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Why "Frends First" is BULLSHIT by rdeffley at 6/7/2012 3:00:16 AM As men, one of the most common things we see in a woman's profile is - "Let's be friends first and see where it takes us because I want to marry my best friend." Now becoming best friends eventually with your partner is something that I agree with. I want to be best friends with the woman I wind up with. However, becoming friends first is a self defeating prophecy. Did it work great in When Harry Met Sally? Yes. Have there been rare cases where it happened? Yes. But those were exceptions. Ladies, I want you to be completely honest with yourselves. Have any of your relationships ever happened with a guy where you started out as just friends? I would be willing to bet money the answer is no. What do women crave? The spark. What is the spark? It is that instant chemistry and sexual attraction you feel with a man when he teases you, flirts with you, and he builds sexual tension. This is not something that happens with a platonic friend. You tell a man that you just want to be friends, and then when he actually tries to be your friend and eliminate sexual tension, you end up not feeling that inevitable spark you want. So what happens? He winds up in the friend zone. That is why it drives men NUTS when women put that in their profiles. It makes us feel like women just want to use us for our time and to get free dates out of us. If I see a woman that I am attracted to, and that I want to get to know better, I flirt and build chemistry/sexual tension from the get go. If I go into things with a woman pretending I want to be just friends, all this does is start things out on a lie. There have been a few cases where I felt no attraction at all, and then a woman's personality just completely won me over. However, as soon as I felt an attraction I was honest about it which still counts as not wanting to be friends first from when the attraction started.

Comments
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 3:19:34 AM I don't say "friends first" I have friends!!!! I want a man.... Who makes me feel like a woman... Not someone to gossip and shop with.... I hope eventually we'll be best friends but.... First things first !!! Good blog---- but you'll probably bear a lot of disagreement ( hey but thats okay right?) good night! xolisa
rdeffley	6/7/2012 3:25:08 AM Lisa, It is good to see a woman share the same dating beliefs as me. Thanks for the input. Oh and trust me.. With a smile like that, you will have no problem building attraction in a man and he will have you up against a wall in no time..
marinesrock	6/7/2012 3:29:24 AM I'm with you bro as woman has that she wants a friend first I pass right over that profile. I alreay have tons of women friends
rdeffley	6/7/2012 3:34:12 AM Good to hear man. Thanks for the input.
nitbitlittleit	6/7/2012 3:42:22 AM you can say its out dated or old fashion ..but I learn from my mistakes and from those that I know personally that lived happy lives with their partners for over 50 years ..It's true what they say. why buy the cow when you get the milk for free and who wants what everyone else has had ..spark yes ..but if there is no reason to earn the friendship then why wast the time. I want to know him and him to want to know me , that's friendship. and as for chemistry ..that's just a line horny people use to get laid. So that's my opinion.Been there done that.So time to try the old way .
rdeffley	6/7/2012 3:45:20 AM You can still have a physical relationship while maintaining standards. Who says you have to jump into bed right away? Why not just keep things at making out and some foreplay minus the penetration? This is actually what I prefer to do in the beginning. I think if you take the time to get to know a person's body in addition to building the connection, then the sex is amazing when it finally happens. But, to not take advantage of that time and get to know the person's body is a waste of time IMO.
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 4:00:54 AM I also have to say I didn't mean I want a man who makes me feel like a woman..... By having sex with him right away ... I meant makes me feel interesting beautiful desirable protected respected .... Womanly... Etc!!! I'm talking how he makes me feel like a woman emotionally and physically ---- man-woman feelings not just buddy-ness!!! I'm not just hoping in to bed with a man I dont care for, respect or even like --- but my agreement with the post is that too many times girls want guys to act like a girlfriend..... Keep any and all attraction buttoned down.... Be so safe and non sexual they migt as well be a girlfriend !! This doesn't work for me.... If a guy ends up in the friend zone that's fine that's where he's meant to be ( and honestly I have some pretty good male friends ) however I'm not gonna put every man I meet there right off the bat and make him try to claw his way out !!! Thanks for the compliment by the way OP!!!
nitbitlittleit	6/7/2012 4:02:28 AM I look at it like this ..I shouldn't do what I wouldn't want my 16 year old daughter doing or some young boy doing to her .iI notice different people have different definitions for words like friend, respect,bf or gf,or love ..If you don't learn what their meaning is compared to yours ,your in trouble.I learned the hard way what don't have time for a full time girl friend meant .. cost me my heart . .
rdeffley	6/7/2012 4:08:49 AM Lisa.. I completely agree with you. I also want to say that the reason why so many guys are failing with women is because they are acting like women. They don't lead, they aren't bold, and they don't take action. nitbitlittleit.. That is why you go to the guy's house..
lady0343	6/7/2012 4:09:33 AM I get your point, but how eles would you wish a lady to say, were not interested in making our way to the bedroom in a hurry. For me the bedroom is where two people who have deep emotions and trust go. It takes time to develope those. So could you please tell me how you see phrasing that?
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 4:10:40 AM Im not 16 though!!! I'm a grown woman and have a good mind good heart and good values.... Im sorry what happened to you and you absolutely shoud do what feels right to you.... But for me ---- I need A man who makes me feel like more than friend !!! Even if all we end up as is friends..... That's what finding those things out about each other determines! JMO
rdeffley	6/7/2012 4:16:53 AM lady0343 - You tell the man that you are attracted to him, and want to get to know him better physically. But you aren't ready for sex until you have developed trust and the connection you want. However, I have to say, if you can't even bring yourself to say the word "sex" then it makes me question how comfortable you are even having it at all. As a man, I am absolutely fine waiting for actual sex as long as there is some kind of physical intimacy involved. However, I have no desire to be with a woman who is inhibited.
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 4:16:55 AM I say --- honey I'm worth the wait!!! A true man understands the value of a true woman..and he understands there's no guarantees ...... But if he ends up just as a friend I feel at least I gave him a real shot not just bs. Like I said I'm not looking for a friend so I have no problem being honest if he doesn't .....
fiery_lioness70	6/7/2012 4:18:21 AM My marriage ended because I married a "friend". I did it backwards, went for the friendship first and hoped the spark would eventually burn hotter. I was too young to know any better, what can I say? With age comes experience and wisdom. Now I won't even meet anyone unless there is chemistry there, first online and then over the phone. A friendship can be cultivated with time, but I believe there has to be an honest and healthy chemistry first. That chemistry isn't going to grow into something both people can feed off of if there's a "just friends" mindset there.
rdeffley	6/7/2012 4:25:38 AM Fiery - You are spot on my dear. It is great to hear a woman actually admitting the truth about the "friends first" BS men have to deal with.
marinesrock	6/7/2012 4:33:00 AM I don't have chemistry with friends on first couple of dates - they go into pile of " I'll call you when I go to a concert so I don't have to sit alone"
fiery_lioness70	6/7/2012 4:35:24 AM @blue, Lisa GF, you are so worth the wait. I feel that I am too. But damn I wish there wasn't that double standard of us women being considered "loose" if we decide not to wait. It's not fair, a guy is a stud for having a healthy sex drive but a girl is a slut. Why should I have to apologize for my hormones? Just once I'd like to throw a guy down and rock his world for a few hours, then have my friends wink slyly at me and give me a high five. It must be the redhead in me! @rdeffley, Nothing really to admit, I call the truth as I see it from my point of view. Great blog, btw!
rdeffley	6/7/2012 4:46:44 AM fiery - That was the hottest thing I have read in awhile. I do have a dominant side in the bedroom, but aggressive women are definitely appreciated. Also, I have never once judged a woman for how many sexual partner she has had. If anything I should say thank you because I get to benefit from her experience. I always thought it was crap that men want women who are good in bed, but then they judge them on their past. Women aren't naturally good in bed. It takes practice.
fiery_lioness70	6/7/2012 4:52:06 AM Yes, it does take practice! I thought I knew it all 20 years ago. Now I look back on my early 20's and want to laugh at how naive I was. And it's nice to know that not all guys judge harshly.
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 4:52:18 AM Redheads rock fiery!!! I have the same issue --- im just learning not to let others opinions matter !!! Gotta say that was very hot. And I absolutely know how you feel ..... Friends are nice but I want to feel overwhelmed !!!!
fiery_lioness70	6/7/2012 5:01:16 AM Lisa, I've been working on not letting what other people think of me matter too. It's strange, since I've hit my 40's, my mind seems to be opening up more and more. Perhaps I'm realizing that I'm not getting any younger so I should just take what I want and run with it. I don't know. Years ago I thought turning 40 was going to be traumatic, but I wouldn't trade my age now for anything, I'm in my prime and I'm lovin' it!. I'm finally allowing myself some freedom. And yes, it would be nice to feel overwhelmed.
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 5:04:31 AM Run fiery, run!!!!! Xoxoxoxoxo
fiery_lioness70	6/7/2012 5:11:29 AM
moon_is_rising	6/7/2012 8:22:33 AM HAHAH Well they are in a round about way saying...YOU ARENT GETTING IT ON THE FIRST DATE BUDDY LOL....I agree with those who say I have friends...but I sure dont want the only thing that interests me is the sex...always nice to have common interest...Sometimes people just dont have the right words to express themselves...Look past what is on profile...If you have interest send a message and see where it goes.
sallybelle494	6/7/2012 11:31:32 AM I am like Fiery, I am ready to explore my sexual side with no apologies necessary if I got called a slut at my age I would consider that a compliment and might even consider getting a tramp stamp. Come on rdeffley rock this cougar's world.
isleiseanme	6/7/2012 12:46:45 PM Yes we all crave the spark as human beings but becoming intimate right away is not the way to learn if you can trust someone or not.
calildy	6/7/2012 1:29:34 PM @rd, I agree with you and everyone that posted. I don't mention in my pro that I want to be friends first. But, I do want to get to know someone first. I'm not looking to jump into bed after meeting or talking with someone for short time. Everyone's different in what they want and expect; and I think people change their want's and expectations as they age. jmo Good blog!
rdeffley	6/7/2012 1:57:36 PM @ Moon - No one said anything about sleeping with somebody on the first date. What I am saying is that women are not built to let attraction and a spark form out of friendship first. When it comes to women, you are either a guy she feels attracted to, or a guy she wants to be friends with. @isle - No one is saying to have sex right way. It is possible to get to know someone on an emotional level while you are getting to know them physically. Now this doesn't mean having sex. It could mean finding out how she likes to be kissed, the most sensitive parts of her body, TALKING about sexual preferences and using written words to stimulate her mentally, etc.. You can get to know someone physically while maintaining standards. @ calildy - Thanks for the input hun. Glad to hear your perspective. By the way, that long flowing hair of yours is sexy..
rdeffley	6/7/2012 2:04:26 PM Here is another type of BS with women who say that they want to be friends first. They still expect the guy to pay for the activities they do because they say that he should be a "gentleman". This is one of the biggest scams out there. Women if you stress that you want to be friends first, you had better be prepared to pick up your half of the tab.
bluerosemama	6/7/2012 4:32:23 PM Bravo.... I don't expect my girlfriends to treat me so if a guy is JUST A FRIEND why should he???
rdeffley	6/7/2012 7:07:31 PM Exactly Lisa. That is why it is such a freaking scam. Guys fall for it because they get distracted by T&A. I have always been able to control my urges pretty well. I treat a woman just like a person when I am out, and then when I see flirtatious signals and body language I show her who the man is. But I am always in control and don't let myself be manipulated.
fiery_lioness70	6/7/2012 7:52:20 PM I don't expect a guy to pay 100% of my way unless we're in a partnership situation, at which point I would be returning the favor at times as well. The economy sucks at the moment. And it's been proven that some women earn more than men. So why should the man be required to pay for everything all the time? That is such an old-fashioned notion. It might have worked years ago, but not necessarily now. If women want the same rights as men, we should expect to be responsible for the same things.
iheartidiots	6/7/2012 8:59:48 PM Fiery and I are alike in the fact that I married a man who became my friend first. I never had that initial spark but I hoped and hoped it would grow as time went on. It didn't. Mind you, I loved him with all my heart. And a part of me still does but I completely agree there has to be chemistry...sexual, attraction. If its not there from the get go, I am not really interested.
rdeffley	6/7/2012 9:18:29 PM Kimmy.. how are you baby.. Good to hear your thoughts on the topic. I think the women who get my POV are ones that actually went through a failed friends first relationship.
pj1447	6/8/2012 5:54:33 PM Great blog!!! I love reading what everyone had to say, there is not much for me to add. All of you said it very well. There needs to be chemistry, something to tell me to keep getting to know this person, there may be something to this. This does not mean one should jump in bed ASAP. It is so much fun to take it slow, gives you something to look forward to.