Joke Thread... post em here!

12/9/2007 7:40:11 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
bluboy Elsberry, MO age: 56 online now!	CIRCUMCISED... PRICELESS A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was=quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. After the call, he returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the=room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM?
12/9/2007 7:45:54 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
trublu5ft2 Columbia, TN age: 50 online now!	The taser one was really funny. I sell tasers. My oldest son is now trying to get up the nerve to have it used on him to see how it feels lol Will keep ya posted!
12/9/2007 7:52:25 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
thepkk Springfield, MO age: 52 online now!	Tru are you going to let him read the joke before or after he uses it? LMAO
12/9/2007 7:54:51 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
robert007 Orlando, FL age: 68	One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blond! The glamorous blond strode up to the Scotsman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," he replied. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "That is so good! I'd almost forgotten what a great smoke could be." "And how long has it been since you had a drop of Single Malt Scotch?" Trembling, the Scotsman replied, "Ten years also." Hearing that, the blond reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to the castaway. He opens the flask and takes a long drink. "Tis nectar of the Gods," stated the Scotsman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!" At that point, the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
12/9/2007 7:56:12 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
trublu5ft2 Columbia, TN age: 50 online now!	Pk.. I do believe I shall wait til after he tries it.. well, after he gets his eyes back in his head lol
12/9/2007 8:01:19 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
robert007 Orlando, FL age: 68	A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. 'What's the matter?' he asks. 'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice. 'What the hell is anal glaucoma?' 'I can't see my ass coming into work today.
12/9/2007 8:04:47 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
davewave1 Ann Arbor, MI age: 60	Those who have known me for a long time know that my humor comes at the speed of light in the form of ZIP files, and ranges from the very randy to the very worst of puns. In a micro-second, they "pop" into my head, I unzip the file, and things like the following happen instantly. A true story: A customer came up to the store Paint Counter where I happened to be standing while waiting for my paint order. He asked the clerk to shake a can of paint primer for him. "I'd like it shaken, not stirred." he said, "just like James Bond in the movies." At the speed of light, I "received" one of my humor zipped files. My mind unzipped the file and I said to the customer, "Speaking of James Bond, have you heard about those giant penguins who live at the South Pole?, I asked. "They stand about three feet tall and are named Emperor Penguins. Their outer coat makes them look like they are wearing a tuxedo, kind of like one that James Bond would wear. "Because of this fact," I continued, "One of the researchers down there in the Antarctic named one of those Emperor penguins James Bond the Second!' "Really?" the customer asked me. "You not kidding me now are you?" "Nope..", I responded, "I am dead serious about this." "In fact," I continued, "Now that this Penguin has the name James Bond the Second, he also has something very much like the real James Bond has." "What would that be?" asked the customer. "Well," I said, "just like James Bond............... This Penguin................. has............... a................. license............... to................ K R I L L !"
12/9/2007 8:06:47 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
thepkk Springfield, MO age: 52 online now!	Those are good ones Robert!
12/9/2007 8:13:40 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
radeon250 Rapid City, SD age: 51	>>>"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. >>>I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." >>>The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail >>>Marys." >>> >>>Soon after, another man enters the confessional. >>>"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. >>>I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months". >>> >>>This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" >>>"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. >>>"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys." >>> >>>At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, >>>a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. >>>The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays >>>up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest! >>> >>>Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green >>>shoes. >>>The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes >>>and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. >>> >>>The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" >>> >>>The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No Father, I >>>think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
12/9/2007 10:04:13 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
harriett Homosassa, FL age: 61 online now!	PK, your joke was soooo funny. My sides are still hurting. LMAO
12/10/2007 7:17:23 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
herefromminsk Charlottesville, VA age: 70	A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.' If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!
12/10/2007 4:32:29 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
explorer11 Rolla, MO age: 61 online now!	Fairy Tale One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, or b*tch... But this was a long, long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.
12/11/2007 7:07:19 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 65	Christmas Eve – Italian Style I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent’s house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees…I was wrong! I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. “I know these family things can be a little weird,” I told her, “but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.” “Sounds fine to me,” Karen said. I told my mother I’d be bringing Karen with me. “She’s a very nice girl and she’s really looking forward to meeting all of you.” “Sounds fine to me,” my mother said. And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want? I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season – an Italian woman’s reason for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen has it. She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t cook. She doesn’t bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway. 7PM – We arrive Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like cheeseburger on the barbecue, determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, “She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.” 7:30PM – Others arrive Zio Giovanni walks in with my Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, anchovies and cheese…no meat of course. When I offer to make Karen’s plate she says, “No thank you.” She points to the anchovies with a look of disgust…”You don’t like anchovies?” I ask. “I don’t like fish,” Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable. Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, “Knockwurst.” My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen’s chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, “Knockers?” My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I’d hoped. 8PM – Second course The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she’ll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my “Merry Christmas” napkin from my lap, place it on the “Merry Christmas” tablecloth and walk into the kitchen. “I don’t want to start any trouble,” my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. “But if she pours this on my pasta, I’m going to throw acid in her face.” “Come on,” I tell her. “It’s Christmas. Let her eat what she wants.” My mother considers the situation, and then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. “Tell me the truth,” she says, “are you serious with this tramp?” “She’s not a tramp,” I reply, “and I’ve only known her for three weeks.” “Well, it’s your life,” she tells me, “but if you marry her, she’ll poison you.” 8:30PM – more fish My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. “Why don’t you give them a little hand?” I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. “Dear, you don’t have to do that,” my mother tells her, smiling painfully. “Oh, okay,” Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, “Whoops.” More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as “slimy, like worms.” My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia Maria does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Zio Giovanni doesn’t know what to make of it. My father’s dentures fall out and chew a six inch gash in the tablecloth. 10PM – coffee and dessert Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a canolli and slaps my mother with it. “This is fun.” Karen says. Time passes and believe it or not everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer – even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, “get this b*tch out of my house.” Sounds fine to me.
12/11/2007 7:47:19 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
cottagebithec Utica, NY age: 60	You guys are fuunnnny
12/11/2007 8:00:35 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 65	The Christmas Party FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1 I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holiday of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay??? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan”, there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up? FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now! FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

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