Joke of the Day

12/1/2015 10:50:02 AM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.” Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
12/1/2015 10:55:41 AM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
12/1/2015 3:42:17 PM	Joke of the Day
jenbutterflies San Antonio, TX 38, joined Jun. 2010	Lol those are great!
12/1/2015 4:41:06 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Too funny A child asked his mother, "How were people born?" So the mother said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on...." The child then went to his father and asked the same question. The father said, " We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his mother and said, "You lied to me!" His mother calmly replied, "No dear your Dad was talking about HIS side of the family!" [Edited 12/1/2015 4:42:16 PM ]
12/5/2015 10:45:31 PM	Joke of the Day
ohdannyboy59 Arlington, TX 98, joined Sep. 2012	Three friends, recent college grads from OU, UT and A&M reunite, get drunk and are killed in a car accident. St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and informs them that to get into Heaven, they must pass a test. St. Peter points to the Okie and asks, "What is the meaning of Easter?" The Okie's nervousness gets the best of him: "That's when we'd dress up and go door to door getting candy!" "NO!" St. Peter bellows and casts the Okie down into the fires. "YOU!" he says, pointing to the T-Sipper. "What is the meaning of Easter??" The T-Sipper, freaking out, blurts, "It's when the fat man wearing red leaves presents?" "NO!" St. Peter bellows again, casting the T-Sipper into the fires. St. Peter looks at the Aggie, who's sitting off to the side drooling on himself. Wanting to simply cast him down, he nevertheless asks, "Son, stand before me and tell me the meaning of Easter!" The Aggies rises. Scratches himself. Then begins, "There was a man named Jesus, who traveled the lands, preaching the word of God." St. Peter is impressed. "But the Romans hated Jesus, so they crucified him. And when he was dead, his friends buried him in a cave." St. Peter turns to open the gates. But the Aggie continues ... "And every February, Jesus comes out. And if he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter."
12/5/2015 10:55:23 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	LOL... Good Ones both. A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
12/6/2015 9:18:05 AM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Ohdanny... Forever...to funny A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100mph! He eventually realizes he cannot escape and he finally pulls over. the cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, " My wife ran away with a cop about weeks ago. I thought you might be that Officer trying to give her back!"
12/7/2015 6:11:13 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010
12/7/2015 7:34:31 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	A day later... "TOO" Why do Mexicans make tamales at Christmas? so WE have something to unwrap....
12/12/2015 11:38:51 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Teacher:"Kids what does the chicken give you?" Student:"Meat" Teacher:"Very good. What does the pig give you?" Student:"Bacon" Teacher:"Great! What does the fat cow give you?" Student:"Homework!" [Edited 12/12/2015 11:39:25 PM ]
12/13/2015 6:26:08 PM	Joke of the Day
ohdannyboy59 Arlington, TX 98, joined Sep. 2012	A man is walking out the door with the last of his possessions. His fuming soon-to-be ex wife screams at him, "I hope the rest of your life is full of pain misery, you son of a b*tch!" The man stops and turns in the doorway. "So you want me to stay, eh?"
12/15/2015 10:13:34 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	^^^ A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer happened to be a blonde also. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver search frantically in her purse for a while then finally asked the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated the blonde cop said, "You, dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically search her purse again and found a small rectangle mirror at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha, this must be my driver's license!" and handed it to the blonde police officer. The blonde cop look in the mirror then handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this!"
12/15/2015 10:59:23 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	/\ Good ones... both. At a funeral for a local woman, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "For God's sake... Watch out for the wall!" [Edited 12/15/2015 10:59:56 PM ]
12/15/2015 11:11:54 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	One of my all time faves... A Farmer and His Mule An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
12/17/2015 4:22:34 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	^^^ hilarious What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef Why did the little boy take a ruler to bed? to see how long he slept What do you call a Blonde skeleton in the closet? WINNER of hide and go seek
12/17/2015 5:10:12 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	LOL... "winner of Hide and Seek" Love it!
12/18/2015 6:10:20 AM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	^^^oops Mexican in me.... Yes..."Hide & Seek" ***A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. THE teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, little Johnny?" "No ma'am.... but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
12/18/2015 8:47:29 AM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	That dang little Johnny leads a MUCH more interesting life than mine.
12/18/2015 10:20:23 AM	Joke of the Day
touch2heal High Point, NC 65, joined Sep. 2013	An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Nine Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit pregnant when you met her."
12/18/2015 10:47:05 AM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	LOL
12/18/2015 3:49:17 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	"She was a weeeee bit pregnant when you met her." **** Two male engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You have you can have anything you want!'" "Good choice!" said the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
12/18/2015 5:35:26 PM	Joke of the Day
touch2heal High Point, NC 65, joined Sep. 2013
12/19/2015 6:24:03 AM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	** Little Johnny says, "Mom you know that lovely vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation." His mom replied, "Yes, what about it?" Little Johnny says "Well, the last generation just dropped it!" **Little Johnny came running inside the house. "Mommy" he asked, "Can little girls have babies?" His mother replies, "No! Of course not!" Little Johnny then runs back outside and his mother hears him say, "It's okay! We can play that game!" [Edited 12/19/2015 6:27:20 AM ]
12/28/2015 4:47:52 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Bob was in trouble he forgot his wedding anniversary on Thursday. His wife was very angry ... She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. And it better be there!" THE next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale! Bob has been missing since Friday [Edited 12/28/2015 4:48:40 PM ]
12/30/2015 3:27:01 AM	Joke of the Day
touch2heal High Point, NC 65, joined Sep. 2013
12/30/2015 3:29:28 AM	Joke of the Day
touch2heal High Point, NC 65, joined Sep. 2013	A man phoned his wife, "Honey, he said, all of us here at the office are going on a one week fishing trip to the coast. This is a perfect opportunity for me to make a good impression toward getting that promotion I have wanted so badly." Pack a bag and get all my fishing tackle together and I will swing by and pick it up on the way out." He continued, "Oh, and honey, be sure to pack my new silk pajamas, ok?" The wife, more than a little puzzled, went ahead and did as he asked. One week later the man arrives back home. "Did you enjoy the trip, how did it go?" She asked. "Oh yeh, he replied. It was amazing. I was snatching them out of the water left and right. Nobody landed as many as I did. But tell me, why didnt you pack my silk pajamas?" "I did, replied the wife. They were in the tackle box!"
12/30/2015 9:36:54 AM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	Gone ones guys! Love the "Bob has been missing since Friday"
12/30/2015 8:45:35 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	A husband tells to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big... it's bigger than a BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances toward his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this BIG grill for one little weenie?"
12/30/2015 10:55:24 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010
12/31/2015 6:37:01 AM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	A. I have the perfect Son! B. Does he smoke? A. No, he doesn't. B. Does he drink whiskey? A. No, he doesn't. B. Does he ever come home late? A. No, he doesn't. B. Well I guess you do have the perfect son! How old is he? A. He is 6 months old TODAY! [Edited 12/31/2015 6:37:22 AM ]
1/16/2016 12:22:00 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "We are going to learn about multi-syllable words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me Miss Rogers me me!" Miss Rogers says, " Alright Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, " mas-tur-bate" Stunned, Miss Rogers says, "Wow, Sarah that's a mouthful!" Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
3/14/2016 12:40:57 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Teacher: How do you spell crocodile? Student: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L Teacher: No that is wrong. Student: Maybe it's wrong but you asked how do I spell it! Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Student: HIJKLMO Teacher: That's not correct. Student: Well yesterday you said it was H to O Teacher: Your composition on "MY DOG" is the same as your brothers. Did you copy his? Student: No, it's the same dog!
3/14/2016 3:18:58 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	Especially like the last one.
3/16/2016 8:23:58 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	A camel can work for a whole week without drinking A man can drink for a whole week without working Child: Dad can you write in the dark? Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write? Child: Your name on my report card!
3/20/2016 8:38:15 AM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Q: If you have 12 apples in one hand.... and 10 oranges and another hand.... What do you have? A: BIG HANDS!
3/20/2016 4:49:37 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they did not know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they did not know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant. In China they did not know what "opinion" meant. IN Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant. in South America they did not know what "please" meant. And in the USA... they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.
3/22/2016 6:18:56 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
3/22/2016 7:58:30 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Omgeeez^^^ I can't stop laughing!!!
3/26/2016 1:13:04 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers..." I said, "Scissors! I win" and I drove off Knock knock... Who is it? The police just want to talk! How many are there of you? Two.... Then TALK to each other
3/26/2016 1:25:35 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	Love the first one... Scissors!!
4/9/2016 8:40:31 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Q: Can match box? A: No but tin can! Q: IF April showers bring May flowers? What do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims Q: Why did the boy take a ruler to bed? A: He wanted to see how long he slept Q: Can February March? A: No, but April May Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A: A Thesaurus Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing
4/9/2016 10:00:10 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	LOL "Soda Pressing"
4/10/2016 8:37:10 AM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	That was my favorite also the others were filler ins Joke of the day: I looked in the mirror
4/18/2016 10:58:56 PM	Joke of the Day
andreao66 Pasadena, TX 51, joined Jan. 2014	There are three women reminiscing about sex. one is in her twenties the other side n her thirties and the other in her forties. one woman asked the 40 year old. how is sex for her and she replies sex for me is like the song Memories then the other woman asked 30 year old how is sex for you she reply sex for me is like the song once in awhile then the other lady ask the 20 year old how is sex for you she replies sex with me is like the song sugar in the morning sugar in the evening sugar at summertime!
4/18/2016 11:36:39 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	LOL... like that one and phs2772.... NEVER!!!! Miss seeing your smiling face since you went cloaked. But I understand that feeling. Sometimes I debate doing that.
4/18/2016 11:39:44 PM	Joke of the Day
frfforever Keller, TX 59, joined Oct. 2010	Andrea... your's reminds me of one of my all time faves... A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” Still cracks me up!
4/25/2016 7:27:52 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Sounds about right Hilarious
4/25/2016 7:31:02 PM	Joke of the Day
phs2772 Pasadena, TX 45, joined Jun. 2015	Quote from frfforever: LOL... like that one and phs2772.... NEVER!!!! Miss seeing your smiling face since you went cloaked. But I understand that feeling. Sometimes I debate doing that. Awww... Thank you FOREVER!!!
5/16/2016 7:11:52 AM	Joke of the Day
cupocheer Assumption, IL 68, joined May. 2010

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