joke, couldn't find old thread 16

1/9/2009 4:19:35 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
one800noromance Yorktown, VA age: 70	Quote; 10's Subject: The Washcloth I love it. Sounds like a new trend to me. And that's how the fight started ... >>> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her >>> someplace expensive.... >>> So, I took her to a gas station..... >>> And then the fight started.... >>> >>> ** >>> My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while >>>we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have >>>sex?" >>> "No," she answered. >>> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" >>> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." >>>So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." >>> And then the fight started.... >>> >>> >>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for >>> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my >>> driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and >>> realized I had left my wallet at home. >>> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home >>> and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I >>> opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. >>> She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". >>> And she processed my Social Security application. >>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the >>> Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your >>> pants. You might have gotten Disability, too". >>> And then the fight started..... >>> >>> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, >>> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up >>> the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a >>> torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back >>> into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the >>> weather would be bad all day. >>> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back >>> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different >>> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." >>> My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid >>> husband is out fishing in that?" >>> And that's how the fight started ... >>> * >>> >>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and >>> I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone >>> at a nearby table. >>> My wife asked, "Do you know her?" >>> "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to >>> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear >>> she hasn't been sober since." >>> "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on >>> celebrating that long?" >>> And then the fight started..... >>> >>> >>> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the >>> road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. >>> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little >>> things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... >>> He was a DWARF!!! >>> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT >>> HAPPY!!!" >>> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" >>> And then the fight started..... >>> >>> >>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took >>> my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please. >>> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" >>> "Nah, she can order for herself." >>> And then the fight started..... >>> >>> ** >> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. >>> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel >>> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a >>> compliment." >>> The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." >>> And then the fight started.....
1/13/2009 2:57:15 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
firp21 Bedford, IN age: 66	Gay Babies Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies.... an yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"
1/13/2009 3:11:10 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
newlady2 Goldsboro, NC age: 72	What a way to start the day.. Hi Steve,, off bread and water now .??
1/13/2009 3:16:25 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
rof1944 Marshville, NC age: 64	Two gay guys were walking down the street and they passed by a mortuary. One said to the other, "You want to stop in for a cold one?"
1/13/2009 4:13:28 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
newlady2 Goldsboro, NC age: 72	OH Brother lol
1/13/2009 5:28:31 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	Funny Pictures and Funny Layouts at myjokecafe.com
1/13/2009 5:32:15 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
firp21 Bedford, IN age: 66
1/16/2009 4:48:13 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 66	SEVEN KINDS OF SEX Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex . The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called : Hallway Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.' The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
1/17/2009 8:03:00 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?" "Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs." "And does that do the trick?" asks her friend. "Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund go upstairs with a hard on?" [Edited 1/17/2009 8:05:34 PM PST]
1/19/2009 5:34:36 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	A farmer was getting very tired of accidentally, but frequently, discovering his 14-year-old son jerking off behind the barn. "Son," he said, "that's enough of this foolishness. You're neglecting your chores and you'll go blind, too! We're going into town to find you a wife, and put this nonsense to rest for good!" So they went to town to arrange a hasty marriage with some poor, unsuspecting farm girl. The marriage was performed and everything was fine - problem solved - until... The farmer went out behind the barn one day a week later and discovered the son, at it again, stroking the axe-handle, flogging the log, beating the meat........"Goddammit son," he roared, "here I go to all the trouble of getting you a wife to take care of this tomfoolery and you're back at it again! What's the matter with your new wife? Doesn't she take care of your needs properly?" "Well Dad," the son said, "she was just fine at first, but her little arms get so tired..."
1/19/2009 6:19:17 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	Subject: Fwd: Cure for Inner Ear Issues When Flying During a commercial airline flight a Marine Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!' Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Marine Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed.. 'And all these years I've been chewing gum.' __._,_.___ .
1/19/2009 7:34:16 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	Coolbill, I'll have to "Bare" that in mind,the next time I fly..........
1/20/2009 8:04:54 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you upagainst the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens .'
1/20/2009 8:40:03 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
side_kick San Simon, AZ age: 67
1/23/2009 7:34:49 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
havasusweety Lake Havasu City, AZ age: 64	A Very Funny Way to make a point Yesterday I had a flat tire on the Interstate 35. I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully exited my car and opened the Trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of the car facing on coming traffic. You would not believe how life-like they look. They are in trench coats ,exposing their naked bodies and private parts to approa ching traffic. I began to change my tire, cars began slowing down, and everybody was looking at my life-like men. Traffic began to back up. Everybody began tooting their horns and waving like crazy. Soon, a State Highway Patrolman pulled up behind me. I could tell He was not a happy camper! “What”s Going On Here” he asked, I calmly answered ,I have a flat tire.“Well , what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? I could not believe he didn’t know.So I said “ Hello-o-o-o-o-o-o-o those are my “Emergency Flashers”.

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