Joke Thread... post em here!

1/5/2008 4:51:56 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sugahsouth Lake City, TN age: 60
1/5/2008 5:18:19 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
badgerblue Crofton, BC age: 59	A guy goes to the Doctor and informs the doc that he needs 3 viagra. Three! say's the doctor! Why Three?..Well, the man explains, Friday, my Mistress is coming over, Saturday this Fluzie is coming over, and on Sunday, my steady girl is coming over. The doctor gave him the 3 viagra and sent him on his way. On Monday morning this guy is back in the doctor's office, his hands briused and swollen,and one of his arms in a semi sling. What the hell happened to you? exclaimed the doctor? To this the guy replied, "None of the women showed up"
1/5/2008 6:03:21 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
gracec Colton, CA age: 58	Thank God for you Jokers, No, Joke Posters! Your the TOPS! Gracec P.S. I'd post one if I could remember the whole thing. Nonetheless, you have a happy listener!
1/5/2008 6:24:49 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sorprano Wayne, NJ age: 55 online now!
1/5/2008 8:59:40 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
qirki San Francisco, CA age: 62	Sorprano? Where is the joke?!! I saw your name and clicked ready to laugh. I am now suffering from humor interruptus! ????? Ah! Thank you! [Edited 1/6/2008 1:16:36 PM]
1/5/2008 9:15:54 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
ybnrml999 Smyrna, GA age: 52	Did you know that Bill and Hillary Clinton actually had 4 kids. But, she ate the other three at birth!!!!!!!!
1/7/2008 4:09:50 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
mrsmiles4444 Culpeper, VA age: 51	The Cowboy A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
1/7/2008 7:24:28 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
emt854 Appleton, WI age: 53	WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD DR. PHIL : " The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on ! his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems ". OPRAH: " Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he ! can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens." GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here." COLIN POWELL: " Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..." JOHN LENNON: "Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace." BILL GATES: "I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken GRANDPA: "In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough NANCY GRACE: "That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks MARTHA STEWART: "No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information." DR SEUSS: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told." ERNEST HEMINGWAY: "To die in the rain. Alone." BILL CLINTON: " I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!" COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?" D*CK CHENEY: " Where's my gun?" Hillary Clinton: " I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire." So..thats why
1/7/2008 9:57:43 AM	Joke Thread... post em here!
lotsafuninpa Tioga, PA age: 66 online now!	Red Skelton's Advice for a long marriage--too funny: 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas . 3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless" Be who you are and say what you feel...because those that matter ...don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter.
1/7/2008 4:01:57 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
cottagebithec Utica, NY age: 60	At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's Marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who Was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes And share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the Same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get Her.
1/7/2008 4:37:37 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
mrsmiles4444 Culpeper, VA age: 51	cottage, would have NEVER guess you had it in you, but that was a really good joke.
1/7/2008 4:56:20 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
mrsmiles4444 Culpeper, VA age: 51	10 thoughts for 2008 10.life is sexually transmitted 9.Good health is merely the slowest possible rate that one can die 8. Men have 2 emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an ________________, make him a sandwich. 7. give a person a fish and you feed then for a day: teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for a week. 6. Some people are like a slinky- not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the atirs. 5.health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing. 4.All of us could take a lesson from the weather. it pays no attention to criticism. ( wish i could put this one in bold) 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30 2. in the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. now the worlds weid and people take prozac to make it normal and the number one thought for 2008 is: We know exactly where one cow, with mad-cow desease is amongst thousands and thousands of cows in America, but we can't find where thousands of illegal immigrants or terrorists are located. maybe we should put the department of agriculture in charge of immigration.
1/8/2008 2:05:45 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
cottagebithec Utica, NY age: 60	Here you go sassy...This sometimes get rolled over to the second page (at bottom of 50+ group's threads)
1/8/2008 5:53:10 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 65	Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

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