joke, couldn't find old thread 31

1/23/2009 7:56:19 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
ladyshoemaker Wheat Ridge, CO age: 65	Quote from havasusweety: A Very Funny Way to make a point Yesterday I had a flat tire on the Interstate 35. I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully exited my car and opened the Trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of the car facing on coming traffic. You would not believe how life-like they look. They are in trench coats ,exposing their naked bodies and private parts to approa ching traffic. I began to change my tire, cars began slowing down, and everybody was looking at my life-like men. Traffic began to back up. Everybody began tooting their horns and waving like crazy. Soon, a State Highway Patrolman pulled up behind me. I could tell He was not a happy camper! “What”s Going On Here” he asked, I calmly answered ,I have a flat tire.“Well , what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? I could not believe he didn’t know.So I said “ Hello-o-o-o-o-o-o-o those are my “Emergency Flashers”. I'll take 2 of them...
1/23/2009 8:02:01 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
side_kick San Simon, AZ age: 67
1/23/2009 10:34:58 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 66	It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car Were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it. ' 'Then why don't you drive it away. ' We can't drive. ' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.
1/23/2009 10:38:41 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 66	An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS. DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
1/24/2009 2:06:35 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
10snut Haughton, LA age: 61	You are on the bus when you suddenly realize...you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. Afer a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, paople are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
1/24/2009 3:10:36 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
rof1944 Marshville, NC age: 64	A husband is concerned about his aging wife and he takes her to the doctor and the doctor gives her a thorough examination. Man: Well, doc, how's my wife? Doctor: I'm a little confused about her situation. She either has Alzheimers or AIDS. Man: Oh my. How can I tell the difference? Doctor: I suggest you take her for a ride...about 20 miles from home. Then let her out and go back home. Man: How will that help? Doctor: If she finds her way home, don't f--k with her.
1/24/2009 8:37:39 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	nger MaAnagement When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an ahole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ahole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an ahole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'ahole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ahole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ahole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ahole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an ahole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two aholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called ahole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an ahole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ahole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, ahole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, ahole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two aholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
1/24/2009 9:12:46 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Men never learn. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
1/24/2009 10:13:30 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
rof1944 Marshville, NC age: 64	I was so ugly as a kid that my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street.
1/24/2009 11:13:04 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
aginghippy2008 Beaverton, OR age: 62	What's the best form of birth control after the age of 60? Nudity. Duh ......
1/24/2009 12:09:15 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	Your bad hippie,, that's why you turn the lights out. [Edited 1/24/2009 12:10:01 PM PST]
1/24/2009 4:05:45 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
havasusweety Lake Havasu City, AZ age: 64	I got this in a e-mail and thought it was good. Priceless post on Craigslist.............. To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah) I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well. So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
1/27/2009 9:08:22 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
firp21 Bedford, IN age: 66	2009 LIONS' SCHEDULE 2009 LIONS SCHEDULE September 13................Taft Junior High School 20................Cub Scout Troop #101 27................Detroit Blind Academy October 04.................Spanish American War Vets 11................Crippled Children's Home 18................Eloise Mental Hospital 25................Girl Scout Troop # 353 November 01..................Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic 08.................Fraser Boys Choir 15.................Korean Amputees 22.................National Hospital Pastorial Ministers 29.................Great Lakes Sychronized SwimmingTeam MONDAY NIGHT December 07..................Grand Rapids Gay Boys Club RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR 1 - When playing polio patients, the Lions must not disconnect knee braces. 2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Lions must not hide the football under their jerseys. RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR 1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line.) For all you Lions fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points. 2 - The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times. 3 - The Lions will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime. 4 - The Lions will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team. 5 - The Lions will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards. NAME CHANGE ** The Detroit Lions will be changed to the "Detroit Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1/27/2009 10:01:04 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
grammymarg Cynthiana, KY age: 63	Stanley was in a really bad fire and they needed his friends Cooter and Gomer to come identify him. The three friends always went every where together. Cooter went in, they pulled the sheet down. Cooter says yep, burnt pretty bad, turn him over. They turn him over and Cooter says Nope ain't Stanley. They pretty well knew it was and could't understand him saying it wasn't. So they called Gomer to come and identify him. They did the same pulle d the sheet back and Gomer says burnt pretty bad, turn him over. They turn him over and Gomer says Nope not Stanley. The undertaker says how do you all know this is not Stanley? Cooter says Stanley had two aholes, never seen them but every one always said here comes Stanley with them two aholes.
1/27/2009 10:37:41 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.' 'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.' 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'' The teacher fainted.

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