How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?

12/4/2007 8:59:57 PM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
bamabob Cullman, AL age: 55 online now!	Just like so many things in life...it takes two. The longer you've been in a relationship the more you've got invested. These investment are far more than money or material things. Frequently it is only one that wants out and relationships can go stale for many reasons. Both people were in love or together for some kind of partnership. I certainly wish I had all the answers to rekindling the fire but I don't. However, I've definitely experienced breakups that to me had no rhyme or reason. I don't see any way that a relationship can be kept good and happy if both partners are not committed to the relationship. This does not mean not screwing around. It could mean that outside influences take over the relationship whether it is friends, children, family, hobbies, jobs..any number of things. The failure of the relationship is pretty much that one or both partners get involved in independent things and do not involve the other partner in his or her own interests. My latest break up was exactly like that. The woman in my life became so overwhelmed and involved with her daughter and grand children that she failed to involve me in her relationship and activities with them. I was offered the opportunity to go to ball games and activities with them. However, we had been working on building a home together and I felt that we needed to spend the time on our needs to get the house built and things taken care of here so we could get out of this dump we were living in. She felt it more important to spend time with her family. Rather than compromising with me her emotions and previous experiences (and her daughter) influenced her to pack up and move out because she was unhappy here. She never discussed it with me and never offered to work it out. The communication was broken when I was left out of decisions and conversations which ultimately severed her affections for me. This is only one of many examples of how unhappiness happens in a relationship. Fact is, if you want out you will be losing much of what you've accumulated together...the friends and family members you have come close to...this is one thing that has hurt me a great deal. Not only that you may be hurting the other person and not realize his/her feelings and may not be aware of how strong that persons attachment is to your family. People tend to get dependent emotionally on the routine of daily living and the change can be traumatic for one while a relief for the other. All too frequently, that common ground is not realized by the one hurting person who wants out so bad and he/she is blinded to realize the good in the other person and relationship. IMHO I feel that a relationship that has lasted for years and was very good for years should not be thrown away but nurtured back to good health by both coming to an honest agreement to involve each other more in each others personal lives and reduce the independence. I firmly believe that a relationship should not be 50/50 but 100%/100% and the two must act as a unit...to be one together.
12/4/2007 9:13:26 PM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
markstar North Las Vegas, NV age: 44	Well put Bob. However when it comes to addiction, your powerless to stop it untill the addict is ready. Even if you put out over 100 percent.
12/4/2007 9:18:16 PM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
topazgirl57 Appleton, WI age: 50	Bob you are wise beyond your years. Thanks for sharing.
12/4/2007 10:29:29 PM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
storm57 Tulsa, OK age: 50	Please do not think I am judging, but everyone I know who wants to get a divorce talks about the fact that they are not happy. I think people should get happy and then look into possible solutions or divorce or whatever. The assumption that changing partners will make people happy destroys many marriages, along with the assumption that one's unhappiness is necessarily their partner's fault. I know of three couples right now that each have one partner in midlife crisis who says they're not happy. All are in the process of ruining their lives. None are in their right minds. I personally draw the line at wife beaters and abusers, but I think about 90% of marriages that split should have been worked out. Of course, my own wife deserted our marriage and found a special best friend/other man, so I could just be a bitter, hollow fool, incapable of running his own life well and so, giving his opinions and advice to others. Come to think of it, please do not read this message, it may be a waste of time! ....maybe I should have started out with that part...
12/4/2007 10:40:23 PM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
storm57 Tulsa, OK age: 50	Dammit, Bob, I love you man! Unfortunately, I'm hopelessly heterosexual and you probably are, too. But if we could somehow bottle that attitude and understanding, I would buy a case or two for my impending X-wife and then if we could re-locate her sanity, gently place homewrecker Jim in the path an oncoming freight train at the bottom of the ocean....yes...yes....it just might work....gotta go...lots to do..
12/5/2007 7:52:59 AM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
truenorthern Oakdale, LA age: 45	Okay people, i going to put little insight on things. Yes i been married for 20 years, we been together since 86. Welived together untill 88, now my brother lived down the road from us and my mother was here visting. I went to walart with them and didn't say nothing. When i got back you know what my live sad to me. That i should've asked before i went. I thought this was a free country? Okay we got married and at the time i didn't have a phone or a vehicle. When my son was born in 89, i still didn't have a phone or vehicle. He says we didn't need a phone and we couldn't afford a vehiclee, but he found a way to make extra money on the side. What if my son got sick? And his paychecks, no money came my way, just what i needed he bought.Well, things got bad And yes it is mental abuse! I don't know if this is the right forum to be on. And am not looking for a shoulder to cry on ! I left hubby when my son was 7 years old and stayed gone for a week because i thought my son needed a dad and to i didn't know how the wrld will be like without him. I wanted a parttime job and coudn't have ne cause he thought that parttime job would take me away for not being here when my son got off the school bus.As the years went bye i heard nothing but mind games and things. My son was 15 before he could spend the night with a school buddy. When my son was 4 or 5 we was going to church and when it was over with he{hubby} stood on the other side of the wall to watch me I waved at a little old elderly good bye and got in car and he drilled me. Finally he said if he caught me cheating, he would kill me and in front of my son! Well, things went on, i went to 2 different places and i wrote him a note and said i would be back at 3 n the afternoon. But he caught me on the outside and says tha i am going too much and don't do it again! In 06 i had to ask hubby to go somewhere and he finally said yes, but hesays don't make this a habit. We had chance to go to the shelter and do counseling but he didn't want to go as he says god is our couseler! In06 iwrote things down for him to change on his part, it worked for awhile, then the old stuff came back. )so i finaly I got a job, and do you know how i got a job, him! The not to recent thing i heard from his lips, is this:I was going somewhere he said; before you go. if you don't ome back tell me that you love me! He knows i don't love him!Now if anybody wants to step in my 20 year wold, go right ahead, I will giv you a chance to live it.
12/7/2007 7:56:38 AM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
truenorthern Oakdale, LA age: 45	{edtied; Dec.7,2007 at 10:10Aa.M.}
12/8/2007 3:32:18 PM	How many times do you tell your spouse that your not happy here?
kathy1737 Budd Lake, NJ age: 39	For three years I told my hubby that I was not happy. That we were growing in different directions, and we needed to finda common interest in order to keep the flame lit. It did not happen - we travelled (extensively), went to counseling (in which he dodged at a critical point), split up twice,delayed signing the divorce papers for a third round... And in each case, we could not find that common interest....it was a 18-yr marriage. He wanted one set of goals and I wanted another set of goals...neither one of them intersected each other. We split amicably - decided that we would prefer NOT to try any longer to salvage the relationship and to remain friends - rather than have an additional long-drawn out process and end-up resenting each other. The key - is to really define why you are not happy. People change, their priorities change - so you must be willing to work the changes together...if not, then it is time to set each other free. Good Luck! It's tough [Edited 12/8/2007 3:43:10 PM]

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