joke, couldn't find old thread 166

2/23/2009 11:02:13 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	An Arkansas couple -- both bonifide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. "Why," he asked, "... after 9 children, would they choose to do this? " The husband replied; '...they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican...' '...They didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican Baby because neither of them could speak Spanish...and they thought there were enough unwanted Mexican's in America already...'
2/23/2009 11:58:26 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
califgirl1 Lynchburg, VA age: 63	> > Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA ) > > Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King > for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging > for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave > it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 > pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I > sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me > two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he > tried to explain the transaction to her, she e stood there > and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution > in teaching math since the 1950s: > > 1. Teaching Math In 195 0s > > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for > $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is > his profit ? > > 2. Teaching Math In 1960s > > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for > $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. > What is his profit? > > 3. Teaching Math In 1970s > > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for > $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? > > 4. Teaching Math In 1980s > > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for > $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. > Your assignment: Underline the number 20. > reedin...ritin...rithmetic > 5. Teaching Math In 1990s > > A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because > he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the > habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He > does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think > of this way of making a living? Topic for class > participation after answering the question: How did the > birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? > (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, > it's ok. ) > > 6. Teaching Math In 2009 > > Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara > $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha > hecho? > > -- > GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! We're gonna need it! >
2/23/2009 12:40:17 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
newlady2 Goldsboro, NC age: 72	He will Bless us ..*nods
2/23/2009 12:49:29 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
2/23/2009 12:53:28 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
newlady2 Goldsboro, NC age: 72	Good one Darlink!!
2/23/2009 1:08:17 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	Coolbill.....
2/23/2009 1:22:09 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
fitzlydia Belmont, NH age: 61 online now!	Good one!!
2/23/2009 2:32:54 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the octo-slam, you get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
2/23/2009 9:38:08 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. * Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" [Edited 2/23/2009 9:39:34 PM PST]
2/24/2009 6:31:12 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
coolbilldarling Bronston, KY age: 75	The Little Red Hen (The New American Way) "Who will help me sow my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. She planted her crop, and the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck.. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said "No, I shall eat all five loaves" and she did. "Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi) "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer) "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson) The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy) And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle." And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for. EPILOGUE Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
2/24/2009 8:11:38 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	> >'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...' > >1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to > >beer. > >2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you > >can't afford shoes. > >3.You have more wives than teeth. > >4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider > >bacon 'unclean.' > >5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. > >6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. > >7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives > >in your clothing. > >8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than > >setting off roadside bombs. > >9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with > >your cave.' > >10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at > >least one. > >11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. > >12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
2/24/2009 8:59:24 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
areyoutheone61 Fayetteville, NC age: 62	PONDERISMS I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt. 'Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
2/24/2009 9:33:22 AM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59
2/24/2009 1:19:17 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
havasusweety Lake Havasu City, AZ age: 64	Driver's License - too cute not to forward A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.' If you see someone without a smile today give them one of yours!
2/24/2009 6:15:24 PM	joke, couldn't find old thread
gentlebear1949 Wooster, OH age: 59	A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

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