Joke Thread... post em here!

12/3/2007 7:23:24 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
cottagebithec Utica, NY age: 60	Looks like we have some good ones being posted in separate threads here. How 'bout starting a thread just for them in the 50+ group? Anyone? Soprano? Where did you go?
12/3/2007 8:36:44 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
61sunshine North Augusta, SC age: 61	This is not a joke--was funny though I was in Nashville last week with a church group. I am not a member of this church so the friend that went with me and I were hanging back as the tickets were given out for the General Jackson Showboat and ended up at a table for 10 with just her, me and the pastor who is a cut up. He was joking with the waitress and she mentioned that he had 2 lovely ladies to dine with to which he replied "wife 1 and wife 2" The poor girl didn't know what to say. My friend,with a very straight face said "we're from Utah".
12/4/2007 2:46:06 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
cottagebithec Utica, NY age: 60	Can picture the scene...
12/4/2007 2:48:10 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
cottagebithec Utica, NY age: 60	This is from stellablue UP there in the Joke Forum... One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John's mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother: Dear Ma, I'm not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains, It's missing. Love, John This was her response... Dear John, I'm not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now. Love, Mom
12/4/2007 3:57:49 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
wishicould Mesquite, TX age: 51	Older guy (bout 50) was sitting on one of those benches in the mall waiting for his daughter who was shopping. Before long these younger kids gathered nearby and one of the boys had multi-colored hair. The colors were brilliant, every color from blues and reds to yellow. The older guy kept looking at the multi-haired young man until the young guy approached the older man and said "Whats wrong old man, why are you stareing at me, didn't you ever do anything wild and crazy when you were younger?" The old man thought about it for a moment and replied. "Yes I did young man, when I was about your age I had sex with a peac*ck and I was wondering if you were my son".
12/4/2007 4:00:22 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
explorer11 Rolla, MO age: 61	Did you hear bout Daisy and Dolly in the pasture... Daisy said to Dolly, I've had artificial insemenation Dolly says really.. Daisy says yep.. no Bull...
12/4/2007 10:22:05 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 65	not exactly a joke but I thought it was funny... He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the sh*t out of him... Like his mother used to do. [Edited 12/4/2007 10:35:11 PM]
12/4/2007 10:41:20 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 65	borrowed from MISPK -with thanks I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the KMart bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed,desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitablyget lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened . . . having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless they're black and are attached to a garter belt. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year, unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
12/4/2007 10:55:24 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
nextman4u Stowe, VT age: 53	Jeezum' Crow!!! Ya'd think we were all incompitant. Okay, sometimes, but I finished My X-mas shoping , the 1st week of November. I wouldn't use reindeer though. Belgians, or maybe Percherons. If get lost, I just have to let go the lines, tell them to "step up", and as soon as they figure out that they're on their own, off to the barn they go, and I can try again from there, 'cause I know where I'm startin' from. Do you remember when there was a car made in the former Yugoslavia, designed by Fiat and called a "Yugo"? Yeeaaahhh, the car was a joke by itself. But.... Why does a "Yugo" need a rear window defroster? [Edited 12/4/2007 10:58:41 PM]
12/4/2007 10:59:44 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
nextman4u Stowe, VT age: 53	To keep your hands warm while you're pushing. Pa-dum!!!
12/4/2007 11:31:49 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
sassy_lassy Kingston, TN age: 65	Hey Trish, This is for you girl, where are you???? woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay…. How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?” "I promise I won't," she says. "I was behind you in McDonald's."
12/5/2007 9:14:59 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
lotus3 Venice, FL age: 55	a canabal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. + Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
12/8/2007 2:31:33 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
mediaman Homosassa, FL age: 64	FRIED EXPLORER? That reminds me of the time they kicked me out of Astranaut School. I told them I didn't want to fool around going to the Moon or Mars, I wanted to go right to the big one, the Sun.... they said Jack! (that's what they called me back in those days) Jack you would be one Fried Explorer before you even got close to the Sun. But they didn't even give me a chance to explain! Because I had it all figured out. I was going to go at night. [Edited 12/8/2007 2:32:23 PM]
12/8/2007 2:36:34 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
trublu5ft2 Columbia, TN age: 50 online now!	Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down. The third one responded, Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood. She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, That must be the door, I'll get it!
12/9/2007 6:45:35 PM	Joke Thread... post em here!
thepkk Springfield, MO age: 52 online now!	The Taser This is hysterical.....Read the WHOLE thing Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ccked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumb ass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Caveats: NONE

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