because both my boyfriend & I have chronic pain & Bipolar disorder. I must say that it has been such a relief in finding out that someone out there can truly relate to what I'm feeling & going through & vice verse. Although we've known each other since middle school, we just started our lives together last year. It's been wonderful & I've finally found my soul mate...never thought it would happen. There may just be something to the topic of this blog...never overlook any possiblity to find true love.
mehrob



2/13/2010 8:12:54 AM

My buddy Curmudgeonly Clark suffers from chronic crankiness, what site should he go to find his queen of crabbiness???

kevinbarry
2/13/2010 8:41:55 AM

Hey Moon and Flirty - I read this article 3 times before I posted it and Lady Gaga rolled right off the edge of my memory because it seemed so insignificant to the significance of the article itselt. Live and learn, right???
flirty_me_1



2/13/2010 8:48:14 AM

Kevin, I had not posted on this blog. No, did not delete either.
iamaperson



2/13/2010 8:51:36 AM

DH has its very own disability group right here. There are a lot of very nice people there.
jennyann71



2/13/2010 8:56:26 AM

Maybe that is why I have been so successful in Life as I see how things could be and how they really relate?

kevinbarry
2/13/2010 9:14:42 AM

Well, Jenny in Red outfit and Flirty with red hair - at least I got the red right. I better get some more sleep.
foreveralady



2/13/2010 9:19:10 AM

I BELIEVE we all have a clincher at times,but hopefully if it's not a big issue...we can get through it and fall in love nd be happy forever after.....jmho
mehrob



2/13/2010 9:30:40 AM

texangelfire



2/13/2010 10:25:40 AM

Buttons I am so happy for you having a loving companion is the best healer. I’m sure you are using it to heal. Good luck and God bless you
mehrob



2/13/2010 11:35:15 AM

Why anyone would waste his or her time on Datehookup, if they had a companion?
jennyann71



2/13/2010 12:05:43 PM

Right on why would they stay on Here if they were a couple when they could go out into the world and maybe discover another cause like for betterment for man kind?
potpie71



2/17/2010 12:37:24 AM

Oh for Pete's sake...reply to a blog & get bashed just because I'm in a relationship? How old did you all say you are, again? People CAN have online friends & read forums for entertainment WITHOUT looking to find someone!! I rarely ever log on to this site anymore~ only when I can't sleep or whatever~ don't have to explain myself to anyone, really. I just think it's stupid & immature...all the comments about "wasting time on DH when you have a partner". One thing you all proved to be right, this place will never change and that people, in general, SUCK. Chew on that & ask yourselves WHY you may still be SINGLE. I believe the topic was couples who have chronic illness in common... I don't think my reply was out of place, nor deserved all the snotty comments.
onrstargazer



2/22/2010 9:08:08 PM

It is real hsrd to date someone that is perfect. rides cycles, climbs mountains,skis, snow and water. And they are 68. I am going to be 65 and have several auto immune problems and I don't like to mention it. But when you have two knee replacements and 2 disk back surgery, asthma and several little things. When do you tell your illnesses? If in the beginning he doesn't EVER write back. If you tell them later and then just slowly leave you. I fell in love with a man with problems. He had a stroke and his right arm and leg were involved. I told that that didn't make any difference. After 2 and 1/2 years I find that he is on line with many, many women. ow I just feel like a jerk. Health is always a problem.