| 10/13/2008 10:14:04 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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jackster123
Murfreesboro, TN
age: 53
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I am divorced once and currently permanently separated.
Both wives said the same thing,"I don't want to be married anymore.' I am not so arrogant to say it had to be them, I was the common denominator so it must be me.
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| 10/13/2008 10:20:32 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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klassyklown
Bakersfield, CA
age: 40
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I think you might find a correlation between accepting responsibility and moving forward in life. When you choose to remain a victim and refuse to accept some responsibility, you often hang on the pain and anger.
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| 10/13/2008 10:30:06 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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wileyguy
Wilkes Barre, PA
age: 37
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ok........
this is the second paragraph of your first post;
Then again, on the other hand most people are really honest and sincere in the beginning of a relationship then situations often change people later on as it progresses causing the lying and cheating. So that brings up another question...Why shouldn't people take a look at themselves and ask WHY? Why did he/she feel the need to lie? Why did he/she feel the need to cheat with someone else? Shouldn't people analyze the why's? As opposed to saying "oh he/she's a liar and cheat". And I will repeat the fact that I said I do not condone this type of behavior and that it is wrong..But the fact is..people do it for a reason. What is that reason? Could it be something that was not done that should have been? Could it have been that you were not doing your part and making the effort needed to keep these things from happening? My point I'm trying to make is that instead of putting all the blame on the other person, take a good look from within and from all perspectives and analyze the "why's".
i said;
this is a really great post.after reading the first paragraph,part of my answer was going to be exactly what you said in the second.i have very little to add.i will say that i've heard divorce can be harder than the death of a spouse.i suppose the same can be said for other relationships as well.anyway,the end of a relationship ultimately means failure.who really wants to stand up and admit they failed?again,all things point back to you(me).
you say;
Thanks for the comment..However I don't necessarily think that the end of all relationships means failure. How and why it ended depends on whether the two failed or not.
i said;
why are you contradicting yourself??? you made a very valid and true point above and now you are rescinding it?
besides death,there are 2 reasons a relationship end.
1.as stated in your first paragraph,simply stated.....we make a bad choice.
2.as stated in your second paragraph,we allow something to fail inside the relationship.we didnt meet their needs or they didn't meet ours.either way it is failure.one failed or the other or both
you say;
I was referring to people putting all the blame on the other person for being lied to, cheated on and so forth..not about relationships ending in general.
I was stating that people should take a took at why they were treated this way to begin with.
in your second paragraph,you clearly say the 'why's' lead to the end of the relationship.i say that the why's equal failure,and they do whether we like it or not.
the end of your second paragraph you state;
My point I'm trying to make is that instead of putting all the blame on the other person, take a good look from within and from all perspectives and analyze the "why's".
i say
because the why's represent failure.i believe i answered that question.i was not answering that people do or don't take responsibility for their part.they don't,thats a given.eg; your term =excuses.
in short you asked why people don't take their share of blame for the 'why's and i answered why.
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| 10/13/2008 10:30:37 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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leftfooted
West Covina, CA
age: 49
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how do you foresee if someone is a cheater if they have never cheated before,cheaters have to start somewhere how do you make that judgement if they never cheated before,if someone is doing something the cheater considers wrong, is cheating the right reaction,if the person that cheated knew that the other person was doing something wrong or not doing something right and decided to cheat does that make the fact that that one person that was doing something wrong, wrong,and the person that cheated right,one thing that cheaters have in common is excuses,some people look at it as what did they do wrong to make the other person cheat and some people look at as what did I do right to make them not cheat,majority of time the rights out weight the wrongs,if thats your perspective then what actions justify cheating
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| 10/13/2008 10:35:49 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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mike22304
Alexandria, VA
age: 62
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If a person cheats on you then they are not a true believer in principles and there is little anyone can do to prevent them from cheating. We often fail to ask the tough questions the ones that require a lot of thought. There is little disagreement in what the principles of a relationship should be. There should be a belief in: fairness, kindness, dignity, charity, integrity, honesty, quality and patience. People may argue about how these principles are to be defined, interpreted and applied in real-life situations, but they generally agree about their inherent merit. They may not live in total accord with them, but they believe in them. Think what a relationship would be like with someone if they were unfair, worthless and full of deceit.
Are saying your wife cheated on you because she was unfair, worthless and full of deceit? And, there was nothing you did to provoke it?
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| 10/13/2008 10:38:38 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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bekki08
Ridgeland, MS
age: 39
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Leftfooted..as I stated, cheating IS wrong. Nothing justifies that. But the fact is that there is a reason that causes that person to cheat. And what is that reason? Sometimes it's just because people are just dishonest no matter what you do. Then again sometimes it's our own actions that causes a person to cheat and lie. And again...yes it's still wrong to do.
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| 10/13/2008 10:48:33 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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leftfooted
West Covina, CA
age: 49
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Leftfooted..as I stated, cheating IS wrong. Nothing justifies that. But the fact is that there is a reason that causes that person to cheat. And what is that reason? Sometimes it's just because people are just dishonest no matter what you do. Then again sometimes it's our own actions that causes a person to cheat and lie. And again...yes it's still wrong to do.
in the cheaters mind the actions of the other person justifys cheating but in reality there is no actions that justify cheating so how could someone determine what actions of theirs caused a person to cheat
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| 10/13/2008 10:54:55 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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arkansasnman
Fayetteville, AR
age: 45 online now!
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This is what I'm talking about.
The relationships is over, but the mind insists on going through these morality exercises to assign fault.
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| 10/13/2008 10:59:02 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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bekki08
Ridgeland, MS
age: 39
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in the cheaters mind the actions of the other person justifys cheating but in reality there is no actions that justify cheating so how could someone determine what actions of theirs caused a person to cheat
Lots of people believe that once a cheater always a cheater...I don't agree. Some people do make mistakes and never repeat them. In a case of such..your in a relationship and your partner cheats on you. A first and only time mistake...Yet people end it right there. Then totally bash the other person for cheating..But did he/she cheat because of any of the following examples?
Did you always "have a headache"
Did you always complain about not wanting sex or intimacy all the time
Did you ever make that person feel incompetent in bed
The list could go on..these are just a few
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| 10/13/2008 11:01:07 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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wileyguy
Wilkes Barre, PA
age: 37
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how do you foresee if someone is a cheater if they have never cheated before,cheaters have to start somewhere how do you make that judgement if they never cheated before,if someone is doing something the cheater considers wrong, is cheating the right reaction,if the person that cheated knew that the other person was doing something wrong or not doing something right and decided to cheat does that make the fact that that one person that was doing something wrong, wrong,and the person that cheated right,one thing that cheaters have in common is excuses,some people look at it as what did they do wrong to make the other person cheat and some people look at as what did I do right to make them not cheat,majority of time the rights out weight the wrongs,if thats your perspective then what actions justify cheating
to foresee someone WILL become a cheater goes back to the first paragraph.it's a judgement thing.
cheating is never the right reaction!!!whether it's a case of he didn't put the seat down to he beat me with a baseball bat.most times it lies somewhere inbetween.however,how does cheating change the fact that he leaves the toilet up?that he beat you?it doesn't!if there is something that is not right within the relationship you either 'fix' it or end the relationship.now,lets say the seat up annoys the hell out of you.....there's a cure....or live with it.in the case of the guy beating you,you can have him arrested,have cousin louie break his arms or poison his coffee.those options would certainly merit justice more than cheating.
tit for tat?ok let's say you cheated because she cheated.how does that make her right or wrong?how does it make you right or wrong?old saying.....2 wrongs dont make a right.they never have and never will.
there can be a number of reasons someone tries to justify cheating.none of them make it right.
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| 10/13/2008 11:05:46 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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binderdundat
Metairie, LA
age: 46
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I think there are some cases that there is no accounting for, where the other persons bad behaviour IS the only blame. There are plenty of cases where one partner thinks they have a loving relationship (and they do) and yet the partner cheats... or embezzles... or does something totally out of character. This can be after years of being in a loving relationship so the old stand by of "we went too fast" doesn't apply.
I know exactly what you're getting at OP, and it is rampant on these boards, but I do think there are extenuating circumstances at times when the one that's been wronged truly did nothing wrong. I don't have any of those examples in my personal past... I have no problem seeing what my role in the breakup of every relationship was, but I do believe they exist.
I think if most people were honest with themselves, they'd be able to see their role as well. The problem lies in the fact that it's so much easier to assign blame to someone else than to see yourself in a negative light. The catch 22 to that is that if you don't self-analyze... you'll just repeat those mistakes over and over again.
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| 10/13/2008 11:11:59 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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bekki08
Ridgeland, MS
age: 39
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I think there are some cases that there is no accounting for, where the other persons bad behaviour IS the only blame. There are plenty of cases where one partner thinks they have a loving relationship (and they do) and yet the partner cheats... or embezzles... or does something totally out of character. This can be after years of being in a loving relationship so the old stand by of "we went too fast" doesn't apply.
I know exactly what you're getting at OP, and it is rampant on these boards, but I do think there are extenuating circumstances at times when the one that's been wronged truly did nothing wrong. I don't have any of those examples in my personal past... I have no problem seeing what my role in the breakup of every relationship was, but I do believe they exist.
I think if most people were honest with themselves, they'd be able to see their role as well. The problem lies in the fact that it's so much easier to assign blame to someone else than to see yourself in a negative light. The catch 22 to that is that if you don't self-analyze... you'll just repeat those mistakes over and over again.
Thanks bin..
And that's exactly what I think most people fail to do.
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| 10/13/2008 11:22:37 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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ladysnow
Midlothian, IL
age: 52
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I feel it takes two to make a relationship work and two to break it...neither party should blame the other for failure, yet neither party should admit that it is his/her fault either.
My opinion is that I have made a few bad choices in relationship and have learned from each. Each one is different in its own sense. Sometimes I think of things I should have done or said to make it better and yet I think of things he should have said or done to do the same. I no longer blame myself or the man I was with...just another lesson in life that I have finally accepted within my heart. If it is meant to be it will be...if not then it won't. I can not go on with my life worrying who to blame anymore.
I am divorce and still going thru the rough times of it. Do I blame my ex? I used to but my life and happiness is more precious to me than I ever thought it could be. I am happy within myself. Yes, I am looking for the man to spend the rest of my life with, but I am confident within myself to just let it happen instead of worrying about who was at fault because the last one did not work out. I hope to retain the past few men I have encountered as friends, and we have because we both decided it was not working out. So I don't have my soul mate right now, but I have 2 more friends that are dear to my heart.
Dwelling on the reason why is not going to get us anywhere. Figure out why he/she lied and cheated just isn't worth it. Figure out how you can be a better person will help prevent the lies and cheating. Accept him/her for what they are worth. Let the why go and build yourself esteem up. Lets all just build ourselves up so we don't have to worry about the why, the lies, the cheaters. Let's worry about us for a change.
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| 10/13/2008 11:51:21 AM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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seakats
Palm City, FL
age: 46
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Never EVER a reason to cheat. Cowards who are afraid to end a relationship before starting another cheat.
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| 10/13/2008 12:06:38 PM |
Who should really be held accountable? |
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wileyguy
Wilkes Barre, PA
age: 37
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i agree with binderdundat.i think there are very limited circumstances where it can be 1 sided.very limited.i also agree that there are only 2 types of people.those who will stand accountable for their part and those who won't.those who don't are likely to repeat the same mistakes as before.different car but driving the same reckless way.
im sorry that i expanded on the why's.it would seem the reason for the why's is what you were getting at.since you mentioned so many on this site,we all have different reasons.the reasons vary as great as the people.again,there are minute circumstances where it is one sided.again,your original post was great.i thought it was certainly worth expanding on since it may help others.if you merely wanted agreement,it may have been better served as a poll.i agree or don't agree.or better yet,a blog which your friends could tell you how right you are.
ultimately,there are those who will accept blame,reflect,learn and become a better person.there are those who won't.
wileyguy stepping down
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