joke, couldn't find old thread

1/3/2009 3:35:02 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 66	this for a couple of the friends that traveled to this state for the winter, and those that live there.. this by no means refects poster opinion, I would love to spend my winter there. Ode to Arizona-unknown The Devil wanted a place on earth. Sort of a summer home: A place to spend his vacation Whenever he wanted to roam. So he picked out Arizona . A place both wretched and rough. Here the climate was to his liking And the cowboys were hardened and tough. He dried up the streams in the canyons and ordered no rain to fall: He dried up the lakes in the valleys, Then baked and scorched it all. Then over his barren desert He transplanted shrubs from Hell. The cactus, thistle and prickly pear -- The climate suited them well. Now, the home was much to his liking. But animal life, he had none: So he created crawling creatures That all mankind would shun. First he made the rattlesnake. With its forked poisonous tongue: Taught it to strike and rattle And how to swallow its young. Then he made Scorpions and Lizards And the ugly old Horned Toad. He placed spiders of every description Under rocks by the side of the road. Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter. Hotter and hotter still. Until even the cactus wilted And the old Horned Toad looked ill. Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom. As any creator would: He chuckled a little up his sleeve And admitted that it was good. 'Twas summer now and Satan lay By a prickly pear to rest. The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow. So he took off his coat and vest. "By Golly," he finally panted "I did my job too well. I'm going back where I came from ARIZONA is hotter than HELL!"
1/3/2009 3:43:18 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
side_kick San Simon, AZ age: 67	I had an air conditioner on today for about 2 hours. [Edited 1/3/2009 3:45:24 PM PST]
1/3/2009 3:47:33 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
hangtight Rochester, NH age: 61	HUSh , I hate wooley socks and slippers on. Muckalucks when I went out.. Stop yerrr braggin LOL
1/3/2009 3:49:03 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 66	i could use some of that heat today, it is just dreary .
1/3/2009 4:01:43 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
califgirl1 Lynchburg, VA age: 63	It was 80 here...going home tomorrow...where it will be 37... Home sweet home...where it is cold...
1/3/2009 5:19:09 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
firp21 Bedford, IN age: 66	Mexican Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy..' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor... Sometimes the bull wins.' .... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.
1/3/2009 6:11:02 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
hangtight Rochester, NH age: 61	Quote from firp21: Mexican Oysters A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy..' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor... Sometimes the bull wins.' .... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Send e-mail anywhere. No map, no compass. Get your Hotmail® account now.
1/3/2009 6:11:57 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
hangtight Rochester, NH age: 61	OHHHHHHHHHHH FIRP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I read that several times today, Finally uhh got it. YIKES!!!
1/3/2009 7:11:44 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 66	eeewwwwwwwwww steve..remind me to not to eat anything I don't know what it is.. maybe I will become a vegetarian.... one never knows, does one????
1/4/2009 1:32:59 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	Hello! This is an interesting look at our English language.... There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warmUP the leftovers a nd clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ! ;..... .. .my time is UP , so time to shut UP! Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U P
1/4/2009 1:51:50 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
newlady2 Goldsboro, NC age: 72	LOL Darlink ,, are ye sure ??
1/4/2009 2:18:04 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	> Christmas With Louise > > As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his > fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill > them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because > every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor > pantyhose hung sadly empty. > > > One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went > in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at > Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. > > If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse > yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" > "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the > inflatable doll section. > > I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as > a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. > Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different > models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do > things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable > Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. > > To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve > and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. > > My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning > hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose > with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what > remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a > couple of hours. > > The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house > and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog > confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some > more. > > We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the > family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas > dinner. > > My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the > hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." > > "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. > > I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. > > "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into > dining room. > But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" > > Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one > wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang > on!" > > My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and > said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's > friend. > > A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not > just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might > be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. > > The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who > was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like > my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, > flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat > screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across > the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth > resuscitation. > > My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her > napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a > Christmas to treasure and remember. > > Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide > the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from > a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder > drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. > > I can't wait until next Christmas. > >
1/4/2009 2:42:01 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
hangtight Rochester, NH age: 61	COOL COOLBILL.. GREAT POINTS THERE!!! UP CAN BE CONFUSING AND I'M GONNA BE GOOD AND NOT SAY IT.
1/4/2009 2:45:00 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
hangtight Rochester, NH age: 61	ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS ... "The toilet is blocked and we can not bathe the children until it is cleared." "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." "The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?" " I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces." "The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous." "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it." "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink." "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away." "Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us." " I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his c*ck wakes me up, and it is getting too much" "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
1/9/2009 3:52:32 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
10snut Haughton, LA age: 61	Subject: The Washcloth I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the wash cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room an d pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bath room, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied... 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.' NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR, EVER

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