Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same

1/31/2009 11:40:22 AM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
msbevzie Oregon, OH 52, joined Aug. 2008	What can be done about a womanizer? A womanizer is a man who repeatedly gets emotionally and sexually involved with other women while being in a primary relationship. He indulges in flirtatious behaviors, attracting women with his charm and wooing conduct. Womanizing males are often very charming, appealing, and may even seem vulnerable, which many women find most endearing. Along with the playful seduction come flattering words, gifts, entertainment and fun activities bestowed upon his momentary love interest. Lying is a necessary companion of all illegal and immoral conduct. The womanizer spins a web of intricate lies, cover-up stories and false alibis to sustain his double life. Sex is not necessarily what he seeks, but it is the ultimate form of female acceptance. Some people term womanizers as sex-addicts, I prefer to view them as validation-addicts. Not that this distinction alters any of the behaviors, or condones them. It simply emphasizes that these males are deeply insecure about their worth and personal appeal. They desperately need the repeated reassurances of many women to validate their desirability. Since this is a quest of external validation, which is not matched by their internal esteem, it is unquenchable. No one woman ever suffices. A womanizer is a tragic person. He keeps creating greater and greater messes in his life and is never secure for more than a moment. He exerts immense energy, at great cost, for short-lived rewards. As with any addiction, when confronted, the womanizer is very contrite, feel remorse, promises to alter his conduct, to only resume his escapades shortly after the emotional storm subsides. It is important to note that not all men who stray are womanizers. The term only applies to men with a repeated pattern of infidelity. The nature of the womanizer’s pursuits are multiple and intense. The man himself is often very clear whether he is seeking a new relationship, or a conquest. He also knows how insecure he feels when he is not pursuing a new love interest. Interestingly enough, wives of womanizers are often very sweet, loyal, trusting and even naïve women. They are typically very non-intrusive and may be quite gullible. Because these wives are often very decent themselves, they accept the tall tales. They cling to the flimsy thread of the possible - rather than the probable explanation. Sometimes they are in denial of the intolerable reality. It may take the wife years to become aware of her husband’s dalliances. Even when the evidence is glaring, some women still allow for the most unlikely explanation for their husbands_ blatant transgressions. "I think it is possible for my husband to have spent a weekend with this woman at a resort, not being involved, just helping her with her current life’s difficulty." "Not all encounters between opposite genders are necessarily sexual". These comments, made by devoted wives of womanizers, exemplify the logic some women use to avoid dealing with their cruel reality. The wife is often unprepared to face reality because it will shatter her life and family, as well as devastate her trust and love for her husband. She may be in denial because of financial dependence, fear of abandonment, or the dread of facing overwhelming life-altering changes. She may feel guilt about her part of this crisis and may be willing to forgive him under promises of cessation. The tragedy is that many womanizers are very much in love and in need of their wives. The steady, loving and supportive partner, is seen by the man as the family’s anchor. He often respects, admires and cherishes his wife and can not see himself without her. Yet, in his weakness he re-offends. There is a parallel pattern for females _ the seductress. It is similar, yet not identical to the womanizer. ( More about her in a future column). What can be done? ® Realize that womanizing is an addiction. It needs to be defined and treated as such. ® Since addictive behaviors mask intolerable feelings, these must be discovered and treated. ® The womanizer is the only person who can decide to alter his ways and seek the help he needs. ® Most addicts are best treated in an intensive residential treatment program followed by ongoing therapy and attendance in SLA (Sex and Love Addiction) twelve-step program. ® His behavior is no reflection of his wife’s capacity as a partner. ® Womanizing behaviors are not evidence of lack of love for the primary partner. ® Denial, rationalizations, excuses and forgiveness do not help bring about recovery. Both partners must understand the nature of the addiction and commit to dealing with it. ® Accusations, angry retorts and character attributions are destructive and must be avoided. ® Women must safeguard their own well being, which at times may require separating from the womanizer. ® Recovery is possible. It takes awareness, time, energy, money and commitment. The rewards of recovery from addiction are immense. Those who have succeeded can attest to the new life they have gained and the joy they have attained in their relationships. Meet singles at DateHookup.dating, we're 100% free! Join now!
1/31/2009 1:45:24 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
bbw46reader Frederick, MD 53, joined Oct. 2008	Well, I've read/learned/experienced this before but appreciate the refresher course. It has recently become important for me to understand that, in some cases, the not-so-good guys' ultimate, ulterior motive is not sexual conquest or control - we hear a lot on these subjects. Here is the thing I need to keep in mind right now: '___________ behaviors mask intolerable feelings' Inserting 'addictive' or other appropriate maladaptive behavior in there as appropriate.
1/31/2009 2:18:41 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
slowhand31 South Pittsburg, TN 38, joined Dec. 2008	chemical castration? Wouldn't that work?
1/31/2009 8:27:19 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
bbw46reader Frederick, MD 53, joined Oct. 2008	Quote from slowhand31: chemical castration? Wouldn't that work? You have to get them to take the dose!
1/31/2009 8:53:05 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
clownkilla Sarasota, FL 45, joined Jan. 2009	We're really not as bad as you think we are.
1/31/2009 9:00:09 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
awakeing Walled Lake, MI 43, joined Mar. 2008	I thank you for posting this. This has been a hard week for me. One full year of not living with him, being with him, or having him in my life as my "legal mate". Yesterday I suddenly broke into tears and couldn't stop crying, I cried till my eyes were blood shot. Not that I cried for him, no this time I cried for the life I lost being with him. I finally made it past the anger stage to full acceptance of being able to believe the unbelievable. I have to admit it's a tough pill to swallow seeing myself described in that post. Meek, and the meek shall inherit the earth.... I was too meek, too trusting, too loving. So I finally mourned my heart that was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground, stomped on and pissed on. May men like that lay on their death bed...ALONE!
1/31/2009 9:09:38 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
magtag East York, ON 49, joined Aug. 2007	If this article is helping any women cope with their loss or what they've been through, my greatest apologies for my comment because it's no reflection on anyone in particular, but on the article and concept itself. It seems to me that calling this an "addiction" is nothing but making excuses for selfish, unfaithful and disrespectful men. There is no excuse. Don't take the responsibility away from them (cheaters), let them have it!
1/31/2009 9:50:40 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
bbw46reader Frederick, MD 53, joined Oct. 2008	Quote from magtag: If this article is helping any women cope with their loss or what they've been through, my greatest apologies for my comment because it's no reflection on anyone in particular, but on the article and concept itself. It seems to me that calling this an "addiction" is nothing but making excuses for selfish, unfaithful and disrespectful men. There is no excuse. Don't take the responsibility away from them (cheaters), let them have it! And what is their responsibility? Stop doing it? Having an addiction does not abrogate responsibility. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I've trudged through hell to recover. My ongoing wellness is my responsibility. I know you've heard the word 'addiction' over and over until it has no meaning, I know most of those times you've heard it used incorrectly and ignorantly. But it has a very precise, even clinical, meaning. To greatly oversimplify, it means that the person is sick. Always, always, they are sick mentally. Frequently they are sick physically too. The defining factors of addiction include, but are not limited to, loss of control and the inability to stop on one's own. Saying someone is addicted is NOT saying that they are a good person and leave them alone because they can't help it. It is saying that the person, who may be a saint or a slimeball or somewhere in between, cannot stop doing something that is extremely harmful, often deadly, to themselves and others. Most people sick in this way do not get better without expert treatment. And most don't volunteer for treatment. And punishment alone doesn't change the addictive behavior - it just twists it into something different, usually worse. This drives me nuts. You know you can use the internet to look up things instead of relying on the wisdom of Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob down at the fillin' station. Sorry, but this fries my ass.
1/31/2009 10:59:10 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
magtag East York, ON 49, joined Aug. 2007	Quote from bbw46reader: And what is their responsibility? Stop doing it? Having an addiction does not abrogate responsibility. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I've trudged through hell to recover. My ongoing wellness is my responsibility. I know you've heard the word 'addiction' over and over until it has no meaning, I know most of those times you've heard it used incorrectly and ignorantly. But it has a very precise, even clinical, meaning. To greatly oversimplify, it means that the person is sick. Always, always, they are sick mentally. Frequently they are sick physically too. The defining factors of addiction include, but are not limited to, loss of control and the inability to stop on one's own. Saying someone is addicted is NOT saying that they are a good person and leave them alone because they can't help it. It is saying that the person, who may be a saint or a slimeball or somewhere in between, cannot stop doing something that is extremely harmful, often deadly, to themselves and others. Most people sick in this way do not get better without expert treatment. And most don't volunteer for treatment. And punishment alone doesn't change the addictive behavior - it just twists it into something different, usually worse. This drives me nuts. You know you can use the internet to look up things instead of relying on the wisdom of Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob down at the fillin' station. Sorry, but this fries my ass. My apologies if I came off as belittleing addiction. My point was just the opposite. Calling a womanizer and a chronic cheat an "addict" to me makes light of real addiction...Not OK. Those type of people need to take responsibility for how they treat people and the consequences that may come.
2/1/2009 12:48:52 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
msbevzie Oregon, OH 52, joined Aug. 2008	Quote from bbw46reader: And what is their responsibility? Stop doing it? Having an addiction does not abrogate responsibility. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I've trudged through hell to recover. My ongoing wellness is my responsibility. I know you've heard the word 'addiction' over and over until it has no meaning, I know most of those times you've heard it used incorrectly and ignorantly. But it has a very precise, even clinical, meaning. To greatly oversimplify, it means that the person is sick. Always, always, they are sick mentally. Frequently they are sick physically too. The defining factors of addiction include, but are not limited to, loss of control and the inability to stop on one's own. Saying someone is addicted is NOT saying that they are a good person and leave them alone because they can't help it. It is saying that the person, who may be a saint or a slimeball or somewhere in between, cannot stop doing something that is extremely harmful, often deadly, to themselves and others. Most people sick in this way do not get better without expert treatment. And most don't volunteer for treatment. And punishment alone doesn't change the addictive behavior - it just twists it into something different, usually worse. This drives me nuts. You know you can use the internet to look up things instead of relying on the wisdom of Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob down at the fillin' station. Sorry, but this fries my ass. I am PROUD of you...maybe people really need to understand there are MANY forms of addiction!!! SICK...is the term I use...my ex was an alcoholic, sober 19 yrs I spent many days in AA learning I call all addictions sickness, and there is help aslong as the person themselves want it. SICK people can get better...
2/1/2009 12:50:24 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
msbevzie Oregon, OH 52, joined Aug. 2008	Quote from awakeing: I thank you for posting this. This has been a hard week for me. One full year of not living with him, being with him, or having him in my life as my "legal mate". Yesterday I suddenly broke into tears and couldn't stop crying, I cried till my eyes were blood shot. Not that I cried for him, no this time I cried for the life I lost being with him. I finally made it past the anger stage to full acceptance of being able to believe the unbelievable. I have to admit it's a tough pill to swallow seeing myself described in that post. Meek, and the meek shall inherit the earth.... I was too meek, too trusting, too loving. So I finally mourned my heart that was ripped out of my chest, thrown to the ground, stomped on and pissed on. May men like that lay on their death bed...ALONE! I know that feeling...
2/1/2009 1:07:53 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
susansheart839 Port Saint Lucie, FL 68, joined Mar. 2008	Addictive behavior can include cigarette smoking (mine), as well. Us addicts will admit to "using," but are loathe to admit that we are powerless over the drug. It takes intervention and an addict's willingness to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know a few "dry drunks," and although they have stopped drinking, their behavior has remained the same (destructive to themselves and others). So, if we include womanizers and abusers into the addicted group, do the "enablers" who are stuck with them (the wives, husands, girlfriends, boyfriends) have any role in the addicted's behavior? Yes. We do the normal, everyday things that need to be done that makes life easy on the addicted person with whom we have decided to associate. In other words, we get all the work, the addicted party gets the drug of choice at will with no consequences to be paid. So, how do enablers stop themselves from enabling? By reading the book "Enabler No More." The book teaches you to love yourself, take back your power and stop enabling the addict.
2/1/2009 1:16:51 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
snowbird02s Florence Italy 97, joined Jan. 2009	I had a boyfriend that was a pathalogic liar. I also found out he was addicted to sex ! I assure you that I will Never tolerate someone with that disorder, No matter what. I will leave them the second I find out. I respect myself, and demand respect in return.
2/2/2009 9:23:04 AM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
msbevzie Oregon, OH 52, joined Aug. 2008	Quote from susansheart839: Addictive behavior can include cigarette smoking (mine), as well. Us addicts will admit to "using," but are loathe to admit that we are powerless over the drug. It takes intervention and an addict's willingness to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know a few "dry drunks," and although they have stopped drinking, their behavior has remained the same (destructive to themselves and others). So, if we include womanizers and abusers into the addicted group, do the "enablers" who are stuck with them (the wives, husands, girlfriends, boyfriends) have any role in the addicted's behavior? Yes. We do the normal, everyday things that need to be done that makes life easy on the addicted person with whom we have decided to associate. In other words, we get all the work, the addicted party gets the drug of choice at will with no consequences to be paid. So, how do enablers stop themselves from enabling? By reading the book "Enabler No More." The book teaches you to love yourself, take back your power and stop enabling the addict. Susan your an awesome woman yourself, and have been through much like the rest of us...there is a man on here who is very sick...in his profile calls himself a womanizer, and if you have ran across him and looked at his post you as well as I know he's very SICK. YES as enablers we have to STOP ourselves from ENABLING as well...great point...we are as sick or sicker than the SICK at times. Many times people aren't even aware they are enabling and just as much or more to blame then the SICK...there are many books on enabling but thanks for making that suggestion as well.
2/2/2009 10:30:26 AM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
susansheart839 Port Saint Lucie, FL 68, joined Mar. 2008	Thanks for the compliment. I had to see a shrink to get my answer because I kept choosing the same type of man over and over again. I thought I had made an informed choice with the ex, but damn, I did it again!!! The more I tried to help my ex, the more he resented me. That's part of the dance an enabler and the addict do. Once my shrink offered the book, I came home, read it and did what the author said to do. Sure, my marriage fell apart after that, but I learned to love myself FIRST. If your love interest is not actively adding to your life, subtract that person from your life. Anyone who puts drugs before me is an idiot, but that's just my humble opinion.
2/2/2009 1:49:25 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
basster Lamar, MO 64, joined Nov. 2008	This is by far the best thread that I have seen on here yet. All the info that you put in here on this Bev. hits the nail right on the head as far as some good friends experiences I have worked with in my time. I have a very dear friend of about thirty years & she was sucked in way too many times. It seems like the men she has met would tell her everything they knew she wanted to hear just to get her confidence in them & from there no matter what they said or did she was blind to it. It just seemed that she was attracted to abuse & not love. I've explained to her that love starts from within & as corny as it sounds, you have to love yourself & have pride in yourself before you can love another person. There are way too many vultures that wait & prey on others & both sexs have them. I have friends in here that I value very much & if I have gave any false fronts unintentially please forgive me all of you. I am starting to come out of my shell more & more & plan on meeting in person real soon & I try to give anyone I talk to that I am parinoid of a relationship before knowing each other good first. I'm sure that there is people in here that just wants to meet for just sex but in the first place, if I wanted just sex then there are plenty of bars for that. Thats not my game. Am I in the wrong site??? I hope not & it seems so far that I'm not.
2/3/2009 11:10:29 AM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
msbevzie Oregon, OH 52, joined Aug. 2008	Well Bass thank you very much, as you are aware of I am sure...I got this info off the comp, as I was in a few threads reading a profile, and the man called himself a "womanizer"...it struck me, as I was singing the song in my head...I want the meaning of that so...I found this info. I have talked to you before your a dear sweet man...I wouldn't ever think bad of YOU by no means, and I read your going to be meeting soon...awesome...good luck! I have been in an abusive relationship/marriage...and there are some awesome threads on here a few of which I have started, and no I do research, and get info, and alot of times post that. I myself was very vulnerable to the situation I was in, and refuse to ever be a VICTIM...so instead I pass on what I know and what I've been through myself...from my heart I type, and hope people can relate, feel what I felt, and share as well. I've often been told for a long time now...I should become a counselor, even from people I don't know, just happen to have run into people...talk to them, and this is what has come from THEIR mouths. I'm a people person, it's not about me...in a sense it is, BUT its about what I can do for others...
2/3/2009 11:44:55 AM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
serenityfrank Toms River, NJ 57, joined Sep. 2008	Thanks to all who have contributed to this thread and of course op, i dont agree with each and every word from all but do learn from each,, it has been my experiance that addictions arent ever cured,, but with hard work recovery is possible and continious attention to keep things at bay are required,,i am in my 17th year of sobriety but am not cured if ignored my disease or illness would certainly raise its head in one form or another as it has with my smoking cigarettes-i know it detrimental to my health but fall back to it,,so i must try harder and broaden my efforts to discover the twists in my thinking that have me allowing this to reocur,excuses not needed just more intensive effort on my part to root it out,,with help, so thanks for the reminder to all,,Frank-F.O.B.
2/3/2009 12:35:38 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
msbevzie Oregon, OH 52, joined Aug. 2008	Frank...I love your name, and also I love the serenity prayer...I say it often to myself, and have it in different places of my living area. I am also proud of you for your 17 yrs...remember one day at a time! Addictions no matter what do and can rear their ugly heads if you don't take correct measures, and your right you never do recover from them. And they can and will bring themselves up in other forms... 12 step programs are awesome for ANYONE! I myself am not an addict BUT I had the opportunity to sit in and attend many meetings with my ex, and it truly was an awesome opportunity. If anyone gets the chance or would ever like to please take it upon yourself to attend any kind of twelve step meeting. I truly miss the most honest, upfront, grateful, trusting most wonderful human beings that I today call "MY REAL FRIENDS" that I met while attending my exes meetings! I have great hope for every person with an addiction(sickness), and know they too can get better if THEY THEMSELVES want to.
2/3/2009 12:41:59 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
noredneckhere Knoxville, TN 55, joined Apr. 2008	You are trying to substitute the word "abuse" for "stupidity". Do you think that will make it better for you girls ???? By your same logic, it could be construed that any chick that gets fat after marriage is "abusing" the man.
2/3/2009 1:41:51 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
steven215 Dewitt, MI 64, joined Dec. 2008	There is a group of doctors that believe any addiction is curable, I don't. I think generalities are always dangerous, both men and women suffer from this problem. I don't smoke drink or do drugs but like EVERYONE else I have my own faults and issues. Why will women excuse most kinds of addictive behaviors and yet this one is a deal breaker. I know woman who will let their men do illegal activities and forgive them, but never cheating. I think like most addictions it about hiding from the things that hurt in life. If you're drunk, high, gambling, cheating, shopping, etc you taken from the things that hurt. We are momentarily distracted from the pain by our addictions. They are all interrelated and yet some are more personal than others and we tend to judge which are more dangerous by our own activities. As far as abusive, I think your typical drunk or hard drug user is much more likely to kick you a** and treat you like shit. Women find their own way to abuse men so at some point we all pay a price for these behaviors.
2/3/2009 3:13:57 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
basster Lamar, MO 64, joined Nov. 2008	Thank you Bev & I also agree that you would make a fantastic counselor. We have talked on a few times & you have captured me from the very first time.I love your profile & I feel that you speak from your heart everytime. As far as meeting soon, I meant that as soon as I feel like I am ready to trust the fact that it wont be a waste of my time or the persons. I was in a abusive relationship for way to long & I am the type of man that a woman can literally take me to the bank & have let them do so. I am a sucker in every sense & when I give my trust I give it. Some men think that is down right stupid but like you, I use my heart & not my loins. Maybe being paranoid is an addiction ? Time will tell & I look forward to your E-Mails each & every time.
2/3/2009 3:18:15 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
basster Lamar, MO 64, joined Nov. 2008	Frank your awsome !! keep on keeping on !! I tip my hat to you.
2/4/2009 5:44:29 PM	Womanizer/Abuser seems one in the same
manmike2009 Port Chester, NY 48, joined Feb. 2009	One therapist i heard speak once said that the focus shouldnt be on the abuser but on the "victim".The problem isnt neccessarilly the abuser but the interplay of victim and victimizer.The victim feels comfortable(Psychologically) in these abusive realtionships because this is what they experienced in their families.A wonderful book about fanilies writen by Bradshaw covers this beutifully.

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